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post #121 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:32 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

You can't get inside someone else's head to know why they did what they did.

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I think that will often happen dating until you run into the right person. There may be no fault here at all - things didn't work out, doesn't really matter why.

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post #122 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:26 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
While I agree with you in theory this probably won't work in the OP's favor. The really great guys have lots of other opportunities to pick from and won't wait around for her. It's a simple supply/demand curve. Instead she should just make sure that she doesn't do things that she might regret.

I'm in the "great guy" category and I can vouch for there being lots of choices. It's a total flip from being in your 20's when the women have the upper hand.
A lot of women believe that because you can get "it" so easily, they will be the one to pique your interest by being a challenge.
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post #123 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:30 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Yes I know I am clear - been tested and not had sex in a year.

He told me he hadn't had sex for months and was clear

I believed him because he's a doctor - and quite a well-known doctor - all over the internet and all that
He might not be a real doctor or he could have lied about being clear.

Get to an STD clinic and get tested, please.


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post #124 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

He's definitely a real doctor, he's all over the internet etc. Medical articles and he's in the press and stuff.

I will get checked though, because he probably has a more active sex life than he made out.
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post #125 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:36 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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He's definitely a real doctor, he's all over the internet etc. Medical articles and he's in the press and stuff.

I will get checked though, because he probably has a more active sex life than he made out.
Probably.

Have you checked him out on Linkedin? I wonder if he might be more married than he made out, too?


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post #126 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:56 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I am of the opinion that this is one of the players, and a very experienced one.

I subscribe to the no sex until in a relationship rule. I don't know how long it takes until we are in a relationship. Whatever long it takes, but it definitely doesn't take 3 dates.

I dated online when I was 41-42 and I went out with over 30 men, I wasn't about to sleep with everyone, or most of them or even a third of them. I've been with my current partner for 3 years now, I met him online and yes, we waited 3 months before having sex. Getting married this July. Like I said, it wasn't a timeline I imposed artificially and he didn't push either, by month 3 we were clearly serious. I had another relationship and before that and it didn't work out, I slept with that guy after about one month, but we were seeing each other more often than my current FI and that guy did push a bit.

If you want to avoid feeling this way, wait until you get to know the person really well. This guy wasn't realtionship material anyway, sex or no sex, someone who's bitter about the ex that way should normally be left alone, he's a time waster.

I am for casual sex, when I know it's casual and I want it to be casual. What I wanted to avoid the most while dating was feeling duped by dishonest men. If it's clear we are having casual sex and we are on the same page I'd feel fine. I'm sure that if you wanted to have casual sex and the guy was honest about it and sex was great, you wouldn't have any issues afterwards.
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post #127 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:57 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Just to expand a bit on timeline thing I didn't have time to state earlier.

Timelines as guidelines are fine just not hard a fast rules. I have been in this situation once where I was interested in a woman and by her claims she was interested in me. As we hit about date 5 or 6 sex was seeming the inevitable. Then I got hit with the 3 month rule, wherever that rule came from, and we were in week three. She stated she was scared of moving too quickly and wanted things slower. I didnt really know how to process this as it was a first for me. My initial reaction was ok maybe I read her wrong and she isn't as interested in me as I am in her. For me sex = exclusive and we were stuck in this limbo so to speak. Still I liked her and wanted to keep seeing her so we agreed to go slow and just date. I certainly respected her opinion on the matter

I also went back to dating others. The why is because while I respected her decision I didn't want to wait months and months for this to finally reveal if we would would become a couple or not. Course the inevitable came and she found out I was dating another so we ended it. I think we both walked away feeling maybe we weren't as important to the other as we thought we were.

I think this is an area where compatible partners find one another and we just weren't that
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post #128 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 09:44 PM
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Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Not overtly.



In actions though, he acted like he wanted a relationship. Like by being on a dating site and his profile saying he wanted to meet new friends and maybe more. Like telling me he thought he'd found the perfect girl. Like texting goodmorning every day and goodnight every night and many times throughout the day. Calling to see how my day went. Asking every question about me and my thoughts on stuff. Sharing intimate information and asking about mine. Bringing me flowers.



I can't explain this very easily, but if you were with me on that date, and saw how sweet it was and all the handholding and snuggling up you'd have thought the guy wanted something more than a one night stand.



I'm not stupid, I don't invent things in my head, I carefully monitor people's actions /words and all that and I think he behaved in a way that made me feel it was going somewhere and the feeling was mutual.



He had also already asked me on the next date before we had sex. He'd said "next time let's go..." and I said "you're already planning next time?" and he said "of course".



I have had a fair bit of sex and a fair few dates and this was probably the most surprised I have been to find someone wasn't interested in me. I thought the opposite. Not to say I haven't been played before - I have - but the guy didn't snuggle up to me for 14 hours, laughing and stroking my hair and telling me about his childhood.



I wanted to sleep with him if I was going to see him again, I didn't want to sleep with him if it was the last time I'd ever see him.



Que sera, I was wrong. I don't harbour the guy any ill will.



I honestly wasn't afraid of pushing him for commitment, from the way he was acting I felt that was being freely given to me. I didn't get any sense whatsoever from the guy that he was interested in anything but definitely dating me more. It felt like a given to me, and if I misread that then he has odd ways of communicating how he feels.


