General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like crap cause of it and talking about it does no good what so ever. I have a bunch of questions he doesn't want to answer cause he wants his privacy and thinks I have no right to ask. I feel like I am stuck
youre not stuck.
treat it as any other infidelity.
thats almost 35 a day every day, just to the 1 woman plus all the others to the other women.
how does he have any time for anything else in the day? including you?
Yeah and throw in his fb time. He does a lot of Texting from work. Or if he works a shift (it rotates every 30 days) where he stays up late he does a lot of Texting then too.. Very few texts to them based on the times are when he is around me.
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel like crap cause of it and talking about it does no good what so ever. I feel like I am stuck
No, you're not stuck! You have to do what is best for yourself and your daughter.
If you can make it work do so, but don't force yourself to stick around because you feel you must. Marriage is work, but, if you're the only one trying then you'll just be miserable.
I just got divorced, no kids with the ex. I stayed around for 6 years, I tried everything I could think of to make it "work." In the end, I knew he isn't going to change. Had to ask myself, if I could spend the rest of my life with someone like my ex and raise my (future) children with him. I couldn't do that.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying divorce is the answer (not in any way!). I just want to suggest that you might need to see where you stand from this point. There are many things you could do (counseling, separation, etc.) Perhaps check out the infidelity forum.
Like 2nd says he is in deep, which I see very problematic, and I'm sure you do as well.
youre not stuck.
treat it as any other infidelity.
I told him to me he was having an ea with them since he was turning to them for comfort when he had a problem. And then discussing us was way way out of bounds. He laughed this off and said I was taking it the wrong way. I know our time in different states didn't help us but turning to other women for emotional comfort was wrong. He is in the army, if he gets deployed when I need emotional support I guess a male companion would be OK in his eyes.
I don't have much advice but just wanted to tell you I know how your feeling. My hubby also texts a female almost everyday...tho not as much as yours. Its a tough spot to be in. You know in your heart what needs to be done but its hard to push yourself to do it. I too have tried talking and he feels he has done nothing wrong since they are "just friends". Good luck too you!
I told him to me he was having an ea with them since he was turning to them for comfort when he had a problem. And then discussing us was way way out of bounds. He laughed this off and said I was taking it the wrong way. I know our time in different states didn't help us but turning to other women for emotional comfort was wrong. He is in the army, if he gets deployed when I need emotional support I guess a male companion would be OK in his eyes.
Square, there are many supports for military spouses for these types of issues. If you prefer someone in person, I'd recommend some of the free help they offer at places like the base chapel. I'm not a Christian myself, but I received help from the base chapel where my friend was working at. They also put me in contact with a free marriage counselor. Just throwing some ideas out, and remember you are not stuck, you're just at a crossroad.
I wrote him an email explaining I thought maybe he could read it and have time to digest what I said with no yelling involved. I don't want a divorce I want to work things out but I was taught you can't always have what you want in life. Guess I'll see what happens with the email...
I'm sorry square, he's cheating. Even if it's not sexually explicit yet or a PA in nature (either is likely at this point). He's very defensive and he's going to be gaslighting you and accusing you of being controlling, cheating, manipulative, etc. because he doesn't want to stop.
Take control of the situation now. The more you let it continue the deeper he'll go. If he can't stop, think about walking. Do what you have to do to get evidence, but he's definitely over the line at this point. Don't appease him, don't allow this to continue without consequences. Sometimes walking or handing him the papers is the only way to snap them out of it.
I know it worked with my wife, the day I left is the day that she "wanted to talk." I like you, found thousands of messages between her and her "friend". Looking back I can't believe how naive I was, and also it was difficult seeing how badly she was lying to me. Don't be naive. He's already chosen this girl over you, don't let him actively cheat on you.
Emotional Affair Signs Checklist
•The ‘cheater’ keeps their ‘friendship’ secret from their partner.
•They therefore don’t share or talk about calls, texts, etc. that they receive from their friend, with their partners.
