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post #1 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:32 AM Thread Starter
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Can men tell me what happened here?

I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?

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post #2 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:42 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Because despite him meeting such a wonderful woman who he was really starting to get attached to, his ex had damaged him far more than he has acknowledged and he really is not yet in a place mentally where he can risk being vulnerable enough to give himself the chance of finding love again.

He may never be in that place, emotionally.

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post #3 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:49 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?
Unfortunately you came into contact with a player and once he slept with you he moved on.The only reason he hung on so long was his age,if he had been fifteen years younger he wouldn't have waited so long for sex.There is not much you can do here other than put it behind you and move on.
At least the sex was good.
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post #4 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:25 AM
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Cool Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

What you have encountered, @Sophie55 ~ is greatly what I would fear myself of becoming!

Although at least I truly believe that my conscience could never allow me to ever lead a woman on!

It was, however, within his psychological makeup! But the sad thing is that he will probably repeat this act many times over in order to get to that next elusive piece that he's so ardently pursuing!

Guys like him give honest, sincere men everywhere a bad name!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 05-19-2017 at 05:29 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #5 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:30 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

My advice might not be agreeable to you, and I'm a woman, so feel free to disregard, but if you are truly looking for a committed relationship, don't have sex so early on. There are unfortunately many men out there like the one you dated, who may either be players, damaged, carring great baggage, etc.

I dated several like your guy, and because I was very adamant about wanting a RELATIONSHIP, I would not have sex until we dated for 3 months. Many of them, even the most mature seeming and romantic, dropped like flies.

Many posters here, especially men, think 3 months is rediculous, I'm sure, however those were my personal boundaries. I love sex, but I also know that I only want it with a man who truly wants me and to give up the cookie early would send a message I didn't want to send.

IMO, having sex early on shows with actions that you'll go against your own words when you tell men that you're selectively looking for a committed relationship. They'll think twice about your seriousness and put you in the "fun woman" box. You want to be in the "marrying kind" box.

I know there are many posters here who had sex early on, married, and are happy, but they are the outliers IMO, especially in this day and age. My current husband and I waited, because we both wanted the relationship to blossom and succeed on its own merit. When we had sex the first time, it was mind blowing and has been that way since.

So in summary, I think that you need to respect what you can offer to a man more than you currently are. Protect it, and a man who is right for you will emerge. Any man can tell you you're beautiful and say the right things, but if you don't give enough time to really tell from his actions if he's as noble as he seems, then you're only making things easier for him and unfair to you.

All the best.

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post #6 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:30 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

I'm not so sure I would label the guy as a player, my thoughts were more of an emotionally unavailable man. I don't think a player is going to quit after a night of great sex, he's going to want to keep tapping that until something else comes along.

OP I think it was entirely possible the guy went into it with the right intentions, but when things developed into what could be an actual relationship he freaked out. Dating was easy, no strings and you walk away at any time, but once that emotional connection is made things change, now there's expectations, commitments and obligations, there's the time necessary, the planning, the compromising. It was fun to wine and dine you, but he doesn't want to have to do that all the time, that takes energy he doesn't have or isn't willing to give.

I recognize myself in your post, in my head I keep thinking I want to be in a relationship, but when it comes down to it I'm not willing to give of myself what is needed in a relationship. It took me awhile to recognize this in myself, and I hurt a few women along the way, that's one of the reasons I haven't been on an actual date in three years. I love women and miss a woman's company, but know I will just end up hurting them.

Sophie55 I know my answer doesn't make you feel any better, I know you still feel played, and the guy certainly could have intentionally played you, or he could just be screwed up and is afraid of a good thing.
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post #7 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:49 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Andy1001 View Post
Unfortunately you came into contact with a player and once he slept with you he moved on.The only reason he hung on so long was his age,if he had been fifteen years younger he wouldn't have waited so long for sex.There is not much you can do here other than put it behind you and move on.
At least the sex was good.
That's also a possibility.

Though do players care enough about what other people think of them to offer an apology as to why the relationship will go no further?

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post #8 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:51 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
My advice might not be agreeable to you, and I'm a woman, so feel free to disregard, but if you are truly looking for a committed relationship, don't have sex so early on. There are unfortunately many men out there like the one you dated, who may either be players, damaged, carring great baggage, etc.

I dated several like your guy, and because I was very adamant about wanting a RELATIONSHIP, I would not have sex until we dated for 3 months. Many of them, even the most mature seeming and romantic, dropped like flies.

Many posters here, especially men, think 3 months is rediculous, I'm sure, however those were my personal boundaries. I love sex, but I also know that I only want it with a man who truly wants me and to give up the cookie early would send a message I didn't want to send.

IMO, having sex early on shows with actions that you'll go against your own words when you tell men that you're selectively looking for a committed relationship. They'll think twice about your seriousness and put you in the "fun woman" box. You want to be in the "marrying kind" box.

I know there are many posters here who had sex early on, married, and are happy, but they are the outliers IMO, especially in this day and age. My current husband and I waited, because we both wanted the relationship to blossom and succeed on its own merit. When we had sex the first time, it was mind blowing and has been that way since.

