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post #61 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:05 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I wouldn't worry about how sex affects the situation. It's about whom you are having sex with. It's possible his guy was talking to multiple people and maybe felt guilty or just didn't know how to handle the situation. I have to imagine that, if it were just about the sex, he'd keep you stringing along. Especially after all night and morning sex...

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post #62 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:09 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
You've all made me feel better Less rejected / defective.

I am still not clear in my head on the best time to have sex with someone new or how to weed out or guess someone is going to do this to me again. Maybe I need to have a think and work out what that stage is!

It's not that I want a relationship with every man, just the potential. If I like him enough to want to have sex, then it means there's potential for me. I understand men have a different view

I am quite soft / impulsive / gullible which doesn't help.
Have sex when YOU want to have sex.
Don't have sex because you think he wants it.
Don't have sex because you are worried that he might not call you again if you don't.

Have sex when YOU want it. That way if things don't work out, you won't feel used. He might though!!!

Life is good, then you die!
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post #63 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I don't think I could decide I wanted a committed relationship with someone before I'd had sex. It's a huggge part of it for me. I don't want mediocre or lacklustre sex for the rest of my life.

As for the other stuff, I'd love to meet men in other ways but admittedly it's hard. I own and run a company in the fashion industry and all the men I meet are gay. I am a single Mother and between those two things I don't really have time to devote to extra curricular activities. I can carve out space in my life for a relationship, if I meet the right guy, but to be honest most days I am racing around trying to get everything done.

I do miss having someone, but to be completely honest, right now I'd settle for someone I liked for a casual relationship where we had one date and week and great sex and anything too much about the long term future is a bit much for me unless I knew someone VERY well. Sorry if that sound really cold, but when you have an ASD child, a company and lost a husband so young it's difficult to feel like you'd change your life around for just anybody.

I miss sex, affection, adult company over a glass of wine and a move and someone to take with me on business trips and all that. Like Elizabeth Bennett said "“I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony". That's how I feel
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post #64 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:15 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I don't think I could decide I wanted a committed relationship with someone before I'd had sex. It's a huggge part of it for me. I don't want mediocre or lacklustre sex for the rest of my life.

As for the other stuff, I'd love to meet men in other ways but admittedly it's hard. I own and run a company in the fashion industry and all the men I meet are gay. I am a single Mother and between those two things I don't really have time to devote to extra curricular activities. I can carve out space in my life for a relationship, if I meet the right guy, but to be honest most days I am racing around trying to get everything done.

I do miss having someone, but to be completely honest, right now I'd settle for someone I liked for a casual relationship where we had one date and week and great sex and anything too much about the long term future is a bit much for me unless I knew someone VERY well. Sorry if that sound really cold, but when you have an ASD child, a company and lost a husband so young it's difficult to feel like you'd change your life around for just anybody.

I miss sex, affection, adult company over a glass of wine and a move and someone to take with me on business trips and all that. Like Elizabeth Bennett said "“I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony". That's how I feel
You are preaching to the single parent choir. I look at it like this, I'll have sex with someone whom I think there is potential for a relationship. That usually knocks out the first and probably the second date. I think you managed your situation well, and sometimes you end up with a dud. Do not beat yourself up about this.
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post #65 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I don't think I could decide I wanted a committed relationship with someone before I'd had sex. It's a huggge part of it for me. I don't want mediocre or lacklustre sex for the rest of my life.

In that case, I'd give it at least 60 days. By that point, you'll know if it is headed that way or not, and you can go from there.

As for the other stuff, I'd love to meet men in other ways but admittedly it's hard. I own and run a company in the fashion industry and all the men I meet are gay. I am a single Mother and between those two things I don't really have time to devote to extra curricular activities. I can carve out space in my life for a relationship, if I meet the right guy, but to be honest most days I am racing around trying to get everything done.

What if you use the time you'd devote to a relationship and devote it to meeting someone instead? We have friends in SF who use dating sites as pay-for-dinner-hookups who set up different dates 5-6 nights a week. These guys are single professionals who have no qualms dropping $$$ on a nice dinner in exchange for sex. To them, that's what these dating sites are primarily for. This is fine if you're cool with that, but I personally wouldn't be. These guys have no intention of settling down unless they find the unicorn, and she likely isn't giving it up within a week or 2, knowing that he could be on to the next by Tuesday.

I do miss having someone, but to be completely honest, right now I'd settle for someone I liked for a casual relationship where we had one date and week and great sex and anything too much about the long term future is a bit much for me unless I knew someone VERY well. Sorry if that sound really cold, but when you have an ASD child, a company and lost a husband so young it's difficult to feel like you'd change your life around for just anybody.

I don't think it sounds cold, but I do think that if that's what you're going to settle for, that's what you're going to get. Why not take it slow for a few months, date different guys, and wait to have sex with the one you can see headed for a LTR?

