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post #106 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:18 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Interesting Ele. That's not what I've heard from the women I date or my single female friends. They seem to think there is a major shortage of quality guys. But maybe it has to do with what women vs men view as quality.

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post #107 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Unfortunately you came into contact with a player and once he slept with you he moved on.The only reason he hung on so long was his age,if he had been fifteen years younger he wouldn't have waited so long for sex.There is not much you can do here other than put it behind you and move on.
At least the sex was good.
Unless other information is revealed, I doubt that he is a "player." Player's don't hang around for 4 dates to hook up. They F and leave as quickly as possible.

My interpretation is that she scared him and triggered some commitment phobia. She said he was still angry about a former bad marriage. I would wager he started to think about her as a long term partner as someone who was marriage material and he said to himself, I am not ready for this, I have to heal myself first before I can marry again.
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post #108 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I do think the dating pool is weighted a bit differently aged 40 compared to age 20.

For a start you tend to meet less people because so many are married off / have children so you're not doing so many of those activities where you're meeting people, and when you do meet them many have a lot of baggage and issues.

I did find it easier in my 20s.

I have a theory that a large portion of the great men got married and stayed married -not to say all the divorced ones are stinkers but I think statistically there's a higher incidence of them.

I read in an article on attachment theory that people fall into three categories

(a) anxious attachers (clingy, need someone, fall in love quickly)
(b) secure attachers (normal emotionally)
(c) avoidant attachers (people who fear intimacy and behave in ways to avoid it)

And the article said that in the age bracket I am in, a lot of people fall into category (c) because the first two categories are more likely to have formed good marriages and stayed married, and the latter is more likely to have never married or gotten divorced. I also read people can become category C following a bad marriage or divorce.

I come across a lot of this avoidant behavior dating men in their early 40s. they chase you, desire you, want to have you and a relationship and the moment reality sets in their fear-system activates and they knowingly or unknowingly act in ways to reduce intimacy. Like not calling you after a few great dates, or flirting with someone new on Tinder or avoiding meeting your friends etc. Ultimately their behavior is not conducive to growing a real bond and attachment because on some subconscious level that is a fearful prospect for them.

In many cases, apparently they are so entrenched in this behavior they don't even know they are doing it.

It's happened to me on 4 or 5 separate occasions in the last 3 years that I have been dating someone and all has been going well, and then after a particularly intimate date the guy has disappeared on me. On ALL those occasions, the guy came back 2 weeks or even a year later and told me he really liked me but he had panicked.

I have one guy who did that to me two years ago and I reacted pretty calmly when he pulled the "I don't want a relationship" card on me, and we became friends. We still go for drinks, and he has asked me out again several times and tried for another chance but it was too late. He was a good guy, but I scared him,

I think I can be a bit "scary" like that because if I like someone I totally show it, I cuddle them and I am affectionate and I want to see them and speak to them. I play no games at all, heart totally on sleeve and that can really scare the heck out of men who have fears like this.

Maybe this doctor loved the chase and then when he had me he panicked.
I don't think they are even aware they do it.
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post #109 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:35 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Quality women also have lots of choices. They can keep their own boundaries and still find a quality man who will honor her boundaries.
Based on what I see IRL among the single/divorced women I know, this is 100% true. We have a male friend who is good looking, owns a successful business, and is a catch. He said it is difficult to find a quality woman who enjoys working out and living a healthy lifestyle. He lives in a populated area too.

He did meet someone like-minded and once he did, he held onto her. They are still going strong and again, he's a great guy who likely had plenty of options. He treats her really well too, from what I've seen in the time we've spent with them.
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post #110 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Both my BIL and bother are in the dating scene post divorce. Both have horror stories. Serial daters, drunks, no shows, lunatics. When I listen to them chatter back and forth I'm glad I'm not having to do the same. My brother has a good relationship gong now. Almost a year. My BIL gets about 3 weeks and dumped.
Yeah, like none of that ever happened when you were 17? Two things come to mind here. First the only real difference is that now you are aware of those things. Secondly, it sounds like your brother and BIL need to look at the women they are going out with. In the end, we get to decide who we go out. Just because they keep picking losers doesn't make it bad.
I guess I don't understand the mentality that thinks we are not allowed to make mistakes. If we see some one we must become involved with them. If we sleep with them we must have an LTR.
There are several sayings that come to mind. "It is always darkest before dawn" and "For every high there is a low" are two. All the "duds" we go thru make all of the 'good' dates worthwhile, even more so.

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post #111 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

@Sophie55 Here's a PS

Please do get checked out for STDs, even if he did use condoms.

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post #112 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I was expressly clear with this guy I didn't want casual sex, so if he didn't want a to pursue the possibility of dating and relationships he (a) should get off the dating site and (b) shouldn't date and (c) shouldn't have sex with people like me who are genuinely looking.




Really? Did you have this conversation before you slept with him, and did he make any real promises that he broke? That wasn't clear from your post.

