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How would you feel if you found out your father did a DNA test on you?

23K views 459 replies 44 participants last post by  jld 
#1 ·
And if you learned that a group of people had urged him to do it, how would you feel about those people?

Just wondering.
 
#5 ·
That's a loaded question that is vaguely put. If this is something that he did when you were a child and you found out about it as an adult then you should be able to accept that your father is just another flawed human being as any other. If this shakes a sense of idolization in your father then I'd be looking at my own emotional maturity and wonder if I really needed validation from such a person.
 
#6 ·
He's been dead for some time as has my mother.

I only put the pieces together long after, but I think its likely that my mother cheated on him. I was very young, so my concepts of dates is confused, but she may even have gotten pregnant and had an abortion. (I found out about the abortion separately, but is was very vaguely the same time). Its rather muddled with some other very confused early memories.

I don't blame her when I consider how he behaved. I don't really blame him when I consider how she behaved. Their marriage was a classic example of serious life-long incompatibility and misery - with blame shared by both.

I think I'm his, but I don't know for sure, and don't particularly care.
 
#7 ·
My mom beat me and my dad is an alcoholic who loved his beer more than me. And he continued to show me that through the entirety of my life.

Now I do not hate either one of them--in fact my mom and I have a civil-ish relationship and we don't poke each other. But if I were to find out my dad was prodded into a DNA test I would feel like that is par for the course. All I'm saying is that life was FAR from perfect. I know for a fact he cheated on my mom. So if he had some reason to believe she cheated--even if the reason was internet strangers--what would I care? I can say it wouldn't draw us CLOSER...but at this point it wouldn't make any difference, and it DEFINITELY would not change me or define me. So honestly? What would I care?
 
#8 ·
This question makes me think of a baby right now, Emmy.

Her mother is a friend of my step daughter's from high school. She's about 27 now. She's married with a 4 year old son and a 6 month old baby.

But her husband left her about a year ago and moved across the state to live with the woman he's been having a long term affair with.

He has denied that Emmy is his. Apparently his affair partner, who also had a baby girl in the same time frame, is all over facebook saying the Emmy is not his kid.

Well, the DNA test came back... Emmy is his kid. He refuses to acknowledge this. His affair partner is still spreading lies on facebook.

When he picks up his on one every month (that's all the time he asks for--he is the one who moved several hours away), he completely ignores his daughter, Emmy. He won't look at her. Has never held her. He is still denying her existence.

So I wonder how Emmy is going to feel about her father and the DNA test fiasco. My bet is that she's going to grow up pretty hurt by all this.
 
#43 · (Edited by Moderator)
This question makes me think of a baby right now, Emmy.

Her mother is a friend of my step daughter's from high school. She's about 27 now. She's married with a 4 year old son and a 6 month old baby.

But her husband left her about a year ago and moved across the state to live with the woman he's been having a long term affair with.

He has denied that Emmy is his. Apparently his affair partner, who also had a baby girl in the same time frame, is all over facebook saying the Emmy is not his kid.

Well, the DNA test came back... Emmy is his kid. He refuses to acknowledge this. His affair partner is still spreading lies on facebook.

When he picks up his son one every month (that's all the time he asks for--he is the one who moved several hours away), he completely ignores his daughter, Emmy. He won't look at her. Has never held her. He is still denying her existence.

So I wonder how Emmy is going to feel about her father and the DNA test fiasco. My bet is that she's going to grow up pretty hurt by all this.
Oh, this is so sad.

And that man is a fool.
 
#9 ·
Personally, I wouldn't have given two hoots in hell!

But my mother, bless her heart, is a completely different story ~ had she found out, she would have fastidiously given dear ol' Dad some DNA alright ~

"Dynamite-N-A$$!
 
#11 ·
I did a DNA test on my daughter when my gf was pregnant.This was because my girlfriend insisted on it,I had no doubts whatsoever.A few people on tam told me do it too.When I got the email from the lab that carried out the test I was happier than I ever had been in my life.
 
#14 ·
I don't see how it would matter w.r.t. my father, but I would wonder why my mother came under such widespread suspicion of cheating that everyone thought this was necessary. Depending on the results, I would want to know who my biological father might be.
 
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#19 ·
It depends on the age at discovery and the relationship with the parent at that time.

If that paternity test showed the husband to be the father, it would be in the parents best interest to never ever let that child find out a paternity test was done at all.

What does a paternity test say about the parents? Mother can't be trusted and father's love is conditional. Neither are healthy for a parental relationship.
 
#21 ·
I often agree with you, but why would you say that a father's love is conditional if a DNA test is done? There are many reasons to want to know if you are a child's biological father. It doesn't mean you would immediately shun your child and not love them as your own. My father was an alcoholic, abusive, a cheater, and eventually died from diabetes. His side of the family has had ongoing alcohol issues, diabetes, and heart issues. Why would I NOT want to know that I may be at a higher risk for these things?

