Im really lost and confused. I feel like three years of my life have been ripped away and were a total lie. I feel really crazy, so I hope you all can help provide some clarity and if you can hold back your judgment. I know I wasn't perfect in this…
So 3 years ago I met this gay girl (im a gay girl too btw) and we go on a couple of dates. I get to know and love her friends and then she tells me she wants to just be friends. I respect that. But things grow more complicated over the next year. We stay up all night talking to eachother, i buy her tickets to nyc with me, we cuddle in the same bed, we tell each other our deepest secrets, we write long letters in the mail to one another. We hold hands. I mean i thought we were friends of course, but also growing into more one day. I told her i was in love with her. She didn't reply. We always say I love you to one another but never a direct I am in love with you.
A Year into it, she visits me in California where I moved to, on her birthday. I confront her on having feelings back for me and she denies, we argue and argue, get drunk, and argue more. Then she throws herself at me. More than once, strips down naked and literally jumps on me. I told her, after saying no several times, “please don't use me” to which she tells me she has feelings for me, she just isn't ready for a relationship. We have sex. She leaves town.
That summer I visit her in the state where she lives, where we are from. I give her 2500 for a car she needs, I buy her an iPhone when hers breaks, I still cuddle in bed with her when i visit, etc.
Then one time as I visit, i show up and theres some girl Ive never seen. Everyone knows its her girlfriend but me. I immediately leave and tell her she should've told me. It was really heartbreaking and shattering for me. We don't talk for almost 2 years. I told her she should've had the courage to at least tell me about the situation before I had to walk in and see it first hand. She stays with her gf all that time
We reconnect a few months ago, I go down and visit her, for a few days, but her gf is out of the state and out of contact for 6 months. and tbh I dont even know IF they are still together. She doesn't mention her once. not in passing, nothing. We sort of picked up where we left off, we cuddle in bed, legs intertwined, she reads me bedtime stories, etc.
Then she packs up her bags and life and hits the road, searching for herself, i guess. Living out of her car driving anywhere the road takes her…its a bold move. one that worries me alot, so we end up talking on the phone nightly for 4-6 hours. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we share deep deep secrets, she still never mentions the gf. Then she drives into california to see me for my birthday. Except when she's here, she's cold and distant. Then I overheard her on the phone talking about her girlfriend, and she says it loudly, so that I can hear it. After She asks me what is wrong, and I tell her she's never once admitted she had feelings for me.
Thats when she gets really upset and tells me she has made it clear so many times, calls me delusional, tells me I'm being petty, tells me that the only reason i hated her for two years was because she wouldn't be with me. It turns my world upside down to be honest. A whole reality I believed totally shattered. She says to me “Did you just think I was lying to my girlfriend myself this entire time? I never had feelings for you” I mention the drunken night, she says she was so wasted she doesn't even remember, and then admits she thought she could have feelings but that the way we argued, it killed any feelings she had. She says we just anger ****ed. I feel so used and disgusted i ever gave my body to her.
She ends up leaving before my birthday and I have to cancel my already booked destination plans because she got a job up in the mountains where her gf is.
She tells me I was crazy. She tells me she cuddles with all her friends, writes them letters, talks to them for hours on the phone, all of that. She told me I destroyed myself. I did this all to myself.
I dont want to demonize her, or think bad things, I want to find a way where i am NOT crazy and she is NOT someone who led me on. I care about her and the look on her face, i believe her when she says she never cared about me. She looked at me like i was a total psycho. I feel really really pathetic now, completely embarrassed in front of our mutual friends, how thirsty i mustve looked to them…I feel like i cant trust my gut, i cant trust anything in this world. I feel like everything i know has been turned upside down. I feel like having a complete and utter breakdown. I feel like giving up to be honest….
and this isn't anything but I couldn't ever get why she picked her gf over me. We have a connection no one else i know has. We laugh and talk for hours with great chemistry, this girl and her from what I saw and have seen, dont nearly. this girl has very little going for her, she works in a dog kennel, has tattoos everywhere, and is overweight and a bit moody and sophomoric.
I’ve always taken care of my friend, Im fit, attractive,I have a lot of success in my career ,i have a Fulbright (not that this stuff matters to everyone i understand), but i have a career very few find success in and its really hard to make it in, and this girl has always expressed deep admiration for my career goals, accomplishments, physical appearance, etc.
