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post #1 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:12 AM Thread Starter
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Question Excluded from life at work

I have been married to my wife for 16 years and for the most part have had good communication. However, I am growing concerned that she has excluded me almost entirely from her life at work. She is a salaried employee for a large international company and works 50+ hours a week. She has been in her current department for 6 years and in that time I have yet to meet a single coworker. She rarely refers to anyone at work by their name and other than her boss never any of the men. When she goes to work related social events she only discusses what food was there, never who she hung out with, what the conversations were, etc. When I ask anything specific she is always elusive. Her employer is very family oriented and have a number of events where spouses and family are included. We have never been to one in the past 6 years and when I have shown interest in attending she has come up with excuses why we don’t go (did not order tickets in time, etc.). Last week she told me she was planning to go to a retirement party one evening. When I asked who was retiring she only referred to his position ‘one of the program managers’ and gave no details. I am just not certain how to take her continued exclusion of me from such a big section of her life.

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post #2 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 09:41 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

Show up to one of these functions unannounced.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

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post #3 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

I am a big believer in that honesty saves everybody's time.

Would she be irritated if you asked if spouses are invited to this retirement party and if they are you will happily be accompanying her and she should count on it?

If she is irritated or put off with you, there is a reason but you don't know what you don't know.

Assess her behavior from there... the more evasive we are with the truth, the more unmindful we react to keep it away from light.

You cannot make her include you but Far is right, at least you would acquire a foundation of beginning to remove doubt or confirm truths with your presence.

I know your are questioning the motivation of her actions to exclude you, but you are trying to see in the dark... you can't make her hold the light but you can increase the lumens of the one you are holding, and to sort the actual truths from the one's you might cling to in the unknown.

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post #4 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Show up to one of these functions unannounced.
No!!!

She probably works for the CIA, or the NSA....she's a spy and that is why she is so closed lips on what goes on at work. These work functions are actually times when she is meeting with her controllers.

Or

She is a polyandrist and husband number 1 is the only husband her co-workers know about. If you showed up they would discover she has more than one husband. Obviously, you'd discover that too, but she'd get fired and that would shoot you in the foot.


It's very strange that your wife is so compartmentalized keeping her home life separate from her work life.

Have you told her you can't support this extreme compartmentalism and feel cut out of a significant part of her life? Have you insisted that you accompany her to the next event, meet her co-workers, and allow them to meet you? Have you insisted you come to visit her at work one day and take her out to lunch?

You cannot sit around waiting for her to sense your upset. Ask for what you want and know that what you want, and why you want it, is perfectly reasonable. Unless of course she is a spy and then you must respect the distance she requires you keep from her work life.

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post #5 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

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No!!!

She probably works for the CIA, or the NSA....she's a spy and that is why she is so closed lips on what goes on at work. These work functions are actually times when she is meeting with her controllers.

Or

She is a polyandrist and husband number 1 is the only husband her co-workers know about. If you showed up they would discover she has more than one husband. Obviously, you'd discover that too, but she'd get fired and that would shoot you in the foot.


It's very strange that your wife is so compartmentalized keeping her home life separate from her work life.

Have you told her you can't support this extreme compartmentalism and feel cut out of a significant part of her life? Have you insisted that you accompany her to the next event, meet her co-workers, and allow them to meet you? Have you insisted you come to visit her at work one day and take her out to lunch?

You cannot sit around waiting for her to sense your upset. Ask for what you want and know that what you want, and why you want it, is perfectly reasonable. Unless of course she is a spy and then you must respect the distance she requires you keep from her work life.
"Her employer is very family oriented and have a number of events where spouses and family are included."

Really AP? A spy? I cannot tell if you are serious or not.

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post #6 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:37 AM
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Excluded from life at work

If you suspect an affair, keep it quiet and investigate or she will go further underground. There are many here who can advise on how to investigate.

How is your sex life? Are you frequent? Passionate? Are there any changes over the years?

Has she changed hairstyles? Clothing? Do you find sexy underwear in the laundry that she hasn't worn for you? Is she secretive when she comes home or change or clean up? Do you have free access to her devices and have you looked at them? Does she often have work related calls or texts?

Is she an executive and you a SAHD? Is she career oriented and you not so much? Could she not want to expose her personal life at work - many times people who are ambitious don't want their personal side seen - they feel it undermines their authority. Sometime they are just embarrassed of their SO because they lack ambition, say inappropriate things, etc

We need more context


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post #7 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

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Originally Posted by catdude View Post
I have been married to my wife for 16 years and for the most part have had good communication. However, I am growing concerned that she has excluded me almost entirely from her life at work. She is a salaried employee for a large international company and works 50+ hours a week. She has been in her current department for 6 years and in that time I have yet to meet a single coworker. She rarely refers to anyone at work by their name and other than her boss never any of the men. When she goes to work related social events she only discusses what food was there, never who she hung out with, what the conversations were, etc. When I ask anything specific she is always elusive. Her employer is very family oriented and have a number of events where spouses and family are included. We have never been to one in the past 6 years and when I have shown interest in attending she has come up with excuses why we don’t go (did not order tickets in time, etc.). Last week she told me she was planning to go to a retirement party one evening. When I asked who was retiring she only referred to his position ‘one of the program managers’ and gave no details. I am just not certain how to take her continued exclusion of me from such a big section of her life.
My ex (son's father) did this. He's a doctor. Turned out that he was having affairs with of the females working at the hospital who would fall for his nonsense.

