General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I was curious if there were any husbands or wives on here dealing with a partner who suffers from ADD or ADHD and how it affects their relationship/marriage.
Has anyone dealt with the diagnosis of their partner? Has drug therapy helped? What sort of relationship problems did you face and were any of them solved or lessened by seeking treatment?
Just curious as my partner believes that he suffers from ADD and has asked that I support him while he pursues a diagnosis and possible treatment.
I am one who does not believe in ADD/ADHD. Like one of my friends said when all 4 of her children were diagnosed and the doctor wanted her to give them drugs. She refused and said "those drugs won't cure anything more than a slap to the head won't cure". lol
However, if he wants to seek treatment, have him do it now! That way he can't do something stupid and blame it on ADD.
I have one son who is now 20 who has ADHD. I have another son, 22, who was diagnosed with ADD but I do not agree he has it. And I have an ex husband who definitely has it but remains undiagnosed at age 48 and has self medicated with drugs and alcohol all his life.
ADHD/ADD definitely do exist, but like other 'diagnosis of the month' I think they have been way overdiagnosed. And I do not believe medication is always the answer - many doctors are far too quick to prescribe Ritalin or Concerta or whatever stimulant they're prescribing these days. My 20 year did behaviour modification therapy and neurofeedback training and was off ritalin at the age of 8 and is a successful adult today.
My H was diagnosed as a child with ADD. He was on medication as a child as well, he refuses to take meds as an adult now and he also refuses any diagnosis and treatment. Now the fun part, it has been a nightmare at times dealing with him. He seems to ALWAYS be having to do something. His attention shifts drastically, his energy is incredibly high, etc. I have learned to cope with it as best I can. We have so much going on at our home and it seems he always wants something more to do. I'm exhausted quite frankly.
I am not an advocate of meds personally, so I see where he is getting with that. He has learned to manage some of his behaviors, but the constant need to be doing something is draining. His focus on some things to the point of obsession is draining. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. For example, we need a larger aquarium, we can't afford it but that does not stop him from constantly looking for one and mentioning the need for one. I don't know how many times I can tell him to drop it, we can't get one, etc... he says he knows all that, but then 10 minutes later he is on craigslist searching for one. Ugh. That's just a small example. His temper is crazy at times....
Okay, so his solution is to self medicate (pot). He calms down to a normal level. Is this our long term solution? Not sure, I suppose if they legalize it, yes. Is it a cop out solution? I use to think so, but I see the difference it makes.
I don't know if this helps, but just my experience with ADHD in my H.
I am one who does not believe in ADD/ADHD. Like one of my friends said when all 4 of her children were diagnosed and the doctor wanted her to give them drugs. She refused and said "those drugs won't cure anything more than a slap to the head won't cure". lol
I'm of the same mind as you on this. Although it's entirely possible that it's a legitimate ailment for some I also believe that probably only 1% of the population being treated for it actually has it if it even exists.
I think perhaps my partner is looking for some excuse as to why he can't listen to me when I speak or can't remember things that he should or has trouble with focusing on things he finds boring and so on. Maybe he actually has it but I think there are plenty of other explanations for his various behaviours.
My H was diagnosed as a child with ADD. He was on medication as a child as well, he refuses to take meds as an adult now and he also refuses any diagnosis and treatment. Now the fun part, it has been a nightmare at times dealing with him. He seems to ALWAYS be having to do something. His attention shifts drastically, his energy is incredibly high, etc. I have learned to cope with it as best I can. We have so much going on at our home and it seems he always wants something more to do. I'm exhausted quite frankly.
I am not an advocate of meds personally, so I see where he is getting with that. He has learned to manage some of his behaviors, but the constant need to be doing something is draining. His focus on some things to the point of obsession is draining. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. For example, we need a larger aquarium, we can't afford it but that does not stop him from constantly looking for one and mentioning the need for one. I don't know how many times I can tell him to drop it, we can't get one, etc... he says he knows all that, but then 10 minutes later he is on craigslist searching for one. Ugh. That's just a small example. His temper is crazy at times....
Okay, so his solution is to self medicate (pot). He calms down to a normal level. Is this our long term solution? Not sure, I suppose if they legalize it, yes. Is it a cop out solution? I use to think so, but I see the difference it makes.
