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My husband keeps racking up debt.

10K views 52 replies 19 participants last post by  aine 
#1 ·
I am in an exactly similar situation.

Married for 17 years - he lost his job 11 years ago. I have been sole bread winner. He keeps trying different "business". Initially it did not matter because I had a very good paying job and solid financial backup. But over the years it slowly started eroding. He would rack up the debt - I would fight, cry and eventually pay it off because it didn't make sense to pay "interest".

Three years ago I lost my job and couldn't get another job with all the recession. We went almost bankrupt. On. Ew years eve we did not even have $3.00 to buy milk. I struggled really hard to bring us back on track. Working endlessly for almost 20-22 hours a day. Things started looking up. I started paying off the debt slowly but consistently - only to find out he ended up getting some credit cards and getting a huge loan of another $20k.

I don't know what to do. We have two kids together. I have never loved anyone other than him. I have tried everything from counselling to yelling and screaming and crying and threatening. Not sure what I should do anymore. I don't want to put kids through this as they love their dad. Also I don't think he can survive if I throw him out. But I am under a lot of stress. I don't want to keep paying his debt all my life. I want to walk away but don't have the courage to do so. Help me. I feel like a total loser.
 
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#2 ·
I dont know which country you liv, e.g. but there are organisations which can help with debt management/personal debt. Find out if you have something like this in your own country.
It sounds like your H has a major issue with money management. He needs some sort of help. It might be better if you got advice about settling his debts. Is it possible for him to be declared a bankrupt so then he would be unable to get credit cards, personal loans etc and you could ask him to get a job and would not be responsible for his debt?
 
#5 ·
If he declares bankruptcy, the companies he owes money to will come after her for the money. She would have to declare bankruptcy with him.

Plus, it's not all that hard to get loans a fairly short time after declaring bankruptcy. So I think she has to sever herself legally from him.
 
#4 ·
If you don't mind sharing, what is the total debt right now?

You need to separate yourself legally from him so that only he is responsible for his debt. The only way to do that is to divorce him.

If you still love him, you could still stay with him. But don't have the legal tangle of marriage.

What's happened is that you keep bailing him out. So apparently his credit is still good enough to get in debt. If you divorce him and do not pay his debt, he will end up with a credit score that would chase lenders.
 
#15 ·
He doesn't want to get a job. He wants to do business. Initially it seemed okay - that's what you do as partners. You support each other's dreams. I was doing really well financiallly and in my career. But then he started making bad decisions - hiring employes when he is not even driving revenue to just pay basic bills. The first time I bailed out of 150k debt on top of all the joint saving he had used up. He said he would fix things - but it just kept getting worst. In fact things started falling apart on other fronts too.

He could never do house chores - but as he started failing in his business things got worse. He started becoming more irresponsible than ever. He wouldn't even manage the basic things around the house because it "hurt" his pride. I was stuck working long hours and then coming home to manage everything in the house from running around with kids to their homework to soccer practice to cooking and cleaning and socializing and managing a normal family front. I kept giving excuses on his behalf - he is going through a rough patch. Things will get better. But they did not mainly because his lack of proper judgement. When I tried to help him with business planning (because that's what I do for a living - I build growth strategies for tech organizations - the irony) - he refused. I am a man of my own mind - nobody tells me what to do. I bailed him twice again 75k and 60k.

I know leaving him makes sense. But I am afraid. I pretend everything is okay - I thought it doesn't matter cause I make enough money. Then the Liam's started adding up. We had no savings left. The interest started killing me. I left my cozy job and took up a new job with a big raise. Things didn't work out for me and I got let go in 3 months without any package. I was emotionally shattered. Couldn't get another job partially because of recession but mainly because of my mental state of mind. In less than four months we had spent over limit on every credit card we owned. He couldn't even support us or few months. I had to snap myself out of mental funk and work day and night to get to a comfortable level. Lately things have been great financially. I am just about to pay off the debt we had racked up while I was without a job and the. I find out he again managed to get credit card from somewhere and is already over limit on that and this other loan of 20k. I am really angry.

I know I have to do something about it. Talking on this forum is probably my first big step as I have now acknowledged that this is a real
problem.
 
#7 ·
OF COURSE he can survive if you throw him out! He has made the conscious CHOICE to let you carry the burdens in your marriage, and you just keep doing it. He is severely selfish to run up debt like that when he is not contributing financially. Why cant you find the courage to end this? Are you happy like this?? If you were, you wouldnt be here. He doesnt give a damn how hard you work, he is all about himself.

