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Old 01-12-2012, 02:53 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult ADD/ADHD

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Originally Posted by Runs like Dog View Post
I take a low dosage amphetamine in addition to other psychotropic drugs and such. The older I get the less absolute focus I am able to apply. Meds help to some extent. I can't tell though if it's ADD or an inability to tolerate boredom and fools.
LOL, if it were simply the inability to tolerate boredom and fools I'd be on a bunch of pills myself.

Do you find the side effects, if any, manageable?
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:01 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Ok So I am in the minority on this issue, but I am going to tell you what I have experienced.

For twenty one years I have dealt with the hubby and adhd. I found as a couple, it didn't really intefere with things because we were young and really had no responsibility. When our first child was born, that was when things really started getting clearer. We went to a therapist fourteen years ago and he looked at hubby and said you have adhd. Hubby stormed out and we never went back. For twelve years I have dealt with his adhd issues on my own. Some of the things he did. Lets see.. He blurted out things before he thought about them and it got to the point people would not go out with us,it lead to many hurt feelings for me and whatever couple was with us. He couldn't tolerate his newborn screaming at the top of his lungs,he couldn't focus when we had countless conversations, he forgot things, acted impulsively, Can't sit for any length of time,had no remorse for anything he did. The only time he could focus, was when it required something mechanical to be fixed,something he was extremely good at.

What did this do.... Brought us from happy well adjusted couple to the couple you never wanted to be. I held resentment towards him for not being able to carry out simple tasks at home with the kids, couldn't be involved in any situation where it was extremely noisy,so no bday parties. Got worse when the second child came by surprise and I was handling the house, the kids, the bills, laundry, and groceries and all the cooking. This was not just an adjustment to the kids, it was beyond that. Two years ago, I asked for a divorce. It nearly killed him. After all the arguing, he didn't understand what he did wrong. He couldn't control his temper and said or should I say blurted out really mean things to the kids and me.

Two years ago, he seeked treatment for the adhd. He is on Concerta and it has made a HUGE diffrence. He now has time to think before just lashing out at us. He can tolerate being in noisy situations for short periods. He now is a boyscout leader and is able to deal with a pack of boyscouts can throw at him! He is more compassionate. He helps out around the house and remembers things.Not everything is perfect. But he wouldn't be human then. I can now go out and do things on my own without having to worry if the kids will be punished. They now have a relationship with their dad.

We still have bad days but they are few and far between and he is trying to make up for lost time. We are still working on things but I have found the love that I thought was completely gone. It isn't just about forgetting and NEVER does his diagnoses get to be an excuse for things. He knows he has to work at it and he admits when he messes up. I can now sit and watch a movie with the hubby. He can focus on our conversations. I won't trade that for anything.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
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So ... pills don't work? Really? They're an excuse for 'lazy' people?

Wonder how that philosophy would work for people with asthma, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart conditions, or cancer.

I don't even need to meet your husband, and I can tell you he is classic ADHD, based on your description of his work incident.

Was diagnosed in 95 as an adult after barely finishing high school, despite being very bright, and could never get through more than one semester of college. Was told that I was lazy and didn't apply myself. Got A's in subjects where the learning made sense to me. Got F's in the subjects that it didn't.

Although being somewhat impulsive, I never had the addiction piece that often goes hand in hand with the diagnosis.

I took the drugs as an adult. The difference was night and day. Can't possibly expect that to make sense to anyone that hasn't experienced the 'fog' of ADD.

Your husband should try the meds if they are prescribed. But he should be very open about whether or not they are actually helping his condition.

I no longer take the meds ... because lo and behold over the long term at high doses, they can cause prostate problems, and can affect libido. Both of which I contracted.

So, the meds do help the condition under the correct circumstances. Your husband should take as low a dose as possible that will still remediate his symptoms.

And for the record ... the condition is real, and I have never, ever, used it as an excuse for some personal shortcoming or failing.

I have had to drastically change how I perform my job as a result of no longer taking the meds. I would estimate that I am between 30% to 60% LESS productive and effective, off meds, than on.

And people close to me could always tell ...
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:32 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Ok So I am in the minority on this issue, but I am going to tell you what I have experienced.

