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post #91 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:50 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
While I agree with you in theory this probably won't work in the OP's favor. The really great guys have lots of other opportunities to pick from and won't wait around for her. It's a simple supply/demand curve. Instead she should just make sure that she doesn't do things that she might regret.

I'm in the "great guy" category and I can vouch for there being lots of choices. It's a total flip from being in your 20's when the women have the upper hand.
All the more reason to wait, IMO. Who wants to be 1 of several a guy is banging in a week?

I'd much rather wait for a guy to show me he wants to date exclusively, which is likely NOT going to happen after 3 dates if he's in such high demand.

Let the other women relieve his urge.

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post #92 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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While I agree with you in theory this probably won't work in the OP's favor. The really great guys have lots of other opportunities to pick from and won't wait around for her. It's a simple supply/demand curve. Instead she should just make sure that she doesn't do things that she might regret.

I'm in the "great guy" category and I can vouch for there being lots of choices. It's a total flip from being in your 20's when the women have the upper hand.
That's how I think it is too.

Do you find because there is so much choice you feel less inclined to invest in one woman?

And when you do choose to actually pursue a relationship with one woman when there's so much choice, what is it that makes that choice for you?
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post #93 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Is it this...???

FOR MOST WOMEN

I like his personality + I find him physically attractive = I want to sleep with him, spend time with him and get to know him with the potential of a relationship growing.

FOR MOST MEN

I find her physically attractive = I want to sleep with her

If it's that, then I think I am getting it wrong because I am assuming that because a man REALLY wants to sleep with me /talk to me / spend time with me that it means he is seeing the same potential for a relationship as me, when he might have already clawed me out as fling material!
I wouldn't generalize. There's no hard and fast rule. I know guys that jump head first into relationships, others that avoid them, and everything in between. All that it means is that you and the Dr. were not on the same page with your relationship goals.
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post #94 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I wouldn't generalize. There's no hard and fast rule. I know guys that jump head first into relationships, others that avoid them, and everything in between. All that it means is that you and the Dr. were not on the same page with your relationship goals.

Yah, I get that. My goal was to find someone regular, to get off online dating and have someone to spend Saturday night with. He wasn't actually looking for that so it diminished my chances from the get-go
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post #95 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I used to argue the three date rule or on to the next if no action.

as a more mature man I feel different.I mean I wouldn't refuse a woman that wants to get busy but I wouldn't push it either. I don't think I would have a time frame for it when it happens it happens. obviously there a limit I ain't going to wait a year.
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post #96 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I don't think that waiting about 3 months to have sex is a game and it's not withholding sex. It's simply a woman protecting herself. We all should have boundaries. This is a healthy boundary.
To Sophie55

When I started dating Mary she had waited 11 months while I had another girlfriend. So we knew each other almost a year.

However, even with that had she felt the need to wait in order to be sure I wasn't trying to just use her I am sure I would not have considered it a game. Just be open about why you are doing it, and I would hope, expect, any reasonable guy would be fine with the decision. He definitely should not think you are playing a game. I just can't see a problem as long as he knows the reason you want to wait is to protect yourself and not because you are some dried up prune who just doesn't want to do it.

Hey, remember that edging thread? He could imagine you getting hotter and hotter, wetter and wetter, so randy for him, but waiting so you can be sure he isn't some flake.

I just think that's a pretty cool image. Not a game. Fun. Well, it should be considered fun. I would consider it fun.

Edit: I have always enjoyed challenges though. Being tested is fun. If she had said she was horny for me, but wanted to test me to be sure I was Mr. Right, wow would I have been up for that. I guess some people think I am a bit crazy in how much fun I think being tested is.

Last edited by WilliamM; 05-19-2017 at 02:12 PM.
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post #97 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:10 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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All the more reason to wait, IMO. Who wants to be 1 of several a guy is banging in a week?

I'd much rather wait for a guy to show me he wants to date exclusively, which is likely NOT going to happen after 3 dates if he's in such high demand.

Let the other women relieve his urge.
Not necessarily true that he's dating multiples in a week just because he has the opportunity. I know it's hard for me to agree to exclusivity with a woman early in a relationship, but I only date one at a time regardless of whether we are "exclusive" or not. But, if we aren't having hot sex pretty quickly then I just figure we lack chemistry and I lose interest.

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
That's how I think it is too.

Do you find because there is so much choice you feel less inclined to invest in one woman?

And when you do choose to actually pursue a relationship with one woman when there's so much choice, what is it that makes that choice for you?
I'm not less inclined to invest in a woman. It just means I move slowly and take my time deciding whether I want a relationship with them. It also means that I'm not afraid to end a relationship if I don't think I'll be satisfied with it.

I look for a woman that I can have fun and be myself with, and one that is willing to let the relationship unfold at its natural speed. I don't worry about the sex aspect because it's always plentiful and good since I don't date people that I don't have a lot of chemistry with.

EDIT: I should have mentioned that for a guy to commit you have to be the right woman at the right time. The right woman at the wrong time or the wrong woman at the right time makes it unlikely that he'll want a relationship with you. So don't fault yourself because you can't control those things in him.

Last edited by Bananapeel; 05-19-2017 at 02:23 PM.
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post #98 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:11 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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You've all made me feel better Less rejected / defective.

I am still not clear in my head on the best time to have sex with someone new or how to weed out or guess someone is going to do this to me again. Maybe I need to have a think and work out what that stage is!

It's not that I want a relationship with every man, just the potential. If I like him enough to want to have sex, then it means there's potential for me. I understand men have a different view

I am quite soft / impulsive / gullible which doesn't help.
Don't overthink it.