So 3 years ago I met this gay girl (im a gay girl too btw) and we go on a couple of dates. I get to know and love her friends and then she tells me she wants to just be friends. I respect that. But things grow more complicated over the next year. We stay up all night talking to eachother, i buy her tickets to nyc with me, we cuddle in the same bed, we tell each other our deepest secrets, we write long letters in the mail to one another. We hold hands. I mean i thought we were friends of course, but also growing into more one day. I told her i was in love with her. She didn't reply. We always say I love you to one another but never a direct I am in love with you.
A Year into it, she visits me in California where I moved to, on her birthday. I confront her on having feelings back for me and she denies, we argue and argue, get drunk, and argue more. Then she throws herself at me. More than once, strips down naked and literally jumps on me. I told her, after saying no several times, “please don't use me” to which she tells me she has feelings for me, she just isn't ready for a relationship. We have sex. She leaves town.
That summer I visit her in the state where she lives, where we are from. I give her 2500 for a car she needs, I buy her an iPhone when hers breaks, I still cuddle in bed with her when i visit, etc.
Then one time as I visit, i show up and theres some girl Ive never seen. Everyone knows its her girlfriend but me. I immediately leave and tell her she should've told me. It was really heartbreaking and shattering for me. We don't talk for almost 2 years. I told her she should've had the courage to at least tell me about the situation before I had to walk in and see it first hand. She stays with her gf all that time
We reconnect a few months ago, I go down and visit her, for a few days, but her gf is out of the state and out of contact for 6 months. and tbh I dont even know IF they are still together. She doesn't mention her once. not in passing, nothing. We sort of picked up where we left off, we cuddle in bed, legs intertwined, she reads me bedtime stories, etc.
Then she packs up her bags and life and hits the road, searching for herself, i guess. Living out of her car driving anywhere the road takes her…its a bold move. one that worries me alot, so we end up talking on the phone nightly for 4-6 hours. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we share deep deep secrets, she still never mentions the gf. Then she drives into california to see me for my birthday. Except when she's here, she's cold and distant. Then I overheard her on the phone talking about her girlfriend, and she says it loudly, so that I can hear it. After She asks me what is wrong, and I tell her she's never once admitted she had feelings for me.
Thats when she gets really upset and tells me she has made it clear so many times, calls me delusional, tells me I'm being petty, tells me that the only reason i hated her for two years was because she wouldn't be with me. It turns my world upside down to be honest. A whole reality I believed totally shattered. She says to me “Did you just think I was lying to my girlfriend myself this entire time? I never had feelings for you” I mention the drunken night, she says she was so wasted she doesn't even remember, and then admits she thought she could have feelings but that the way we argued, it killed any feelings she had. She says we just anger ****ed. I feel so used and disgusted i ever gave my body to her.
She ends up leaving before my birthday and I have to cancel my already booked destination plans because she got a job up in the mountains where her gf is.
She tells me I was crazy. She tells me she cuddles with all her friends, writes them letters, talks to them for hours on the phone, all of that. She told me I destroyed myself. I did this all to myself.
I dont want to demonize her, or think bad things, I want to find a way where i am NOT crazy and she is NOT someone who led me on. I care about her and the look on her face, i believe her when she says she never cared about me. She looked at me like i was a total psycho. I feel really really pathetic now, completely embarrassed in front of our mutual friends, how thirsty i mustve looked to them…I feel like i cant trust my gut, i cant trust anything in this world. I feel like everything i know has been turned upside down. I feel like having a complete and utter breakdown. I feel like giving up to be honest….
and this isn't anything but I couldn't ever get why she picked her gf over me. We have a connection no one else i know has. We laugh and talk for hours with great chemistry, this girl and her from what I saw and have seen, dont nearly. this girl has very little going for her, she works in a dog kennel, has tattoos everywhere, and is overweight and a bit moody and sophomoric.
I’ve always taken care of my friend, Im fit, attractive,I have a lot of success in my career ,i have a Fulbright (not that this stuff matters to everyone i understand), but i have a career very few find success in and its really hard to make it in, and this girl has always expressed deep admiration for my career goals, accomplishments, physical appearance, etc.