Husband or Me? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:51 AM Thread Starter
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Husband or Me?

Hello Everyone! I am new here but have been reading for a long tome and really enjoy all your advice! I need some of my own now...I have been married for 2 years and it has been great. In the beginning my husband seemed to be the very jealous type (in a good way) he would check up on me every few hours and make sure I am ok. It made me feel special. It was the "overbearing" type of thing to me. Now he doesn't seem to care as much. So I am taking it as he doesn't care as me for me. He doesn't check up on me as much as he used to. I asked him why and he said "cause your with me all the time". Which isn't true. He works, and right now I just finished school, so I am home all day. I could very well be screwing around of I wanted. But that's not me. I guess I am taking offense a bit because he was all up in his ex wives business, checking on her all the time cause she cheated and he doesn't me. (don't take me wrong, I DONT want a crazy guy) Just makes me feel less loved I guess. Or maybe he trusts me?

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:03 AM
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You ever consider that he trust You? He came out of a marriage where he was cheated on so he was proactive about not letting that happen again. Now that he has been with you for some time he has relaxed knowing you are trust worthy.

I think you're creating an problem where none exist.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Husband or Me?

It sounds like he's moved on from that baggage of his past adulterous marriage and has learned to trust you.

If you're feeling less prescious to him maybe find other ways he can show you he cares.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:15 AM
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Re: Husband or Me?

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Originally Posted by khanhhoa View Post
Hello Everyone! I am new here but have been reading for a long tome and really enjoy all your advice! I need some of my own now...I have been married for 2 years and it has been great. In the beginning my husband seemed to be the very jealous type (in a good way) he would check up on me every few hours and make sure I am ok. It made me feel special. It was the "overbearing" type of thing to me. Now he doesn't seem to care as much. So I am taking it as he doesn't care as me for me. He doesn't check up on me as much as he used to. I asked him why and he said "cause your with me all the time". Which isn't true. He works, and right now I just finished school, so I am home all day. I could very well be screwing around of I wanted. But that's not me. I guess I am taking offense a bit because he was all up in his ex wives business, checking on her all the time cause she cheated and he doesn't me. (don't take me wrong, I DONT want a crazy guy) Just makes me feel less loved I guess. Or maybe he trusts me?
You could be cheating even if he was calling you all the time.

He was in his ex's business after she cheated. That's because he did not trust her. It's normal for a BS to be hyper vigilant towards their WS for a long time.

I agree with the others. Your husband has learned to trust again. Be glad that he trusts you.

If you want to talk to him once or twice during the work day, you call him.

How is the rest of your marriage?

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?

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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:23 AM
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Re: Husband or Me?

I agree with all the other posters, one more thing, you probably have too much time on your hands.

If you have, consider getting a part time/full time job or doing some charity work, when you are home alone it makes for some boredom so you may be placing the responsibility on your H to follow up with you all the time. Be glad he trusts you!

Are you going to work, now that you have finished studies?
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:26 AM
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Re: Husband or Me?

Normal, healthy, trustworthy couples do not "check up" on each other throughout the normal day.

Yes, someone 'could' be cheating at any given moment, but if they haven't given someone a reason not to trust them, then there is no reason that their partner should check up on them all the time.

Both constant checking up as well as the need to checked up on are signs of insecurity and maladaption.

That being said, mate-guarding does have a role in a relationship and it does make one feel valued and secure to have a partner that is concerned about their well being and safety as well as not wanting other people to screw them.

But like all things in life, it is a matter of degrees. If you are at an adult cocktail party and your partner comes over to join the conversation when you are talking to an attractive member of the opposite sex, that is one thing and it may make you feel appreciated and valued.

But it is whole other realm when you have someone calling you throughout the day and checking the odometer etc when you come home from the grocery store when there has been no history of infidelity.

from what you have described here, IMHO you are the one a little out of kilter here.

This is assuming he is not completely ignoring you and abandoning you in all other areas of your relationship of course.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 11:47 AM
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Re: Husband or Me?

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
It sounds like he's moved on from that baggage of his past adulterous marriage and has learned to trust you.
Consider yourself blessed with this probability, many carry this baggage far longer than healthy for them or any future relationship.

Congratulations on your degree, may you find a rewarding job that makes a difference and in a husband that kicked that suffering of mistrust out of his life.

नमस्ते 🙏
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 03:09 PM
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Re: Husband or Me?

Sounds like your husband trusts you. I assume that when you were in school that you devoted a lot of time and thought on it. Now that you're home all day,do you feel at loose ends with maybe a little too much time on your hands? Is there anxiety about what is next for you now that school is over? A little less control in your life?

"Truth is like the sun,you can shut it out for a time,but it ain't going away"-Elvis
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 03:23 PM
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Re: Husband or Me?

There's every possibility that after several years, your husband has got to know you enough to trust you. Rejoice that he thinks highly of you.
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