I don't know if this helps, but just my experience with ADHD in my H.
Your H sounds a lot like my partner. Replace Aquarium with 3D TV and they are the same in that regard. Drives me crazy! I can't count the amount of times I've said "We don't NEED a god damned 3D TV!!!!" in the last few months. We certainly can't afford it either but it doesn't stop him from sending me links to TVs from Futureshop and Bestbuy endlessly.
My partner doesn't have the hyperactivity portion at all though he drinks beer nightly if it's in the house and smokes pot if it's around (though I loath drugs so I don't go for him wasting our money on it). His attention shifts wildly also and I am ever asking if he actually heard what I said. He frequently says "I didn't know you were talking to me" though he's the only one in the room or the subject matter most definitely was not directed at the baby or 2 yr old. He even forgets things he said only seconds after saying it.
He doesn't often lose his temper but when he does it's not pleasant. I don't generally provoke him to that point so I don't see it that often but I know it exists and it's not nice for sure.
Anyhow, in my experience with my partner drinking or pot most definitely do not make any of this stuff better and I do not see any marked difference besides the regular stuff that one would expect from a person drinking or smoking some pot. Then again perhaps you see the difference because you H displays the hyperactivity and this subdues it.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I was just looking to see if the diagnosis makes sense and whether medicating would help with any of the symptoms. I guess we'll find out if he pursues it with the Dr. I just don't want some quack diagnosis and then all of a sudden he has an excuse for all the crap behaviour he has. Who the hell wants to be told that their partner just can't listen or pay attention to you because they're suffering from ADD? You know?
Your H sounds a lot like my partner. Replace Aquarium with 3D TV and they are the same in that regard. Drives me crazy! I can't count the amount of times I've said "We don't NEED a god damned 3D TV!!!!" in the last few months. We certainly can't afford it either but it doesn't stop him from sending me links to TVs from Futureshop and Bestbuy endlessly.
My partner doesn't have the hyperactivity portion at all though he drinks beer nightly if it's in the house and smokes pot if it's around (though I loath drugs so I don't go for him wasting our money on it). His attention shifts wildly also and I am ever asking if he actually heard what I said. He frequently says "I didn't know you were talking to me" though he's the only one in the room or the subject matter most definitely was not directed at the baby or 2 yr old. He even forgets things he said only seconds after saying it.
He doesn't often lose his temper but when he does it's not pleasant. I don't generally provoke him to that point so I don't see it that often but I know it exists and it's not nice for sure.
Anyhow, in my experience with my partner drinking or pot most definitely do not make any of this stuff better and I do not see any marked difference besides the regular stuff that one would expect from a person drinking or smoking some pot. Then again perhaps you see the difference because you H displays the hyperactivity and this subdues it.
Thanks for the reply. I guess I was just looking to see if the diagnosis makes sense and whether medicating would help with any of the symptoms. I guess we'll find out if he pursues it with the Dr. I just don't want some quack diagnosis and then all of a sudden he has an excuse for all the crap behaviour he has. Who the hell wants to be told that their partner just can't listen or pay attention to you because they're suffering from ADD? You know?
Yes, the forgetfulness Or I could be in mid-sentence with something and he'll change the subject... UGGGGGGHHHHH... I say "did you even hear me talking?" or "Can I finish what I was saying before we change subjects?"... He sincerely tries to work on it though. My H doesn't want a proper diagnosis as an adult, or medical treatment for it... He was on Ritalin as a child, until he was 14, and it stunted his growth, made him lethargic, made him not care, etc... I don't blame him and like another poster mentioned I do think they over medicate people nowadays to the point where it's much easier to pop a pill then ask the person to try and manage through counseling, or other behavioral treatment.
And yes, I do see a marked difference in my husband after he smokes... I've always despised pot or any illegal drug, but after seeing the improvements in him and reading up on the medical benefits, I have had a change of heart on the subject. But I will not advocate it to others... It's something that works for him so I'm okay with it.
As for a diagnosis for your H, it's likely going to be a combination of drugs and therapy. I don't think it should be a green light for the continued behavior that he currently has though, and hopefully you can be with him during the visits so you know what you can do to help.
