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post #61 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 02:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by sokillme View Post

Or I could be wrong and he may be a self-centered jerk. I guess a good question would be was he always like this?

Why don't you ask him if he is hurt, if he felt rejected? Ask him if he want's to start having sex more. See what he says. If he say no ask him why not. Again for a good part of your marriage he was the one asking. Now it's your turn.


Yes he has been like this.

I didn't mean to sound *****y. My husband can be a jerk at times and has a habit of thinking he's right just because he read something or whatever.

It's annoying and makes me feel stupid when I try to speak my mind. As for the content of my novel these are things that I have brought up with him that I'm interested in trying with him and yet I get nothing.

While I might write down thoughts or fantasies on paper, they are also things I have shared with him previously and voiced wanting to try.


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post #62 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 03:59 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I'm shocked at some of the comments here suggesting you save up in secret, or work specifically to pay for your medication. Um, no. You get that damn bank access card and go and get the script for the medication you need!! The money that comes into your household is family money, not only your husbands money. He has no damn right to withhold money from you for any reason.

Holy cow!
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post #63 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 07:40 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I think you don't desire your husband because of multiple factors.

1) your on the pill for a long time and its noted for this
2)your husband sounds like a jerk and is not supporting you in your writings or anything else .
3) you resent him and his crappy attitude dimissing you with just exercise more.
4)you don't feel emotionally connected to him.
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post #64 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 09:20 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Yes he has been like this.

I didn't mean to sound *****y. My husband can be a jerk at times and has a habit of thinking he's right just because he read something or whatever.

It's annoying and makes me feel stupid when I try to speak my mind. As for the content of my novel these are things that I have brought up with him that I'm interested in trying with him and yet I get nothing.

While I might write down thoughts or fantasies on paper, they are also things I have shared with him previously and voiced wanting to try.


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Well sex or no sex this communication thing is not good for your marriage. His dismissiveness is not good for your marriage. Have actually told him that he makes you feel stupid? Maybe you should try to work with him on this too. Dismissiveness kills marriages. You still shouldn't discount my advice about him being hurt about the lack of sex. Just don't expect him to change overnight. It's also hard for one partner when the other partner is changing and the dynamic is shifting. It usually takes time. Have you guys ever had any marriage counseling?
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post #65 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 09:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Well sex or no sex this communication thing is not good for your marriage. His dismissiveness is not good for your marriage. Have actually told him that he makes you feel stupid? Maybe you should try to work with him on this too. Dismissiveness kills marriages. You still shouldn't discount my advice about him being hurt about the lack of sex. Just don't expect him to change overnight. It's also hard for one partner when the other partner is changing and the dynamic is shifting. It usually takes time. Have you guys ever had any marriage counseling?


I have done the therapy/counseling route twice. I won't bring it up with him for one reason.

Hubby was a combat Marine for eight years, served two back-to-back tours in Iraq. I know he had his share of shrinks after returning stateside and I don't want to put him through that.

Yes I have talked to him about how I feel and what I want for us together.


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post #66 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 09:30 AM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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I think you don't desire your husband because of multiple factors.

1) your on the pill for a long time and its noted for this
2)your husband sounds like a jerk and is not supporting you in your writings or anything else .
3) you resent him and his crappy attitude dimissing you with just exercise more.
4)you don't feel emotionally connected to him.
It's probably a perfect storm. I am in no way trying to overlook his dismissive attitude, but I bet he also feels 3 (except it's for her not wanting to have sex with him) and 4 after being rejected sexually over a long period of time.

OP I think all of this is fixable though. It starts with some long talks about everything. Please entreat him? Don't say "You are this way" or even "You do this to me" say, "When you do this it makes me feel this way". Don't say "You better stop or else" say "Can you please try to change because you are hurting me." See what happens. Also depending on your money situation you might want to get some counseling.
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post #67 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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It's probably a perfect storm. I am in no way trying to overlook his dismissive attitude, but I bet he also feels 3 (except it's for her not wanting to have sex with him) and 4 after being rejected sexually over a long period of time.



OP I think all of this is fixable though. It starts with some long talks about everything. Please entreat him? Don't say "You are this way" or even "You do this to me" say, "When you do this it makes me feel this way". Don't say "You better stop or else" say "Can you please try to change because you are hurting me." See what happens. Also depending on your money situation you might want to get some counseling.


