Deployed Wife & we fight every day.
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Old 01-21-2012, 06:01 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Deployed Wife & we fight every day.

Let me start off with some background. I am the deployed wife. My H and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. It is my first marriage and his second. He has 2 kids from the previous marraige that we have shared custody of, boy 10 and girl 14. Our relationship with his ex is very open and amicable, and when it comes to the kids we are all on the same team.

I have been in the military for 13 years. He knew from the time we got together that I love my career in the military and I planned on staying in until I could retire, presumably at my 20 year mark. During that time though my military "deployments" or time away from home has never been more than a month a time. Until last November when I got selected for IA duty, in which case I have now been in the middle east since December.

I personally have been enjoying my time away from the family. My husband on the other hand has warped into someone that I don't even recognize anymore. He gets angry when I post on FB to other people or my own wall before posting anything to him. If I call him at one time one day and I haven't called him by that time the next day then he freaks out saying he was worried something happened to me. Its like everything turns into a fight. I feel like I am walking on eggshells from the other side of the planet. I have found out that he is very passive aggressive. It's embarassing for me that it has taken me this long to figure that out. And I feel it is compounded now that he has had to take on all the stuff that I used to do, laundry, dinner, baseball practice, wrestling practice, etc....

How can I be supportive without sending him into a passive aggressive fit? I don't want to schedule a phone call everyday, because there might be a time that I don't get to call and I don't want him to worry. This has happened in the past month and it ended up with me crying and apologizing for not being able to get to a phone. I also have given up Facebook because I don't want to forget to post to him first. His arguement on that is that I shouldn't have to think about it, that he should be the first thing on my mind. Which he is, but now it's because I am worrying about what I am going to say in our next conversation that is going to set him off.
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Deployed Wife & we fight every day.

First of all thank you for your service. I'm sorry for hear about your situation but I firmly believe military familes are a special rare breed. The sacrifice that you guys do for your country can be hard on family. Sounds like you H is insecure and/or having a hard time coping with your deployments. Having said this, some people like your husband seem to need constant contact with their partner as a way of coping with their anxieties of abandoment. Question though, did you tell him your career plans before marriage AND did he completely understand the implications of having a spouse with a military career that could be deployed for months at a time?

If he did know this before the marriage then its not fair for him to use childish passive aggresive tactics to keep you in line. Its time you had a serious conversation with your husband and establish clear boundries and expectations. You are who you are and he needs to accept this. THIS makes you happy. If he ends up making you quit because of his behavior trust me you will end up resenting or even hating him.

Finally, do not give up your dreams. I have known plenty of folks who put in their 20 or more and had a great pension and great stories to tell.
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Old 01-21-2012, 08:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Deployed Wife & we fight every day.

Thanks for your response!

He knew from the day we started dating that I am in the military and planned on staying in for the long haul. We talked about it extensively before we moved in together and before we got married. This is the first time that we have had to experience a long deployment though. Honestly I feel like he is resentful toward me for "getting" to go away on what he thinks is an extended vacation. And he feels guilty about not helping me out more in the past now that he finally sees everything that I was doing for the family for so many years. Only instead of thanking me for that, it seems like he is angry that I am not there now. With all that though, he still picks fights with me every time we talk on the phone. On one hand, I want to just not call because I get knots in my stomach just thinking about talking to him. However I don't want him to be even more angry with me. I know I should just "not take the bait" and in a perfect world that is what I would do. But being on such an erratic schedule and being tired all the time I honestly can't even tell that I have bit until it's already into the screaming part of the conversation. Then after I hang up crying, I wonder how the heck did we ever get to that point? This morning's fight was about what we are going to do when I get home, and at this point in time I don't even know when I'm going home, so why do we even need to fight about it?
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Old 01-21-2012, 01:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Deployed Wife & we fight every day.

You need to have a talk with him about this. Being a spouse of a deployed service member is difficult, yes. You never really know if your spouse is safe or not, and it can be a little nerve wracking to suddenly be taking care of things on your own. But it takes a certain kind of person to just understand that.

I deployed for nine months last year, and I made sure my husband knew that there were going to be times when I couldn't talk to him for a few weeks, or maybe a message or a call here or there. I was in and out of countries and communications were never consistent. You just have to make him understand that your time is no longer your own.

It sounds like your husband is stressed out and taking it out on you. I'd talk to him and tell him calmly what was going on and why it was bothering me. If he wanted to fight I'd end the conversation right away until he was ready to communicate more effectively. If you have to, tell him comm is going down for a week and take a break to gather your thoughts and feelings.
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Old 01-22-2012, 01:46 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Deployed Wife & we fight every day.

Thanks Tamgerine. It's comforting to know that I am not the only one in this situation.

I talked to him this morning for over an hour without a fight. We now have a code word for whenever one of us is getting upset that we can say and end the conversation, no questions asked.
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