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Old 01-21-2012, 05:08 PM   #106 (permalink)
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If that were truly the case then you're pretty lucky!



I love the free psychotherapy! Childhood wasn't crappy nor was it stellar, and I agree that your childhood affects how you act/behave as an adult.

Anonymous forums are great for expressing quick judgments like "carrying on with this friend of 30 years is bullsh*t". I'll admit that admitting to 2sick that I felt uncomfortable talking freely is an issue that I need to address. And as far as the xoxo goes, that not how I typically end texts with this friend, but can refrain in the future.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....Check!
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Old 01-21-2012, 05:11 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do friends come before your spouse?

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....Check!
HA! I thought the same thing.
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Old 01-21-2012, 05:30 PM   #108 (permalink)
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The answer to the thread title is that in our marriage it is ... never.

Part of a marital relationship is being able to put your spouse and their needs paramount, i.e. above anything or everyone else ... even above you yourself. Yah - I know that can be hard for people to comprehend, let alone do and it works best when you have two emotionally healthy, stable individuals. But, it is the marker we should be striving for in our marriages.

My H and I have some really simple rules (our boundaries). We have no opposite sex 'friends'. We have couple friends that we do things with, we have some same sex individual personal friends, but we do not have the same level of intimacy with them as we do with each other. There is no personal one-on-one communication, nor personal one-on-one time spent with any opposite sex friend. We both feel it is inappropriate and even if we feel we trust each other, we cannot control what an opposite sex friend may feel and have in their heart. THEY may be untrustworthy, so we band together as a united front and by doing so we shield ourselves and our marriage from any impropriety. We appear as ONE to others, and it is quite natural now to simply demur and state "WE would BOTH be delighted to ..."

@ Bad News - you'll have to ask yourself whether you have the right 'C' word in this situation. Whether 2sick is really trying to be controlling, or whether she is really just caring ... and crying out for you to care about her and your marriage - to make them a priority in your life. I guess it comes down to that old chestnut of "I'd rather be right than happy." that you may be living by. I think you need to be getting to "I'd rather be happy than right." Someone above mentioned 'letting go of the ego" - that should be taken to heart, I think.

Maybe you and 2sick should go out together and read that great thread on "Vulnerability as a Strength" that SimplyAmorous created and then go spend a day reading through the Coping with Infidelity forum to understand how much pain even an emotional affair can cause.

Best wishes.
Thanks E!! I read it and LOVED IT...I will admit I gotta girl crush on you and Simply!!! You both have such good advice that I try soo hard to follow!! I truly would love to be at the level that you both are! We just got back from MC and the bottom line is that we both need to properly communicate with each other!! Now on to the other part of the night...going to the friend's house for dinner!!??!?!? Knots are in my stomach because I am trying to control my anger...kids will be there!! YIPEEE. Wish me luck!!!
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Old 01-21-2012, 05:36 PM   #109 (permalink)
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She's not being controlling. She's insecure and scared, which is valid in this situation.

He is holding onto this weird "I will win this" attitude that will ultimately kill his marriage.

That attitude has no place in marriage. You are both responsible for helping your spouse feel secure and loved. You're both failing at it and it's your own fault.

I don't know the answer, but I know an attitude adjustment needs to be made. Stop with the self-righteous bullcrap and see things from each other's side.

Why do you feel this is a competition? Something to "win". This is an argument that isn't worth so much drama, and yet you hold on bceause you don't like her 'telling you what to do'. So...she can't voice her concerns? You want her to feel like she has to hold things in because of how you'll react? Way to kill intimacy.

And 2sick, there isn't any more you can say. You've said what you need to say, so drop it. His actions will show you what he thinks of your feelings. So far, he thinks his feelings, and his friend's feelings, are more important than the marriage.

2sick, you cannot control anyone but yourself. So, decide how you feel and what you want and then do it. Don't nag him or argue anymore about this. He already knows.

Bad News, I hope you can get your head out of your behind in time to see how this is hurting your wife....the woman you vowed to love, honor and cherish. This is doing none of those things. Why? Just so you can "win"? Silliness.
I'll be tested tonight!!! won't nag but like hell I won't be keeping and eye on the BEEETCH!!! I hope he steps up and I've told him he really needs to think does he REALLY put me first and if so make your actions show it!!

Hope to respond tomorrow about our evening...If you hear in the news about a crazy woman going off the deep end....ya know it didn't go too well!
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:17 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Thanks E!! I read it and LOVED IT...I will admit I gotta girl crush on you and Simply!!! You both have such good advice that I try soo hard to follow!! I truly would love to be at the level that you both are! We just got back from MC and the bottom line is that we both need to properly communicate with each other!! Now on to the other part of the night...going to the friend's house for dinner!!??!?!? Knots are in my stomach because I am trying to control my anger...kids will be there!! YIPEEE. Wish me luck!!!
Well, I hope that you were dressed to kill and absolutely sparkled with effervescence, confidence, and charm. Nothing like shooting a cannonball across the bow, you know.
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Old 01-21-2012, 09:28 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Surfergirl,

Child abuse comes in all shapes and sizes. It can be sexual (the worst), verbal, or it can simply be neglect. The message the child starts to receive is that they're vulnerable - and those charged with their protection can't be trusted.

A child doesn't have the necessary emotional defenses to counter any of this, so they develop coping strategies. This is where many adults with trust issues come from.

