Thank you, everyone.
The further clarify, the open relationship was a mutually agreed upon decision that went into effect shortly after I recovered from the last affair 9 years ago. It lasted less than a year and we agreed to end it together. We have been monogamous since.
He brought up his fantasy of having a threesome with this woman as a result of me finding out about their friendship in the first place. It was his way of spilling the beans, basically, in an attempt to be completely honest. I'm not oblivious to the fact that he's still capable of an attraction or have fantasies about the opposite sex. I know that when he has said he's seen her outside of work it's always with a +1 or more. I think he has drawn his line at physical touch, however, when this initially came about I warned him about the effects of emotional affairs - how simply connecting with her on a personal level can lead to more intense feelings and increases the likelihood of having another affair. Now that he has divulged our personal disagreements, certainly painting me in a negative light, I feel like I just can't trust him with the things I have to say and he has opened the door for her to cause a greater disconnect if she's interested in him.
I did not speak to him yesterday until long after our kids were in bed. His statement to me was that he was sorry and while he's not cheating he was trying to find a loophole, which is wrong. He said he was willing to do anything - therapy, new job, etc. but I do not think his underlying behavior will change. He has an intense desire to have his ego stroked and mainly surrounds himself with female friends. As for changing jobs, we moved to our current location, giving up family and a very comfortable life, to chase his dream. Having him change now will directly impact our future, what we have sacrificed for this far.
It seems to me like I'm just shoving a monster into a closet. Some day it's going to get back out. The irritating thing is that I'm a very logical person (when I'm not angry and irrational
), I understand that biologically we are not meant to be with one person so I am capable of moving on, but when he lies/omits/hides it's like opening an old wound.