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post #8 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:42 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

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"Her employer is very family oriented and have a number of events where spouses and family are included."

Really AP? A spy? I cannot tell if you are serious or not.
Clearly she was joking....


By the way, even the CIA has a lot of family oriented activities for people who work for them. My dad worked for them so that's how I know this.

Probably their super secret, Born types spies might not attend family events since they tend to not have family, but the rest of them do.

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post #9 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

It does seem odd. More often people get inundated with comments about people at work: "John Smith's 8 year old daughter Amy, just won 3rd place in the regional calligraphy contest. She wrote.....". When you've never met any of these people so its all meaningless.

I'm not sure why she would be excluding you from everything. If it were an affair, I would expect lots of comments, but just someone not mentioned.

Are you sure here work is what she says it is? Could she have a much lower status job than she is letting on and is embarrassed for you to find out?
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post #10 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

Maybe she just likes keeping her work life totally separate. Some people do.

I went to all my husband's work functions, met all the people in his office and he constantly talked about everyone he worked with. He was completely open about every aspect of his work life -- except for the fact that he was cheating with women who reported to him (just throwing that part out there in case that thought has crossed your mind).

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post #11 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 10:46 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

How long has she worked for this employer?

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post #12 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 11:05 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

If it's bothering you, then try to get more info. If she's evasive, then you can start to worry.

Some people just aren't talkers and don't give a damn about blabbing about what's going on at work.
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post #13 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: Excluded from life at work

There are some people, men and women, who cannot mix their work life with their personal lives. You shouldn't panic unless her push-back to your inquiries is really violent, and then you probably need to do some sleuthing. I do agree it is weird that she doesn't want you coming to parties that are open to spouses. In and of itself it is not proof she is cheating, but it is cause for concern and you should ask her about her reasons why she doesn't want you there.

I did know one coworker who hated bringing her husband to office parties, and I never understood why until he did come to one. Simply put: this guy was a jerk. He was an opinionated, pompous boor who managed to insult or irritate just about everyone at the party within the first hour he was there.
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post #14 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Excluded from life at work

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
If you suspect an affair, keep it quiet and investigate or she will go further underground. There are many here who can advise on how to investigate.

How is your sex life? Are you frequent? Passionate? Are there any changes over the years?

Has she changed hairstyles? Clothing? Do you find sexy underwear in the laundry that she hasn't worn for you? Is she secretive when she comes home or change or clean up? Do you have free access to her devices and have you looked at them? Does she often have work related calls or texts?

Is she an executive and you a SAHD? Is she career oriented and you not so much? Could she not want to expose her personal life at work - many times people who are ambitious don't want their personal side seen - they feel it undermines their authority. Sometime they are just embarrassed of their SO because they lack ambition, say inappropriate things, etc

We need more context


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Thank you for taking time to put some realistic thought into my situation. Sex life does not exist. Until about a year ago we had a reasonable sex life but she now does not allow me to touch her in any sensual or sexual manner. No changes in styles, clothes or things like this but no longer wears her diamond ring, just the plain band. She normally changes right away, rarely keeping her work attire on for even a few minutes after getting home. I have no access to her devices at all and she tends to hide the phone screen from me when typing.
I doubt her personal life is an issue at work. I worked in middle management for two of the area’s more prestigious local companies before starting my own small management/consulting business. I volunteer a lot of time to local nonprofits serving on boards and committees. Her original boss (now retired) that hired her into this company was an old neighbor of mine who looked to me as a running coach to help him keep in shape. While I no longer run races I do maintain a reasonable physique, wear nice suits and own a tux for the black tie events I/we attend. I am fairly well known in some circles as a ‘go to’ man.
A bit of background not in my original post is that a few years prior to her current position She had a ‘shift in styles’, activities, etc. I suspected an affair at work and while she never admitted to it something ‘blew up’ about her and a male coworker that resulted in his wife contacting the company, getting security involved and my wife taking time off to deal with it. While I don’t know if there was a physical affair, I believe what happened is that she was involved with two men and one exposed the affair to the other’s wife. We worked through this and I thought things were fine until recently when she seemed to become extra secretive about people she works with. Am I fool to think her secretive behavior is anything other than a means to have relationships she does not want me to be aware of?
We are both in positions that for me to ‘just show up’ at an event she is attending (as suggested by another reply) would not be professional or appropriate.
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post #15 of 46 (permalink) Old 06-19-2017, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Excluded from life at work

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How long has she worked for this employer?
10 years
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