Making it work for the kids - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
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Making it work for the kids

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and have 6 children together. About 4 years ago I left my job as a state social worker, making great progress in the field of advancement, to become a sty at home dad while she worked as a nurse. Everything was fine for quite so time but probably over the last year at least I feel as though I am simply a tool so that she can do what she wants to do. I used to go see a movie or go window shopping, just something I could do by myself to get away for a couple hours but that has stopped. However my wife routinely goes out to eat with her mother, get her nails done with her mother, goes to movies with her mother and even recently went on a 4 day vacation to Las Vegas with some friends from work while I stayed at home. I beg her to talk to me but every time I try to say I need a break or can you please not do this or that she tells me things like I am being controlling or I am jealous or I need to always be up her butt. I do everything at the house from cook to clean, which I know is part of the deal of being a stay at home parent but I go from 6am when the kids wake up for school until 9pm when they go to bed. Also our 5 year old is special needs autistic with ADHD and I take him to 3 different therapies 2 days a week.

On days my wife is off she always has something planned or lays in bed, usually until her mom is off work then she goes out with her. I need my wife to understand I cannot do this anymore. I hide my depression from her but I can't keep living this way. Now it is summer and again my kids were signed up for tons of things by my wife and it will be my responsibility to take them where ever it is they need to go. I am just SO TIRED. My special needs son is SO MUCH work by himself, I want her to help me. If I would talk about any of this it would instantly be a fight so I really don't know what to do, but I wish I just had the wife I used to have back.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 03:08 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your wife has completely lost all respect for you. You are no longer a husband to her, just an employee she can treat how she likes.

The only way to get your "wife back" is to become the man you once were. Easier said than done, I know. Take some time to read the book "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and start to implement some of what he talks about. Sometimes you have to get into a fight for her to see that you still have a backbone and will not stand for the way she is treating you.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:01 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

Frankly this happens a whole lot to SAHDs. Lots of "enlightened" women think they can handle it but they end up losing respect for their husbands when they don't provide financially for them. I would end that now. Get your career back on track, look to make as much money as possible, you many need it soon. Are you sure she is doing these things with her mother? Check your phone bill for text and calls to numbers you don't know. Going on a Vegas trip without you is a huge red flag. I know you are going to say there is no way she would cheat. Check your phone. Everyone here will back me up

You are not being passive to expect the minimum of respect in a relationship. You fall all the same patterns of passive aggressive men who end up getting abused this way. The wives always use guilt and the controlling line. Your response to that should have been, well I guess I am controlling but no one is going to treat me this way. Are you from a divorced home? I think you need to get some counseling as your behavior and fear is not healthy.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Making it work for the kids

I just want to find a way to make it where I don't have to say "can we talk" and her response usually be "well talk". In all honesty I miss the affection from her, it seems to just be gone. I mean of course 6 kids 1 being special needs will be a strain on any relationship, however, I feel like I am paddling up river with a broken paddle while she tells me to paddle faster.

The Vegas trip, of course I didn't want her to go, but if I said no then her reason for not going would be her husband don't let her. Then when I dropped her off she was just cold towards me like she only wanted to be on the trip. Devils advocate, she has earned a vacation, she works all the time, why not go. But even being the devils advocate one might ask what does the husband get? answer is I went to the movies after putting the kids to bed, watched a late show "The promise" got home at 1:30am then had to get up with the kids when they got up the next morning.


I feel like marriage is a lot of give and take and compromise but I am short end of the stick over and over again.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 04:48 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

I'd get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs. It's written by a clinical psychologist who says that compromise is not the ideal in marriage. It's far better to learn how to negotiate in marriage to come to mutual decisions you're both enthusiastic about. Compromise requires one spouse to settle for a less enthusiastic decision and can lead to resentment.

Did you wife want to be the breadwinner? Most women have a high need for financial support, even when they have an established career as well. With 6 kids that may be more difficult to manage.

The marriage as it stands isn't working for you. Your wife should not be going to Vegas without your enthusiastic agreement. There is nothing wrong with sitting her down and letting her know that you've decided that you're not ok with her going to Vegas, and anything else that you are no longer ok with in the marriage. Work to find mutually agreeable solutions that work for both of you, not just one of you.