•They do all they can to hide those calls and text messages.
•When confronted by a partner, they deny any wrongdoing and may accuse their partner of being silly, of looking for something that doesn’t exist.
•They can even become aggressive when being quizzed about their friendship.
•Their responses are often centered around things like “he’s/she’s just a friend,” “he’s/she’s a good listener,” “it’s only about work,” etc.
•The cheater looks to spend more and more time out of the house with their friend.
•The cheater actually looks forward to spending time with their friend rather than with their spouse or partner.
•They tell their friend things that they don’t even share with their spouse / partner.
•Cheaters spend less time having meaningful conversations with their spouse.
•They are less interested in sex with their spouse or partner.
•They can sometimes behave in ways with their friend that they would never have done with their spouse or partner.
•They conjure up reasons to give their friends gifts.
•Cheaters can suddenly become more critical of their spouse or partner, e.g., the way they dress, the way they look, etc.
Well we had a real long talk about this whole issue, like 6-7 hours. At first he was real defensive and saying mean things like live with it or leave. I asked him if he would really rather me leave him over these random women who haven't stood by him through 12 years supporting him and pushing him to do better. I said i wasnt willing to keep competing with them cause it was a losing battle on my end and that I would leave him so he could have the private life he is so desparately fighting for. Every time I mentioned emotional affair he acted like I was crazy and said things like "so these so called emotional affairs" or "so I guess I'm having affairs with my guy friends to then cause I talked to them about problems?" I tried explaining multiple times about the emotional affair even showing him the checklist and it was pointless. I know he still doesnt view it that way and there is no way to make him see it. I told him about all his double standards and how he was doing things he said weren't OK for me. Specifically talk about us to a person of the opposite sex.
I told him we had other problems we needed to work on but couldn't get to those with these women in our way. That as long as he had them to turn to he would over turning to me. He said I have a problem with every female he knows. Which I pointed out some names of mutual friends that are women that he talks to and i have no problem with. I asked him why couldnt we make female friends that were family friends (has a husband and maybe a kid) not just his private life friends that according to him i have no right to ask about. He agreed that was an option and that starting over with new female friends that I was comfortable was doable.
In the end he agreed (kind of reluctantly) to stop. This morning he deleted them from fb, keeping the mutual ones. I'll have to keep an eye on it to see if he really stops the texting. I know 2 of the women work with him and he does text some work related stuff so there should be very few texts between them.
Well we had a real long talk about this whole issue, like 6-7 hours. At first he was real defensive and saying mean things like live with it or leave. I asked him if he would really rather me leave him over these random women who haven't stood by him through 12 years supporting him and pushing him to do better. I said i wasnt willing to keep competing with them cause it was a losing battle on my end and that I would leave him so he could have the private life he is so desparately fighting for. Every time I mentioned emotional affair he acted like I was crazy and said things like "so these so called emotional affairs" or "so I guess I'm having affairs with my guy friends to then cause I talked to them about problems?" I tried explaining multiple times about the emotional affair even showing him the checklist and it was pointless. I know he still doesnt view it that way and there is no way to make him see it. I told him about all his double standards and how he was doing things he said weren't OK for me. Specifically talk about us to a person of the opposite sex.
I told him we had other problems we needed to work on but couldn't get to those with these women in our way. That as long as he had them to turn to he would over turning to me. He said I have a problem with every female he knows. Which I pointed out some names of mutual friends that are women that he talks to and i have no problem with. I asked him why couldnt we make female friends that were family friends (has a husband and maybe a kid) not just his private life friends that according to him i have no right to ask about. He agreed that was an option and that starting over with new female friends that I was comfortable was doable.
In the end he agreed (kind of reluctantly) to stop. This morning he deleted them from fb, keeping the mutual ones. I'll have to keep an eye on it to see if he really stops the texting. I know 2 of the women work with him and he does text some work related stuff so there should be very few texts between them.
