I feel like I am losing my wife - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 09:57 AM Thread Starter
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I feel like I am losing my wife

If this is in the wrong section I apologize. New to this site and haven't read into ever subcategory. I'm typing this on my phone so if there are odd typos or auto correct I'm sorry.

For the last few months my wife has been acting like a totally different person. She is easily irritated, not sleeping, losing weight (from already skinny), not wanting to do things with me, not talking much to friends, going for very long walks, no interest in sex, doesn't want me to touch her, often sleeps in the guest bedroom.

She recently told me that 10 years ago she was raped. She was 15 and it was before I knew her. This is something that she has NEVER told me or hinted at before. We have been together for 6 years married for 3. The day she told me that she was raped she also went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given escitalopram. She said she was on similar meds in the past, before we met. She is also going to be going to therapy.

I feel like I don't even know my wife anymore. Or who she was to begin with. This is something that she straight up hid from me our whole relationship and I don't think I ever gave her reason.

I don't know what triggered her to be like this. It has been 10 years since the attack and she was fine for at least 6 years. She has been slowly telling me details and each time it feels like it's being ripped open again. I wish she would just tell me it all at once so we can move past this and I could help her.

When we met she said she was a virgin, which I do NOT care about. Do not twist my words. However since telling me this she has confided in me that she slept with one guy twice, then was raped by him and his friends. So she has had consensual sex before. I don't care that she has, I care that she lied. That being said, I understand it. I understand that she wanted to hide it or forget about it. It's more that she went above and beyond to stick to the virgin role. Acting more naive than she probably was, basically like she had never seen a naked man or penis in her life. She became pregnant as a result and aborted, she told doctors infront of me that she had only been pregnant 3x (with me). It's the lying that bothers me. An abortion could be relevant as she has had 3 miscarriages since we have been married (none recently).

Now our life is a mess and it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us. She isn't who I married. Maybe the meds and therapy will help. She says she doesn't know what triggered it. It just slowly came on until she couldn't take it anymore. At first I thought she was preparing to leave or having an affair.

In a way, right or wrong, I feel cheated because I unknowingly agreed to this. She should have told me. She should have felt like she could tell me. Does this even usually happen, someone being affected by a rape 10 years later after being previously fine? I dont understand how she can go from fine to this. This isn't something that I can't talk to friends or family about, due to the personal nature.

I don't know what to do at this point. I wouldn't leave her if she was raped while we were together so why am I even thinking about it just because it happened before we met? The affect on her and our relationship is the same. I would have done things differently if I had known she was raped. The first time we had sex was the first time she had sex since her rape. I think I should have been aware of it. I haven't been careful what I say or do, or what my friends say. I have a couple friends who often say things like I was raped or he raped me while speaking about a video game. My wife admitted that it always bothered her. She says she didn't want to be treated differently, but to an extent she needs to be. I have done things that upset her that I wouldn't have done if I knew.

In a way, it's like starting from scratch.

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post #2 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

Sorry to hear about this... I'm sure all she wanted to do was to block that out of her memory and when she met you, she couldn't/ didn't want to share such an awful time in her life. Sometimes it's easier to just bury it somewhere. But is has now resurfaced--perhaps with the miscarriages . The good thing is she went to the doctor and hopefully will do some counseling to help her heal and move forward if possible. Just be patient and when she feels like talking, listen. It's really the best thing she needs is for you to listen and understand. I'm sure it was very traumatic for her.
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post #3 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

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Sorry to hear about this... I'm sure all she wanted to do was to block that out of her memory and when she met you, she couldn't/ didn't want to share such an awful time in her life. Sometimes it's easier to just bury it somewhere. But is has now resurfaced--perhaps with the miscarriages . The good thing is she went to the doctor and hopefully will do some counseling to help her heal and move forward if possible. Just be patient and when she feels like talking, listen. It's really the best thing she needs is for you to listen and understand. I'm sure it was very traumatic for her.
I understand that it was a very hard time for her and from what she has told me I'm surprised she is as "normal" as she is, or has been. I feel that if she was ready to marry me she should have been able to tell me this. I don't think that I am necessarily mad about that she didn't tell me, but more upset that she didn't feel she could tell me. What does that say about me and our marriage?

She hasn't had a miscarriage in a year, we have put conceiving on hold for a while to heal and decide on the next step we want to take. It may still have been a factor. She either doesn't know what caused this to resurface or won't tell me, which I guess would be nothing new for our marriage.

She was in therapy before, following the attack, and it helped her a lot so I'm hoping it will help her again. She made an appointment but of course it takes a few weeks to get in. For now she is on medication but we have to wait a few weeks to see if it's helping at all.