For twenty one years I have dealt with the hubby and adhd. I found as a couple, it didn't really intefere with things because we were young and really had no responsibility. When our first child was born, that was when things really started getting clearer. We went to a therapist fourteen years ago and he looked at hubby and said you have adhd. Hubby stormed out and we never went back. For twelve years I have dealt with his adhd issues on my own. Some of the things he did. Lets see.. He blurted out things before he thought about them and it got to the point people would not go out with us,it lead to many hurt feelings for me and whatever couple was with us. He couldn't tolerate his newborn screaming at the top of his lungs,he couldn't focus when we had countless conversations, he forgot things, acted impulsively, Can't sit for any length of time,had no remorse for anything he did. The only time he could focus, was when it required something mechanical to be fixed,something he was extremely good at.

What did this do.... Brought us from happy well adjusted couple to the couple you never wanted to be. I held resentment towards him for not being able to carry out simple tasks at home with the kids, couldn't be involved in any situation where it was extremely noisy,so no bday parties. Got worse when the second child came by surprise and I was handling the house, the kids, the bills, laundry, and groceries and all the cooking. This was not just an adjustment to the kids, it was beyond that. Two years ago, I asked for a divorce. It nearly killed him. After all the arguing, he didn't understand what he did wrong. He couldn't control his temper and said or should I say blurted out really mean things to the kids and me.

Two years ago, he seeked treatment for the adhd. He is on Concerta and it has made a HUGE diffrence. He now has time to think before just lashing out at us. He can tolerate being in noisy situations for short periods. He now is a boyscout leader and is able to deal with a pack of boyscouts can throw at him! He is more compassionate. He helps out around the house and remembers things.Not everything is perfect. But he wouldn't be human then. I can now go out and do things on my own without having to worry if the kids will be punished. They now have a relationship with their dad.

We still have bad days but they are few and far between and he is trying to make up for lost time. We are still working on things but I have found the love that I thought was completely gone. It isn't just about forgetting and NEVER does his diagnoses get to be an excuse for things. He knows he has to work at it and he admits when he messes up. I can now sit and watch a movie with the hubby. He can focus on our conversations. I won't trade that for anything.
Thanks for your reply! I understand what you mean about it not interfering until you had children. Our situation is a bit different in that he had 2 young boys when we met and I had 2 older children that were not living with me. It was fine because the older of his boys lived with him only 50% and then the youngest who was 2 lived with him full time. Things changed when we had our own child and I developed a lot of resentment. This was interpreted by him as not loving him or caring about him and I spent the first 6 months after having our child avoiding sex with him. Well, not so much avoiding but just not caring because I was too busy being angry and resentful. He ended up cheating and I found out a year later. Then I found out I was pregnant a week later! That baby is now 2 months old. (Yep, that makes 6 between us!)

That was probably more info than you needed but the point was that things were ok until we brought a child into the mix. He doesn't seem to exhibit the hyperactive part of this so I'm guessing he's simply ADD. Anyhow, I took care of all the baby's needs and he played video games, drank beer and played with his friends. He sure can sit down and pay attention to those games, let me tell you. That and anything mechanical, especially with regard to computers. He is also prone to careless mishaps (this effects his work) which is likely due to him daydreaming or getting lost in though. He doesn't blurt out things that are mean or hurtful but he interrupts a lot and doesn't listen when being spoken to half the time or more. It has made communicating very difficult between us. Especially after I found out about his cheating. He also has a terrible temper given the right circumstances.

In the end I'd like to see more involvement with the kids on his part. I absolutely need to feel like I'm being heard by him and that isn't happening a lot of the time. I also need to see him be able to communicate his thoughts and feelings more. He has trouble even knowing what he thinks much less articulating it. Perhaps it truly is best that he seek out a Dr. If he really has such a jumble in his head making him behave like this I'm all for a solution that will ensure I can keep our family intact. This last year has been pretty difficult so I hope this can help.
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Old 01-12-2012, 03:54 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult ADD/ADHD

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Although being somewhat impulsive, I never had the addiction piece that often goes hand in hand with the diagnosis.
Yes, forgot that too... My H is the classic addict... Anything and everything.

OP - You mention your H has trouble conveying his thoughts. Again, that happens in our marriage and his everyday life... To the point it does get him in trouble at times.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:13 PM   #21 (permalink)
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So ... pills don't work? Really? They're an excuse for 'lazy' people?

Wonder how that philosophy would work for people with asthma, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart conditions, or cancer.

I don't even need to meet your husband, and I can tell you he is classic ADHD, based on your description of his work incident.

Was diagnosed in 95 as an adult after barely finishing high school, despite being very bright, and could never get through more than one semester of college. Was told that I was lazy and didn't apply myself. Got A's in subjects where the learning made sense to me. Got F's in the subjects that it didn't.