You two are likely not spending nearly enough alone time together. This is a problem because you're now looking outside of the marriage to have fun, instead of turning towards each other and having fun together. This is covered in the book I recommended- I highly recommend you check it out- it could really be helpful to you.
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:26 PM
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Cool Re: Making it work for the kids

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Originally Posted by Faceless_Man View Post
My wife and I have been together for 15 years and have 6 children together. About 4 years ago I left my job as a state social worker, making great progress in the field of advancement, to become a sty at home dad while she worked as a nurse. Everything was fine for quite so time but probably over the last year at least I feel as though I am simply a tool so that she can do what she wants to do. I used to go see a movie or go window shopping, just something I could do by myself to get away for a couple hours but that has stopped. However my wife routinely goes out to eat with her mother, get her nails done with her mother, goes to movies with her mother and even recently went on a 4 day vacation to Las Vegas with some friends from work while I stayed at home. I beg her to talk to me but every time I try to say I need a break or can you please not do this or that she tells me things like I am being controlling or I am jealous or I need to always be up her butt. I do everything at the house from cook to clean, which I know is part of the deal of being a stay at home parent but I go from 6am when the kids wake up for school until 9pm when they go to bed. Also our 5 year old is special needs autistic with ADHD and I take him to 3 different therapies 2 days a week.

On days my wife is off she always has something planned or lays in bed, usually until her mom is off work then she goes out with her. I need my wife to understand I cannot do this anymore. I hide my depression from her but I can't keep living this way. Now it is summer and again my kids were signed up for tons of things by my wife and it will be my responsibility to take them where ever it is they need to go. I am just SO TIRED. My special needs son is SO MUCH work by himself, I want her to help me. If I would talk about any of this it would instantly be a fight so I really don't know what to do, but I wish I just had the wife I used to have back.
She needs to know, in no uncertain terms, that you have just about had it with her unresponsible behavior toward the family in general!

Having said that, I feel that she needs to know that you are going to be hauling her to marriage counseling ASAP! And if she even slightly balks at that directive, then you need to make it abundantly clear that you're going to file for divorce, and all too soon!

There is absolutely no viable excuse for the way that she is treating both you and the kids!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 05-19-2017 at 05:30 PM. Reason: Edification
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 05:41 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

Sounds like she us the controlling one and not you.

and possibly abusive.

not only that, but sounds like she has taken her wedding vows and tossed them in the trash.

the solution? As is constantly said on this site; 'man-up!'

Begin by restarting your career no matter what she says.

will there be fights about it? You bet there will be. It wont be easy.
I was once where you are.

But, then you asked didn't you?
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Making it work for the kids

Also, I should say she does do laundry and occasionally we tackle cleaning together. 6 kids I am sure you can imagine it is tough to keep it model home style though it is kept clean.

the Vegas trip was very hard for me, as a matter of fact when I dropped her off I literally got sick and puked after I left due to the feeling of her being so cold and bitter. I dropped her off at her friends house and once there she said put my bag there (pointed to the sidewalk) and was walking inside. I said can I have a hug and a kiss? she then said come here then when I went to her she was completely limp. She says that it did not happen that way but I know for a fact it did as it is burned into me. Also she was only worried about being there as she says she was the last one there and everyone was waiting on her. I cried quite a bit while she was gone because I couldn't believe how easy it seemed for her to just go. Also during her trip we spoke I think twice maybe only once and it was briefly and I would try to text her just very basic "I miss you, I love you, I hope you're having fun" but got little response.

She ignores how hurt I was by her going on that trip and leaving me at home with all 6 kids by myself. We go on trips together quite often but I would not leave her alone with all 6 to go on a vacation. If it was for work, I might not be as hurt but she went to have a vacation. Then the day she came home I had to hear about how tired she was because she took a redeye and couldn't sleep. So she wouldn't talk to me all day and wouldn't even interact all day, definitely zero affection.

So what I have done on a couple occasions is write her letters, unfortunately she does not read them, which is a shame because I pour my heart out into them, very similar to what I am doing here. Also bothersome that I constantly hear things like "well the girl I work with her husband don't this or that" I don't care about them this is our marriage. Most recently she told me how a girl she works with has sex with her husband while she is on her phone and lets him "do his thing" I am like are you telling me this, because this is what you want?