So in summary, I think that you need to respect what you can offer to a man more than you currently are. Protect it, and a man who is right for you will emerge. Any man can tell you you're beautiful and say the right things, but if you don't give enough time to really tell from his actions if he's as noble as he seems, then you're only making things easier for him and unfair to you.

All the best.
Three months, filled with getting to know each other, going out on fun dates, meals, etc? Yeah, I could see that as being a good idea.

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post #9 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Thank you to everybody for the responses.

I think that in my head it just felt like none of the normal rules seemed to follow in this situation because I understand that sometimes a person won't find you attractive or sometimes they won't like you or sometimes they don't want a relationship and sometimes they just want sex; and normally if any of those things are true, you can read it to a strong degree from their actions and body language and behavior. When someone does something like this it makes me feel quite vulnerable in dating because he didn't act or reveal any of those things.

Satya you are quite right of course, I realise "making a man wait" is a way to ascertain his character and intentions and you're right on so many levels about this. Being honest, I'd gone a long time without sex or affection (I am quite selective with dating and also afraid of being hurt or used) and I'd had some wine and it felt right. My gut was wrong on this one because at no point did I anticipate any possibility of this happening with this particular man. On the upside, he revealed his poor character to me early in. I love sex too, but it's amazing how quickly a sensible woman can feel cheap when something like this happens and I don't like the way it's made me feel.

Cooper, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words there. It's strange because people say words like "player" but I am a big believer that underneath it all, most human being just want the same thing - to love and be loved - and when men (or women) act like this I so often think it's fear that prevents them from acting normally. I mean, he wasted a month of my time, yes, but also a month of his own. There's easier ways to get sex, especially for a handsome 41 year old doctor with his own practice, so part of me believes he was at least playing at the fantasy of having a relationship and maybe wasn't up to the job.

His past relationship history, which he actually divulged in full that night, is pretty sad. He married his first girlfriend right out of college and ended up trapped for 16 years in a marriage with someone who sounded like a really bad bully. This guy came across as very weak / not assertive, and what he described to me sounded like pretty high level emotional abuse. He still seemed very shaken and he is only two years out from that divorce that cost him 80% of his assets and she now won't let him see his young children. Actually the day he left here he was going to see his children for the first time in months because she was obstructing contact. He did seem honestly really upset and he mentioned that he was worried about feeling "trapped" or "controlled" again so maybe it is easier for him to feel safety in freedom and without attachment to anyone who can potentially harm him that way again.

So maybe, yes, he enjoyed the idea of me, but the reality of what it would mean was too hard. I felt mostly quite sad for him because I know we had a good time, that he was happy because he didn't want to leave and he missed out really here on knowing a woman who liked him for himself and would have been kind and loving towards him which he has never experienced.

He might have played me, but he lost out too. I don't think anyone gets real satisfaction or happiness from behaving like this.
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post #10 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:22 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
Thank you to everybody for the responses.

I think that in my head it just felt like none of the normal rules seemed to follow in this situation because I understand that sometimes a person won't find you attractive or sometimes they won't like you or sometimes they don't want a relationship and sometimes they just want sex; and normally if any of those things are true, you can read it to a strong degree from their actions and body language and behavior. When someone does something like this it makes me feel quite vulnerable in dating because he didn't act or reveal any of those things.

Satya you are quite right of course, I realise "making a man wait" is a way to ascertain his character and intentions and you're right on so many levels about this. Being honest, I'd gone a long time without sex or affection (I am quite selective with dating and also afraid of being hurt or used) and I'd had some wine and it felt right. My gut was wrong on this one because at no point did I anticipate any possibility of this happening with this particular man. On the upside, he revealed his poor character to me early in. I love sex too, but it's amazing how quickly a sensible woman can feel cheap when something like this happens and I don't like the way it's made me feel.

Cooper, I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words there. It's strange because people say words like "player" but I am a big believer that underneath it all, most human being just want the same thing - to love and be loved - and when men (or women) act like this I so often think it's fear that prevents them from acting normally. I mean, he wasted a month of my time, yes, but also a month of his own. There's easier ways to get sex, especially for a handsome 41 year old doctor with his own practice, so part of me believes he was at least playing at the fantasy of having a relationship and maybe wasn't up to the job.

His past relationship history, which he actually divulged in full that night, is pretty sad. He married his first girlfriend right out of college and ended up trapped for 16 years in a marriage with someone who sounded like a really bad bully. This guy came across as very weak / not assertive, and what he described to me sounded like pretty high level emotional abuse. He still seemed very shaken and he is only two years out from that divorce that cost him 80% of his assets and she now won't let him see his young children. Actually the day he left here he was going to see his children for the first time in months because she was obstructing contact. He did seem honestly really upset and he mentioned that he was worried about feeling "trapped" or "controlled" again so maybe it is easier for him to feel safety in freedom and without attachment to anyone who can potentially harm him that way again.

