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post #1 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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I love everything about her, expect one thing...

And itís a big one, our sex life.

My girlfriend is amazing. She is (almost) everything that I could ever want. She is beautiful inside and out. She is smart, educated, successful, loves the work she does. She is kind, loving and would do anything for a person that she loves. She stops to help strangers in need or pick up trash. She is a great mother to her son and treats my son as if he were her own. We are financially very comfortable and she is good with money. She isnít superficial and could care less about having the latest things. She would rather spoil everyone else but herself. She is adventurous and up for almost anything at the drop of a hat. We rarely fight and have never had a serious fight. She has an immense amount of patience and rarely loses her temper. What makes her happiest in life is making the people she loves happy. She would be a great wife and someone would be very lucky to have her, but I don't know if that person is me.

I have been married before. I was married for 8 years and we fought every day of that marriage and in the end hated each other and still do. That is not a place that I want to end up at with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has never been married, but was in a serious relationship for 7 years. We both have pre-teen sons, who get along quite well.

Our sex life is the one part of our relationship that I donít love. We have sex, itís not like she withholds it (my ex-wife did). We have sex once or twice a week, which by some standards would be good. The problem is that she isnít into it and doesnít enjoy it. Never has, with me or anyone else. It doesnít feel good for her and she tries to fake it but that makes me not enjoy it. Sex is sort of like a blowjob, she does it because she loves me and it feels good for me but she gets nothing from it other than happiness from pleasing me.

But at least she tries? At least we do have sex? That could change and she could decide she doesnít want to do it anymore, though to be honest I really canít see her doing that. Itís added to this invisible list of things that she does for me to make me happy. Iím not sure what is worse, having her fake the enjoyment or when she doesnít fake it but is emotionless, still and silent (dead fish). I either have to accept that she doesnít enjoy sex or walk away.

2 years was a timeframe for marriage that we both had in our minds. We didnít talk about it much but it did come up from time to time. We both thought that would be enough time to know if we wanted to get married or not. Now we are quickly approaching 3 years and I feel like itís now or never. I donít want to waste her time, or mine.

She is expecting/hoping for a proposal when we go away for our 3rd anniversary. If it doesnít happen I know she is going to be very hurt. She was with her ex for 7 years, they had a child and he wouldnít propose. I donít want to be that guy to her, it still hurts her.

Iím out of town (out of the country actually) and wonít be back until the night before our 3rd anniversary. I canít break up with her over the phone or through an email. I also donít want to end things on our anniversary or have our planned weekend away, act like nothing is wrong, then break up with her. I keep playing out in my head what I would say to her and I just donít want to hurt her. She knows sex is a problem, it has been in all of her relationships. She is very self-conscious about it and deemed herself unlovable before we met. I donít want to lose her and I donít want to hurt her. I donít want her to think that sheís getting a proposal but instead gets a break up.

Our anniversary is in a little less than 3 weeks. Iím flying back on a Friday and meeting her at the resort we have booked for our anniversary. Weíve already paid for it, so it wouldnít be easy to cancel for some made up reason. Anniversaries are special to her.

I have thought about breaking up with her for a while. I keep coming back to, I donít want to lose her, I donít want to hurt her and she is otherwise perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect person so is this something that I should just bend on? She is aware of it, she puts in effort to make it work, she hates it and is self-conscious about it. She would love to be able to enjoy sex and hates that she canít. But sex is a big deal and a problem for a lot of people. I donít want to make the same mistake twice, though itís really not the same. She would love me and be a great wife until the day she dies. I could love her for the rest of my life. I wouldnít be 100% happy, maybe 80-85% happy. Either way she gets hurt and that isnít fair to her. She is upset every time after we have sex. She knows that I donít enjoy it as much as I could/should and that Iím not completely happy with it. There are tears probably 1/4 of the time after sex.

