Can men tell me what happened here? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

User Tag List

 358Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #76 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:04 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,986
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
Making a man wait 3 months doesn't put you in the marriage box, it puts you in the gate keeper / game player box. That's why good men dropped like flies.
I find the 3 date rule ridiculous. On one had some of the guys here say that if they don't get sex by the 3rd date they dump her. And on the other hand they want a woman women a low number of sexual partners.

I thought that sex was suppose to be something special. Having sex with every guy who a woman as 3 dates with would up a woman's number of sex partners quite a bit.

After 3 dates, a woman does not know a guy well enough to share things like her bank balance. But you expect her to have sex with you, the most intimate thing a person can do?

EleGirl is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #77 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,021
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I maybe the contrarian here, but it wouldn't be the first time. OP, the sex you had was consensual. You were not used, you wanted it just as much as he did. So the first thing you need to do is get over "feeling violated". As others have said, this may just be a case of this guy getting in to deep too soon and it spooked him out. I know as a guy I have been there before. Rather than feel like a victim, why not try to learn from the experience and think about what lesson you can take from it. Maybe, just maybe, you jumped in too hard and too fast yourself. Hence your disappointment that the relationship fell apart after 4 dates? So, you might hold back emotionally the next time before diving in head first? Maybe you just needed laid yourself, and now you are feeling the guilt that many women are conditioned to feel (such as by those women on TAM who scold you for not waiting 90 days and giving it away too early). I don't know it is for you to decide. For you to figure it out. You can either play the victim and look for sympathy or you can accept what happened and learn from it. Given that you seem to be in control of your life in other ways. I am betting you will end up fine. Don't succumb to the "**** shaming" other women like to visit upon their sisters. Sex is a gift from God, enjoy it when you can and don't feel guilty about it.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #78 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:07 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
I am also sorry Eligirl

When I very first started online dating I met a man who catfished me for several months. He came to me on the end of my grief over my husband's death and provided a comfort / emotional support and affection to me and I did notice he behaved strangely but he always had an explanation. After many months I found out he was:

a) married
b) had another woman he also lived with and she was pregnant
c) neither of these women knew about the other one
d) the name he gave me was not real and neither were any of the details of his life.

In ALL my time dating these past few years, this guy was 100% the one I was most emotionally close to, and the closest I came to being in love and he was lying to me the entire time about basically everything.

There is nothing so strange as the lengths people go to in order to fulfil their own selfish needs at the expense of others.
Did you meet with him in person? To me, this is where high expectations and strong personal boundaries come in. This guy was a predator. I bet he knew you were short on time and distracted with the demands of raising a child with ASD and a full-time career. He knew you had no one screening him.

It's certainly not your fault, nor is it your fault this guy ran off quickly after sex. I do want to give you the perspective that you need protections in place, which is why group settings and other women to help screen on your behalf, or at least check out the guy first before you get involved, can be so helpful.
Jessica38 is offline  
 
post #79 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

All true Jessica.

I think in my mid thirties I am probably looking for a guy in his early 40s who already has kids (I don't want more). I don't think I'd date a guy in his 50s because I act a lot younger than I am most of the time. I am looking for that elusive, 40 year old, solvent, mentally stable, non-emotionally-broken dude. It's like the unicorn Like you say..I am sure love will find me.

I am actually even not adverse to a hookup to be honest, but just in the basis that it's agreed, rather than I feel hoodwinked.

If it makes sense, remember that scene in Pretty Woman where she gets all dressed up for the races and Stucky tries to pay her for sex? Ha, it's kind of like that. Casual sex I can live with - but it really angered me that someone got it from me on the pretences of something else. I'd like it to be my decision, not to feel manipulated and foolish.

Yeah, dating when I was younger was easier, but I think that back then I just spent more time with men and had more single friends. I met met through friends or at work and it was just nicer. the only time men ever tried to get me into bed was in a bar, not over dinner, so times have changed now. Also...sorry to say...a lot of men in the dating pool at this age are definitely a little damaged. There's not quite so much innocence on either side.
Sophie55 is offline  
post #80 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:19 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 62
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
I



I met a man through online dating ... this was a great match.
...