I feel like I don't recognize my wife anymore. And our history feels like a lie. I know I shouldn't feel that way but, I do.
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post #4 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

While you are dealing with the expectations of understanding why she did not share her painful past, she too is dealing with the same in addition to having lived that painful past.

She was as ready as she could be... is it possible in your disappointment she is not meeting rules that you are putting into place for her?

If you are not a safe zone, she will desperately seek another as we all do in times of coping. It may not necessarily be another person so please don't mistake my intent here, but a withdrawal to a place she can find even a temporary sanctuary.

She carries a lot of misplaced shame yet she shouldn't, but in that shame she owns it all, she will need a lot of patience and compassion. I know you are suffering from this too because you can't know what you don't know and this is an unavoidable truth.

"In a way, right or wrong, I feel cheated because I unknowingly agreed to this". Ok, this is simply how it is... you were an unknowing participant.

That was yesterday, today you are a knowing one.

What would you like to do about it knowing all you can control is you?

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #5 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 01:06 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

I think you have to think about where she is coming from. Rape is a traumatic experience and one which many victims take years to be able to reveal and get help in fear of judgement, not being wanted etc. You should stop taking this personally and making it about you, it is not.
Right now you need to speak with her and tell her you will be there once she is ready to deal with the trauma, whether that is going to a therapist, etc. Encourage her to do this and be supportive, donít let her fears come become a reality, where you are more concerned about her not telling you and it being a reflection on you, etc, as I said it is not about you.
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post #6 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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My wife doesn't see me as a safety net. There are things she says she wants to tell me but won't because she doesn't want my opinion of her to change or for me to judge her. She thinks I, her husband, will shame her. If she can't talk to me about something that is clearly bothering her what kind of marriage do we have.

Today she barely spoke to me. She sat in a chair most of the day, silent and not wanting to be touched. Mothers day and father's day are hard for her because of the miscarriages but she has never been this bad.

If she won't let me in I don't know what to do for her. I came up behind her today and kissed her neck and she started crying and didn't want me to touch her after that.

She won't tell me what the he'll happened to cause this 10 years after the fact. She won't tell me what I do right or wrong. We won't get anywhere.
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post #7 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:24 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?

ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?
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post #8 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:50 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

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I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?

ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?
This is something that needs to be honestly investigated. There are just too many warning signs to be ignored or brushed off.
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post #9 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:54 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

That being said, I will add two more things -

- the first is you are doing the right thing by deferring any further discussions of trying to conceive at this time. There are too many unknowns and too many issues to address before bringing more mouths to feed into the mix. A baby will cause MORE issues and chaos and will not fix a thing.

- This is out of the realm of strangers on an internet forum. This is a complex and potentially volatile situation that needs a multi-disciplinary approach involving medical doctors, therapists and marital counselors. Don't try to treat brain cancer with wive's tales and folk remedies here.
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post #10 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:12 PM Thread Starter
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I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?

ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?
When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence.

She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city.

She is attached to her phone. It goes everywhere with her and she doesn't really like me using it.

This started with her pulling back slowly and being very irritable. Followed by not wanting to kiss, not wanting sex, not wanting to go out. I haven't gone away, nothing in our routine has changed.

She went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for depression and anxiety and a referral for therapy. You can't make up mental health conditions and be diagnosed. If she hadn't seen the doctor maybe I'd still wonder about cheating.

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post #11 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:27 PM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

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Originally Posted by rawlyk View Post
When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence.

She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city.

She is attached to her phone. It goes everywhere with her and she doesn't really like me using it.

This started with her pulling back slowly and being very irritable. Followed by not wanting to kiss, not wanting sex, not wanting to go out. I haven't gone away, nothing in our routine has changed.

She went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for depression and anxiety and a referral for therapy. You can't make up mental health conditions and be diagnosed. If she hadn't seen the doctor maybe I'd still wonder about cheating.
There is a lot going on here.

You are right that your wife clearly has depresson and anxiety as she is getting help for it.

But having those does not mean that she is not also cheating. She might not be cheating. Or she might be.

Since you now know that she has a history of hiding some pretty important things from you and even lying about these things, you know that she has a propensity to lie. There is a reason why she has suddenly now decided that now she can slowly tell you the truth about some things in her past. So something changed or happened to her about the time she changed. I think you need to do some looking to see if you can figure that out.

Cheating is definitely something that could be a catalyst. Her new revelations could be her way to creating the distance she needs from you to justify it.

