General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
We have been together 5 years. we are in our Mid 30's We have lived together pretty much from the start. we have been through a lot of good and bad times. Between us we have 3 boys. None of which are "ours" together,We show that we can make it through anything. He has text me over the past year a few times, we need to talk about getting married. Being a woman, i sent back "ok" and waited for him to bring it up when he got home. It never happened. thats why i said a few times, cause he would wait a month or two and send the text again. so finaly one morning i said, ok lets talk. well, basically he said he wants to get married one day, he's just scared if we get a divorce i will try to take everything from him, I assured him that i would not. Which im not like that anyway... but legally, the house is HIS. but then he proceeds to tell me that he cant afford to buy me a ring. Im NOT a materialistic person, but we both know that he could afford to buy me a ring. It sounds like an excuse. I just want the "family" that i have to be complete. Im ready for us to be husband and wife. What should i do. I know that regardless i do not want to live the rest of my life "in sin" that i want to be married and have a complete commited family. after 5 years... am i crazy to want this ? does it sound like he is making excuses ?
Call his bluff about the house and tell him that if his sacred about that then just to prove that you aint a gold digger you are willing to sign a pre nuptuial agreement so if you do get divorced whatever is his before you get married stays his if you ever break up. The big ? is why is he already focusing on the negative when the positive hasnt happened. I think you should think about what you want and if it is him that you want that life with. Also i think you should stress to him what you have wrote "is he making an excuse" and ask him if he is serious about getting married or does he just send those text to make you believe thats what he truly wants when it isnt really??
Good Luck
If you want something he can't give, you have some choices.
- force him/trick him/cajole him to marry you despite his misgivings
- wait patiently for him to change his mind
- work amicably with him to change his mind - I mean discuss, brainstorm, whatever
- move on and find someone who WILL commit
- accept to 'live in sin' with him and forget about marrying him
I would NOT recommend the first one. Guaranteed failure there I think. The second one - since he may never change his mind, you'd have to be willing to wait indefinitely, maybe forever, therefore I would recommend the last one over that one. The third one assumes you both have it in you to be honest about your feelings, goals, intentions, what have you.
My advice would be to pick a path and then commit to it. Don't change your mind too much or you won't get anywhere - you'll be back to 'default' which is where you already are.
We have been together 5 years. we are in our Mid 30's We have lived together pretty much from the start.
This is the problem.... when women allow themselves to SETTLE like this, it gives the man NO incentive to step up and make anything official. He is used to the status quo now. He doesn't see anything in it for him, he sees many men around him going through painful divorces loosing half of what they own likely. ..... kinda like this thread started in the Men's Clubhouse, read the replies by men on here, this is often how they think in today's society.
Thank you all for your replies. I have racked my brain with this the past year. I feel drained from it. and sometimes just feel that i should 'get over it" But then, i have to decide what exactly i have to "get over".
SimplyAmorous- I have read some of the posts in that thread. Im left feeling that there is no hope of us getting married. What is the benefit for him... ? i get it. the only thing that i really have on my side, is that he does believe in God and understands that what we are doing is wrong and that we should be married. but "should" and "Want" are two different things. I still want what i want. if that leaves me with having to make a decision that i really dont want to then i guess eventually i will have too. as much as i love him, my eternal fate is in my hands.
If you want to get married, go for it.
Be advised that a big ring isn't what's going to keep you together. It's all about the couple. Also, there are no guarantees in life.
Also, it sounds like you guys communication problems (texting about marriage? and then not talking about it cause he didn't bring it up?) Work on that.
if you guys are ready, go for it. You only get one life so you might as well do the things you want to in it, right?
It sounds to me like classic fear of commitment. As for "what's in it for him" you can start with his being able to show the world the strength of his character and his commitment to you, himself and your kids. That should be worth something to him I would think.
I do not care about a big ring. the only reason i brought that up was becaue i think that he uses that as an excuse. I could care less if we just had $50 wedding bands from WAL MART! I would love to just GO FOR IT... but i cant marry my self. lol. I agree about the communication problem. texting about marriage... aggravating. I think he gets embarrased talking about it face to face. i really dont know.
Take the family on a trip to Las Vegas. Firmly guide your reluctant man through the (relatively simple) process of tying the knot. Don't take no for an answer. Don't be afraid of a couple drinks, but don't get drunk. The only risk is to your fragile ego, no matter what you won't be any worse off than you are now
Fer gosh sakes, DO NOT attempt to force a renter into being a buyer. Worst error/idea EVER.
Dr. Harley has a great analogy of potential mate, renters, buyers and freeloaders. It is very concise and to the point.
So, your boyfriend is renting the car,
He drives it daily. He is willing to put enough gas into it to, and milage onto it to get him through the week.
He, once in awhile, will kick the tires and say he is thinking about buying the car. He is going to bloviate about a purchase.....but he is afraid the car will turn out to be a "lemmon".
Hems and haws, tells the dealership that he will buy it "someday".
Don't sell yourself short. IF you want a boyfrined, by all means - love him and this life to death. If you want more, -- if you really want the "whole package"-- I am sorry....
You need to find a man who will offer it.
.....Did I say NEVER trick, force, trap, conjole or otherwise make the marriage descision for another human being. The divorce boards are ALL FULL of those type of relationships.
And, if he really wants to share his life and heart.. his stupid home should be involved, too.
He is afraid of "losing" something? Equity? ... big f'in deal. Without even getting divorced, I lost $300K in equity on my home in the last 4 years (due to the market and area forclosures.)
.........That is JUST THE WAY life goes. ( No one promised me 100% security in property values. There is no asurance that things are going to turn out the way you expect. Ever.)
Ya, lots of people got screwed, not even kissed...
BUT............
I am lucky, I get to keep and live in my home, some of my neighbors were not so fortunate...
Modern divorce really doesn't work that way. It depends on the state and the number of years married, but any loss to the party that brings their residence into their marriage is pretty much limited to half of any increase in home equity during the marriage years. Divorce is a relatively fair process in a completely unfair world and it usually works out best for the man.
I keep reading everyone's replies. Thank you all so much for your time , You guys are really making me think of everything. and THAT is why i came here and posted this. Keep em coming, I feel confident that with your help and guidence along with God's i will eventually make the right decision, for my children and I. and Even HIM.. cause if what the post says... he is just a "RENTER" to me.. then, I feel that i am keeping him from being a BUYER to someone else. I love him and want him to be happy also. if i'm not the one for him... i will accept it. our 3 kids deserve to be happy with a committed family.
Marriage to make us complete ? 