Although being somewhat impulsive, I never had the addiction piece that often goes hand in hand with the diagnosis.

I took the drugs as an adult. The difference was night and day. Can't possibly expect that to make sense to anyone that hasn't experienced the 'fog' of ADD.

Your husband should try the meds if they are prescribed. But he should be very open about whether or not they are actually helping his condition.

I no longer take the meds ... because lo and behold over the long term at high doses, they can cause prostate problems, and can affect libido. Both of which I contracted.

So, the meds do help the condition under the correct circumstances. Your husband should take as low a dose as possible that will still remediate his symptoms.

And for the record ... the condition is real, and I have never, ever, used it as an excuse for some personal shortcoming or failing.

I have had to drastically change how I perform my job as a result of no longer taking the meds. I would estimate that I am between 30% to 60% LESS productive and effective, off meds, than on.

And people close to me could always tell ...
I don't know whether it (ADD) exists or not. I do know that there are an awful lot of kids being put on drugs because their parents feel their behaviour is not normal or they're too hyper etc. It seems to be the blanket diagnosis these days. I would like to hope that it is a legitimate diagnosis for some because otherwise the medical field would be a total joke when it comes to this sort of situation.

Either way, I posed my question because I wanted to hear from people that have been diagnosed, are married to someone who is being treated or otherwise have an educated opinion because I don't know enough about it myself. No need to be defensive about whether it's a real problem or not or whether it can be treated with meds. Clearly there are several people on here that seem to feel it is and that's enough for me.

My concern is really whether anyone feels that medicating helped both the person afflicted and whether it helped their relationship as a result. As I've mentioned, I'm not big on medicating when there are alternate methods to deal with certain ailments. As much as I'd like for my partner to feel more clarity and the ability to concentrate etc. I don't want him to do it at the expense of his health or turning him into a mindless veggie due to a poor diagnosis or as the result of bad side effects. From what I briefly read these drugs all seem to be habit forming on some level as well.

In any event, I will pass along your comments to him and try and help to ensure that he's getting no more than what he NEEDS in terms of dosage. I'm sure he'd be quite upset by either of the side effects you experienced. I'm sure it was difficult for you to have been forced to choose between the benefits vs the side effects.

For the record, I meant no disrespect when I mentioned the whole lazy theory. That was more about my partner than a general comment. He's not exactly the most driven person and it's completely self admitted on his part.

Last edited by Efferus; 01-12-2012 at 05:05 PM.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:21 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Yes, forgot that too... My H is the classic addict... Anything and everything.

OP - You mention your H has trouble conveying his thoughts. Again, that happens in our marriage and his everyday life... To the point it does get him in trouble at times.
Yep, his lack of communication was what set the stage for him to cheat on me. He was never able to make it clear that things were so dire in his mind and he was never able to understand how resentful I was of a lot of things going on at the time. Double edged sword, that one.

It really makes disagreements difficult as he can never clarify things that I don't understand either. If he has ADD then I have great hopes in fixing a lot of this stuff up with proper treatment, or at the very least making it somewhat more manageable.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:31 PM   #23 (permalink)
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More manageable and lots of understanding has been the key in our marriage Good luck to y'all and I hope you both can find a suitable resolution. I really do think it's a real thing, now whether it's something that the ADHD person is born with or results from the raising of them, either way, I think it causes extreme difficulties for their life and those around them. Cheers!
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:32 PM   #24 (permalink)
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I never said pills don't work. They do, very well. They were a godsend for me when I had a 4 year old literally climbing the walls and I was a single mom. If not for Ritalin I very well could be in the looney bin or jail today.

However, I do think pills are far too much of a crutch. People use them, they work, and they think "Problem solved!!" and that's it. Unfortunately, the side effects for SOME PEOPLE are too severe to stay on them long term. I have a nephew who's been on one stimulant or another for about a decade, and he is far smaller than his friends - that alone is enough to make most teenage boys hate themselves. Would he have been small anyway? Maybe, but his brother and sister aren't. Anecdotal I know, but it does make you wonder.

And my own son finally told me that he didn't like the way he felt on pills. He felt like he was in a fog all the time - like a robot was how he put it I think. We fiddled with his dosage and tried other meds for a couple years, but it didn't make a difference. He didn't like himself on meds. So we sought out another treatment. Which turned out to be long term and effective for him.

So if pills work for you, that is great and you're lucky. Because they aren't, and shouldn't be, the answer for everyone.
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Old 01-12-2012, 04:56 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Adult ADD/ADHD

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Originally Posted by Deejo View Post
So ... pills don't work? Really? They're an excuse for 'lazy' people?

