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10K views 95 replies 25 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 · (Edited)
I grew up an only child from a lower middle class family. Father was a Navy Veteran who worked in a warehouse and mother worked in a dress factory, sewing clothes as a seamstress.

I had a 6 year relationship that went south, which started in high school. We were engaged but she left me.

I met someone else some time later, we fell in love, and got married. Married for 20 years. It was rocky at times, but we seemed to work things out. My child started driving independently recently, and my wife's time shifted to concentrate on herself. She wants a separation.

I grew up, as I said, being less than fortunate. I stayed in school and eventually became a physician. I served in the military and moved into the private sector. Boy. The money was definitely better, and I was like a kid in a candy store with a big wallet. Got crazy at times, getting various things along the way. My recent hobby has been guns and reloading.

She wants me to change my ways. Stop being selfish and making myself a priority. She wants me to get rid of my guns. She wants me to change who I am. If I follow her, my career is not ideal at all, in my specialty (I currently have a dream job with high pay and more than a generous vacation). It's definitely in the top 1% of the pay scale. Maybe even higher.

I have no debt aside from a mortgage which just helps reduce my tax burden. My house is well over a million dollars but I owe less than half. I don't have credit card debt. Everything is paid in cash.

I don't know if I can change my ways. I want to and I have been given a chance at not spending like a "drunk sailor", for a lack of better terms. Shooting and guns has become a passion for me.

I love my wife. I love my child. I am in internal turmoil on what to do. My wife and I have drifted apart, mainly from me socializing with my friends and taking people to go shooting with me. I've never cheated on her. I never will. I never had an intention of ending a marriage but that is what she wants.

How do I do a 180 and change myself so drastically? Make myself less selfish for myself. Give up my hobbies. Change my personality?

Do I seek psychiatric or psychological help? Do I seek a counselor?

Any advice?


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#2 ·
If I follow her, my career is not ideal at all, in my specialty (I currently have a dream job with high pay and more than a generous vacation). It's definitely in the top 1% of the pay scale. Maybe even higher.
why is your career not ideal here?
 
#3 ·
In my specialty, because of the very high pay, there is a lot of greed amongst different private practice groups in the area where she wants to move to further her career. There is always a great deal of political turmoil. I'd be coming from a locale that has no real competition to a locale that has several hospital systems competing for the same "business" whereby salaries are a mere fraction of what I make (2/3 to almost half) with much less vacation and longer work hours.


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#9 ·
She makes 1/6th of what I earn. I earn high $400-low $500s. She can become promoted if she were to move but the pay is not what she's after. It's the sense of accomplishment.

I forgot to mention that her family is wealthy. Dad is a self made multimillionaire. Much of her family is extremely successful. Hence my goals of earning to that potential. Many live in the most exclusive neighborhoods of their respective cities/towns.

I met her uncle who guided me towards what specialty I am in. He is why I'm in a lucrative field, myself. But she is not about the money. She says she could care less about it. My daughter has a trust and she is pretty much set for life, set up by her father.

I'm just a working man getting paid.


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#6 ·
First time and I never thought it would come to this...

I have been married for 20 years. My wife wants to separate because of my personal selfishness with my time, my priorities and my spending habits.

My salary runs anywhere from high $400s to low $500s Gs. I have no credit card debt, no student loans, no car payments, except for a mortgage where I have 10 years to go.

My daughter is getting ready to go to college. I'm working since I can pay her tuition in cash and I don't qualify for financial aid.

My priorities have been on myself and my hobbies. It helps me deal with the stresses of work. However, my hobbies have taken a lot of time and money. Not to the point of me not paying the bills, however. I take care of all bills, retirement, college savings plans, etc, before I consider spending on myself. I also donate to local causes, mainly for organizations to help disadvantaged children.

She wants to separate and I'm torn. I don't want to do so because I love her. But I find I cannot change who I am.

We will legally separate and stay in the same house until my kid goes to college. I don't want to separate but I'm intrinsically lost. I don't know what to do. How do I make others a priority over myself? How do I change myself? She says there's no chance of us getting back together. I got all of the chances to change my ways. I need to stop spending so much, get rid of guns.

Do I just move on and get in with my life or radically reengineer myself to make myself back into who my wife fell in love with?