Wow great job! You stood up for yourself!!
Don't be mislead by his comments. It's very common for people in an EA, even if it was super inappropriate, to deny any involvement or that anything was going on. My wife said the same things your husband did after she was sexting him and sent inappropriate pictures of herself.
I hope your husband gets it, but you need to be SUPER vigilant with him for a while. It's very easy for him to go underground with this stuff. Get a keylogger, look at his phone records, not just his phone. GPS tracking and a VAR in the car is another good idea. Don't just look for the hard evidence, watch for signs of him up to no good. More time spent out of the house, him acting distracted at home, acting secretive, etc.
You can't follow him at work, and there's texting apps you can use on a computer..... I would definitely put a GPS in the car if you can.
Don't be mislead by his comments. It's very common for people in an EA, even if it was super inappropriate, to deny any involvement or that anything was going on. My wife said the same things your husband did after she was sexting him and sent inappropriate pictures of herself.
I hope your husband gets it, but you need to be SUPER vigilant with him for a while. It's very easy for him to go underground with this stuff. Get a keylogger, look at his phone records, not just his phone. GPS tracking and a VAR in the car is another good idea. Don't just look for the hard evidence, watch for signs of him up to no good. More time spent out of the house, him acting distracted at home, acting secretive, etc.
You can't follow him at work, and there's texting apps you can use on a computer..... I would definitely put a GPS in the car if you can.
He works for the government and the computers are heavily monitored he wouldnt be able to text from a computer plus some days he isn't even in the office but a car with just his work radio and cellphone. And depending where he is in the car he gets no cell service in certain areas. I also have access to his paystub website and know his hours and to match that up with when he leaves work and how long it takes him to get home. He barely leaves for work on time so i know nothing happens before work.
We have a joint bank account he asks if he can use money and pays with his debit card so i know where the money is going.I'm in charge of making sure the bills get paid and how much extra is left over from each check that's why he asks. So i budget everything.
The only times he goes out with his friends is during my trips to ny.and I would say that is probably 2x a week he goes out then and usually to the same bar or a movie with the guys if a manly man movie with stuff blowing up just came out.
Oh I have every intention of monitoring the phone bill. We have a family plan in my name. So it won't be hard to see how much texting to these women is going on and if i see it on the bill but nothing on his phone, there will be a BIG problem.
A GPS would be my last resort if his time lines didn't add up or he started acting really odd.
are you checking this off your fb account or his?
if its yours, all he has to do is have them block you and you never see them on his friends list or anything posted to or from them.
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We have a family plan in my name. So it won't be hard to see how much texting to these women is going on and if i see it on the bill but nothing on his phone, there will be a BIG problem.
there are pay as you go phones readily available at walmart.
thats what my ex fife used, stopped using her regular phone.
keep an eye out and get sneaky if you have to.
are you checking this off your fb account or his?
if its yours, all he has to do is have them block you and you never see them on his friends list or anything posted to or from them.
there are pay as you go phones readily available at walmart.
thats what my ex fife used, stopped using her regular phone.
keep an eye out and get sneaky if you have to.
I can check it from his fb. They are gone.
He would still need money to pay for the new phone and I know where every dime goes. Plus his super cheapness won't allow him to try and find away to sneak money every month for another phone. He hates spending money on food and we need that.
So for now I keep my eyes wide open and the second my gut says something is up I go into super stealth ninja mode. (It would be nice to have a ninja emoticon)
He would still need money to pay for the new phone and I know where every dime goes. Plus his super cheapness won't allow him to try and find away to sneak money every month for another phone. He hates spending money on food and we need that.
you would be very surprised to what length people will go while cheating.
i hope for you and the relationship he has stopped.
as you said, keep an eye out and get 'ninja' if you feel the need to.
make sure he doesnt change the password without telling you.
if he changes it, he should tell you BEFORE you find out on your own.
Re: How much texting is too much? 