As for constantly wanting things, I have tried to ignore it the best I can. For my H, it's generally a passing "want" if you will. He gets fixated on something, I try to ignore it or repeatedly let him know we STILL can't afford it Usually the obsession subsides within a week as long as I don't entertain what it is he's obsessed with that week. I have made the mistake of succumbing to his obsessions (i.e. bought a 120 gallon tank because he wouldn't stop buying fish for the 55 gallon that we had)... That incident I suspect has only fueled this new obsession that we need a 220 now But I'm standing my ground on this one!
I take a low dosage amphetamine in addition to other psychotropic drugs and such. The older I get the less absolute focus I am able to apply. Meds help to some extent. I can't tell though if it's ADD or an inability to tolerate boredom and fools.
My wife has ADHD...it definitely has affected our relationship.
She needs to continually be doing something, and she will add more things on top of more things until it is completely overwhelming to me. We'll agree to a date night of watching a movie on TV, and by the time we are half way through, she'll be reorganizing the kids' toy box, folding clothes, checking her iPhone constantly and one time recently she even felt the need to vacuum. Three quarters of the way through, she'll tell me that she's sorry, but she can't watch any more - she can't sit still any longer. Took me a long time to understand she is not doing this to detract from my personal enjoyment of the date night but rather it's just the way her mind works.
The biggest problem with an ADHD spouse is that you as the spouse's partner are the only one that sees the symptoms at their full affect. Other people usually see the spouse when she is in her hyperfocused state, so they end up thinking she is the most perfect person you'd ever meet - the same way you felt when you were the hyperfocus when you started dating.
Any treatment plan that includes using ADHD as an excuse is worthless. They need to learn methods of improving their focus and dealing with it effectively. Meds do this, but often the side effects outweigh the benefits.
There are a plethora of mechanisms available to people that they can learn and use in everyday life which don't include meds OR excuses.
Any treatment plan that includes using ADHD as an excuse is worthless. They need to learn methods of improving their focus and dealing with it effectively. Meds do this, but often the side effects outweigh the benefits.
There are a plethora of mechanisms available to people that they can learn and use in everyday life which don't include meds OR excuses.
We've had an ongoing text message dialog on this for the last hour. I've told him that he has trouble remembering things so why not use that fancy iPhone that is always within inches of his reach to it's fullest potential. I think so much of it is laziness. I can't be bothered to input these things I should remember into my phone so maybe a pill will help.
Some people don't like to do the hard work required to fix things so they jump on the drug bandwagon instead because it's easier. My partner isn't a fan of hard work in general so I'm not surprised when he tells me that he thinks I'm not hearing him or understanding at all. I understand fully I just don't advocate the use of drugs and I question the validity of an ADD or ADHD diagnosis.
He has learned to manage some of his behaviors, but the constant need to be doing something is draining. His focus on some things to the point of obsession is draining. He wants what he wants and he wants it now. For example, we need a larger aquarium, we can't afford it but that does not stop him from constantly looking for one and mentioning the need for one. I don't know how many times I can tell him to drop it, we can't get one, etc... he says he knows all that, but then 10 minutes later he is on craigslist searching for one. Ugh.
Don't tell anyone I told you this but that does not sound like ADHD. That's a common tactic us guys use to get over on the wife when we want a new toy.
The idea is to wear her down with all the pathetic whining until she finally folds and says the magic words in a tone that sounds like a deflating balloon. "oh just go out and get it."
The biggest problem with an ADHD spouse is that you as the spouse's partner are the only one that sees the symptoms at their full affect. Other people usually see the spouse when she is in her hyperfocused state, so they end up thinking she is the most perfect person you'd ever meet - the same way you felt when you were the hyperfocus when you started dating.
YEPPPPPP... Many people comment that they'd love to have my H's energy, blah blah blah. He also is too quick with his work... Often times they have to ask him to slow down or they double check his work because is unbelievable, he does what it takes 4 guys to do in the same time frame on a regular basis, they can't keep up the pay scale when he's on a job.
I don't know if ADHD is a real problem or if the odd behavior is caused by something else. But I do know our nephew on his side exhibits a lot of the same symptoms my H did as a child.... He is also being raised by my H's mom... Go figure. He talks non-stop and MIL will elude that he didn't take his meds... I question that... it seems he just wants attention and she doesn't give it to him. She even suggested my 3 year old son is "probably" ADD too, so we might want to get him on meds... Holy ****, are you serious woman??? Handing out the meds like candy around there.
