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post #46 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:05 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I wouldn't worry about that, it sounded like you both enjoyed it.

It could be as simple as his being a player. He could also be emotionally damaged by his previous relationship and got frightened off by getting too close.

It could also be that he enjoyed being with you, that there was no *plan* to have sex, it was something both of you desired and enjoyed. Afterwards though when he was thinking more clearly he may have realized that you were not compatible in the long term.

A woman I dated long ago was like that. We got along very well, had great sex, and enjoyed each other's company. We just were not compatible long term. She broke up with me - but I completely understood that it was for the best for both of us.




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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
The part I was more worried about was that at there was something wrong with me / being with me wasn't as nice as his imagination said it would be and it's knocked my confidence a bit!


If he's a player or scared of being hurt, I guess that's easier for me to live with because it doesn't feel quite as personal. Like I don't want to feel like the girl who was only worth sex once and you need a better one for a relationship.


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post #47 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Yeah, I think that's it. I felt strong attraction and emotional connection.

We had a talk and I said to him I was fine with having sex early as it's a good gauge of chemistry and it felt right, if you enjoy it and the time together you do it again and then see what progresses. We agreed on the basics beforehand so he could have been more honest but maybe his brain wasn't doing the thinking.

He seemed practically frothing at the mouth, so maybe it was the sex motivating him to spend time with me.

I had sex with my husband in the hallway of hotel on the day we met. We ended up married.

I usually wait until I feel trust / comfortable / connection and sometimes that's longer, sometimes shorter. I do feel like I am in two minds on this sex issue. I don't want to have to "motivate" a man to spend time and get to know me by witholding sex like he is a child. I'd prefer a more mature/ emotionally worthy man who didn't make that necessary in the first place but like you all said maybe this is not the real world.

I am 1000% sure if I hadn't had sex with him that night we'd be having a 5th date, but then maybe I am glad I didn't invest further in him.
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post #48 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
I wouldn't worry about that, it sounded like you both enjoyed it.

It could be as simple as his being a player. He could also be emotionally damaged by his previous relationship and got frightened off by getting too close.

It could also be that he enjoyed being with you, that there was no *plan* to have sex, it was something both of you desired and enjoyed. Afterwards though when he was thinking more clearly he may have realized that you were not compatible in the long term.

A woman I dated long ago was like that. We got along very well, had great sex, and enjoyed each other's company. We just were not compatible long term. She broke up with me - but I completely understood that it was for the best for both of us.
I'm certain he had a plan to have sex that night. He said he'd not been able to think of anything else the past few days. I do think his thinking was affected by the amount he wanted to have sex with me. I actually don't think I have ever seen a human being look or seem more excited to sleep with me. His eyes were like saucers on every date, he wanted to touch me at every opportunity, even my fingers. He took the wrong exit on the way to see me and had to detour 20 minutes because he'd said he was just so excited.

strange man, no question.

I came away from the date feeling he was way more into me than I was to him, but definitely feeling warmth and connection. the whole thing shocked me.

Maybe it was my caesarian scar or something like that!! or my morning no-makeup face. My son says this is the stuff of horror movies.
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post #49 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?
You said, "he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it"

Key word was STILL. He is hurting. He is out trying to find a way to not hurt. He found you.

Stay cordial. Tell him you had a great time. That you are there to talk to if he likes and you realize he isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe in time he will be. If you guys hit it off as well as you say (I think you can trust your gut), then he might be calling in a few days/weeks.

Life is good, then you die!
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post #50 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Sounds to me that once you had sex, his feelings for you became stronger and this scared him. He pulled away because he is afraid to be that close to a woman again. The more he cares about you, the more vulnerable he feels.

It sucks for both of you, but try not to personalize it. It's not your scars or your morning breath. There are a lot of people walking around with deep emotional wounds lurking below the surface. You may have found one. Don't let that get you down.
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post #51 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:36 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Why does a man behave like this?
He probably is only looking to sleep around with various women or he has recently become more serious with another lady that he is dating.
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post #52 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

No way to know for sure, but I think its very unlikely.

He may just have realized that he wasn't ready for anything permanent. Difficult to know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
snip

Maybe it was my caesarian scar or something like that!! or my morning no-makeup face. My son says this is the stuff of horror movies.
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post #53 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Nobody here knows this man's state of mind. Yes, he could be a player, a wounded man getting over a bad marriage. He could even just be someone who doesn't want a relationship and didn't know it until this one was hatching.