Wonder how that philosophy would work for people with asthma, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart conditions, or cancer.

I don't even need to meet your husband, and I can tell you he is classic ADHD, based on your description of his work incident.

Was diagnosed in 95 as an adult after barely finishing high school, despite being very bright, and could never get through more than one semester of college. Was told that I was lazy and didn't apply myself. Got A's in subjects where the learning made sense to me. Got F's in the subjects that it didn't.

Although being somewhat impulsive, I never had the addiction piece that often goes hand in hand with the diagnosis.

I took the drugs as an adult. The difference was night and day. Can't possibly expect that to make sense to anyone that hasn't experienced the 'fog' of ADD.

Your husband should try the meds if they are prescribed. But he should be very open about whether or not they are actually helping his condition.

I no longer take the meds ... because lo and behold over the long term at high doses, they can cause prostate problems, and can affect libido. Both of which I contracted.

So, the meds do help the condition under the correct circumstances. Your husband should take as low a dose as possible that will still remediate his symptoms.

And for the record ... the condition is real, and I have never, ever, used it as an excuse for some personal shortcoming or failing.

I have had to drastically change how I perform my job as a result of no longer taking the meds. I would estimate that I am between 30% to 60% LESS productive and effective, off meds, than on.

And people close to me could always tell ...
Amen! You said very well what I was too angry to say!
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Old 01-12-2012, 05:51 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Don't tell anyone I told you this but that does not sound like ADHD. That's a common tactic us guys use to get over on the wife when we want a new toy.

The idea is to wear her down with all the pathetic whining until she finally folds and says the magic words in a tone that sounds like a deflating balloon. "oh just go out and get it."

YES... WIN
Yes, under normal circumstances I would know that my H was doing that, but the financial dilemma is so severe right now that we are getting sweet love letters from wells fargo home mortgage, so I don't think he would push that if he could control himself he loves our home and everything in it .
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Old 01-13-2012, 08:42 AM   #27 (permalink)
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LOL, if it were simply the inability to tolerate boredom and fools I'd be on a bunch of pills myself.

Do you find the side effects, if any, manageable?
It's a juggling act. The biggest problem is making sure to eat regularly since it's an appetite suppressant. I also take lithium which wreaks havoc on fluids and electrolytes. And SNRIs which give me sugar cravings.
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Old 01-13-2012, 08:57 AM   #28 (permalink)
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It's a juggling act. The biggest problem is making sure to eat regularly since it's an appetite suppressant. I also take lithium which wreaks havoc on fluids and electrolytes. And SNRIs which give me sugar cravings.
Lions, tigers, and bears, OH MY! Ok, so lots to keep track of, got it!
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:10 PM   #29 (permalink)
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Yes, I think the hubby had an issue with smaller kids because they are antsy, can't sit still and demand your undivided attention. Something that is very difficult with ADD/ADHD people. Now the kids are older and he copes well with them but I really resented the fact he made me feel like the kids and I were on one island and he on another. It made me feel like he did not unconditionally love our kids,something I do probably to far,but I felt I had to because of the absent parent within the home. I felt like it was us against him and I resented the fact he put me there. I resented the fact all of his actions seemed selfish to me. I have now learned that it had more to do with his coping mechanisms.

We also try essential oils as we were not keen on the meds but decided to try them for three months to see if they helped and they did so we stuck with them. The essential oils help relax him a bit and makes my house smell awesome.

By the way, most ADHD people are addicted to certain things very easily. My hubby is a computer junkie and anything mechanical is his thing. We now have a limit on how long he can play on these things per night and the rest is family time. I typically let him do it first thing when he gets home so we have the rest of the time for us. I have found putting a list of things on his phone also helps. Like texting. Tonight we need to complete a,b,c and we will finish d. Never make a long list as it loses their attention just as fast as you were sitting there talking to him. I try to limit it to three. I hope this helps. I know it can be extremely difficult but on the other hand I am the only lady on the block that can bring in something that needs to be put together and the hubby does it pronto! LOL!
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Old 01-13-2012, 03:22 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I know it can be extremely difficult but on the other hand I am the only lady on the block that can bring in something that needs to be put together and the hubby does it pronto! LOL!
This is a major plus with my H! He can do anything and everything if he wants to! He can build anything, he knows plumbing, electrical, carpentry, gutters, installing things, running wires, building things, the list is endless... So there are definitely some good (great) with the bad
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