You had sex with your husband in the hallway of a hotel the night you met. That worked out pretty well! You waited a month to have sex with this guy - it didn't work out. Goes to show there's no real formula for any of this.

Just have sex when you feel you want to have sex with someone, it's that simple. Sometimes it'll work out, sometimes it won't. Don't sweat it. Sex is obviously important to you, in terms of matching up with someone, so it's all part of the dating landscape.

At the end of the day, nobody escapes dating without being hurt. We've all been played by people (men and women alike), we've all been dumped or rejected, many have been cheated on, etc etc etc. You can't protect yourself from any of this, unfortunately. You can minimize the chances of it happening, to be sure, but that usually comes at a cost. In some cases, potentially losing out on 'good' matches.

When it comes to dating, there's no good, or right, way to do it. You like somebody, you go out with them. If you have fun, you do it again. If you want to progress to sex, progress to sex. If you don't, then don't.

I guess the only rule I can think of when it comes to dating is to not do anything if you feel pressure to do it, or if you think it's necessary, or "time". If it doesn't feel right, don't. If it does, then do it.

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post #99 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Wow, I want to emphasize that no one here is s--t - shaming the OP!

We are sharing reasons why we believe she may be hurting. IME most of my women friends who have had similar experiences moved rather fast. The power of observation tells me that once they slowed down, they were finding more compatible men and were happier.

She has her own set of boundaries, no one is jamming them down her throat, but offering opinions. She's free to ignore or take them on board.

If she chooses to have sex in 2 dates, 4, 10, or 50, it's her choice. I think that earlier @MJJEAN made an interesting point about sex being important to her for vetting a date (hope I got that right). I never thought of vetting in that way but it makes sense as it's a priority for her. It sounds like it's important to @Sophie55 as well. If you care about sex then you want a good sexual partner. For me, the strong emotional connection and trust over time makes for better sex than without such a connection. Difference of opinion based on different boundaries and priorities.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #100 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:26 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

It has been mentioned several times that dating is hard. Or harder than it was when you were younger. It isn't hard or harder than it was, it is just that now you know more and so the choices we make are more involved than when we were younger. There is also that element of "shot clock" ticking off in our heads. Where we imagine we have to score (not talking about sexually scoring here) because we aren't getting any younger, whereas when we were younger we imagined we would never get old. If one goes into thinking dating is harder, it becomes a chore. And chores are generally done as quickly as possible in order the cross that of our lists. Rather I would suggest that you look at dating as an adventure, an opportunity to explore and learn.
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post #101 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:27 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Yeah, Sophie55 sounds like a great person to me.

I feel sorry she ended up feeling hurt. I just want her to know whatever strategy she may adapt, is probably a good strategy.
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post #102 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I can't believe all the dating rules people play by! Sophia55 you did everything the way you wanted, met a guy, had a few nice dates, made a connection, had sex. It's unfortunate it didn't work out the way you wanted, but that doesn't mean that suddenly you need to start following some rule book or wondering if you did something wrong. Next time if you feel like sleeping with the guy go ahead and sleep with him, you're a grown ass woman and sex is fun, you should enjoy it! If you don't want to sleep with him so soon then don't, if he heads for the hills so be it, if he sticks around OK then. You just need to keep your eyes open and go with what feels right.

Every dating scenario is different, just like every person you date is different. Sometimes things work out the way you want, sometimes they don't, it doesn't necessarily mean anyone was right or wrong, good or bad, it can simply be not the right thing at that moment in life.

At least you ended your one year sex drought, that had to be fun! lol (I still can't get over doing it nine times, sure makes me feel inadequate)
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post #103 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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It has been mentioned several times that dating is hard. Or harder than it was when you were younger. It isn't hard or harder than it was, it is just that now you know more and so the choices we make are more involved than when we were younger. There is also that element of "shot clock" ticking off in our heads. Where we imagine we have to score (not talking about sexually scoring here) because we aren't getting any younger, whereas when we were younger we imagined we would never get old. If one goes into thinking dating is harder, it becomes a chore. And chores are generally done as quickly as possible in order the cross that of our lists. Rather I would suggest that you look at dating as an adventure, an opportunity to explore and learn.
Yep you will meet some real turds out there, but guess what those turds exist whether you meet them or not. All you can do is learn from them.
Both my BIL and bother are in the dating scene post divorce. Both have horror stories. Serial daters, drunks, no shows, lunatics. When I listen to them chatter back and forth I'm glad I'm not having to do the same. My brother has a good relationship gong now. Almost a year. My BIL gets about 3 weeks and dumped.

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post #104 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:56 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I think the vast majority of people know if they want to sleep with someone after the first or second date. If it hasn't happened by the 3rd or 4th date then the list of possible reasons is pretty short and mostly bad, so I figure you're mostly wasting time with anything beyond that.
Finding someone sexually attractive is not one dimensional, at least not for me. And I think not for a lot of women, and probably a lot of men.

There is a basic sexual attraction that must exist. But there is more beyond that, a lot more. It takes a while to find out about a person.

You can have whatever rules you want in dating. Just as I can have whatever rules I want.

Like Satya said in one of her posts, the 3-month thing is not a hard and fast rule. Its more of a guideline that I need to know the guy enough to trust that hes not just playing me.
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post #105 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:01 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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While I agree with you in theory this probably won't work in the OP's favor. The really great guys have lots of other opportunities to pick from and won't wait around for her. It's a simple supply/demand curve. Instead she should just make sure that she doesn't do things that she might regret.

I'm in the "great guy" category and I can vouch for there being lots of choices. It's a total flip from being in your 20's when the women have the upper hand.
Quality women also have lots of choices. They can keep their own boundaries and still find a quality man who will honor her boundaries.
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