It's not fair to her that while we have sex I close my eyes and imagine we're in a different scenario or that I'm with someone else. She should be more than a live sex doll or walking fleshlight. She deserves to have a husband who loves absolutely everything about her, because there is so much to love. She deserves to feel comfortable with a man and not be upset a few times a week because of what she canít do. She shouldnít feel less than or worthless. She is too good of a person to feel that way, and to not have someone in her life. I donít want her to give up. She has always wanted to be married and itís important to her. She wants more kids, Iíd love to have them with her, and the longer this drags on the slimmer that gets (age wise).

We went to sex therapy for a while and prior to meeting me she had gone by herself for quite a while. We learned some things through that, but nothing changed with her enjoyment. In ways in made it worse because it wasn't helping and we both expected or hoped that it would.

I love her. If I could remove sex from the equation I would have married her 2.5 years ago. I'd marry her today. People have worse sex lives, what I had with my ex-wife was much worse. She tries and puts in effort, should it be the deciding factor? I'm not looking for a second divorce, but also don't want to lose an amazing woman over something that in the grand scheme of things might not be that big.

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post #2 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 11:52 AM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Life is full of difficult choices with very real trade-offs. Contrary to what is forcefed to people now a days, sometimes you can't have it all no matter how badly you want it. At least you both recognize this is an issue now, and in what appear to be her style, she has been completely up front, open and honest with you, which is a lot more than many others can say.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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post #3 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 11:59 AM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

If this is a problem in your relationship right now, what do you think it will be like in 10 or 15 years time?

You have had the experience of marriage one time in your life and that has taught you quite a bit. Are you going to use that knowledge to make future decisions, or are you going to ignore it and hope that everything fixes itself with time and patience?

You may not want to hurt your girlfriend, which I believe With all sincerity, however it will hurt her more for you to stick your head in the sand and stay with her long-term only to find out that you have grown to resent her enormously for not giving you enthusiastic sex for years. You will no doubt come back here to tell us that nothing has changed, and in fact, it may have gotten worse.

Your gut is already telling you that this may be a big problem. Provided you have communicated to her very clearly about what your expectations are for intimacy, then she should be as equally truthful about whether she can meet your needs or is unable to do so. Also, her actions will speak volumes over her words.

You should take into consideration the possibility that she is very happy with the way your relationship is as it stands and she sees nothing as lacking. It may not be fair to you, but it may be her reality.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #4 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

I might have missed it but exactly what doesn't she enjoy about sex?

My w never particularly enjoyed PIV. We're working on it but it has been painful and just not enjoyable - but there are things we can do now that it's out in the open and we're working on it

My W's favorite is a bj but she won't let me go down on her (again we're working on that and she understands it's just a mental block)

We use a vibrator and various things and are both happy. Of course I would love her to live PIV and a bunch of other things but that is my preference.

So I would never discount a bj as duty sex in any way. People get sexual satisfaction in a variety of ways. Could be your fiancť really enjoys that and hj and would enjoy vibrators, etc

Do you use vibrators? Can she o through masturbation?

Btw it's ok to not make a decision and be honest about working on this more first.

If she's nervous or apprehensive or feels pressured it can kill her arousal and sex without arousal is not enjoyable.


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post #5 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 12:27 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Btw my personal experience with people pleasers and those who are tremendously considerate of others - often means they don't prioritize their own happiness and pleasure. This can be a problem with sex, because that actually takes a bit of selfishness to be able to achieve O - the ability to give AND receive sexually. Could this be an issue? Could she have difficulty "taking" sexually and just feeling guilt-free pleasure?


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post #6 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 12:31 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Does she tell you that she does not enjoy sex? How do you know this?

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post #7 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I might have missed it but exactly what doesn't she enjoy about sex?

My w never particularly enjoyed PIV. We're working on it but it has been painful and just not enjoyable - but there are things we can do now that it's out in the open and we're working on it

My W's favorite is a bj but she won't let me go down on her (again we're working on that and she understands it's just a mental block)

We use a vibrator and various things and are both happy. Of course I would love her to live PIV and a bunch of other things but that is my preference.