You might want to at least look at her cell phone bill and see if there is a number that she is often in contact with. That would be a start.

Also, I think that there is a reason why she is tickle truthing you about the rape and other things. She does not feel safe. So she's testing the waters. The best thing you could do right now is be empathetic and listen when she shares. Over time she might learn to trust you. Remember that if the only thing going on is her dealing with the rape, she is most likely her own harshest judge. It might be herself that she does not trust. The voices in her head might be what is judging her and preventing her from opening up.

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post #12 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:51 AM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

I can't believe I am about to write this, and I will probably get blasted for it, but this situation seems off to me. Your gut intuition is guiding you the right way, and you know this situation better than anyone. I agree with you, I would be very upset by all the lies she has told. I tend to think she is covering up something else, such as an affair, and perhaps using this as a diversionary tactic. Being a victim of a sexual crime doesn't excuse one from being honest with their spouse. She didn't just omit info, she decieved you over a very long period of time by "going above and beyond to play the virgin role." You feel like your life is a lie, because it sounds like a lot of it is. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I hope in the long run it works out best for all involved.

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #13 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 02:02 AM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

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Originally Posted by rawlyk View Post
When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence.

She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city.

She is attached to her phone. It goes everywhere with her and she doesn't really like me using it.

This started with her pulling back slowly and being very irritable. Followed by not wanting to kiss, not wanting sex, not wanting to go out. I haven't gone away, nothing in our routine has changed.

She went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for depression and anxiety and a referral for therapy. You can't make up mental health conditions and be diagnosed. If she hadn't seen the doctor maybe I'd still wonder about cheating.

OK, rape trauma is one thing, disappearing for 2 hours on walks is definitely another.
Investigate, take time off and follow her or pay a PI to do it. Something doesn't sound right at all. I'm sorry. She may well have cheated/cheating and is so confused and muddled is using her past to explain her present - cheaters do that sometimes so they do not have to confront what they are doing and take responsibility.
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post #14 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 02:38 AM
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Re: I feel like I am losing my wife

No kids. Unless she was activly trying to get help. And keeping me abreast on how shes feeling i would think about leaving.
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post #15 of 49 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 07:37 AM Thread Starter
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There is a lot going on here.

You are right that your wife clearly has depresson and anxiety as she is getting help for it.

But having those does not mean that she is not also cheating. She might not be cheating. Or she might be.

Since you now know that she has a history of hiding some pretty important things from you and even lying about these things, you know that she has a propensity to lie. There is a reason why she has suddenly now decided that now she can slowly tell you the truth about some things in her past. So something changed or happened to her about the time she changed. I think you need to do some looking to see if you can figure that out.

Cheating is definitely something that could be a catalyst. Her new revelations could be her way to creating the distance she needs from you to justify it.

You might want to at least look at her cell phone bill and see if there is a number that she is often in contact with. That would be a start.

Also, I think that there is a reason why she is tickle truthing you about the rape and other things. She does not feel safe. So she's testing the waters. The best thing you could do right now is be empathetic and listen when she shares. Over time she might learn to trust you. Remember that if the only thing going on is her dealing with the rape, she is most likely her own harshest judge. It might be herself that she does not trust. The voices in her head might be what is judging her and preventing her from opening up.
When her behaviour change first started I was sure that she was having an affair, or wanted out. I checked her phone and didn?t find any contacts I didn?t recognize, text conversations other than her regular ones or anything on Facebook. I checked her email and didn?t find anything. I just checked the call logs and didn?t find any number that she has been calling a lot.

She sleeps with her phone with her, either in her hand tucked into her chest or under her pillow. If I ask to use her phone to look something up, text someone or use it as a remote (for our tv) sometimes she is fine with it and sometimes she says she doesn?t have it on her or it?s dead. She is the same with her laptop. She created a separate account with the same background and username for me to use and assumed I wouldn?t notice. She also seems to hide it when she isn?t home as I have looked for it and couldn?t find it. She generally only uses it in bed, so it shouldn?t venture far from there.

She does have a history of lying and is able to lie seemingly very easily. I find it hard to trust what she says when so much of our past has been fabricated. I don?t want to confront her again and ask if she is having an affair if she really isn?t. If all that is going on is her difficulties with her rape then I don?t want to make that worse. If she isn?t having an affair then she is hiding something else.

I do think she is testing the waters with what she tells me regarding her rape. At first it was just that she was raped and left it at that. Then more, and debatably worse, details started leaking out slowly. If I reacted at all she pulled back a bit. Whatever she wants to tell me she doesn?t trust me to know or trust that she won?t be judged.
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