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well.... We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well ... We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully
...



The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place ... we had a really great evening.



We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed



....
he doesn't want to see me again.
....



I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill




So basically, you had a series of dates, you invited him to your house, you had consensual sex with him repeatedly, he stayed the night and left in the morning.

You feel violated!?!?
You are veering dangerously into "if I regret it the next day it was rape" victimhood attention-seeking nonsense thinking.

You were horny. You were attracted to him (good looking, high status as a doctor) and you invited him into your home for the express purposes of having sex with him.

Unless you got yourself drunk you were consenting to everything.

It doesn't sound like you had made explicit your requirements around the relationship before you banged him. You didn't have any future dates planned, you didn't have any verbal agreements on exclusivity or explicit expectations of future behaviors discussed.

It sounds like you had some hopes in your head that you didn't actually discuss with him before you had sex. Which means you valued the certainty of getting laid, over the risk of having some discussion about relationship and future first, and him turning you down and you not getting to have sex with him.


So you had some fun dates with an attractive high status guy that ended in good sex, exactly as you wanted. I don't think you should be complaining too much. Next time maybe decide in your head what you really want before you have sex.

A specific tactical move for you next time would be to first have solid plans for something the following weekend (tickets to summer festival, theater etc.) when you invite the guy over for sex.

So you then get to sleep with the guy with the explicit knowledge that you're both expecting to hang out together again for another future date.
MartinBeck is offline  
post #81 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:20 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
Did you meet with him in person? To me, this is where high expectations and strong personal boundaries come in. This guy was a predator. I bet he knew you were short on time and distracted with the demands of raising a child with ASD and a full-time career. He knew you had no one screening him.

It's certainly not your fault, nor is it your fault this guy ran off quickly after sex. I do want to give you the perspective that you need protections in place, which is why group settings and other women to help screen on your behalf, or at least check out the guy first before you get involved, can be so helpful.
Oh yes, we met in person. He knew I was grieving and probably saw that vulnerability that made me a target. He was so clever about it, even making up stories of his own recent tragic losses to make me feel close to him. I only found out by accident when he sent me a text message which was a screenshot of our conversation (like, here's what you said earlier) and I noticed he had me in his phone as "Sophie <insert his name>" as if he was reminding himself of the name he used on me. I then got suspicious and called his office and was told no one by that name ever worked there. I then traced his phone number and email using Spokeo and found a few pictures of his dogs on an image site but with a different name. I then googled that name and found the "real" him, complete with wife! He literally made up an entire life and fake identity complete with linkedin, facebook, everything. The lengths he went to were really shocking!

So I am careful now. but obviously even that doesn't help.

Last summer I dated a guy for 3 months and it was all going well. He invited me on vacation with him and I couldn't go due to childcare and he took someone else! The whole dating thing is CRAZY. People seem so nice, but there's so many genuinely terrible people out there.

I have met some nice ones too though, and made friends along the way.

One thing I find about the ones who are nice /serious is that they always want to meet my friends and go to family events with me. the ones who are going to cheat /act badly are always trying to avoid that.
Sophie55 is offline  
post #82 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:26 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MartinBeck View Post
So basically, you had a series of dates, you invited him to your house, you had consensual sex with him repeatedly, he stayed the night and left in the morning.

You feel violated!?!?
You are veering dangerously into "if I regret it the next day it was rape" victimhood attention-seeking nonsense thinking.

You were horny. You were attracted to him (good looking, high status as a doctor) and you invited him into your home for the express purposes of having sex with him.

Unless you got yourself drunk you were consenting to everything.

It doesn't sound like you had made explicit your requirements around the relationship before you banged him. You didn't have any future dates planned, you didn't have any verbal agreements on exclusivity or explicit expectations of future behaviors discussed.