Time to cut him off. Remove him from all bank accounts, close out all joint credit cards, he gets only grocery money to buy for the family. If he doesnt like it, then he can either get a JOB, or get the **** out. You wouldnt be losing anything besides a babysitter.
 
#10 ·
I'd bet you'd be under a lot less stress and make a more stable and tension free household for your kids if you divorced your husband and were no longer responsible for his debts. You could, as suggested upthread, continue to be a couple without the legal entanglement of marriage. He'd have to either stop spending or get a job and pay his own bills.

My exH made debts and his mommy made payments. He spent most of his adult life either unemployed or employed for a few months, at most, before he'd quit. He was extremely financially irresponsible and his mom enabled him by paying off his debts. This was one of the reasons I left him. It's nearly 20 years later and his mother is STILL paying his bills. When she dies or becomes physically unable to work, my ex and his wife are going to be totally screwed. They're both over 40 and neither has actually worked for years. By paying his bills, my exMIL did my exH no favors. You aren't doing your H any favors, either.
 
#11 ·
As unorthodox as it sounds, you could just not pay off his mess, and file bankruptcy. Then just don't pay anything off when he gets another loan. Don't sign anything, but don't pay anything either. Let it all crash and burn.

Yes, there are advantages to having a better credit rating. But I think you should work a reasonable number of hours, and just let it go. You need to be on a cash basis, one way or another.

Your only reasonable alternative is divorce.
 
#12 ·
I'm in the same boat and every single professional I've talked to has told me to file bankruptcy, with or without him, and never let him touch my money again.

This isn't really a money issue. I'm sure you're aware of that, right?

This is an inability of YOURS to say no to your User husband.

You say you've tried everything. Have you gone to therapy to learn how to respect yourself and figure out WHY you can't say no to him?
 
#13 ·
If she stays married to him and files bankruptcy, that bankruptcy will only apply to the debt listed in the bankruptcy court documents. So she would still be responsible for any new debt that he creates.

This is why her getting a divorce to sever are legal obligations to pay his debt is so important.
 
#17 ·
I don't think I can file bankruptcy. I started my own business and I am doing pretty well. Plus we have a big house - multi million dollar. I have paid out almost 70% of the house. I can't file bankruptcy without losing everything. Did anyone advise you on how you can legally separate without filing bankruptcy?
 
#26 ·
You are probably right that you cannot file bankruptcy if you have enough assets and income to pay off the debt.

In bankruptcy, you can keep your house, a car, your business, etc. But it's about whether or not you can actually pay off the debt and still keep your basic needs met.

When you say legally separate, are you talking about a legal separation where you stay married? Or are you talking about a divorce? There is a difference. You can do either and not go bankrupt. But I think that with a legal separation (instead of divorce) you might still be responsible for his debt.

It sounds like your best bet might be divorce. Then if he gets more debt after you are divorced, you have no responsibility for it at all.

You might want to talk to a lawyer about all this so that you can get advice that is accurate for where you live.

Do you live in the USA? Because I could be different in other countries. And of course, even in the USA the laws about divorce, debt, etc in marriage is different in some states.
 
#44 ·
Is your business incorporated? That may protect it. Is your H kept separate from your business or did you name him as a corporate officer?

Speak with bankruptcy attorney who handle more than the simple Chapters 7 and 13. Speak with attorneys who deal with these sort of cases. Your H may be assigned the debt in the split and then he can file for bankruptcy. But you need to speak with attorneys who specialize in these type of cases.

IamSomebody
 
#35 ·
Help me. I feel like a total loser.
You aren't, but you're sure married to one.

What kind of parasite lives off his wife when he's perfectly CAPABLE of working but chooses not to? And instead of being productive and supporting the family financially, this worthless loser goes out and racks up debt because he knows YOU'LL pay it off. What a prince.

I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he can 'survive' out there or not. You act like he's some handicapped child who can't tie his shoes or cut his own meat and will be shred to pieces by the wolves out there. There's a huge difference between truly being unable to care for yourself due to physical and/or mental limitations, and just being plain lazy and an opportunist who thinks it's ok to live off other people while doing NOTHING. You'd be amazed at what a shiftless, lazy ass person can do when they can no longer suck the life blood out of someone else.

He could never do house chores - but as he started failing in his business things got worse. He started becoming more irresponsible than ever. He wouldn't even manage the basic things around the house because it "hurt" his pride. I was stuck working long hours and then coming home to manage everything in the house from running around with kids to their homework to soccer practice to cooking and cleaning and socializing and managing a normal family front.
And JUST when I thought this guy couldn't sink any lower, he does.