I miss sex, affection, adult company over a glass of wine and a move and someone to take with me on business trips and all that. Like Elizabeth Bennett said "“I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony". That's how I feel

Sure, but that's what dating is all about. You meet different people and decide if there's one you'd want around long-term. The issue is that sex for many women can complicate things, as you're seeing with this guy. You had sex and now you're wondering why he's no longer around. Why not weed out the players and wait to have sex with a guy you really want around long-term?
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post #66 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:33 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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That's also a possibility.

Though do players care enough about what other people think of them to offer an apology as to why the relationship will go no further?
Yes, there are players who will give some sort of apology and sob story about why they cannot possibility continue a relationship after they have had sex.

While it could be true that this guy is too damaged and just freaked out after such an intimate date, it's more likely that he's just a player. Any woman who has dated much runs into these sorts of players. Once the get sex, they are gone. Their entire goal is the chase and sex - one time sex.

I agree with the 3 months rule because 99% of players will not wait that long.
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post #67 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:38 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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maybe hes still married!
Yea, like my ex, the doctor, when he was out dating during our marriage. I know that he was not telling some of the women that he was married with a child. I found some letters that made this clear.
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post #68 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Yea, like my ex, the doctor, when he was out dating during our marriage. I know that he was not telling some of the women that he was married with a child. I found some letters that made this clear.
That's awful. I'm glad for you that you've moved on without him.

This makes another good case for waiting until you know someone better. I'd also caution the OP about being too obvious about your lack of time when meeting dates. I think women who don't expect much time and attention from a guy they're dating/sleeping with can also set themselves up for attracting men who are living a secret second life. I know an attractive, successful woman in her 30s who dated a guy long-distance for over a year before finding out that he was married with a new baby. She noticed a tan line on his ring finger while they were in bed. Living on opposite coasts and her busy career made it ideal for him.
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post #69 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Sure Jessica, it's good advice, but time wise I could probably carve out a night a week for a social activity and go a year without meeting anyone date-worthy. Men in my age bracket who I am attracted to are hard to come by, I am sure online dating is a full of jerks but it is also an efficient way to at least meet people when you're time-short.

All of that said, you're totally right and these guys have 5 - 6 nights a week home alone to spend trawling women and for people like me, a night away from my kid is a big deal. I try not to give my time away so easily because that's also valuable to me.

I really do miss sex so badly, and the affection side of things, but also don't enjoy having it with a guy that turns out to be a jerk, so I can't look back on this and feel positive.

Hopefully, anyway, the right guy will come along and I will get better at navigating all this.

With hindsight, I think if I'd made this guy wait for sex for there months he would have romanced me for three months and done the same thing. It was just how he was. Anyone who romances you for a month, has a wonderful night with great sex with you and runs was probably going to do it after two months or three months. I guess all that would have ended differently was that maybe I'd have avoided sex with him. He still would have wasted my precious time though!
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post #70 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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That sounds the most likely scenario so far. Thank you. It did feel, to be honest, like we started a relationship that night and for me that felt wonderful / exciting and for him obviously the opposite.

As someone said earlier, I guess if someone is a player and has great sex they want to at least keep having it until something new comes along.
I do think the sex was crazily good and from his response and the ability at age 41 to have in 9 times in 12 hours he obviously enjoyed it too - but in this case instead of wanting more after putting in all the ground work, he ran for the hills because it felt too much like a relationship.
If he is a player, that date not only led to great sex. It also led to a level of non-sexual intimacy that a player will seek to avoid. Players want sex, not non-sexual intimacy. So, he ended your ‘relationship’ because it had become intimate on a level that he does not want to engage in.

Plus, you might not be the only woman he is seeing and having great sex with.

I don’t think it does you a lot of good trying to guess why he did what he did. Accept his actions at face value. You gave him a lot during that date, not just sex, but a lot on non-sexual intimacy. You let him very close. And his reaction was to reject you. Just accept that at face value.

When I was younger, my friends and I dated a lot. I saw a lot of guys do this to my friends who let the relationship turn to sex quickly. It’s so common that we used to joke to not have sex with the guy because clearly sex makes men evaporate, disappear.

Accept his actions at face value. He does not want a relationship with you. He was wrong to let things get to the point they did and then split. Either way you know now that this is not a guy to have a relationship with.

Stop trying to second guess all this.

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post #71 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:51 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

My feeling is that dating should be fun and not goal oriented. Go out with people who's company you enjoy and not those that you don't

Do what you feel like when you feel like it. If you feel like sex at a particular time, then go for it. If not, don't. If you both enjoy the sex, then no one is being used.

You will eventually find someone where you both continue to enjoy your time together and things will naturally move towards a long term relationship.
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post #72 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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That's awful. I'm glad for you that you've moved on without him.

