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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:19 AM Thread Starter
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How would you react?

How would you feel if your husband invited an old female classmate to come and stay at your home before checking with you? What if he also took days off from work and planned, in detail what they were going to do. He asked me if I was going to take a day off to join them, but because of work obligations, I couldn’t do it. It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.

Some of these places I have visited over the last few years with my children and their families, but my husband declined to join us for one reason or another. A few of these required a fee or some kind of admission, yet when he and I went to the area a couple of years ago, he didn’t want to pay the fee to get it. He planned the days – when I can’t get him to plan or participate planning in anything we do. He took pictures of her and I I don’t recall that he has EVER taken a picture of me.

Even our DIL commented that this seemed out of the ordinary.

Am I over-reacting? We have just been through MC and the therapist said she was not sure he had the capability to give me some basic emotional needs that I have, emotionally. Additionally, he has admitted that he puts money and his possessions ahead of me. Things have not been going well for us. Was he using her and this opportunity to “get back at me” for what he perceives as my lack of appreciation for him. Feel free to check out my other posts.

Neither one of us are spring chickens and been married for 25 years. Am I over-reacting?

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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:25 AM
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Re: How would you react?

I don't think you are over reacting. He should not be inviting anyone to stay at your home without your agreement to it. And then him inviting a woman? Nope.

This whole thing with him having basically a vacation with another woman right under your nose is not cool at all.

You need to put your foot down about his. Not acceptable at all.

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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:28 AM
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He's basically going to be dating her....while staying in your home. That wouldn't sit well with me.....at all!
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:39 AM
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Re: How would you react?

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Originally Posted by Katiebird View Post
It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.
Why are you not concerned about her?

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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:55 AM
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Re: How would you react?

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Originally Posted by Katiebird View Post
How would you feel if your husband invited an old female classmate to come and stay at your home before checking with you? What if he also took days off from work and planned, in detail what they were going to do. He asked me if I was going to take a day off to join them, but because of work obligations, I couldn’t do it. It is not that I am jealous of her, particularly after meeting her, but I am feeling slighted for a number of reasons. And to me, it is just the general idea.

Some of these places I have visited over the last few years with my children and their families, but my husband declined to join us for one reason or another. A few of these required a fee or some kind of admission, yet when he and I went to the area a couple of years ago, he didn’t want to pay the fee to get it. He planned the days – when I can’t get him to plan or participate planning in anything we do. He took pictures of her and I I don’t recall that he has EVER taken a picture of me.

Even our DIL commented that this seemed out of the ordinary.

Am I over-reacting? We have just been through MC and the therapist said she was not sure he had the capability to give me some basic emotional needs that I have, emotionally. Additionally, he has admitted that he puts money and his possessions ahead of me. Things have not been going well for us. Was he using her and this opportunity to “get back at me” for what he perceives as my lack of appreciation for him. Feel free to check out my other posts.

Neither one of us are spring chickens and been married for 25 years. Am I over-reacting?
I wouldn't be happy. I would change my plans and show up unannounced. Besides that he sounds awful, is he on the spectrum by any chance?
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 02:48 AM
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Re: How would you react?

This is true. My wife and I shared a girlfriend who lived with us on and off for 30 years but was in our bed whether she lives with us or not. We were a poly triad all in love and sexual with each other. I could and did have sex with just our girlfriend when my wife was not in the mood. Yet, I never dated her unless all three of us could go. Never in 30 years did I go somewhere with our girlfriend without my wife. I did go out with my wife without our girlfriend though. My wife never dated her girlfriend. Once they went to a concert that I did not want to go to but that is all they did, coming straight home afterwards.

My wife would not like me going out with females without her and I would not like my wife going out with males and females without me. When it comes to men and women being together, emotions can quickly result in making bad decisions. Does not matter what the girl looks like or her personality. A sure thing is always very attractive to men. I just know too many people who lost their spouses due to innocent sounding things like dinner with the boss for secretary day or a guy or girl attending a week long convention or seminar with someone of the opposite sex. Those things have a lot of drinking and partying at night. Last time I had a married women from work trying very hard to get me to agree to have sex with her. After a few drinks she would call my room and offer to do anything I wanted to her. I have had female clients tell me that they bought new lingerie and ask me if I would like them to model it and give my opinion as a man. Heck, I once had a very drunk 83 year old women at a bar, toss me her room key and told me to meet her in an hour.

So I do not think you are over reacting no matter what your husband says. It is so much easier to have an affair with someone you have an emotional bond with, like friendship, then a stranger. With a 50% divorce rate and a higher rate of cheating, why tempt fate and tip the odds away from you? I never believed in males having female friends when they are in a relationship. We are all genetically disposed to find a mate with a good set of genes to create babies with. That primal urge to reproduce which is the only reason for existence with animals and plants alike, is our strongest urge and even overrides our brains most of the time Guys like to just have sex with someone new and women want are very competitive when it comes to men. Must watch the TV show the Bachelor to see how women fight for a man they hardly know outside of the camera range. I have found that there are many girls who enjoy having a married man to show him how much better sexually they are. My wife has no male friends and I have no female friends and we are married for 44 years as a result. We either play together or not at all.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 05:04 AM
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Re: How would you react?