God help me!


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#51 ·
Re: First time and I never thought it would come to this...

I have been married for 20 years. My wife wants to separate because of my personal selfishness with my time, my priorities and my spending habits.

My salary runs anywhere from high $400s to low $500s Gs. I have no credit card debt, no student loans, no car payments, except for a mortgage where I have 10 years to go.

My daughter is getting ready to go to college. I'm working since I can pay her tuition in cash and I don't qualify for financial aid.

My priorities have been on myself and my hobbies. It helps me deal with the stresses of work. However, my hobbies have taken a lot of time and money. Not to the point of me not paying the bills, however. I take care of all bills, retirement, college savings plans, etc, before I consider spending on myself. I also donate to local causes, mainly for organizations to help disadvantaged children.

She wants to separate and I'm torn. I don't want to do so because I love her. But I find I cannot change who I am.

We will legally separate and stay in the same house until my kid goes to college. I don't want to separate but I'm intrinsically lost. I don't know what to do. How do I make others a priority over myself? How do I change myself? She says there's no chance of us getting back together. I got all of the chances to change my ways. I need to stop spending so much, get rid of guns.

Do I just move on and get in with my life or radically reengineer myself to make myself back into who my wife fell in love with?

God help me!


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You are not invested in your own marriage. You are invested in yourself. This is what your W is attempting to tell you. You have spelled it out in two posts. Selfish and you first. ALL WRONG in a marriage.
 
#7 ·
How's the sex and intimacy? Is this a marriage worth saving or are you more concerned about the financial fallout a divorce would cause?

If it's good, get a new hobby. A MD friend of ours got his pilot's license recently. Bought an older Cessna, he and the wife now fly all over half the country on weekend getaways. She's also working on getting her pilot's license. Surely there is something you can both do together and share the journey of life with.

Are you sure she's not cheating on you? Sounds like she might be getting her emotional/physical needs met with someone else..
 
#11 ·
I'm not concerned about financial fallout. I love her. It has always been in my mind to be together forever. I don't want to separate.

She's not cheating on me. She is a workaholic who works from home. We are busy with our lives with our daughter.


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#12 ·
We spend family time together on weekends. I used to go to the grocery store and errands with her, but I stopped for whatever reason. Our daughter has so many activities through the week and I have karate that the weekdays are just tough.

One main thing I know is I got hooked on spending time in social media. Mainly Facebook, either reading news, jokes and other time wasting things such as forums.


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#13 · (Edited)
I'm confused, is your wife giving you a chance to fix things?

If you want to fix you marriage, one of the best resources for this are two book: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below).

You can your wife would need to read them and do the work together to make the needed changes.

Marriage is a compromise. There should be no reason for you to give up all your guns. I can see maybe cutting back some depending on how much you have. But it's your hobby and you should be able to have a hobby and stay married. But this is something that you can work out. The books talk about how to compromise.

Basically you and your wife need to spend about 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the both of you. Beyond that, you should be able to spend your free time any legal way you want to.

What is her objections to your guns? Just that you put so much into them? Or is it something else?

Also, since you can afford it, it would suggest that you go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and get an appointment with Dr. Harley. I think that the man can really help you. He is a marriage coach and is very versed in situations like yours.

For finances, it sounds like while you spend and lot, you also save, invest and are charitable. You do not sound like someone who is just living paycheck to paycheck. So you should be able to spend money on yourself.

Usually the formula is to put 10%-20% per pay period into savings. Pay the bills. Then you can blow whatever is left over. If your wife and you put your money together in a joint account, then each of you would get 50% of the disposable income to so with as you please. You can save it or buy all the guns you want. When I had kids around the house, I split the disposable income more like 33% for me, him and the kids (the kids shared a 33% amount)

There is a good book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" that might be helpful. Don't know.

Does your wife spend anywhere near what you spend on herself?
 
#21 ·
Here's how I how I see it.

You are presently [mostly] happy doing what you are doing.
If you move, you will not be happy at all.

If you stay, she will be unhappy.

If you go, she will still be mostly unhappy.
Going will not not solve anything. It is a marginal return on investment.

Your marital happiness meter never goes above 50 mph, in either situation.
It will never go higher because she will never pedal faster and you have no logical reason to.