This makes another good case for waiting until you know someone better. I'd also caution the OP about being too obvious about your lack of time when meeting dates. I think women who don't expect much time and attention from a guy they're dating/sleeping with can also set themselves up for attracting men who are living a secret second life. I know an attractive, successful woman in her 30s who dated a guy long-distance for over a year before finding out that he was married with a new baby. She noticed a tan line on his ring finger while they were in bed. Living on opposite coasts and her busy career made it ideal for him.
I am also sorry Eligirl

When I very first started online dating I met a man who catfished me for several months. He came to me on the end of my grief over my husband's death and provided a comfort / emotional support and affection to me and I did notice he behaved strangely but he always had an explanation. After many months I found out he was:

a) married
b) had another woman he also lived with and she was pregnant
c) neither of these women knew about the other one
d) the name he gave me was not real and neither were any of the details of his life.

In ALL my time dating these past few years, this guy was 100% the one I was most emotionally close to, and the closest I came to being in love and he was lying to me the entire time about basically everything.

There is nothing so strange as the lengths people go to in order to fulfil their own selfish needs at the expense of others.
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post #73 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:54 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I don't think I could decide I wanted a committed relationship with someone before I'd had sex. It's a huggge part of it for me. I don't want mediocre or lacklustre sex for the rest of my life.

As for the other stuff, I'd love to meet men in other ways but admittedly it's hard. I own and run a company in the fashion industry and all the men I meet are gay. I am a single Mother and between those two things I don't really have time to devote to extra curricular activities. I can carve out space in my life for a relationship, if I meet the right guy, but to be honest most days I am racing around trying to get everything done.

I do miss having someone, but to be completely honest, right now I'd settle for someone I liked for a casual relationship where we had one date and week and great sex and anything too much about the long term future is a bit much for me unless I knew someone VERY well. Sorry if that sound really cold, but when you have an ASD child, a company and lost a husband so young it's difficult to feel like you'd change your life around for just anybody.

I miss sex, affection, adult company over a glass of wine and a move and someone to take with me on business trips and all that. Like Elizabeth Bennett said "“I am determined that nothing but the deepest love could ever induce me into matrimony". That's how I feel
Sounds like he missed out then and Bailed too quickly, you will find someone better to share your time with

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post #74 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Thanks William. Honestly, if I had the choice, I prefer to have sex early. I think it's more natural to just go with what feels right and because it's a HUGE part of the relationship I also want to establish that it works before I get to know someone. Unfortunately - you're right. Facts are you do need to weed out the wheat from the chaff a little and waiting a while before sex makes sense.

I can't say I want a relationship, I just want a relationship with the right guy. I want it all to feel right, to work for me and make my life better and be fun and exciting and it's not that easy to find. If men wanted to have sex but ALSO get to know you, that would be awesome, but I wonder if the online dating culture has made that impossible. Sometimes they are just so spoiled for choice they are looking for the next, best thing the entire time and they could meet the absolute perfect woman but don't take the time to get to know her.

I dislike playing games, and with-holding sex always felt like that to me. Maybe I need to change and wise-up
I don't think that waiting about 3 months to have sex is a game and it's not withholding sex. It's simply a woman protecting herself. We all should have boundaries. This is a healthy boundary.
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post #75 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:01 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Sure Jessica, it's good advice, but time wise I could probably carve out a night a week for a social activity and go a year without meeting anyone date-worthy. Men in my age bracket who I am attracted to are hard to come by, I am sure online dating is a full of jerks but it is also an efficient way to at least meet people when you're time-short.

If you pick the right co-ed group, I bet you'd meet someone sooner than a year. What about a fitness group? Do you like to run, or do crossfit? You could get the exercise AND meet guys at the same time. Are you looking for a guy in his 40s-50s? Are you in a populated area?

All of that said, you're totally right and these guys have 5 - 6 nights a week home alone to spend trawling women and for people like me, a night away from my kid is a big deal. I try not to give my time away so easily because that's also valuable to me.

I completely get this. Moms with kids are always on limited time, especially when you have a high-needs child.

I really do miss sex so badly, and the affection side of things, but also don't enjoy having it with a guy that turns out to be a jerk, so I can't look back on this and feel positive.

That's what I got from your first post. I'd feel the same way. I highly recommend a co-ed group of some kind. One thing that you may not have thought of- even the women you meet can be helpful in finding a quality guy. Women love setting single women up, and may know of a divorced guy in the age-range you're looking for. And the friend rec would be a good screen for you.

Hopefully, anyway, the right guy will come along and I will get better at navigating all this.

I'm sure it's a learning process. It was for me as a single woman with no kids in my 20s! I can only imagine now years later while trying to balance family. But it happens all the time- people find love again. As much as you want companionship, so do men who unexpectedly find themselves single again later in life.

With hindsight, I think if I'd made this guy wait for sex for there months he would have romanced me for three months and done the same thing. It was just how he was. Anyone who romances you for a month, has a wonderful night with great sex with you and runs was probably going to do it after two months or three months. I guess all that would have ended differently was that maybe I'd have avoided sex with him. He still would have wasted my precious time though!

I think EleGirl's point that this guy wasn't looking for an intimate relationship is probably more spot on than you think. Another month or two would have likely demanded more emotional intimacy than he was able to give you. And this is why I think it is very important to date more than one guy until you find someone you can see being long-term- it keeps the wasted time at a minimum because you haven't devoted all your time to one guy.
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