So it was a mix of you being hot for him and being DTF and hearing what you wanted to hear, and maybe him being misleading about his intentions to some greater or lesser extent.

Would you still have slept with him if he had said he wasn't ready for a commitment, or to be exclusive?

Would you be interested in sleeping with him again in a casual "we have good sexual chemistry, let's see each other every few weeks when we have the time and feel the urge" level of relationship?

Honestly, It is weird that he seemed serious about a relationship and then dumped you. If he's an attractive high status doctor in his early 40s and he has any social skills and game he can get laid easily.

You were a lot of work and time for a one night pump and dump. (Although you're gorgeous and worth it, of course!)


Much harder question for you, and I'm really not trying to be nasty with this: Any sense that he went over to your place serious about the relationship but then after sleeping over, anything that could have given him second thoughts in the morning? Scars, physical abnormalities? House cleanliness issues, hoarding, too many cats? Bad interactions with your kids or anyone else in the house? Hard push from you on locking him down for commitment in the morning?

Last edited by MartinBeck; 05-19-2017 at 09:57 PM.
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post #129 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:15 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

If he's some kind of celebrity/famous doctor; then I think it's more likely he's a player. LOTS of options for him.


I know you're lonely Sophie. This must be so hard. One thing, four dates/one month is not a long time. I got the impression in one of your posts that you thought it was the beginning of a relationship. I don't think it qualifies as that.

Get a dildo/vibrator. It's not as good as a man; but it might help you to scratch the itch so you're not so sexually vulnerable. Sorry, if that sounds crude; but you know what I mean.

No matter what happens, make sure these guys don't meet your kid until you are in a serious relationship. Not in your house if/when you have sex. Not bonding with them; then "poof", the guy is out of your life in a couple of months. I look at these things from the kid's point of view a lot of times. Not saying you're not careful that way; just bringing it up "in case".


And yes, absolutely get tested for every STD under the sun.
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post #130 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 11:16 PM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Much harder question for you, and I'm really not trying to be nasty with this: Any sense that he went over to your place serious about the relationship but then after sleeping over, anything that could have given him second thoughts in the morning? Scars, physical abnormalities? House cleanliness issues, hoarding, too many cats? Bad interactions with your kids or anyone else in the house? Hard push from you on locking him down for commitment in the morning?


Fascinating.

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post #131 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 04:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

He's not famous or a celebrity but he's well known in the medical community for being an expert on a specific subject so he's got a lot of press, but nothing the public would recognise. I always google people to make sure their story matches their picture etc. after being catfished once before.

HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came across him on Tinder this morning, new profile because he'd been on there last month listed as 41 and this time he listed himself as 36!!!!!!!! He actually looks 46 / 47 in real life so maybe he lied to me about his age too. I remember thinking he looked much older than 41.

So CLEARLY, on there to pick up women (and younger women too). Clearly a complete player, and I was taken by one of the best because boy did he have me believing he was sweet. A whole month to get me into bed. What a complete loser this guy is.

The scariest thing of all...I was so shocked, taken aback that I accidentally swiped right on him and we matched!!!!! So some time in the last 24 hours (my profile was hidden until yesterday) he saw me and swiped right on me. WEIRD.

did he not remember he'd ALREADY played me?

Really disgusted by this guy
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post #132 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 05:42 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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He's not famous or a celebrity but he's well known in the medical community for being an expert on a specific subject so he's got a lot of press, but nothing the public would recognise. I always google people to make sure their story matches their picture etc. after being catfished once before.

HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came across him on Tinder this morning, new profile because he'd been on there last month listed as 41 and this time he listed himself as 36!!!!!!!! He actually looks 46 / 47 in real life so maybe he lied to me about his age too. I remember thinking he looked much older than 41.

So CLEARLY, on there to pick up women (and younger women too). Clearly a complete player, and I was taken by one of the best because boy did he have me believing he was sweet. A whole month to get me into bed. What a complete loser this guy is.

The scariest thing of all...I was so shocked, taken aback that I accidentally swiped right on him and we matched!!!!! So some time in the last 24 hours (my profile was hidden until yesterday) he saw me and swiped right on me. WEIRD.

did he not remember he'd ALREADY played me?

Really disgusted by this guy
Sophie55, I'm sorry you discovered that. All you can do is learn from the experience.

Maybe take a small break to recuperate, but don't give up on dating. There are good men out there that meet your boundaries. I found one and after 12 years of no dating after my father passed, my mom found one. He won't come flying through the window like superman, but I do believe he's out there.

I know you really don't want to hear it again, but please follow the previous advice and get STD tested. You need to be your own best friend right now, and a good friend is one who will tell you what you don't want to hear, but need to hear.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #133 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 05:51 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Well, I'm glad you discovered that. And I hope you don't think I mean to be negative. Knowledge is power. And, actually I think it'll help you shove it aside.

Be well.
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post #134 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 05:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Oh totally William.

Before I thought I'd lost a chance with a great guy and maybe there was something wrong with me.

Now I feel like I sideswiped a complete jerk and won't give him another thought.
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post #135 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-20-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Just be thankful he isn't the doctor for you or a relative.

Is he really that doctor or just a look alike?


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