I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore... - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Or, for that matter, talking to him in general. Typing this out fills me with sadness, but this is how I feel...

There are 2 reasons why I don't enjoy spending time with my husband or talking to him in general:

1. Making plans is exhausting and soul crushing. We've always had an agreement that since I have more time I'd do most of the planning. I've never had an issue with this, until now. Whenever I suggest something, research it, etc. I'm met with criticism and hostility. "I don't want to do that" and what not. It's gotten so bad that I don't even like putting an idea out there because all of them get pecked apart. If I ask him for input he MAY suggest something which I will factor in, but those suggestions are so rare they're not really carrying our social life. This has caused me to not look forward to anything... Our anniversary is coming up and I'm *this* close to asking him if he just wants to skip it.

2. When wedo follow through with one of these plans the time spent together is so dull and robotic I'd rather be at home with my dog. There's little affection, communication, etc. We just walk around in silence and make mundane comments about the food, weather, etc. It's like we have nothing to say to each other.

Now, I HAVE talked to him about this. I've tried more than once, but for every single aspect of a situation I describe he has a rebuttal or excuse. If I tell him it upsets me we don't hold hands when we talk anymore, he'll tell me I walk too fast. When I told him I don't like that we don't snuggle while we watch TV he'll tell me I'm squirmy and constantly moving so it's difficult. All of these things are true (I'm a speed walker and can't sit still), but they've ALWAYS been true. Suddenly, these truths are barriers and excuses for behaviour that upsets me.
I'm not sure if they are excuses or, if in his head, he genuinely thinks it's ludicrous for me to feel the way I'm feeling. Everything has become a chore and So, I find myself questioning if my husband even likes who I am as a person. Everything I do annoys him. I don't force anyone to spend time with me. If you don't want to be here, leave. So I find myself withdrawing from day-to-day situations because I don't want to be around someone who makes me feel like they don't want to be around me.

(Even something as simple as eating dinner together has become distant. I've always expressed that I do not like eating in front of the TV. I get that he's tired after he comes home from work (so am I!), but I'd like to have a conversation over the meal I've cooked. I used to wait for him to eat so we could eat together, but every damn day he ASKS "Do you want to sit at the table?" and I get the feeling he's HOPING I say no so he can go eat in front of the TV. Well, F that. I'm not forcing him to eat with me so I've started eating before he gets home. That way he's free to eat wherever the hell he likes.)

If I didn't nag him or constantly remind him (like a child) of my expectations, they won't get met. I refuse to be a full-time nag, however, so I've just stopped saying anything. I'm more or less in observation mode and am watching him to see what decisions he'll make for himself if I'm not constantly making the suggestions, taking the lead, etc.

In sum, my husband has always been pretty low key and simple while I never have been. I think he's just at this point in which he no longer humours me and that's why he's contesting plans, eating dinner in front of the TV, etc. It's like he can't be bothered to do any of it anymore. The dynamic has changed.

So, what's a wife to do? Maybe this is just a phase and I should go seek happiness elsewhere? I have no intentions of cheating, but it might be time for me to put some real physical space and just go do my own thing. (Take up another hobby, spend time with friends, etc.) I just don't want to be around him. He has plans to help a friend build a fence this Saturday and all I could think about was how happy I was that he wouldn't be around me all day and I wouldn't be stuck in the same "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?" conversation?

Has anyone experienced this type of distance and withdraw? How do I cope? Obviously, I don't want to divorce or separate (which seems to be the go-to answer on TAM) because I'm not sure if my feelings justify such actions, but I'm honestly not sure how long I can go on feeling so lonely and unsatisfied and bored. If he didn't exist, for example, I'd be more than capable to fix my problem because it would be an individual problem (I'd just make new friends and explore and what not only that'd mean I never saw my husband because he doesn't want to do what I want to do and he doesn't want to do much himself), but I'm married and I need to factor his happiness into my own, but I'm lost on how to fix this dynamic that has me so unhappy.

- Sad Wife


Last edited by UnicornCupcake; 06-08-2017 at 10:12 AM.
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post #2 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

How old are you guys? How long have you been married? How long have you felt this way (or has it been leading up to this)? Os the sex good/frequent? /GuyInColorado

What are you willing to do to resolve this?
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post #3 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:18 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Have you tried showing him your posts?
I'm very serious.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #4 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
How old are you guys? How long have you been married? How long have you felt this way (or has it been leading up to this)? Os the sex good/frequent? /GuyInColorado

What are you willing to do to resolve this?
I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.

Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.
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post #5 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
Have you tried showing him your posts?
I'm very serious.
I keep a diary and sometimes I do read him past entries! One almost put him into tears so I haven't done it in awhile, but they tend to summarize how I'm feeling much better than I could explain in a conversation. But that just left me feelig gguilty for upsetting him because he doesn't seem to *get* why I'm so miserable and this is another reason for my withdraw.
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post #6 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

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Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
I'm turning 31 and he's turning 32. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up. I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed. The sex has consistently been frequent, although I strongly believe in Duty Sex and am at the point in which I could go without it. (I don't feel close enough to him to enjoy sex.) This week there's been no sex because I'm having a minor health issue - something that's probably adding to my depression.