I would not say he was using you for sex. I think you enjoyed yourself so that's not really fair.

Your intent was to not have sex unless the potential for a relationship was there. And it was.

He deciding to not pursue things is no reflection on you, your desirability, nada.

Chalk it up to dating in 2017.
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post #54 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:49 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
I'm certain he had a plan to have sex that night. He said he'd not been able to think of anything else the past few days. I do think his thinking was affected by the amount he wanted to have sex with me. I actually don't think I have ever seen a human being look or seem more excited to sleep with me. His eyes were like saucers on every date, he wanted to touch me at every opportunity, even my fingers. He took the wrong exit on the way to see me and had to detour 20 minutes because he'd said he was just so excited.

strange man, no question.

I came away from the date feeling he was way more into me than I was to him, but definitely feeling warmth and connection. the whole thing shocked me.

Maybe it was my caesarian scar or something like that!! or my morning no-makeup face. My son says this is the stuff of horror movies.
It's good to see you are starting to see some humour in this situation.I think this goes back to the old adage that women see sex more emotionally than men.You placed a lot more significance on it than he did.
One thing has struck me though.You had sex nine times in less than twelve hours.Somehow I don't think his sex life has been as rationed as you were led to believe.
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post #55 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:51 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Sophie,

Sorry this happened to you, but the guy is a used car salesman and a liar, guys like that like to play the victim to get sympathy from women they are trying to bed.

They make up stories about how they suffered in previous relationships to establish a common bond with their prey and make an effort to appear like the perfect man. This also gives them an out when they dump you as it wasn't his fault he gets to blame it on prior relationships.

He can't even admit to the horrible thing he did to you.

Guys like this are basically con men, the con standing for confidence, hes a smaller version of Bernard Madoff.

Do the world a favor track him down and castrate him.

Tamat

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post #56 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:18 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Outline dating is really skeptical. You'll run into lots of players. I think you let the relationship get physical and progress way too fast. If you decide to continue outline dating, slow things way down even if things seem to be going real good. The players will get bored and move on, leaving you those who are legitimately interested in you.


Great advice, OP, especially if you're looking for a committed relationship.
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post #57 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:27 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

What other people have said about this guy sounds plausible to me.

As a woman, regarding sex, if I were dating again, I would want to have sex with the guy I am progressively spending more time with sooner rather than later.

I think too many women get hung up on the thought that men can only use women for sex. When there are a whole lot of things they can use a woman for.

With the guy who did not like giving oral sex, I am convinced that he was looking for a beard. Outside of the bedroom, every body thought he was such a great catch.

Even with my husband, he was avoiding sex with me at one point. I think he was trying to decide between me and his so called friend. Had he dumped me, he could have at least "well, at least I wasn't using you for sex." Even though he was using me, taking up my time and so on for some other reason.
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post #58 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

You've all made me feel better Less rejected / defective.

I am still not clear in my head on the best time to have sex with someone new or how to weed out or guess someone is going to do this to me again. Maybe I need to have a think and work out what that stage is!

It's not that I want a relationship with every man, just the potential. If I like him enough to want to have sex, then it means there's potential for me. I understand men have a different view

I am quite soft / impulsive / gullible which doesn't help.
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post #59 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:58 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I recommend waiting until you're in a loving, committed relationship, if that's what you want. This gives you time to decide if he is someone you want a relationship with and like JB said, it weeds out the guys just patiently waiting for hookup.

Have you tried meetup groups based on activities you enjoy, instead of dating sites?
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post #60 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:04 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Some men become players because they are emotionally shallow, selfish and manipulative a-holes. They care only about their own gratification.

Then there are men who started out as good decent guys who really wanted long term relationships. They played the field for a while, found women they wanted to settle down with, and got married. But for many of them marriage did not work out and they ended up getting left by their wives or getting cheated on. Sometimes when this happens it can turn an otherwise good man into a flake. He is injured and broken, but the drive for sex and emotional connection is still there, so he satisfies that by going out and snagging women. But once he snags one, the fear sets in and he sees a replay of his broken marriage happening all over again...so he bails.

I'm thinking this is what happened with OP's boyfriend. The heat was too much and he wasn't ready emotionally to commit to her. And once he couldn't, he probably felt ashamed and unworthy, much like he did when his marriage foundered. It's a vicious cycle.

Some guys are born players, and some become players by emotional necessity.
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