So I would never discount a bj as duty sex in any way. People get sexual satisfaction in a variety of ways. Could be your fiancť really enjoys that and hj and would enjoy vibrators, etc

Do you use vibrators? Can she o through masturbation?

Btw it's ok to not make a decision and be honest about working on this more first.

If she's nervous or apprehensive or feels pressured it can kill her arousal and sex without arousal is not enjoyable.


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The way she has described it is, during penetrative sex she can feel it but it doesn't feel good. It doesn't hurt her. She has a sex drive but it's so suppressed that you wouldn't know it. She doesn't see the point in acting on it (unless I want to) because it doesn't feel good for her and she just gets frustrated that she can't enjoy it or orgasm. She has never had an orgasm from another person. She has managed a few on her own, but they are few and far between (couple times a year) and take 45+ minutes with a strong vibrator. She gets bored, frustrated or sore and quits. When she does orgasm she says it's not very strong and doesn't feel like she thinks it should.

She is very sensitive and oral, fingers or vibrators hurt her. Even very gently putting my tongue on her clitoris makes her pull back in pain. One thing that we tried from sex therapy was for me to give her oral but avoid her clitoris for 10-15 minutes. It helped a bit, but still hurt her when I did move to her clit. After that pain, any sexual tension that was built up is lost and over. If we keep going and push through the sensitivity pain she clenched her fists and teeth to deal with it. Eventually it goes away, but any arousal is long gone.

It's the same with vibrators or fingers, hers or mine. The few times she has orgasmed it has been with a vibrator placed above or below her clitoris, not touching it.

She likes the idea of sex. She wants to enjoy sex and gets upset, mad and jealous that she can't. She does struggle with feeling pressured to enjoy it. She has slept with 6 men and this has been an issue with each starting from her very first time. We don't ever really talk about it but it's come up in therapy sessions that we went to. She doesn't think she's good enough for anyone, including me, if she can't enjoy it. That is a lot of pressure.

She doesn't seem to have a problem allowing me to try and please her anymore. It was an issue when we first got together but we worked on that and I assured her I didn't care how long it took.
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post #8 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 01:32 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

OP, you indicated that the two of you have seen a sex therapist. Did the therapist identify a specific issue or issues that might be worked on? Is there a medical diagnosis of some type that might explain this situation?

I suppose it might be clarifying to know whether this is something that even has the potential to ever improve?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #9 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 01:36 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

OP,
What has the medical community had to say. Is there loss of sensation or has there been damage of some sort? Has she never in her life experienced sexual pleasure? If she has before then she can again if the condition(s) that are preventing her enjoyment can be discovered and dealt with. You are correct in that she sounds nearly perfect in every other area. This is vitally important to you however and you may find yourself building resentment over the years.

It would behoove you carefully consider whether or not you could enjoy a life with her as it is now. Do not marry her thinking it will change and then become bitter. If you can accept things as they are then it appears she would make a good wife, if not, then it would be prudent to move on and not string her along further.

Peace and long life
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post #10 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 01:41 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Satya View Post
If this is a problem in your relationship right now, what do you think it will be like in 10 or 15 years time?

You have had the experience of marriage one time in your life and that has taught you quite a bit. Are you going to use that knowledge to make future decisions, or are you going to ignore it and hope that everything fixes itself with time and patience?

You may not want to hurt your girlfriend, which I believe With all sincerity, however it will hurt her more for you to stick your head in the sand and stay with her long-term only to find out that you have grown to resent her enormously for not giving you enthusiastic sex for years. You will no doubt come back here to tell us that nothing has changed, and in fact, it may have gotten worse.

Your gut is already telling you that this may be a big problem. Provided you have communicated to her very clearly about what your expectations are for intimacy, then she should be as equally truthful about whether she can meet your needs or is unable to do so. Also, her actions will speak volumes over her words.

You should take into consideration the possibility that she is very happy with the way your relationship is as it stands and she sees nothing as lacking. It may not be fair to you, but it may be her reality.