Do the separation. She sounds done with you anyway. She does not need you.

You need you...to be happy.
 
#24 ·
I agree with this.

She has had the luxury of living a great life in a great house, working from home. She has not had to deal with the corporate cultures, politics, etc. She probably has no idea what she is walking into with this new job.

You (meaning anyone) does not give up all that to go find out if she can handle the corporate nonsense for a salary that is 1/6th of what you make. She's not making any sense. Sounds like a mid life crisis.

And you can ask anyone here about my point of view. I am a HUGE advocate for women and their careers. I retired last year after a several decade career as an engineer, engineering manager, etc. for a fortune 50 company. So when I say think, just know that's where I'm coming from.
 
#22 ·
You might want to look into how divorce is handled in your state. There is a huge different in how sole property (inheretiance) and martial assets and income are handled.

She could be a billionaire from inheritance and still get 50% of your joint assets and 40% of your income. It all depends on the laws in your state. You really need to talk to an attorney about all this.
 
#26 ·
What is all this talk about money, lets get to the root of the problem, why are you not spending time with her? What would it look like if you did? The money in this case doesn't seem to matter much as both of you will be financially well off. OP you have to decided what it is exactly she wants and if you are capable and willing to do that, then you have to decide if she will let you.
 
#28 ·
I have tried to change my ways and can't. I'm a selfish individual who cares about nothing but himself and his friends. That's my problem. I've tried to help other people to the point, time or financially, that I have neglected my wife in the process.

I sent money to help a poor high school classmate who needed money for bills and her dog. I helped my God sister by sending her over a thousand dollars after her husband offed himself with a compound bow in front of her. I have gotten so wrapped up trying to help others that I neglected my own. I was given numerous chances and failed.




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#33 ·
Plus she wants me to get rid of every one of my guns.
What is her objection to your guns?

If she said that she is divorcing you, when why does she want to you to get rid of your guns?

How many guns (or firearms) do you have?
 
#52 ·
I agree with this. However, your marriage should be your priority, so you really need to modify some of your behavior, rein yourself in, so to speak. While I dont agree she should ask you to give all of this up, I can see that she thinks that is the only way for you to pay attention to her. Moderation is key, here. If you seriously feel like you are this selfish person and will not/cannot make some changes for your marriage, then you should divorce her and let her find someone who WILL make her a priority.
 
#42 ·
You pulled on my C-Major string...the one that is connected to the parasympathetic vagus nerve. My aortic arch is spasm-ing sympathetically.
.....................................................................................
It is not the guns that she wants gone.

It is the memory of them in your hands....and not the memory of her. They represent her competition. She wants to disarm you and take your targeted love away.

Take every gun out off the house, but one....keep one for self-protection. Put them in storage. Tell her you got rid of them.

Do everything that she asks/asked for. Tell her you did this for her. She wanted your attention...all of it. Give her your fair share. Yes, it is likely too late. But do it anyway.

Tell her to move by herself. You will visit her on weekends and through the week as possible. Tell her that you love her. And that you wish the best for her.

Do this warmly and while embracing her. Do not grovel. Having genuine tears in your eyes will go a long way to dissolving her resolve. Tear up...do not break down.

If she is the good women that you think, she will bend....if not, you gave it your last effort.
 
#46 ·
Thanks for your advice from you all.

Well, my wife is away for a week to help her dad with a debilitating neurological disease. I heard a song this evening and texted my wife a screen capture of the title. It was called "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." She was pretty evasive and negative.

I think she's really done with me. I think she despises my mother, too. My mother is a passive person who is another point of frustration for my wife.

Oh well, I have really tried making some efforts even from long distance without any real progress. I called my inlaws to see how my father in law was doing and gave my mother in law some advice about what I thought they should do for his disease. At the end of the conversation, She said she loves me, and I said I love her also. I said to give my love to dad, too.

I don't think her parents know. I'll be heartbroken because I love her family. Her siblings, her cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm losing an entire Family when I lose her.

I have spoken to 3 very close friends who say it's not worth trying to change or sacrifice ,y career to meet her ultimatum. One thinks she may be undergoing early menopause, and another said it might be midlife crisis for her. I'm not one to judge. She's a decisive person and that's what I love about her. She always knows the right things to say and do in a diplomatic fashion...except when she is talking to me.

