I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...
Or, for that matter, talking to him in general. Typing this out fills me with sadness, but this is how I feel...
There are 2 reasons why I don't enjoy spending time with my husband or talking to him in general:
1. Making plans is exhausting and soul crushing. We've always had an agreement that since I have more time I'd do most of the planning. I've never had an issue with this, until now. Whenever I suggest something, research it, etc. I'm met with criticism and hostility. "I don't want to do that" and what not. It's gotten so bad that I don't even like putting an idea out there because all of them get pecked apart. If I ask him for input he MAY suggest something which I will factor in, but those suggestions are so rare they're not really carrying our social life. This has caused me to not look forward to anything... Our anniversary is coming up and I'm *this* close to asking him if he just wants to skip it.
2. When wedo follow through with one of these plans the time spent together is so dull and robotic I'd rather be at home with my dog. There's little affection, communication, etc. We just walk around in silence and make mundane comments about the food, weather, etc. It's like we have nothing to say to each other.
Now, I HAVE talked to him about this. I've tried more than once, but for every single aspect of a situation I describe he has a rebuttal or excuse. If I tell him it upsets me we don't hold hands when we talk anymore, he'll tell me I walk too fast. When I told him I don't like that we don't snuggle while we watch TV he'll tell me I'm squirmy and constantly moving so it's difficult. All of these things are true (I'm a speed walker and can't sit still), but they've ALWAYS been true. Suddenly, these truths are barriers and excuses for behaviour that upsets me.
I'm not sure if they are excuses or, if in his head, he genuinely thinks it's ludicrous for me to feel the way I'm feeling. Everything has become a chore and So, I find myself questioning if my husband even likes who I am as a person. Everything I do annoys him. I don't force anyone to spend time with me. If you don't want to be here, leave. So I find myself withdrawing from day-to-day situations because I don't want to be around someone who makes me feel like they don't want to be around me.
(Even something as simple as eating dinner together has become distant. I've always expressed that I do not like eating in front of the TV. I get that he's tired after he comes home from work (so am I!), but I'd like to have a conversation over the meal I've cooked. I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)
If I didn't nag him or constantly remind him (like a child) of my expectations, they won't get met. I refuse to be a full-time nag, however, so I've just stopped saying anything. I'm more or less in observation mode and am watching him to see what decisions he'll make for himself if I'm not constantly making the suggestions, taking the lead, etc.
In sum, my husband has always been pretty low key and simple while I never have been. I think he's just at this point in which he no longer humours me and that's why he's contesting plans, eating dinner in front of the TV, etc. It's like he can't be bothered to do any of it anymore. The dynamic has changed.
So, what's a wife to do? Maybe this is just a phase and I should go seek happiness elsewhere? I have no intentions of cheating, but it might be time for me to put some real physical space and just go do my own thing. (Take up another hobby, spend time with friends, etc.) I just don't want to be around him. He has plans to help a friend build a fence this Saturday and all I could think about was how happy I was that he wouldn't be around me all day and I wouldn't be stuck in the same "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" conversation?
Has anyone experienced this type of distance and withdraw? How do I cope? Obviously, I don't want to divorce or separate (which seems to be the go-to answer on TAM) because I'm not sure if my feelings justify such actions, but I'm honestly not sure how long I can go on feeling so lonely and unsatisfied and bored. If he didn't exist, for example, I'd be more than capable to fix my problem because it would be an individual problem (I'd just make new friends and explore and what not only that'd mean I never saw my husband because he doesn't want to do what I want to do and he doesn't want to do much himself), but I'm married and I need to factor his happiness into my own, but I'm lost on how to fix this dynamic that has me so unhappy.
- Sad Wife
Last edited by UnicornCupcake; 06-08-2017 at 10:12 AM.