Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

Is my new partner abusive?

1K views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  FeministInPink 
#1 · (Edited)
I am so confused right now, and so sad. So so sad.

My first marriage came when I was still underage. He was abusive to the children (he didn't want more, probably didn't even want the ones we have) and would rape me occasionally. I believe he was mentally ill. When I saw that his behavior not only wouldn't change, but was getting worse, I left.

I said I would never date or fall in love again. But literally two weeks following my divorce, I met my current partner. He had never been married, and wanted a family. He had been engaged once before and she hit him and he left. He's in his late twenties, I'm in my early thirties. He wasn't working, but going to school full time and getting paid to do so, also while taking care of his disabled dad.

We fell in love fast and he moved in and we got engaged a year ago. The kids love him. Like, crazy love him. He has some new parent missteps of course, but is a great dad.

Then about six months ago, he became a different person. I'd had two miscarriages at this point, and was going through the second, and his dad almost died. So we moved into the spare bedroom upstairs with the kids and gave his dad the master bedroom downstairs. His dad's girlfriend came too, against my partner's wishes. He has been taking care of his dad since he was a child.

As soon as we lost baby #2 and dad moved in, my partner quit school, losing his income. He drained his savings, started sleeping about twelve hours a day and gaming the rest of the day. He always gamed before, but he was going to school and contributing more. He started yelling a lot, and getting short even with the kids. At one point he called my daughter a little s**t. She had been behaving badly, but I don't believe that is ever appropriate.

One night, he thought I was lunging toward him in a fight and he grabbed me hard and threw me down. Later that evening, I grabbed his wrist to keep him from leaving and he did it again and choked me. I kicked him, hard. He threw me down again in return.

He'd told me before that he doesn't like being grabbed and doesn't like being touched when he's mad, and that it scares him when people come up behind him. Also, considering his ex being violent with him, I realize I shouldn't have grabbed him. But I wasn't going to hurt him.

Another time recently, he hurt me similarly but I didn't do anything. I threatened to break his computer in response, and he threw my laptop towards me. He says to throw it beside me on the bed, I don't know for sure- but it hit me and left a nasty bruise.

Finally, last week, he took my phone from me. He was angry. He came up to me, grabbed my glasses off of my face and threw them into the neighbor's yard. I came to him later and he was sitting at his computer, and I stupidly tried to take his phone from him. He considered this aggressive, the grabbing for the phone and the way I leveraged myself on his shoulder to reach for it, and he choked me again and threw me to the ground, slamming my head down and putting his knee in my chest. I ended up in the hospital with a concussion.
I'm 4'9 and he's 6'2 and large.

He told me that I am hard to love. Then he took it back. But the truth is, I know I am difficult- I am an only child and became a parent very young and took charge, and haven't dealt much with other adults. I don't have any family, and can be extremely stubborn and probably hard to communicate with. In many ways he has loved me like nobody else has, even my parents, because at my very worst, he is still here.

I told him that his dad needs to move out, because when all was said and done he said the burden of caring for him has been too much for too long, and his dad is not very nice to him, and I think this is the root of everything that started. He doesn't really need our care any more, so I don't feel bad.

We are in debt badly, and I'm about to take on another part time job. He has offered to work a part time job too, but says that he likes the time home with me and the kids and so do I, usually.

He's lied to me about things here and there; he always gets found out or tells me the truth. But it makes it hard to trust him.

We have very differing ideas about sex, I actually have a much higher sex drive but he has some very out there fantasies and experiences he wants for us. I've tried to accommodate but they aren't my cup of tea. Like, he wants me to sleep with other men a lot, and he wants to sleep with men too on occasion. That's just one of them. I still try to do the things he wants. It hurts me when I initiate sex to be turned down by him. I'm in no way vanilla, or a prude, but my fantasies are very different. We do have regular sex though, usually twice a day, and not always with the talk about his particular fantasies, but usually we do talk about those things when we have sex, because he likes it. He sometimes makes an effort to touch me and talk the way I like, but it is usually very him centered. He was single for a long time and played the field, sleeping with over 200 people. So he is very confident and doesn't think he needs to change the way he does things. However, I am the only person he has ever told any of these secrets to (the fantasies, the fact that he has experienced with men, etc). He trusts me and loves me in a way he has never felt about anyone.

We've called it off a few times and always came back to each other within hours. We have a very deep, close connection.

The kids would be devastated if he left, and honestly so would I. When things are good, they are so good and I love him so much. But the few people who know are concerned and have all told me to leave. I don't know what to do. He won't go to counseling. I would also be financially ruined.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Yes he's abusive. He's physically violent. You are going to get seriously hurt by this man. It's only just started and will escalate.

You are working now. And you are thinking of getting another part time job.

And he wants to stay home with YOUR children? Really?

He needs to work and support himself.

You need to get out of his relationship.
 
#3 ·
We have a very deep, close connection.
You may believe that,but with all you've posted it is not a very healthy one. He's definitely abusive and with his father and the girlfriend moving in,he may feel like he's found a place that he can hang his hat and have no worries. I don't know how old your daughter is but calling her a **** isn't something a kid friendly person would say. His mask has slipped down.

I would also be financially ruined.
How would you be ruined if he's not contributing at all?
 
#4 ·
You may believe that,but with all you've posted it is not a very healthy one. He's definitely abusive and with his father and the girlfriend moving in,he may feel like he's found a place that he can hang his hat and have no worries. I don't know how old your daughter is but calling her a **** isn't something a kid friendly person would say. His mask has slipped down.



How would you be ruined if he's not contributing at all?
He is a big spender and I went along with it, there is quite a bit of credit card debt now.
 
#6 ·
Your H is abusive, get the help you need from an organisation that helps families in this situation and get aout. He said his ex was abusive, perhaps that was a lie and he was the abusive one? You should see whether you can find out.
 
#8 ·
You both sound like you have a lot
of issues, OP.

Your mutual dysfunctions may be the glue that is so unhealthily keeping you two together.

Even if he will not go to counseling, you should.

And definitely stand up for your daughter.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Herschel
#13 ·
I agree with the other posters here. Yes, he is abusive, and you need to get out of this relationship ASAP. BUT you are also volatile, and you need to address that as well, because you are modeling unhealthy behavior for your children. You are reacting violently when you don't like something he says or does, and that is dysfunctional and not how healthy adults handle conflict. (You've heard the saying, "violence is never the answer," right?)

First, is the place yours or his? Are you both on the lease? How long until the lease is up? Are the credit cards in both your names? Close the accounts so he can't rack up any more debt. If they are on cards in his name, don't pay them. It's not your responsibility. Make an escape plan and get out as soon as you can.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top