Given that you've been to sex therapy, both as a couple and her on her own, and have seen no results or change, indicates that this as good as it's going to get. And I have a feeling that it's only this good now because you're not married yet; if you do marry her, there's a good chance that the sex will dry up altogether.

I have to give her credit. She's trying, which is more than a lot of people get from their partners. But sometimes, simply trying isn't enough, if one doesn't succeed in making actual change and improvement.

It's not her fault, and it's not your fault, but this relationship isn't working on one very important facet. You need physical intimacy with a willing, enthusiastic partner (that's what makes it truly intimate!), and despite her efforts, she is unable to give that to you. She wants to, clearly, but she simply cannot. Sadly, I don't think that she will be able to understand exactly how important this is to you, and WHY it is so important to you. (Those of us who are HD and are/were stuck in sexless marriages understand, but none of us have ever been successful in getting our LD spouses to understand this.)

You don't want to hurt her, and while that's admirable, it will be unavoidable if you honor and prioritize your own needs... because you will never have your needs met fully in this relationship. She sounds like a wonderful woman, but if you stay with her--if you marry her--you are facing a lifetime of struggle and disappointment in terms of physical intimacy. Is everything else about her worth giving up the physical intimacy that you know you need?

It's going to be hard, because she WILL take this personally, even though she already knows this is a problem. She will feel hurt, especially if she's expecting a proposal (not to mention the baggage with the ex who wasn't willing to put a ring on it after SEVEN YEARS). But is her happiness more important than yours? Is a relationship really happy if one person is happy and the other is not?

She's a great woman, and she's perfect for someone... but she's not right for you, as amazing as she is. You both deserve to find someone who is a better fit in terms of sexual compatibility.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #11 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 01:56 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Regarding sex therapy, did she consistently do the exercises she was advised to do? I really wonder based on the fact that most people avoid difficult things, and certainly those things that make one feel inadequate.

If she has responsive desire, as my w does, she may find masturbation not very sexy and have difficulties achieving orgasm

Our sex therapist advised my w to try with vibrators etc to orgasm with penetration to see she found it enjoyable. She never did the exercises.

Instead, she would need to use the vibrator with me there, participating, kissing, touching, etc to arouse her. It's catch-22 - she won't be aroused without me but I can't discover her sexuality for her. So instead it's something we have to do together

Does this resonate at all with you? I'm pressing this because you seem to be interested in this woman and I think it's worth trying anything.

Btw if you work with her it will be tough to disconnect the pressure from the proposal but try to make it about you as a couple


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post #12 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 02:05 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

If I was more Freudian, I'd be worried about the slip in the title of your post.

Your title was, no doubt, meant to say you love everything about her, except one thing...

But what came out of your keyboard was that you expect one thing... (the thing you ain't getting)


As for worrying about who's happiness is important, I think there's really no conflict here. Even if she's happy and you're not, that situation can't last. If there is no chance to improve the situation,there will come a day when your lack of happiness will lead to the same in her. It is inevitable, especially if she honestly cares for you. Just as you deserve a fulfilling sex life, she deserves a partner who is accepting of her challenge in such a way he won't feel like he's missing out. Only with such a person can she be happy in the long term.
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post #13 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

As a general rule your sexlife will get worse with marriage. I recommend that you don't settle. Move on and keep searching for the right one.


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post #14 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 03:31 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

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Originally Posted by jro View Post
And itís a big one, our sex life.

My girlfriend is amazing. She is (almost) everything that I could ever want. She is beautiful inside and out. She is smart, educated, successful, loves the work she does. She is kind, loving and would do anything for a person that she loves. She stops to help strangers in need or pick up trash. She is a great mother to her son and treats my son as if he were her own. We are financially very comfortable and she is good with money. She isnít superficial and could care less about having the latest things. She would rather spoil everyone else but herself. She is adventurous and up for almost anything at the drop of a hat. We rarely fight and have never had a serious fight. She has an immense amount of patience and rarely loses her temper. What makes her happiest in life is making the people she loves happy. She would be a great wife and someone would be very lucky to have her, but I don't know if that person is me.