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I am reading it all and I am looking at all the books, and I have looked into counseling. I know her response will be "no time, or no money" which makes me mad as hell when she says those things about certain things because she gets her nails and hair done all the time while I have completely let myself go, also that she can go to Las Vegas but we don't have money for this or that..
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:29 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

While I was very young our female cat had kittens. She had them behind and underneath the bathtub. The access door to the plumbing had been left off and she went in and had her babies.

One day while eating my breakfast, I heard a mewing from behind the wall in the kitchen. This was directly underneath the upstairs bathroom. One of the kittens had fallen down the hollow wall and was trapped and doomed. It was soon to die.

When I read your post, this reminded me of your plight.

Do not be a kitten, be a Tiger.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:32 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

FM,

Given the lack of respect your W has for you, I would suspect the Vegas trip ended up with her hooking up with someone.

What is the character of the friends she went with were any of them recently divorced.

Do you have access to her cell phone records.

Has she ever said to you "I love you but am not in love with you"

Tamat

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:42 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

Just google "stay at home dad divorce rates" and start reading.

Real eye opener.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Making it work for the kids

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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
FM,

Given the lack of respect your W has for you, I would suspect the Vegas trip ended up with her hooking up with someone.

What is the character of the friends she went with were any of them recently divorced.

Do you have access to her cell phone records.

Has she ever said to you "I love you but am not in love with you"

Tamat

They were all married women, but I don't know them. have only met them once before, not enough to know their character. I've never questioned her faithfulness, but there is obviously something.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 07:14 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

Did you have your wife's agreement to quit your job?

Is it possible that you're a tad needy? I mean, you said you take trips together and yet you're throwing up over her going to Vegas with friends?

How often would you be ok with her going out to get her nails done, or going out with her mother? I'm trying to get a sense of how needy you are.

It sounds a little over the top. Maybe you should go back to work.

How old are the kids?
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 08:52 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

You can't have a successful marriage when only one person cares about it. You have given up you agency in your own life to a women who is using you to babysit her kids. I know that is harsh man, but you need to see it. The Vegas trip thing is the worse, what kind of loving spouse goes out and parties while you puke on the sidewalk. But if you won't stand up for yourself who will. It's OK to have expectations in the marriage the trip was one of them. Honor and Cherish remember those words? She said them to you, so you are not being controlling to expect her to abide by the agreement. Your wife sucks man. She is as total *******.

What would happen if you started going out without her? What would she say, what could she say. You should, just to establish some sense of balance. It's a common truth on these boards. People will treat their spouse as poorly as their spouse will allow them to.

Check your phone man. I would bet good money all of this stuff involved men as well. Again I know it harsh but why would we think any different. In what healthy marriage does one of the spouses go to sin city without the other, especially when the other is not cool with it. None that I can think of.

You say you want to get your wife back, you have no control over that, but you can get yourself back. Get a job and start making money. Get your pride back. Get you strength back. And get you hope back, you don't have to stay with someone who treats you like crap. Just cause she doesn't care about you anymore doesn't mean there isn't someone else who will.

Last edited by sokillme; 05-19-2017 at 08:58 PM.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 05-19-2017, 10:29 PM
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Re: Making it work for the kids

How old are the kids? At what ages were you originally planning on going back to work?


What was the thinking around having SIX kids? On a nurse's and social worker's salary? How do you afford six kids on just a nurse's salary?!?


Make concrete plans to get a job. Start job hunting. Something, anything! If you can use your previous social worker career credentials or contacts so much the better.

Why the hell did you quit your job to be a SAHD? What was the thought process for about when you would reenter the workforce?

Social workers aren't a high status high paying job, so not sure what your plans are for being able to support yourself if you end up divorced with no alimony from her. At least presumably the state job had good benefits and pension and no risk of corporate layoffs... I get it, you were a social worker and a government employee, so not exactly the most ambitious guy in the world, but....why the hell would you give that gov job security up if she's just pulling in nursing money?!?

What is your retirement plan and do you have any visibility into your wife's income, assets, and retirement accounts?

You need to take stock of your life and your choices. "Getting your wife back" is the least of your worries.

Your wife has less respect for you then we here on TAM do. And you're hearing what we're all saying. Almost certainly guaranteed your wife did things in Vegas she would not want to admit to you.
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