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Am I Being Paranoid or Are My Concerns Legit?

2K views 17 replies 12 participants last post by  turnera 
#1 · (Edited)
Sorry, I had to edit because I accidentally hit the submit button before I finished.

So, right from the jump this is going to be long.

I met my husband towards the end of 2014 online. In October 2015 we found out he is the father of one of his exes 2 yr old little girl. He thought I was going to leave if she turned out to be his but that happened before I came along so I wasn't going to bail on him. When he realized I wasn't going anywhere he asked me to marry him. I said yes and we set a date for the next September.

Around April 2016 I found text messages where he'd been talking to other girls, including some telling his daughter's mother that he loved her and he was going to leave me "in time." This set me off. My last husband cheated on me and I wasn't going to go through the same thing again, I would leave first. He told me that he was only trying to appease her so she would let him see his daughter (this was before they had a custody agreement set up). He insisted he wanted to be with me and wasn't going anywhere. I told him conversations like that shouldn't happen and the only person he should be saying I love you to in that way is me. He agreed to go to counseling and we did. We worked things out and stayed together, getting married in September as planned.

Things have seemed to be okay since then. Last night I found messages between him and a girl he's been friends with for years. She recently got married and their conversation seemed a bit weird until I realized there were messages missing. They'd been deleted. I did see him say to her "What about my love lol?" and "What happened to marrying me lol?" Of course I ask him about it and he says she's a lesbian and they've always joked around like that. I told him I felt that when we got married any joking like that should have ended. I understand the joking around, I did it with my male friends. But it stopped when we got married as I considered it disrespectful to my husband and borderline cheating.

To my knowledge he hasn't actually done anything with anyone but I'm worried that the texting will lead to something else. Is this me being paranoid because I've been cheated on before or are my concerns legit?


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#10 ·
Honey- you are not crazy, paranoid or imagining things. You are feeling this way for a reason. Please follow your gut. I'm going through the same thing right now. Married 20 years!

He is deleting text messages - red flag.

Tells another woman he loves her -red flag

DO NOT CONFRONT - dig. Put a key logger on his phone if you need too

If you need to talk, cry whatever feel free to pm me. I can help you get the answers you need.
 
#12 ·
Keke, I've found out the friend he was texting is a lesbian and got married recently. She apologized to me for not stopping him, saying they've always joked around like that but now that they're married it's not something they will do anymore.

Hope, I just picked up a copy of that book. I understand the red flags but I'm hoping to fix it. He seems genuine and adamant that he's. It talking to anyone.

Jb, the incident with his ex happened over a year ago before the custody agreement established. We discussed that and went to counseling for it. He's not talking to her now.

Roselyn, we're already married, got married last September.

Next, he knew the little girl existed but did not know he was her father because of her infidelity in their relationship. She tested 7 guys before him (that information came from her, not him). He told me about the child when he received a court summons. He genuinely believed he wasn't the girl's father.

I defend him on some points because they happened before we got married or had counseling and maybe I shouldn't have included them since we addressed them in counseling. That said, we're going to take a look at the book and talk about if our relationship is worth saving. It is fairly new but I always want to be able to say I tried everything I could to save my marriage.


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#13 ·
@Akfranklin2014, hmmm based on your response the only things that are concerning is his messages to his ex, but you say that has already been addressed. That leaves him sending texts to his friend but you said the wife is a lesbian and you've spoken to both him/her and are satisfied with their answers.

So that really only brings us to the texts that were deleted? Now I'm not quite sure what exactly your original concerns were. Is it safe to say that everything but the deleted texts were addressed...?
 
#14 ·
I brought up the previous text issues because it felt like a slap in the face to deal with it again. After talking to his friend I'm satisfied they aren't more than friends but still feel like I was disrespected because no matter whether she's just a friend or not, he shouldn't be saying certain things to other women now that he's married. I've voiced this feeling to him before so it's not like he didn't know how I felt about it before it happened. This brought me back to the incident last year because I'm feeling like maybe he said everything he did there just to sweep it under the rug and get what he wanted and feels like it's safe now to do it again.


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#15 ·
I brought up the previous text issues because it felt like a slap in the face to deal with it again. After talking to his friend I'm satisfied they aren't more than friends but still feel like I was disrespected because no matter whether she's just a friend or not, he shouldn't be saying certain things to other women now that he's married. I've voiced this feeling to him before so it's not like he didn't know how I felt about it before it happened. This brought me back to the incident last year because I'm feeling like maybe he said everything he did there just to sweep it under the rug and get what he wanted and feels like it's safe now to do it again.

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Yes he needs to understand that regardless of his relationship with this lady, her marital status or sexual orientation, certain conversations are simply unacceptable. While I haven't bought the Shirley Glass books, I've read a few Amazon reviews that suggest the book was an eye opener for some who could not see the error of their ways and for couples who were dealing with issues such as yours. It should definitely help reiterate your concerns. Perhaps another serious conversation to discuss your feelings and concerns may also be in order.
 
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