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Manners (or the lack thereof)

2K views 12 replies 12 participants last post by  peacem 
#1 ·
Firstly, I want to say this: I love my wife. I really do. She's an amazing person, and I don't want to imagine my life without her. However, there are times, like in any marriage, when she drives me crazy.

We periodically get into the same argument over and over again about manners, and despite what you may think, I think I'm in the role of the stereotypical girl. It feels like I'm continuously asking my wife to do (what I believe to be) simple things which I consider to be basic manners. Things such as not snorting loudly (and I mean loudly), using a knife to cut her food, chewing with her mouth closed, and using a plate when eating. I first started asking her to do these things earlier in our marriage. She would get annoyed, but I would end it by asking her to please work on her manners so that by the time we had children we could set a good example for them. She would say okay, and that would be the end of that argument for the time being.

Now we've been married for 5 years, and we have a 2.5 year old son. I'm still asking her to watch her manners ("[name], please chew with your mouth closed." "Can you please use a plate while eating on the couch so that we the crumbs won't get on the furniture?" "Can you please blow your nose so that you don't have to snort so loudly?" and so on...). She then gets upset with me and storms off saying something to the effect of "I'm not going to sit here and be lectured by you." or "then why did you marry me?" (I didn't marry her for her manners - I married her for everything else I love about her!)

I totally understand (at least partially) why she gets upset. No one wants to be nagged, but I don't know what else to do. I really don't try to lecture her as much as I try to remind her - and I make a point to not to make my request sound sarcastic or lordly or anything like that (at least I hope it doesn't come across that way). I've even tried just getting a plate, kleenex, etc. for her and placing it next to her. When I do she just looks at me angrily and, more often than not, refuses to use it.

I'm not so much at my wits end as much as I'm just open to any input that y'all may have regarding the situation.

Thanks in advance.
 
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#2 ·
Well you married her.....

Are there other issues in your marriage that you feel need to be worked on?

I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them. Then ask her to read them with you and do the work that they say to do.

What she's doing, her mannerisms are what are called love busters. Do these things that she does embarrass you when she's in public? Every time she does one of those love busters, it decreases your love for her.

More marriages die from 10,000 love busters and not one big huge, catastrophic event. It's like slowly dying from a million paper cuts. One's not a big deal, when it happens over and over it is.
 
#5 ·
We have been married almost 20 years and he still does things that annoy me.. BUT now the kids are reminding him to chew with his mouth closed (they can't stand to eat with him), to cough or sneeze in his arm instead of everywhere and when he uses his fingers to push the food on his fork. Happy that I raised my kids with manners-- just wish spouse would pick up on it. Now sure spouse cares or it could be his anxiety..not sure
 
#6 ·
People are raised different to others. Some parents are strict about manners and others are not. If your wife was raised like that, then it will be very difficult to change her habits.

The way you talk to her though is a little bit disrespectful and comes across as bad.

Maybe if you try letting go a bit, it's in your own home, the only person that is offended is you. We should be allowed to be ourselves in our home.
Think about how you would feel if someone attacked the way you are in your home while you were relaxing.

What's a few crumbs on the furniture, I would just vacuum later. Learn to not let things get to you.

Change your tone of voice when speaking to her, you're annoyed when you point out her flaws, wait till you have calmed down and make suggestions, not demands to her.

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk
 
#7 ·
Omg... I cannot STAND people who eat with their mouths open and sit there sniffing continuously. Blow your damn nose ffs! I find myself reminding my husband to eat with his mouth closed..."honey mouth closed". Now our daughter tells him too lol.

When you need to blow your nose, you excuse yourself, go take care of it, wash your hands and return to the table. You don't sit there and sniff, yuck. And not covering your mouth when coughing/sneezing is just...ugh...gross.

No advice OP but I feel your pain.
 
#8 ·
Just out of pure curiosity, were her manners better when you two were dating? If not, did you imagine she would "grow up" to have better manners, or that you could change her? If they were better during the dating phase, why have they changed? If they bothered you less in the dating phase, why has that changed?

Poor manners are a deal breaker for me. Everyone does something boneheaded from time to time. Everyone has a lapse of manners now and then. But consistently poor - or really gross - manners, or manners that embarrass me in public, are a real issue for me. To the point that I don't date people who are unmannerly, because I don't want to deal with that day-to-day from a partner. I guess I just don't get marrying someone whose manners disgust me.

Oh, and OP, just as her poor manners are a Lovebuster for you, your nagging her about them is a Lovebuster for her. Correcting her behavior, as if you were a parent and she an errant child, is building resentment just as surely as her poor manners are. Love is dwindling and sexual attraction is waning - for both of you. You really might want to get the two books recommended to you upthread and work through them, with your wife if possible. Your marital dynamic, as it is now, is unhealthy and likely unsustainable, and you both need to be willing to work on improving it.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for all of the input. Thankfully she rarely does the things I mentioned in my previous post in public, so that's not really a concern. And our arguments regarding her manners don't last long and always result in one of us apologizing to the other (so I could see how this could be a "love buster," but I don't think it really applies to us - we're firm believers of the "don't go to bed angry at each other" philosophy). I'll definitely check out those books and work on the way I bring up the topic with her.

Thanks again for all of the advice.
 
#11 ·
The things you mention would bother me, too, OP. I honestly do not think I could be with someone who chewed with their mouth open or did not cover their mouth when they sneeze or cough.

My goodness, those are the most basic manners we should be able to expect from anyone. Please do not think you are being demanding or controlling for expecting such basic courtesy.

Here is my pet peeve: people who do not cover their mouths when they yawn. Why would anyone want to see the inside of someone's mouth, besides dental professionals?

Those people and I definitely did not grow up with the same mother, lol.
 
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#12 ·
Does she work? Does she have friends? I guess mixing with other people would soon put her on notice that her manners are not up to par. It would be better if she had peer pressure rather than hubby pressure. Remember, nagging is a death knell to a marriage and can be very belittling. Surely you have bigger issues to worry about?
 
#13 ·
I think we really, really need to resist temptation to slip into parenting mode with our spouses - as tempting as it may be a times.

Bad habits are hard to break, especially when they were developed in childhood, telling someone to stop doing it is futile unless we tell them every single time and as @aine rightly put it, that turns into nagging.

My niece eats with her mouth open and I bring her up on it every time and she still does it - I honestly do not think she is aware she does it.

I cannot see why someone wouldn't eat from a plate? I have never heard of that and its a fairly simple thing to do. You could get a dog - mine was fairly efficient at hoovering up after the kids (just kidding).
 
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