Or did you maybe think this and hope for it in your head, but not want to risk him saying no so you didn't really get clear expectations and relationship status confirmed by him before you slept with him?

It should be ok for you to admit to yourself that you actually really wanted to sleep with him and were afraid of pushing him for commitment before you landed him in bed.
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post #113 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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@Sophie55 Here's a PS

Please do get checked out for STDs, even if he did use condoms.
He's a doctor....you think so? Surely he's careful
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post #114 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:11 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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I can't believe all the dating rules people play by! Sophia55 you did everything the way you wanted, met a guy, had a few nice dates, made a connection, had sex. It's unfortunate it didn't work out the way you wanted, but that doesn't mean that suddenly you need to start following some rule book or wondering if you did something wrong. Next time if you feel like sleeping with the guy go ahead and sleep with him, you're a grown ass woman and sex is fun, you should enjoy it! If you don't want to sleep with him so soon then don't, if he heads for the hills so be it, if he sticks around OK then. You just need to keep your eyes open and go with what feels right.







At least you ended your one year sex drought, that had to be fun! lol (I still can't get over doing it nine times, sure makes me feel inadequate)

Exactly!!
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post #115 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:13 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I had a similar thing happen to me. Dated a girl for a month, we had sex, she wigged out and wanted to back off a bit. I'd assume the sex was bad, but we went at it all night long. I think some people just get in over here heads and don't realize the **** storm they can cause.

Don't let it affect your future behavior. Do whatever it is that feels right for you.

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post #116 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:14 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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this is how I have always felt, but now I don't know.

I never want to feel humiliated and used again, but also don't want to game play.

I try and have honest conversations with people but it is very difficult when they lie!
You have to try and get past this though. You will set YOURSELF up for failure if you blame all men for what one did. Same as my story. My x cheated on me but how would it be fair to blame all women for that? Not all women cheat.

Instead I recognize some do and move slow. Follow gut instincts. At some level relationships are about risk. If you don't take risk you'll never get to the reward.

Take a break from dating for a few weeks. Dating frustrated only amps the frustration. We have all been there

Good luck to you.
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post #117 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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He's a doctor....you think so? Surely he's careful
Doctors are not all careful, they can be rather cavalier in their attitudes.

I take it from your reply that you had unprotected sex?

If so, please do not trust to luck. Get tested, please.

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post #118 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:22 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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@Sophie55 Here's a PS

Please do get checked out for STDs, even if he did use condoms.
Quote:
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He's a doctor....you think so? Surely he's careful
Um, I just about spit out my drink reading this.

Get tested for STDs.

Trust nothing anyone says about their lack of exposure. Trust a medical test. Be wise about your health.
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post #119 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Really? Did you have this conversation before you slept with him, and did he make any real promises that he broke? That wasn't clear from your post.

Or did you maybe think this and hope for it in your head, but not want to risk him saying no so you didn't really get clear expectations and relationship status confirmed by him before you slept with him?

It should be ok for you to admit to yourself that you actually really wanted to sleep with him and were afraid of pushing him for commitment before you landed him in bed.
Not overtly.

In actions though, he acted like he wanted a relationship. Like by being on a dating site and his profile saying he wanted to meet new friends and maybe more. Like telling me he thought he'd found the perfect girl. Like texting goodmorning every day and goodnight every night and many times throughout the day. Calling to see how my day went. Asking every question about me and my thoughts on stuff. Sharing intimate information and asking about mine. Bringing me flowers.

I can't explain this very easily, but if you were with me on that date, and saw how sweet it was and all the handholding and snuggling up you'd have thought the guy wanted something more than a one night stand.

I'm not stupid, I don't invent things in my head, I carefully monitor people's actions /words and all that and I think he behaved in a way that made me feel it was going somewhere and the feeling was mutual.

He had also already asked me on the next date before we had sex. He'd said "next time let's go..." and I said "you're already planning next time?" and he said "of course".

I have had a fair bit of sex and a fair few dates and this was probably the most surprised I have been to find someone wasn't interested in me. I thought the opposite. Not to say I haven't been played before - I have - but the guy didn't snuggle up to me for 14 hours, laughing and stroking my hair and telling me about his childhood.

I wanted to sleep with him if I was going to see him again, I didn't want to sleep with him if it was the last time I'd ever see him.

Que sera, I was wrong. I don't harbour the guy any ill will.

I honestly wasn't afraid of pushing him for commitment, from the way he was acting I felt that was being freely given to me. I didn't get any sense whatsoever from the guy that he was interested in anything but definitely dating me more. It felt like a given to me, and if I misread that then he has odd ways of communicating how he feels.
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post #120 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Doctors are not all careful, they can be rather cavalier in their attitudes.

I take it from your reply that you had unprotected sex?

If so, please do not trust to luck. Get tested, please.

Yes I know I am clear - been tested and not had sex in a year.

He told me he hadn't had sex for months and was clear

I believed him because he's a doctor - and quite a well-known doctor - all over the internet and all that
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