He is doing it because he is at a point in his marriage where he just doesn't care. Sadly you, his wife, are of such little concern to him that he couldn't even be bothered to consult with you before inviting another person to stay in your home. And to bring a woman into your home? Wow, that's ballsy.

As someone else said, he gets to date and have a little vacation with another woman right under your nose, and he's probably going to expect you to play nice and cater to her while she's there. Absolutely unforgivable callous disrespect toward you Katiebird.
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 05:34 AM
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Re: How would you react?

He is being a total B! I am sure if you invited a male friend he would not be so accommodating. Do you have any male friends?

Tell him how you feel. Do not cook for them, wash her clothes, nothing. Give her the evil eye, she also has some guts coming into another woman's home and going on trips with her H, doesn't she have any self respect? Make sure she knows you are not happy with her presence. Ask her pointed questions about her love life, why she doesn't have a man etc.

Do you have sisters, friends, in laws, parents, etc you could invite over, fill up the house, what about children? Tell them also, they will keep an eye on their father. Make it so uncomfortable for the pair of them. I am sure he would have some explaining to do.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:00 AM
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Re: How would you react?

This stinks OP, because when I read your post my reaction was the same as normal, obviously unacceptable.

Then I remembered that there is that one person that I could innocently catch myself doing a few of these things for. As a guy, I had that one female friend growing up who could hang as one of the guys. From almost before I could remember, grade school, through the teen party years, to our 20's/early adulthood and beyond, she was part of that core group of friends that made up all my fond memories. She was like a sister friend that I'd give guy advise to and she'd give advice on women. Now we're all much order, all have families, and I haven't seen her in years. If I suddenly got a text or e-mail from her saying she was back in town and lets get together, I could see myself innocently getting excited enough to offer to drop everything, mentally go off "family routine" mode, and try to make plans before checking with my wife. It'd be more of a knee-jerk reaction to the news as opposed to an action done out of disrespect to my wife (and something I also could do for the other 2 or 3 male friends that I grew up with...).

All that being said, even a knee-jerk reaction wouldn't be enough to invite someone to stay at our home without checking with my wife first. That's a whole different level. And unfortunately, appearances also matter. When you're young, no one bats an eye if you have a friend of the opposite sex. As an adult, it's a scandal that rocks the entire town. It's sad, really...

So long story short, it's probably a good idea to nip this in the bud before it goes on too long, but before allowing any jealousy to get involved, it could just be an innocent friendship thing that just got a little out of hand...
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:10 AM
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Re: How would you react?

Yea, sounds off for sure.

Ask him... why would you put effort planning stuff with her when you didn't even want to see this with your family.
I feel like you take your family for granted and its offensive to me the way your treating your childhood friend better than your own family.

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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:13 AM
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Re: How would you react?

No acceptable at all.
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How would you react?

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Why are you not concerned about her?
Not sure. He said she is opinionated. I found her to be a bit boorish. Maybe I should be . . .
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: How would you react?

Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw. He has had a really good childhood friend (male) who comes to our area every year or so, but has never invited him to stay with us or done more than take him out to lunch. They (he and his classmate) went to art galleries and stores that if he went with me, he'd have protested loudly or waited for me outside. Not sure what to think.
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 08:07 AM
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Re: How would you react?

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Originally Posted by Katiebird View Post
Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw.
Apparently, that's been your biggest fault for years and has gotten you nothing but continually disrespected and walked all over.

Quote:
I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that he really doesn't care and is checked out - as you all have said - and just go on. What a waste.
You posted this ^^^ about your husband back in December of 2016.

You also ended the thread saying you were done, done, DONE.

I guess you chose to stay with him even though he's completely disengaged from you in every conceivable way and shows you ZERO respect. I'll assume your reasons are still financial.

So Mr. Wonderful, in his never-ending quest to disrespect you and put the screws to you, brought some woman into YOUR home and is treating her like a new girlfriend and taking her out and showing her all the sites. Let me guess - you're preparing meals for these two fools when they're not out painting the town red, and providing fresh linens for her and anything else she needs during her stay at the KatieBird Suites. I highly doubt your ass-hole husband is doing any of the work when he has YOU to cater to his every need (and apparently, his 'guests' needs now, too).

I guess the day will come when you finally realize just how much of your life you've wasted on this selfish jerk, constantly twisting yourself into a pretzel to please him and hoping to 'win' his love. He's a selfish, self-entitled, self-important, self-absorbed, nasty excuse for a man and you know this deep down.
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 08:10 AM
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Re: How would you react?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Katiebird View Post
Thanks for the replies. I tried to be the "good wife" and be fairly welcoming, but the more I thought about this whole thing, the more it stuck in my craw. He has had a really good childhood friend (male) who comes to our area every year or so, but has never invited him to stay with us or done more than take him out to lunch. They (he and his classmate) went to art galleries and stores that if he went with me, he'd have protested loudly or waited for me outside. Not sure what to think.
Email her with a list of hotels in the area.Then ring her and explain that she is not welcome in your home.
Don't try to be nice,she certainly isn't.
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