It sounds like you had some hopes in your head that you didn't actually discuss with him before you had sex. Which means you valued the certainty of getting laid, over the risk of having some discussion about relationship and future first, and him turning you down and you not getting to have sex with him.


So you had some fun dates with an attractive high status guy that ended in good sex, exactly as you wanted. I don't think you should be complaining too much. Next time maybe decide in your head what you really want before you have sex.

A specific tactical move for you next time would be to first have solid plans for something the following weekend (tickets to summer festival, theater etc.) when you invite the guy over for sex.

So you then get to sleep with the guy with the explicit knowledge that you're both expecting to hang out together again for another future date.

Mmm...not sure I agree with you there.

If you went to buy a car tomorrow and they took you on a test drive and it was all amazing with leather seats and you bought the car only to find when it arrived it had a different engine and holes in the seats, you might have bought the car but you did so under the impression you were getting one thing and you got another.

If I had known his mindset, I wouldn't have had sex with him, and while I leave room for people to change their mind or get scared, I do also think responsible adults have an obligation to be transparent with people they have sex with to enable them to make healthy emotional choices for themselves.

Speaking plainly, he's a doctor, he's handsome, he's tall, he's rich - if he wants casual sex go to a bar and find someone else who wants the same. I was expressly clear with this guy I didn't want casual sex, so if he didn't want a to pursue the possibility of dating and relationships he (a) should get off the dating site and (b) shouldn't date and (c) shouldn't have sex with people like me who are genuinely looking.

I accept some responsibility for trusting in someone I barely knew, but at the end of the day if I had known the truth I wouldn't have done it and from a moral perspective I am dubious about the practice of misleading others in order to get anything, much less something as intimate as sex. So yes, that was a violation for me.

you can't just go around saying and doing whatever, sleeping with nice women and running and then saying she got what she deserved. good people are mean to be better than that!
Sophie55 is offline  
post #83 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:27 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Oh yes, we met in person. He knew I was grieving and probably saw that vulnerability that made me a target. He was so clever about it, even making up stories of his own recent tragic losses to make me feel close to him. I only found out by accident when he sent me a text message which was a screenshot of our conversation (like, here's what you said earlier) and I noticed he had me in his phone as "Sophie <insert his name>" as if he was reminding himself of the name he used on me. I then got suspicious and called his office and was told no one by that name ever worked there. I then traced his phone number and email using Spokeo and found a few pictures of his dogs on an image site but with a different name. I then googled that name and found the "real" him, complete with wife! He literally made up an entire life and fake identity complete with linkedin, facebook, everything. The lengths he went to were really shocking!

So I am careful now. but obviously even that doesn't help.

Last summer I dated a guy for 3 months and it was all going well. He invited me on vacation with him and I couldn't go due to childcare and he took someone else! The whole dating thing is CRAZY. People seem so nice, but there's so many genuinely terrible people out there.

I have met some nice ones too though, and made friends along the way.

One thing I find about the ones who are nice /serious is that they always want to meet my friends and go to family events with me. the ones who are going to cheat /act badly are always trying to avoid that.
WOW- unbelievable.

Sounds like you're on the right track with noticing that nice guys are interested in joining you for events with friends. I'm sure you will meet the right person, it just takes time. Good for you for investigating that jerk when your gut told you something was off.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #84 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:31 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 913
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Sophie,

Given the large number of women this guy has done this to please get tested for STDs.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
post #85 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:32 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MartinBeck View Post
So basically, you had a series of dates, you invited him to your house, you had consensual sex with him repeatedly, he stayed the night and left in the morning.

You feel violated!?!?
You are veering dangerously into "if I regret it the next day it was rape" victimhood attention-seeking nonsense thinking.

A specific tactical move for you next time would be to first have solid plans for something the following weekend (tickets to summer festival, theater etc.) when you invite the guy over for sex.

So you then get to sleep with the guy with the explicit knowledge that you're both expecting to hang out together again for another future date.
Her post didn't read this way to me at all. Many women would feel used if a guy who was showing interest in them for a month stopped right after having sex. In no way does she have to pretend to be cool with this- (most but not all) women would not be.