.......My girlfriend has never been married, but was in a serious relationship for 7 years. We both have pre-teen sons, who get along quite well.

Our sex life is the one part of our relationship that I donít love. We have sex, itís not like she withholds it (my ex-wife did). We have sex once or twice a week, which by some standards would be good. The problem is that she isnít into it and doesnít enjoy it. Never has, with me or anyone else. It doesnít feel good for her and she tries to fake it but that makes me not enjoy it. Sex is sort of like a blowjob, she does it because she loves me and it feels good for me but she gets nothing from it other than happiness from pleasing me.

But at least she tries? At least we do have sex? That could change and she could decide she doesnít want to do it anymore, though to be honest I really canít see her doing that. Itís added to this invisible list of things that she does for me to make me happy. Iím not sure what is worse, having her fake the enjoyment or when she doesnít fake it but is emotionless, still and silent (dead fish). I either have to accept that she doesnít enjoy sex or walk away.

2 years was a timeframe for marriage that we both had in our minds. We didnít talk about it much but it did come up from time to time. We both thought that would be enough time to know if we wanted to get married or not. Now we are quickly approaching 3 years and I feel like itís now or never. I donít want to waste her time, or mine.

She is expecting/hoping for a proposal when we go away for our 3rd anniversary. If it doesnít happen I know she is going to be very hurt. She was with her ex for 7 years, they had a child and he wouldnít propose. I donít want to be that guy to her, it still hurts her.

.....Our anniversary is in a little less than 3 weeks. Iím flying back on a Friday and meeting her at the resort we have booked for our anniversary. Weíve already paid for it, so it wouldnít be easy to cancel for some made up reason. Anniversaries are special to her.

..... She is aware of it, she puts in effort to make it work, she hates it and is self-conscious about it. She would love to be able to enjoy sex and hates that she canít. But sex is a big deal and a problem for a lot of people. I donít want to make the same mistake twice, though itís really not the same. She would love me and be a great wife until the day she dies. I could love her for the rest of my life. I wouldnít be 100% happy, maybe 80-85% happy. Either way she gets hurt and that isnít fair to her. She is upset every time after we have sex. She knows that I donít enjoy it as much as I could/should and that Iím not completely happy with it. There are tears probably 1/4 of the time after sex.

......We went to sex therapy for a while and prior to meeting me she had gone by herself for quite a while. We learned some things through that, but nothing changed with her enjoyment. In ways in made it worse because it wasn't helping and we both expected or hoped that it would.

I love her. If I could remove sex from the equation I would have married her 2.5 years ago. I'd marry her today. People have worse sex lives, what I had with my ex-wife was much worse. She tries and puts in effort, should it be the deciding factor? I'm not looking for a second divorce, but also don't want to lose an amazing woman over something that in the grand scheme of things might not be that big.
Based on what you have posted, I would tell her exactly what you have posted on your special vacation.

I would tell her what you said and that is you would marry her in a heartbeat, if you thought the two of your could be sexually happy. If she is half as wonderful as you say both for you and your child, I would tell her that you would like to try sex therapy again with her and that if the two of you feel sex is working for you , that you will marry her. I would then interview at least 3 sex therapists with her to fine one that the two of you are comfortable with. Ask them if they can help the two of you find ways to share sex and intimacy that will bond the two of you together or if they can recommend someone who can.

I almost divorced my wife that I love, because she would not have sex with me. I was in a sex starved marriage and a sex therapist helped save my marriage. Sex is very important to me, but so is intimacy and feeling sexually desired. I think that a good sex therapist may help you discover your need and enjoyment of intimacy and help you and wonder woman find a compromise on sex that you can both live with.

Good luck.
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post #15 of 103 (permalink) Old 06-12-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: I love everything about her, expect one thing...

Could you and she both be happy if sex is something she does *for* you? There there could be other things you do for her.

Its not an unfair situation but it may not be something you are both happy with.

Its not anyone's fault but serious sexual incompatibility will likely lead to an unhappy marriage.
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