Honestly, I'm willing to do anything. I've suggested counseling. He won't do it. He thinks counseling is only for doomed couples. I'm willing to tweak minor personality annoyances and what not.
If you are at duty sex, then you are a "doomed" couple. Was he always this way? Have you just gotten sick of him? I think you need to plan for the nuclear option. Not that you have to get divorced, or even want to. But you have to make him realize that these issues are make or break. You've only been together a year and you are both young. Give him an ultimatum that he has to either see a counselor and TRY or you will go live with your mom and think about things...
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post #7 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:32 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

@turnera

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #8 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:38 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

GEEZ , life is too short to live this way , yall need too talk an he needs to change or if i was you i would move on and do something else , this way of living would be miserble !
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post #9 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:25 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

I think you both need some alone time.

There were parts where you sound like his mother not his wife. You even referenced "like a child".

And I understand that completely, sometimes men don't listen or get it. My husband included. But I have to back off or risk becoming and going into the parent role. That's not sexy.

Imagine him nagging you. How would you feel?
" You're not holding my hand right "
"You're not cuddling me properly"

Yeah see, you would not like to be around him if he constantly nagged and was critical of you. It's doesn't exactly create a romantic atmosphere now does it?

Make suggestions and then leave him to do his own thing.
Give advice and then let him do what he wants.
And if you want something done, do it yourself. Then ask him for help, instead of nagging or making him do something.
Stop "observation mode" that's parental control.

We want to spend time with people who make us feel good and happy. So if he's not excited about planning for the future, that's a major problem.

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post #10 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:41 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

I'd recommend doing things on your own or with your friends. It's important to have lives outside of the marriage too. That way, you have things to talk about when you do get together. That may help some.


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post #11 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:43 AM
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnicornCupcake View Post
I've always felt like this in phases - not just with him, but people in general. I'm a pretty passionate person and constantly need to be stimulated so if conversation becomes mundane rather than interesting I get really depressed.
This stood out to me. Are you exhausting to be around? You sound high maintenance. I'm not saying that to be mean-spirited. It's merely an observation from the above quote.
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post #12 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

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If you are at duty sex, then you are a "doomed" couple. Was he always this way? Have you just gotten sick of him? I think you need to plan for the nuclear option. Not that you have to get divorced, or even want to. But you have to make him realize that these issues are make or break. You've only been together a year and you are both young. Give him an ultimatum that he has to either see a counselor and TRY or you will go live with your mom and think about things...
I am almost at my breaking point so I definitely think I need to do something. I disagree about Duty Sex, though. I think it's something women just do to please their husbands every now and then. (Obviously, this can't be the way it is all the time.) The same way men do things for their wives they'd rather not do.
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post #13 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

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GEEZ , life is too short to live this way , yall need too talk an he needs to change or if i was you i would move on and do something else , this way of living would be miserble !
I'm exhausted. I wake up in the middle of the night and go cry on the couch because I'm just so disappointed. I don't think he's 100% of the problem, though. I know part of it is me, I'm just at a loss on where to go from here...
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post #14 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
I think you both need some alone time.

There were parts where you sound like his mother not his wife. You even referenced "like a child".

And I understand that completely, sometimes men don't listen or get it. My husband included. But I have to back off or risk becoming and going into the parent role. That's not sexy.

Imagine him nagging you. How would you feel?
" You're not holding my hand right "
"You're not cuddling me properly"

Yeah see, you would not like to be around him if he constantly nagged and was critical of you. It's doesn't exactly create a romantic atmosphere now does it?

Make suggestions and then leave him to do his own thing.
Give advice and then let him do what he wants.
And if you want something done, do it yourself. Then ask him for help, instead of nagging or making him do something.
Stop "observation mode" that's parental control.

We want to spend time with people who make us feel good and happy. So if he's not excited about planning for the future, that's a major problem.

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
I'm a little nervous that I'll end up spending every weekend with my friends or doing other things. I'm trying to find some middle ground. Some desire to want to be around him.

Also, I KNOW that if I simply suggest and don't take control nothing with happen. That's what I'veb een doing.
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post #15 of 88 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I don't enjoy spending time with my husband anymore...

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This stood out to me. Are you exhausting to be around? You sound high maintenance. I'm not saying that to be mean-spirited. It's merely an observation from the above quote.
High maintenance has such a negative connotation to it. I consider myself passionate. I don't need you to be at my beck and call or put on a show for me when we spend time together, BUT I require stimulation. We can't just be sitting on the couch or having a conversation about the weather. I like this about myself, to be honest. I don't want to be one of those "low maintenance" people who are content with a piece of string and a TV show. That's not me. It never has been. I try to avoid people like that to some it might come off as high maintenance, but I just see it as lively... An energetic and passionate way to live. My husband is the opposite... He can literally watch TV for 8 hours and not talk. I feel like life is passing me by.
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