So maybe, yes, he enjoyed the idea of me, but the reality of what it would mean was too hard. I felt mostly quite sad for him because I know we had a good time, that he was happy because he didn't want to leave and he missed out really here on knowing a woman who liked him for himself and would have been kind and loving towards him which he has never experienced.

He might have played me, but he lost out too. I don't think anyone gets real satisfaction or happiness from behaving like this.
Oh. Likely scenario, he mentioned to his abusive bully ex that he was seeing someone and she said: "Drop her, or you'll never see your children again."

So he did what he was told.


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post #11 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:00 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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That's also a possibility.

Though do players care enough about what other people think of them to offer an apology as to why the relationship will go no further?
When I made my original post I didn't know the guy was a doctor.I have mentioned this before but when I was single and in the dating game there were two types of people I refused to date.Doctors and nurses.
As for your question would he apologise afterwards for running.Of course he would,the op is even now excusing his behaviour,he doesn't want her telling women what a bastard he really is.
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post #12 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:15 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

maybe hes still married!
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post #13 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:36 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

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maybe hes still married!

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post #14 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:39 AM
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Re: Can men tell me what happened here?

Without reading other replies (yet), my guess is that he's being honest, and just isn't ready.

You mentioned he discussed his previous marriage and still seemed upset and angry about it. That's all you need to know about that. 4th date, and he's talking angrily about his ex-wife. Ouch.

The other likelihood is that he is/was looking to have a pretty casual relationship - but doesn't quite know how to go about it. Hence the "dating". He got home that day, and realized that he was well on his way to an actual relationship.

I wouldn't say that he was only looking to get laid, but that's a possibility, too. And perhaps he thought he was going about it the 'right' way (without being a player or a dog) because that's the only way he knows how.

But when that happened, and he had a little time to reflect, he may have thought "oh ****, I've just started an actual relationship here".

Honestly, it sucks for you, but it is what it is. At the very least, it sounds like he treated you well, and you had a few good dates. I can see how you would feel taken advantage of or a little violated, but I don't get the impression that was his goal - just to bed you.

At the end of the day, consider it a blessing. I wouldn't want to date someone who was still vocally angry at their ex partner. That implies they still have feelings of some sort for them. I was angry at my ex wife for a long time, but I never once let it seep into my relationship with my now-wife. I never talked about her, discussed her in any way. She was a non-entity in my relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sophie55 View Post
I know women go through this kind of story a lot, but I like to think I am an intelligent woman (35) who runs a company and is a good judge of character (normally!). I get asked out a lot, but am really selective, trying to only choose men who seem compatible and also honest, kind and good people.

I met a man through online dating (41). We both have very busy careers and similar backgrounds / objectives so on paper this was a great match.

We talked for a couple of weeks over text / telephone and then had a brief coffee date to meet, which went very well. He said many, many times how beautiful I was and how much he liked things about me (my confidence, fun nature, sweetness).

We progressed to a second date lunch date, which went very well with the first kiss and hand holding and he seemed very much besotted and I began to warm to him because he seemed very humble, kind and honest.

We progressed to a third date, dinner this time, which went really wonderfully. Lots of kissing and talking and feeling warm and happy.

Throughout this time, I'd say he was very attentive, consistent, kind, gentlemanly and seemed to have a lovely and caring disposition.

The fourth date, which we had last week, was dinner at my place (all I could manage with my schedule that day) and he arrived with flowers and wine and we had a really great evening. We properly talked over that night, revealed a lot about ourselves and out past (he had a horrible marriage and he seemed to be very much still quite upset and angry about it) and I felt over that night we became really emotionally intimate.

We slept together that night, and I think he enjoyed the sex because we did it multiple times, and again multiple times in the morning. He stayed for most of the next day, and we talked a lot more, cuddled, kissed and it felt definitely like the start of a relationship.

Then he left and messaged me shortly afterwards to say he enjoyed the time he spent with me and thought the sex was amazing but he just could not "do" a relationship and he felt I deserved one.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about this, he definitely made out he was growing a relationship with me, so I am confused. if he didn't like me, why did he spend so much time on me, and if the sex was disappointing, why did he keep doing it?

I haven't been with a man for a year, due to being selective and wanting to meet someone right, and that night we had such a wonderful, close and intimate time and it felt very clear he was loving the time he was spending with me from his words and actions so I am very confused about why he suddenly doesn't want to see me again.

I also feel a bit violated! It makes me feel almost ill when I think this person had that intimacy with me (emotionally and physically) and he treated me like I was invisible afterwards.

Why does a man behave like this?

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post #15 of 220 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:44 AM
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Can men tell me what happened here?

When I was dating I thought 3 months was ridiculous. I thought waiting 3 dates was unreasonable. But I am a man and I was genuinely looking for a relationship, a permanent relationship.

It did not dawn on me a woman might not be looking for the same, so I saw no reason to wait. I don't think I ever met a woman who wasn't looking for a permanent relationship. Yeah, I'm sure there's some out there, whatever.

I'm a lot older now. I've realized men are terrible. You have to do something to weed out the players. It's too bad you have to give up your freedoms and fun to do that.

Good luck.
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