I know I have to do something about it.
You should have done something about him a LONG, LONG time ago. He brings nothing - and I mean absolutely NOTHING - to the table. I simply can't understand your statement about being 'afraid' of getting rid of this dead weight. Afraid of WHAT? Exactly WHAT do you stand to lose? Absolutely nothing - except the lazy ass will insist on alimony since he has no pride at all and will continue milking his cash cow til he gets the very last penny out of you. What a disgrace he is.
 
#38 ·
Here is another book for you. It's about codependency and how you can stop it.

What's codendency? It's when you put the needs of someone else ahead of your own needs to the point of it harming you.

Codependency is a fairly normal reaction to a bad situation. Think of it like this, there is hole in the dam. So you put your finger in the hole to stop the water from running out. Now there you are stuck, with your finger in the hole and you cannot do anything... you cannot take care of yourself, cannot sleep, eat, etc. Why? Because if you do the water will gush trough, break the dam etc. Or at least you think this is what will happen. So you stay there, scared with your finger in the dam... for years.

This book tells you how to disengage and stop taking responsibility for your husband's actions.


Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
 
#46 ·
I don't need to file bankruptcy to pay off my debt. My problem is not that. I need to file bankruptcy to make sure he doesn't keep racking up more debt.

My problem is more around what do I do to protect my and my kids future.

Thanks for all the strong recommendations and suggestions. It really did help me put things in proper perspective.
 
#42 ·
You don't need therapy you need to cut this millstone from around your neck.

My god lady a blind woman could see this!!!!!

He's playing through life at your expense. No real man would go that long without contributing something for the families welfare.

Tell him to go over to SI for help. They're better at helping men find their vaginas than we are.
 
#43 ·
He's playing through life at your expense. No real man would go that long without contributing something for the families welfare.
Agreed. All this would be a different story if he actually took care of your home and family while you work... and didnt take out these ridiculous loans. He is not a partner to you, please dont be afraid of losing him. That would actually be the best thing to happen to. You are already on your own, cutting him loose would mean so much stress being lifted off your shoulders, because clearly you can take care of yourself.
 
#49 ·
Sounds like your H has some sort of debt addiction

1. sit him down and be firm, tell him he needs to go to counselling for this, there are bound to be orgainsations in Canada dealing with this

2. Tell him you have had enough of his leeching, lay out clearly all the things you do - make a list and all the things he does - make a list. Make a spreadsheet of all the money squandered because of his bad decisions and show it to him.He should be your employee in the business. Give him a fixed salary, he will still have to pull his weight with bills etc. If he doesn't work etc kick him out. NO more chances

3. Say you are not carrying him anymore, he needs to man up and be the leader of his family.
4. Give him one more chance but if he messes it up and doesn't get the help he needs you want a divorce
5. This man has leeched off you for years, and you have enabled him. Forget love, etc. He is like an addict.
He is capable of putting you all into major debt and leaving his kids without a roof over their heads.

Time to pull up your big girl panties and say 'enough is enough' either he shapes up or ships out.

You need help with co-dependence also, because you are not standing up to him and think you cannot survive without him. You can!
 
#50 ·
Why do we women have such a hard time appearing strong and full of self worth when it comes to dealing with men? They sure have no problem telling US what to do.

Honestly, Loser, there is really only one problem here, and it's not your husband. It's your inability to say no to him.

IIWY, I would go to the bank and instruct them that he can no longer withdraw more than $200 at a time without your signature. If the accounts are set up that you can't do that, stop putting your money in those accounts; set up new ones that DO have that stipulation. What's he gonna do, stamp his feet?

Go to all credit cards and remove his access to them. If you can't, then cancel the credit card. He'll have no choice but to try to open his own cards, which either won't work or they'll have only his name on them. You may, however - if he refuses to stop spending - have to go to your lawyer and legally divest yourself of your husband so that creditors will not be able to try to get the money from YOU.

You can do this.
 
#52 ·
I live in Canada.

My ex was responsible for all debts. Aside from the house. That was joint.

He went into a debt consolidation. Didn’t tell me a thing. I got sued by the banks. They wanted their money and I was a sitting duck. Everything that be had previously used our house as “collateral” without my written approval turned into liens on my house and they took it all away. He stopped paying child support and I was forced to move out of my home while I battled him in court. It got sold and I managed to get a bit to buy new beds for my kids.

I lost my house. I had 5 more years on my mortgage and he took that from me and ruined my credit.

Be smart.


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