Most-but-not-all women do not have sex to relieve an urge. We feel desire for a man who we feel an emotional connection with, despite what online porn stars have led many men to believe. The horny woman who wants nothing more than to get laid is not reality, even though many of us LOVE having fun with men we are emotionally connected to.

Jessica38 is offline  
post #86 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:38 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 6,042
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I find the 3 date rule ridiculous. On one had some of the guys here say that if they don't get sex by the 3rd date they dump her. And on the other hand they want a woman women a low number of sexual partners.

I thought that sex was suppose to be something special. Having sex with every guy who a woman as 3 dates with would up a woman's number of sex partners quite a bit.

After 3 dates, a woman does not know a guy well enough to share things like her bank balance. But you expect her to have sex with you, the most intimate thing a person can do?
I think the vast majority of people know if they want to sleep with someone after the first or second date. If it hasn't happened by the 3rd or 4th date then the list of possible reasons is pretty short and mostly bad, so I figure you're mostly wasting time with anything beyond that.
WorkingOnMe is offline  
post #87 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:42 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 611
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I think all we have to do is read the OP's first post to see why many women would choose to hold out longer than 3-4 dates, even if she did feel enough of an attraction to want to.

And to me, any guy who is willing to drop a quality woman because she won't have sex with him by the 3rd date is not a keeper.

Most women look for quality in a partner, and that is often demonstrated by how much care and interest he shows her. I can list quite a few gorgeous women who married not-as-physically-attractive men because they met her needs for intimate conversation, affection, and companionship. Sex is often NOT a top need for most women the way it is for a lot of men.

Men and women are different.
Jessica38 is offline  
post #88 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 839
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I don't think that waiting about 3 months to have sex is a game and it's not withholding sex. It's simply a woman protecting herself. We all should have boundaries. This is a healthy boundary.
While I agree with you in theory this probably won't work in the OP's favor. The really great guys have lots of other opportunities to pick from and won't wait around for her. It's a simple supply/demand curve. Instead she should just make sure that she doesn't do things that she might regret.

I'm in the "great guy" category and I can vouch for there being lots of choices. It's a total flip from being in your 20's when the women have the upper hand.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #89 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:49 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 46
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Is it this...???

FOR MOST WOMEN

I like his personality + I find him physically attractive = I want to sleep with him, spend time with him and get to know him with the potential of a relationship growing.

FOR MOST MEN

I find her physically attractive = I want to sleep with her

If it's that, then I think I am getting it wrong because I am assuming that because a man REALLY wants to sleep with me /talk to me / spend time with me that it means he is seeing the same potential for a relationship as me, when he might have already clawed me out as fling material!
Sophie55 is offline  
post #90 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:49 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 839
Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessica38 View Post
I think all we have to do is read the OP's first post to see why many women would choose to hold out longer than 4 dates.

And to me, any guy who is willing to drop a quality woman because she won't have sex with him by the 3rd date is not a keeper.
The guy won't know if the woman is a keeper that early in the relationship so he's not risking anything. He'll just know whether he enjoys spending time with her, whether they have chemistry, and whether he is/isn't getting laid. Plus, the really great guys don't think that the boundaries apply to them (because they are used to women being so into them that they don't actually enforce those boundaries). Just sayin'....
Bananapeel is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ladies, would you be ok with being the primary breadwinner in your marriage? EleGirl The Ladies' Lounge 112 05-26-2017 11:30 AM
Ladies, how do you view men in the past? Kalpnisis The Ladies' Lounge 17 02-05-2017 03:01 PM
What Men Think About Sex Versus Reality Buddy400 Sex in Marriage 124 01-20-2017 02:37 PM
Can anybody find me somebody to love? misslonelyheart General Relationship Discussion 300 04-12-2016 08:17 AM
Reality check. The truth and thoughts of men. lifeiscrazy General Relationship Discussion 57 01-25-2016 09:49 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome