polekitten

I'm sure everyone argues about the housework but I'm really struggling. This is the situation, I'm hoping someone has some advice for us (or me!):

My partner works 5 days and I work 2 days. We have 2 children (5 & 1), the eldest is his step-daughter. I am studying a full-time physics degree course through the OU. We share a 3 bed house in the city, I drive my partner hasn't learnt yet so can't drive. My husband only earns a little more than me because I'm on a much higher salary.

The only things my husband does at the momentare clean the litter tray, clean out the guinea pigs, empty the bins and sort and put out recycling. I do everything else including phone calls, appointments, keeping track of school things, driving, all other hosuework etc etc.

Unfortunately he rarely does the jobs he already has when the need doing so I end up having to do half myself or the house isn't even safe for the kids and certainly isn't fit to live in. I am a little lazy myself but have been trying very hard over the past year to stay on top of everything in the house while he just appears to be doing less than before.

If I need anything doing I have to ask every time, he won't just do what needs doing and even then he "forgets" or makes up some other excuse. e.g. He wasn't well and had to look after the baby while I went away for 1 night. I asked him to do 3 jobs: washing up, pair the socks and clean the guinea pigs. He did the washing up but left the cutlery. I wasn't specific enough on what basket the socks were in and he didn't have time to do the guinea pigs because his friend came over.

Add to this we're just struggling o pay off wedding, honeymoon and other debts. He is due a refund of tax from 07/08 and his first statement was "that money is mine, I earned it" then he got pissy when I said it was better to pay the debts off than just blow it.

I just don't know what to do I've resorted to nagging which I hate and is getting me nowhere. I read somewhere I'm not showing I love him enough... seriously more housework will be done if I tell him everything is fine and have sex instead of washing up??? I very much doubt it.

Can anyone offer me any advice, I'm at the end of my teher and I'm going to end up failing a module or quitting work (which we can't afford to do). Help!!!

accept

I would say the housework is your least problem. You both need counselling and the quicker the better.

polekitten

Unfortunately we had counselling already It seemed to help although I basically got told I had to accept my husband how he was and not expect anything more of him. He got told that is what should happen too! Of course all that really meant was it gave him license to do nothing.

cgh

i know from the start when i got married and bought a house we divided the housework, my W would do the laundry and clean bathrooms, i would vacuum and mop floors and do my own ironing, this has been set in stone from the start. i also do the grass and bins. when it comes to the kitchen its as simple as who ever cooks doesnt do the wash up. it works for us, but westill have our problems around communication and going through a very bad patch at the moment, theres so much more to your marriage than housework belive me.

Stonewall

Nagging will not work. It will only make him dig his heels in. Everyone is different so not sure what it well take to get the desired result for you. I can only tell you he has to want to do these things for it to be a permanent thing. If my wife is angry towards me about something like that, I may do it but only the one time. However if she is sweet to me it makes me want to do it for her. as long as she uses that womanly wild with me I will move mountains for her consistently.

She learned this lesson a long time ago and rarely has to do much around here. I'm just like a puppy. Talk sweet to me and praise me and I learn real fast and will keep performing to get that treatment.

Good luck

Lovebug501

I'm going to suggest that you get and read the book the 5 Love Languages.

Nagging won't help you. How long have you guys been married? It sounds recent. Was he like this before you got married?

Additionally - as far as his tax return goes... if you guys weren't married when the money was earned, the return IS his money. Are the debts you are wanting him to pay YOUR debts from before you were married? I think there needs to be some balance to what is done with the money. Maybe take 10% as "fun money", use a portion to pay for debts, put a portion in savings... but you can only make a suggestion as to what to do with the money.

I know that where I'm concerned, if I feel like I've earned some money (like from a second job) and my H tries to dictate what I do with that money, I get very upset. He can make suggestions, but I feel like I should get the final decision.

No one should dictate to the other what is done in a marriage. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship. You can make requests, but not demands.

Read the 5LL, determine which language you are and which your partner is and proceed from there...