But, it goes deeper than that. The abuse often takes the form of harsh punishment - or at least that is how it's perceived. So, these innocent folks grow to adulthood being terrified of making mistakes - of any kind. In fact, the punishment was often so swift and severe that even contemplating ADMITTING a mistake is so frightening, they're paralyzed with fear.

What's the logical defense to this? Blameshifting.

We all blameshift sometimes. But, on TAM you read story after story of people that simply have no conscience. There is no amount of pain they WON'T subject their partner to in an effort to avoid that fear of punishment. And they won't apologize.

They often "love" their partner. But, they harbor secret anger. Anger at any sort of authority/accountability.

You see an example of it here.

People that suffer from this must REALLY want to conquer it.

Most simply will not do it.
Thank you for that....it certainly makes things a little clearer in my own world (I'd like to speak more about it so I'll start a new post when I get the chance rather than taking it off topic here).

Back on topic.....

Looking forward to how the night went for Bad News and 2sick - all good I hope!
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:13 PM   #112 (permalink)
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ha! I thought the same thing.
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:16 PM   #113 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do friends come before your spouse?

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I'll be tested tonight!!! won't nag but like hell I won't be keeping and eye on the BEEETCH!!! I hope he steps up and I've told him he really needs to think does he REALLY put me first and if so make your actions show it!!

Hope to respond tomorrow about our evening...If you hear in the news about a crazy woman going off the deep end....ya know it didn't go too well
Good Luck to you!!
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Old 01-21-2012, 10:49 PM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do friends come before your spouse?

A 47 year old man should know how to treat a woman by now.
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:13 PM   #115 (permalink)
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I consistently warn anyone that will listen this time and time again.

Opposite sex "friends" is a big NO. No such thing.

THis thread is a perfect example of the trainwrecks this kind of nonsense can, and will, lead to.



Bad News, don't give up your female friends because your wife "makes you" or is controlling. Of course that would be wrong, your wife is not your mother, and you are not a child.

Give them up because you are a man, and a man takes care of his business.

And a man's business is his wife and his family.


2Sick, your husband is full blown in the affair fog. Cake eating, blame shifting, secrecy, lame excuses, the works. Don't take these signs lightly, and understand it takes a cold cold COLD bucket of water over the head to wake them up from their stupor.


I wish you well.
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Old 01-21-2012, 11:32 PM   #116 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do friends come before your spouse?

yea, that's what I don't understand.

Fighting over someone outside the marriage just ruins the marriage. Why not go into the mode of saving the marriage and doing all that it takes to do so?

These fights over someone outside the marriage is insane. This isn't HS. This isn't dating. This is marriage. It's not about control, it's about protecting the marriage.

By fighting over this, you basically say that this other person is more important than the marriage.

If you don't water your grass, it dies.
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Old 01-22-2012, 08:29 AM   #117 (permalink)
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Thank you for that....it certainly makes things a little clearer in my own world (I'd like to speak more about it so I'll start a new post when I get the chance rather than taking it off topic here).

Back on topic.....

Looking forward to how the night went for Bad News and 2sick - all good I hope!
Surfergirl,

Please pm me when you do, so I don't miss it.
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Old 01-22-2012, 09:35 AM   #118 (permalink)
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder.....Check!

Personality Disorder Test

This test covers the following Personality Disorders : Should give some idea is one it iching in any certain direction and needs some help, if nothing else.

Quote:
1. Narcissistic- individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

2. Schizoid- individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings

3. Schizotypal- individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

4. Antisocial- individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others

5. Borderline- individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness

6. Histrionic- individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

7. Paranoid- individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening

8. Avoidant- individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

9. Dependent- individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior

10. Obsessive-Compulsive -individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:14 PM   #119 (permalink)
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yea, that's what I don't understand.

Fighting over someone outside the marriage just ruins the marriage. Why not go into the mode of saving the marriage and doing all that it takes to do so?

These fights over someone outside the marriage is insane. This isn't HS. This isn't dating. This is marriage. It's not about control, it's about protecting the marriage.

By fighting over this, you basically say that this other person is more important than the marriage.

If you don't water your grass, it dies.
You would think that that would be the priority! BUT IT's NOT!!! He seems to go completely out of control when it comes to her. She greeted us at the door hi to me, hi to my daughter, hi to my son and hiiiii to h. Didn't notice it at all...I'm over reacting and controlling!!! He mentioned a conversation to her that we had in the car about how we dated when I was 13 and he was 16, kids that that was grooooosss. She replied ewe that was disgusting...no defense from him.... Later before dinner we were all teasing each other and the kids ganged up on him about him playing the flute in high school. She came over and stroked his cheek with the back of her hand and said poor baby..."oh that didn't mean anything...you are just so freak'n over sensitive...you won't be happy until I don't have any friends at all will you, you are so controlling..." I freak'n went the beetches house made nice with her for hours...I'm controlling?!?!? MC even has said that she is over stepping boundaries...but he said that H needs to correct the behavior...still waiting.

We just got into a HUGE fight, I admit I jumped up and got into his face yelling at how controlling he is and how he can't keep his word about anything...(he always says "I just changed my mind") He in turn physically pushed me away...I lost it and pushed him back and told him to never put his hands on me like that ever again!! I didn't initially think he was having an EA with this BEETCH but for him to escalate to this type of anger, I guess I was wrong!

I just don't understand!
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Old 01-22-2012, 12:22 PM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: When do friends come before your spouse?

She touched his cheek?

Your husband is cheating. He defends her over him.

So...well...you have choices to make.

Tell him to go to her.
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