I will do the talking bit but I refuse to do the therapy/counseling route a third time. I've been there, done that and while it helped at first, it didn't help in the long run. Yes I know it takes time and I did put in the time.

But talking to someone who isn't in my shoes nor ever have been doesn't work.


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post #68 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 12:44 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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I will do the talking bit but I refuse to do the therapy/counseling route a third time. I've been there, done that and while it helped at first, it didn't help in the long run. Yes I know it takes time and I did put in the time.

But talking to someone who isn't in my shoes nor ever have been doesn't work.


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So three times and no change did you change? Or did you both slip back to status quo.
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post #69 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 12:56 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by frusdil View Post
I'm shocked at some of the comments here suggesting you save up in secret, or work specifically to pay for your medication. Um, no. You get that damn bank access card and go and get the script for the medication you need!! The money that comes into your household is family money, not only your husbands money. He has no damn right to withhold money from you for any reason.

Holy cow!
I agree that it's nonsense that she should have to sneak around, or get a job, to pay for her medical expenses.

But I think that the only reason it's being suggested is that people do not know her financial situation. Like is there really not $100 in the bank for her to use. Or does he completely control access to money.

But now after the OP has told us more, it sounds like she has access to money. I agree with you, she needs to just do it. If he argues about it, she can just tell him that it's her health and she has the right to take care of her health.

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post #70 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 12:58 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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Originally Posted by chillymorn69 View Post
I think you don't desire your husband because of multiple factors.

1) your on the pill for a long time and its noted for this
2)your husband sounds like a jerk and is not supporting you in your writings or anything else .
3) you resent him and his crappy attitude dimissing you with just exercise more.
4)you don't feel emotionally connected to him.
You seem to have left off a very real issue here. She has low T. Low T in a woman leads to low, or no, sex drive. That's a rather important point to ignore.


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post #71 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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So three times and no change did you change? Or did you both slip back to status quo.


I have changed and I was the only one who did the therapy.


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post #72 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

@TChousewife

I experienced some of this from the opposite point of view. My husband lost interest in sex and I think it was because his T levels plummeted.

I asked him to go get a check up to see if that was it and if there was anything that could be done about it. He would not go. He seems to have an aversion to doctors. But basically he refused to do anything to fix it. That's what hurt the most, that he would not even consider getting help to bring sex back into our marriage.

You have been asking doctors for help for a long time and sadly had some doctors who just bushed our concerns off.

Apparently your husband does not understand what low T levels do to a person's sex drive. That's his problem. And I don't think you can convince him either since he seems a more than a bit hard headed.

My suggestion is that you do not try to convince him of anything via words. Instead just do what you need to do. Start taking better care of yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get your T levels up. This is not just about sex drive. It's also about your entire mental and physical well being. So work on your own health.

He will see the changes. Then it will be his choice of how he responds to the positive changes in you. It is true that when one spouse changes, it often causes discomfort in the other spouse. So give him time.

I get that you don't want to try counseling. It often does not work. Instead I going to suggest a book that I think will really help you. I like self help books. Unlike counseling, they cut to the chase and teach you things that can help you. Pay special attention to the chapter about introducing change into your marriage.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis

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post #73 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 01:31 PM
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Cool Re: Hello, I'm new

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Hello there.

So I just found this forum and figured I'd give it a shot.

Okay, so I'm 34, have been married for 16 yrs with a 12 & 14 yr old. My issue is that back in March during my yearly physical I finally got an answer to a problem I've had for nearly seven years.

When I was about 27 I noticed that my sex drive had dropped and as a result added to frustration with my husband.

It turns out my testosterone levels are low by about 12 - 15%.

I'm hoping maybe someone here could either relate or help me figure out how to "Get my Groove Back" lol.


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You're definitely not the first person I've heard say this!

Talk with your MD and if it will work for you and is affordable or covered by insurance, then I'd say "Go for it!"

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post #74 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-17-2017, 10:02 PM
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Re: Hello, I'm new

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You seem to have left off a very real issue here. She has low T. Low T in a woman leads to low, or no, sex drive. That's a rather important point to ignore.
Definatly didn't mean to leave that out. Maybe she could exercise more.

The low t could be the result of bc pill.
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post #75 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-21-2017, 12:39 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Hello, I'm new

I added a bunch of information on my post "Feeling Better" about an issue that popped up and is bothering me and leaving me completely confused on how to handle it.


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