I was in the denial, anger and bargaining phases. But I realize there is no further compromise. She wants to move forward.

I'm getting someone to do some work on my house to set up for selling the house. It is a tad big for two people (mom and myself, plus two aging dogs).


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#47 · (Edited)
With a wedding plus helping her dad it will be a busy week for her... one text will not change things, it takes time for enough attention drops of rain to water a neglected relationship.

Text is a poor communication when problems are present... let that go.

We all need actions, not words.

It might be wise to stop bargaining, you cannot negotiate with suffering, neither of you.

If you ask her up front "are you done with us" will you accept the words that come?

If you do, then act on her words of truth.
 
#48 ·
I wouldn't just give up quite yet.

I would stop sending the sappy text messages they make you appear weak and unattractive.

Get a copy of the Married Mans Sex Life Primer and run the MAP program.

Hit the gym hard.

Be present for your wife when she wants you to be. DO NOT DOTE ON HER.

If she wants things to work out, it has to be her idea and the only way it becomes her
idea is that your new found attractiveness over powers her resentment.

Let her see that you will still be a strong happy person with or without her.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB, FRIENDS or HOBBIES.
 
#49 ·
I wouldn't just give up quite yet.



I would stop sending the sappy text messages they make you appear weak and unattractive.



Get a copy of the Married Mans Sex Life Primer and run the MAP program.



Hit the gym hard.



Be present for your wife when she wants you to be. DO NOT DOTE ON HER.



If she wants things to work out, it has to be her idea and the only way it becomes her

idea is that your new found attractiveness over powers her resentment.



Let her see that you will still be a strong happy person with or without her.



DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB, FRIENDS or HOBBIES.


Thank you. Those are very meaningful thoughts.

I have lost 35 pounds since I was diagnosed with diabetes. She has been so supportive along the way. Through diet and exercise I have gotten off of medications. If it weren't for her, I couldn't do it. She has always been my strength and support. I just took it all for granted I see, now.

But I know I can't change myself or give up my hobbies. But I can change other things that I hope could still make her happy. It's just moving is something I can't do, either. At my age, moving would set me back. I love my community, my town, the patients and the work. I get excited to do work. It just gets taxing at times that I need my hobbies for an outlet.

Other colleagues I have with me, have no hobbies and I can see how stress affects them. I have mentored a colleague and introduced him to my hobby, and he's been a lot less stressed, too.




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#50 ·
So, what are you willing to change? All I've seen in your posts are things you won't change. Besides money, what do you bring to your marriage? How are you a partner to your wife? You list all the things you do for other people, but what do you do for your wife? I'm not talking anything to do with money. How would you make your marriage happy if you didn't have two nickels to rub together?
 
#58 ·
She's not cheating on me. She is a workaholic who works from home. We are busy with our lives with our daughter.


You would double your substantial income if you had a $1 for every man who has written that on one of these forums. When a woman wants to separate out of the clear blue sky, you can bet there is a fairly high percentage that one of three things is going on

(1) she already is in an affair of some kind
(2) she is thinking about having one
(3) she wants to owe you no accountability for anything she does, so of course the excuse will be "we were technically separated"

If I were you, I would tell her its fine, you will give her her separation along with divorce papers which you will tear up once she passes a polygraph if she wants to end the separation and stay married indicating she has not been involved with another man.

i know, you're convinced she does not have time to cheat. Another frequently used certainty.
 
#59 ·
Well, she should not ask u to give up a hobby u have a passion for. However, it sounds a bit like u take that hobby as more important than your wife. Ask her for some time before a big decision. Give her attention, lots of attention. Take her out on dates, take her on a vacation somewhere she has always wanted to go, make it as romantic as possible. Tell her how beautiful she is every day and how lucky u r to have her. Make her your priority, sure go to the shooting range, but not nearly as often as u do now. She feels like an outsider. She feels single because u have your attention elsewhere.


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#69 ·
Something else is up. If she wants to spend more time together make that happen. Doesn't mean you have to sell your guns or stop doing what you are passionate about.

Snoop her phone and computer and out a recorder in her car or where she hangs out. I think she is up to no good.


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