Yes, the forgetfulness Or I could be in mid-sentence with something and he'll change the subject... UGGGGGGHHHHH... I say "did you even hear me talking?" or "Can I finish what I was saying before we change subjects?"... He sincerely tries to work on it though. My H doesn't want a proper diagnosis as an adult, or medical treatment for it... He was on Ritalin as a child, until he was 14, and it stunted his growth, made him lethargic, made him not care, etc... I don't blame him and like another poster mentioned I do think they over medicate people nowadays to the point where it's much easier to pop a pill then ask the person to try and manage through counseling, or other behavioral treatment.
And yes, I do see a marked difference in my husband after he smokes... I've always despised pot or any illegal drug, but after seeing the improvements in him and reading up on the medical benefits, I have had a change of heart on the subject. But I will not advocate it to others... It's something that works for him so I'm okay with it.
As for a diagnosis for your H, it's likely going to be a combination of drugs and therapy. I don't think it should be a green light for the continued behavior that he currently has though, and hopefully you can be with him during the visits so you know what you can do to help.
As for constantly wanting things, I have tried to ignore it the best I can. For my H, it's generally a passing "want" if you will. He gets fixated on something, I try to ignore it or repeatedly let him know we STILL can't afford it Usually the obsession subsides within a week as long as I don't entertain what it is he's obsessed with that week. I have made the mistake of succumbing to his obsessions (i.e. bought a 120 gallon tank because he wouldn't stop buying fish for the 55 gallon that we had)... That incident I suspect has only fueled this new obsession that we need a 220 now But I'm standing my ground on this one!
Good luck to you
Yes, the good old cut off in mid sentence. I get that A LOT. It's incredibly frustrating and irritating. Makes you feel like they could care less about what you have to say.
He says he was hyperactive as a child but was never taken to a Dr. about it so he has no experience with the treatment options.
He recently had an incident at work (he's a mechanic) where he forgot to pump up the brakes in the car he just did a break job on and he put it in reverse, gave it gas and hit another vehicle in the shop and almost knocked it off the hoist. There was a significant amount of damage. He says now that he was daydreaming as he usually does and he wants to look into an ADD diagnosis (after taking an online quiz) with a dr. Granted he does have a lot of other "symptoms" but who knows how much of it is legit and how much is simply he is absent minded, doesn't care etc.
Essentially he says his mind is chaotic; full of noise and he can't concentrate. He jumps from subject to subject constantly, interrupts, doesn't listen, forgets a lot, can't read things that he doesn't find interesting without falling asleep etc. Our relationship suffers because of our poor communication too. He even goes on to say that he chose being a mechanic because it was easy, not because he was lazy but because he couldn't sit through the telecom/computer course he was taking and the lectures no matter how hard he tried.
Anyhow, thanks. I guess we'll see what a Dr. says.
I have one son who is now 20 who has ADHD. I have another son, 22, who was diagnosed with ADD but I do not agree he has it. And I have an ex husband who definitely has it but remains undiagnosed at age 48 and has self medicated with drugs and alcohol all his life.
ADHD/ADD definitely do exist, but like other 'diagnosis of the month' I think they have been way overdiagnosed. And I do not believe medication is always the answer - many doctors are far too quick to prescribe Ritalin or Concerta or whatever stimulant they're prescribing these days. My 20 year did behaviour modification therapy and neurofeedback training and was off ritalin at the age of 8 and is a successful adult today.
Glad to hear that there are some valid and successful alternate methods for treating this. I'm so anti-drug because it seems that is all anyone wants to do these days. Your marriage sucks, here's a pill. You feel sad, here's a pill. You have anxiety, here's a pill. And on it goes!
Adult ADD/ADHD 
Or I could be in mid-sentence with something and he'll change the subject... UGGGGGGHHHHH... I say "did you even hear me talking?" or "Can I finish what I was saying before we change subjects?"... He sincerely tries to work on it though. My H doesn't want a proper diagnosis as an adult, or medical treatment for it... He was on Ritalin as a child, until he was 14, and it stunted his growth, made him lethargic, made him not care, etc... I don't blame him and like another poster mentioned I do think they over medicate people nowadays to the point where it's much easier to pop a pill then ask the person to try and manage through counseling, or other behavioral treatment. 
