Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Hey guys I am new here and want to introduce myself but aside from that a big thing happened whilst on holiday last night that I need advice on.

To cut a long story short I have been with my partner for 3 years and we are due to get married next August. This weekend we were on holiday with friends. Whilst a sunset stroll to the beach my partner decided to go for a dip and left his belongings with me and the gang went with. I was drunk and being overweight decided to instead of embarrass myself trying to get up the high sand hills I would beat them and meet them at the top. My car keys were in his shoes and the sunset went quite quickly leaving us in pitch black, it took 5 males to go and find them and my partner was cold wet and very angry. I then with another friend got lost in the dark and couldn't find the campsite. When I arrived back my partner heavily intoxicated as was I, was calling my every name under the sun. Dumb *****, lard a** and even fat cow. I was heart broken and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. My partner has never ever called me anything before and shocked me and the worst of it my friends heard. The argument and the name calling.

The morning after we didn't speak and I know he didn't know what to say. When we arrived home he broke down and had no excuse as to why he did it. He has never reacted in this way with anyone and I have never incountered it. He cried and said he would rather of died than to call me anything like that. He was angry but he understands I am heart broken and he was angry annoyed and upset.

I don't know what to do. He says he loves me with all my heart but how when he can break my heart with such cruel words. He can't stop being embarrassed and so not himself and upset.

I need guidance. I would understand if this was regular. As it would Be verbal nasty abuse. But what happened last night tore me apart. I don't know if I can marry this man I love anymore.

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:12 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Do not marry this man. My mother married a verbally abusive man and it sucked the joy out of all of our lives for 10 years. Abuse is abuse. If you marry him you will regret it. If you have kids they will also be subject to his tantrums and they may learn to pick up this quality. How would you like to see your 18 year old son yelling at his girlfriend in this way.

Proceed at your own risk.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:16 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Abuse is never seldom 'regular'. Usually abusers do so in a 'cycle'. Do a google search on "cycle of abuse". Here is just one of the many websites that talk about it.

Cycle of Abuse

What he is doing now is normal, after an abusive attack, the abuser become very apologetic.

Usually an abuser will be very nice, even too good to true, until they feel that they have their partner in a place where the partner will not leave them. Then the abuse starts... slowly. Once incident. And then the cycle starts.

If this is truly the first time he's done this sort of thing, this is the first test. The test to see if you will now make all kinds of excuses for him; stuff your own feelings and allow your self esteem to be diminished; and continue on.

Last night, your fiancé finally let you see who he really is. Believe him. If you do not end this relationship now, you can pretty much expect this to be the rest of your life. Is that really what you want?

Here is a book that you probably should read...............


Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft

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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:28 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

This is exactly why I wonder why Alcohol is even legal.
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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

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This is exactly why I wonder why Alcohol is even legal.
Well, most people do not act like then when they drink.

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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 05:44 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Most people do not act like themselves when they drink. This case is a series of drunken mistakes. I would look into the couples relationship with drink before I tried to fix their relationship with each other.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:30 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Why not do both?
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:35 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Proceed with caution. At the very least, postpone the wedding for now.

Your fiance has shown you his true colours - this is who he is. When he drinks too much, the alcohol lowers his inhibitions and self control so the real him comes out. What you saw lastnight is the real him.

Not sure I could get past that either. My husband and I have argued, sure. But neither of us have ever said things like that.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 06:39 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

My last relationship started out like this. Things were amazing, then there were some jokes about my body, then full on verbal attacks. I made excuses for him, he was in a bad mood, I did something to deserve it...blah blah blah.
Over the course of 2 years there were many highs and lows and I loved this man deeply, but it escalated into a violent situation where I was beaten very badly.

Lots of people say things that they do not mean when they are angry, these things can be amplified when drunk.

You have been together for 3 years. Is this the first time that it happened? If it is, I would proceed forward but with a lot of caution.


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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 07:15 PM
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Frankly the behavior is unacceptable, drunk or sober or angry makes no difference. Words were used as a weapon to cause you as much pain as possible, by the very person you should trust not to hurt you. Each time the nastiness will come quicker, and probably get uglier.
To me it would be a deal breaker.

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 09:29 PM
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Cool Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Postpone the wedding and schedule a serious "Come to Jesus Meeting" with him!

Accordingly, I don't think there's much that he can ever offer up to you that would really make you want to stay with him!

No man, drunken or not, never abuses anyone, more especially his wife-to-be, in this uncaring and hurtful fashion!

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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:18 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

oh, I agree both relationships need some investigation, I just don't think any real progress can be made in the personal relationship without a good understanding of the drug abuse.

Now I know I'm exceptionally hard on alcohol, Part of that is that I am a non user. So in a way I don't understand it. But as an outsider I can clearly see the path of destruction it leaves in the lives of it's abusers. Really open water swimming, in the dark, under the influence? To me that is the definition of "out of control".
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-18-2017, 10:58 PM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Here's the thing about this feeling that this is only one time.

Humiliating your partner is no way to love somebody. Drunk or not. People get mad, and say a mean things or two. It's a rare person who humiliates the one they love in front of others.

Proceed with caution. Don't lower your standards for anyone. Never love someone enough to let them abuse you.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 12:17 AM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

Your partner was just telling you how he feels about you, the alcohol in combination with his anger removed his inhibition to hide the fact that he thinks you are all of the things he said.

If I were you, I would let him go.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 08:30 AM
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Re: Do I forgive and forget? Or do I cancel the wedding and leave?

I was married for many years to a man who would only very occasionally become very mean and cruel when he drank. It wasn't until the final year of our marriage that I realized that all the terrible things he would say to me during those 'it only happens once every 3-5 years' drunken rages, were how he really felt. He was just able to keep control of himself most of the time because he knew those weren't things he should say out loud. But he still felt them, thought them, and they formed the ways he interacted with me and treated me. Mostly in subtle ways at first, but increasingly as the years wore on. He said he loved me, and he enjoyed all the advantages that being married to me afforded him, but the truth is that he didn't actually like me very much.

Alcohol rarely actually changes people. Alcohol does not manufacture out of thin air, thoughts and feelings that did not already exist somewhere inside the individual. What it usually does is makes them even more themselves. It removes inhibitions. It brings thoughts, feelings, desires, and behaviors to the surface that people are normally otherwise able to keep tamped down and controlled. I think the chances are very high that if your fiancé said those things to you, OP, that somewhere, perhaps very deep down, he has thought them or felt them. Even if he would normally never say them to you, and even if he would normally not even allow himself to entertain the thoughts consciously.

Whether this incident is a deal-breaker is entirely up to you, OP. But from experience, I will say that being married to a partner who feels like they've done you a huge favor - for which you now owe them bigtime - by being with you, is a recipe for misery. If you want to stay in this relationship, you two need to get to the bottom of what's going on with him and with your relationship. Don't find yourself married to someone who doesn't actually like you very much.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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