And, why would I as a father not have the right to know if my wife conceived a child with another man?
 
#23 ·
Now that I have kids of my own, my first reaction would be that a father questioning the paternity of a child should make certain that child does not know he is questioning it, until he has confirmation that the child needs to know the facts, and even then, only if they are an adult. Bio dad or not, he has an obligation to protect the child and finding this info out (that the paternity is in question) could cause damage to the parental relationship and health of the child.
 
#41 ·
There are hundreds of scenarios with all types of baggage. The above scenario has a wrong and ignorant outcome, but it doesn't in any way mean there is a time limit on a DNA test. If we are talking infidelity, then she should be angry at herself for bringing it into the marriage. Yes, even if a group of people told him to do it. No, I wouldn't be mad. When it comes to paternity, do what you have to do. Nope, it isn't always for men to hide from their responsibility like the media has made everyone believe.
 
#45 ·
And what if she did not cheat? He's just very jealous or looking to excuse his own cheating and/or walking out on his family. I've seen this happy quite a bit.

Just because a man decides to DNA test his children, it does not mean that his wife has cheated.
 
#42 ·
All philosophical debates aside, many of which have already begun here before I could post, I think @jld is looking for personal opinions or reactions. Please correct me if I am wrong.

If I learned that MY father had a DNA test done, I would be very upset. For HIM. Because a DNA test, with others urging him to do it, means that my mom was cheating on him. And that would destroy my dad. He adores my mother, despite the fact that she treats him poorly. He absolutely ADORES her.

And I love my dad, so so much. If I found out my mother did that to him, I would probably never speak to her, ever again. Because my dad doesn't deserve that.

That's all if they did a test on me when I was a baby or very young.

The question is a non-starter now, as an adult. There are genetic, hereditary markers which establish his paternity, no DNA test required. There is no way that I am not my father's daughter.
 
#46 ·
I get what you are saying.

But a man asking for a DNA test does not mean that the mother cheated. It means that he thinks that she cheated.

If the DNA test came back a match to him, it still does not prove if she cheated or not.
 
#51 ·
To qualify what I said earlier, I think paternity testing should be done for every birth. Not by the fathers, who may be seen as not trusting their wife, but by the state. Just as all kinds of other newborn tests are completed at the hospital, so too should paternity tests.

These studies are all over the place. Some say as many as 1 in 7 and some say 1 in 30 births result in wrongful paternity. Let's split the difference and say 1 in 20. That's a LOT of fathers raising the child of a cheater.
 
#56 ·
Okay, I can agree with that on principle. But again, how does this impact that child? I suppose the companion law would be that the biological father would have a certain portion of his income go toward the raising of his child. But again, as a divorced Dad, you go to pick up your two kids leaving the affair child at home. I don't see how this is good for the child, even if you knew before the child was born she wasn't yours and you never lived in the same house with that child.
 
#67 ·
I am pro-voluntary transparency in marriage, MEM. I think voluntary transparency greatly builds trust.
 
#69 ·
Voluntary transparency is defined as either partner having an unqualified right to hide anything they want. For example lets say that I announce to Mrs. Nail tomorrow that since my birthday is in December, That I am allowed to spend that month away from her every year from now on and that she is Not Allowed To ask any Question about what I do, Where I go, or Who I sleep with during that Month. How well do you think my marriage will Function?

Are you Sure that Voluntary Transparency is really a good Idea in ANY committed relationship?
 
#70 ·
I think voluntary transparency, transparency that is inspired by trust, is what builds healthy marriages.
 
#71 ·
During my sophomore year in high school, in my biology class we did a blood typing exercise in which we would type our own blood, compare it to our parents', and check our type against the probabilities of that union producing offspring of that blood type.

When I typed my blood and shared the results with the teacher, he bluntly and confidently declared that I could not be the biological offspring of my legal parents based on our three blood types. He told me either I was adopted, or that mom had gotten around (what a thing for a teacher to tell a 14 year old, eh?).

Didn't bother me one bit. Even at that age, I could be stone cold logical. Those two names on my birth certificate were the ones who raised me, loved me, nurtured me. They were my parents, pure and simple. Nothing could ever change that. And I knew my mother far too well to fall for teacher's baiting. Was I switched at birth like some Lifetime TV drama? Didn't matter one bit.

As an epilogue, I will share that my parents did some research and with the aid of someone far more knowledgeable than my teacher, discovered that this combination was indeed a possibility, albeit a small one. Moreover, I have way too much of both mom and dad in me to not be theirs biologically as well as environmentally. Interestingly, I have been typed many times and it has come out different many times--my military dog tags had a different type than my red cross blood donor card, which had still a different blood type than my civilian medical records. Apparently, I'm some type of blood-chameleon.

Oh, and the best part was that my dad, a career Marine and genuine badass, went to the school and had a little chat with the teacher about scaring kids and disparaging comments about faithful wives. Teach was very nice to me the rest of the year.
 
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