General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My H has a stressful job. I get that. His boss has decided they need to work 7 days a week for a period of time. Okay. I'll accept that. I don't like it. He works from home on the weekends and I have to somehow keep 2 toddlers quiet while he has conference calls. But I understand it's supposed to be temporary, so I'll try.
However, last weekend, we were going to church and his boss e-mailed him requesting some information. He responded that we were headed to church and that he would get it afterwards. Church ran long and he started freaking out - trying to figure out how he was going to "spin it" so that he didn't get yelled at. Why couldn't he just tell her what happened? Church ran long... it's not like getting her the information 30 minutes earlier would have made any difference whatsoever.
Now - she's adjusting the dates of a site visit (so they will have to go out of town for a week) and the adjustment has the potential to derail a much needed weekend out of town without the kids for a marriage conference. He would rather stress about it and cancel our plans than just tell her that we have this planned and schedule around it..
Why? Is this something singular to him or is this a guy thing? Why can't he just explain to his boss? Is she inhuman or inhumane?? He's never insinuated that she is an inflexible tyrant before the very recent past.
And I'm not worried about him having an affair with her. She's considerably older than him, they live in different cities and very rarely see each other. It's just like he's scared to have a backbone where she is concerned.
Is there a way to fix this or am I just doomed to have to live under this woman's whims for the balance of the time she is his boss?
Just shooting from the hip here...let me ask you this: How would you feel if he suddenly lost his job?
I definitely hear what you are saying, and family comes first of course - but he may be feeling that he needs to do these things to keep, for example, paying the bills? Wildly speculating here.
'marriage conference'. Is that something you both are looking forward to?
We all work hard to take care of our families. Your husband needs to keep things in perspective. Is this is first major job? If it is he is probably a bit gun shy when dealing with his boss. Also take into consideration of what is going on in our economy. Employeers are taking full advantage of the stacks of resumes they recieve on a daily basis.
Let your husband know that you are giving him full support. It is important that you are his sounding board for all his stress. You sound like a young couple. Once the economy improves and he has more experience he will have options.
Just shooting from the hip here...let me ask you this: How would you feel if he suddenly lost his job?
I definitely hear what you are saying, and family comes first of course - but he may be feeling that he needs to do these things to keep, for example, paying the bills? Wildly speculating here.
'marriage conference'. Is that something you both are looking forward to?
Continue paying the bills until he found another.
Yes. We are both looking forward to this conference. We've been through a very difficult period in our marriage, nearly ending in divorce. This is part of our recommitting and trying to repair and grow closer.
Wow, seven days a week. That is a lot. I don't blame you for being upset. It does sound like his bosses are pushing the limits because they know they can with the economy being what it is and everyone worried about losing their job.
I see your side of it but I also understand the pressure your husband is under right now It is a hard time for both of you. Keep reminding yourself that it is only temporary.
My daughter is working some crazy hours right now because of some special project going on at her job. It's high pressure now but she has told me that the fact she was involved in this project will look really good on her resume and earn her a higher salary in the future. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices now for gains in the future. As a previous poster pointed out - when your husband has more experience and the economy improves then he will have more options. Hang in there.
You said this schedule is temporary. Why can't you just compromise with that understanding... it will end after a few weeks or whatever. I get you wanting to go to the conference and all, but seriously, this is one tough month out of the year. You have the rest of your life with him to go to conferences if you want to.
If your marriage is in trouble, EVERYTHING else will be a distraction to getting it back on track. Not just his work.
We all work hard to take care of our families. Your husband needs to keep things in perspective. Is this is first major job? If it is he is probably a bit gun shy when dealing with his boss. Also take into consideration of what is going on in our economy. Employeers are taking full advantage of the stacks of resumes they recieve on a daily basis.
Let your husband know that you are giving him full support. It is important that you are his sounding board for all his stress. You sound like a young couple. Once the economy improves and he has more experience he will have options.
He's the client rep for customer care call centers. Not his first major job. But I know he doesn't want to lose it. He e-mailed me back after I asked similar questions of him and told me that he e-mailed his boss and let her know that this trip was pre-paid and pre-planned and that he was unavailable that weekend.
We aren't that young. Early to mid-30s. He's has lots of experience and is very marketable. But it's hard to find something you enjoy - even if you don't enjoy the people that you work for.
We both have busy jobs. Mine is 40 hrs a week. His is supposed to be 40 hours a week, but is now edging into 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can't escape it. We go to church, dinner, outings with kids and he's checking his e-mail. He has to log in to his laptop and make sure everything is "ok" before we can go anywhere.
You said this schedule is temporary. Why can't you just compromise with that understanding... it will end after a few weeks or whatever. I get you wanting to go to the conference and all, but seriously, this is one tough month out of the year. You have the rest of your life with him to go to conferences if you want to.
If your marriage is in trouble, EVERYTHING else will be a distraction to getting it back on track. Not just his work.
I hope its only a month. They recently "reorganized" and he was (for the 2nd time in a row) given the worst performing site. He took the other to the top of the pack and just as it began doing well, they stick him with the junk again. Then start badgering him because it's been less than a month and they aren't top performers yet. He has to work 7 days/wk until they reach company goals. I forgot to include that he's required to be on-site 2 weeks per month now as well. With the major push-back he's gotten from the site, it could be months.
I hope its only a month. They recently "reorganized" and he was (for the 2nd time in a row) given the worst performing site. He took the other to the top of the pack and just as it began doing well, they stick him with the junk again. Then start badgering him because it's been less than a month and they aren't top performers yet. He has to work 7 days/wk until they reach company goals. I forgot to include that he's required to be on-site 2 weeks per month now as well. With the major push-back he's gotten from the site, it could be months.
We are going to the conference.
Sounds like your husband is just trying to hang on. He needs your support through this, you're what's supposed to be rock solid in his life. His homelife has to be where he can rest, and recharge his batteries to get out there and do it all again. I know it's tough when you have a job as well, but with how this economy has gotten, everybody is on edge about losing their job... I bet even his own boss is really sweating bullets too.
I'm glad you're still going to the conference, but he's got a lot of spinning plates in the air. Do you want to be the feather on his nose?
Also, I want to add, multitasking is a womans gift. This sounds like a superfantastic generalization, but I honestly think we do it better than men do. Maybe he's having a hard time focusing on all of it at once... the job, your marriage, the kids.
Why? Is this something singular to him or is this a guy thing? Why can't he just explain to his boss? Is she inhuman or inhumane?? He's never insinuated that she is an inflexible tyrant before the very recent past.
And I'm not worried about him having an affair with her. She's considerably older than him, they live in different cities and very rarely see each other. It's just like he's scared to have a backbone where she is concerned.
Is there a way to fix this or am I just doomed to have to live under this woman's whims for the balance of the time she is his boss?
This is a question of priorities, your husband's and yours as a couple. If you both agree that your husband's job takes priority over everything else then you are on the right track.
If not, then some adjustments may be needed. I have written at length in this forum regarding a new gender bias in the workplace where unmarried or childless women are preferred over family men. This is what I'm talking about, more men are deciding their families are more important than their work. Employers see this and value them less as a class. You and your husband face some tough decisions.
Men are judged by their actions. That's what I tell my sons. I also tell them that my priorities are:
1) God
2) Wife
3) Kids
4) Work
When my wife complains about how everyone else buys more stuff than us and goes on more vacations and whatever, I tell her I'm doing the best I can and let it go at that. Because I am.
I'm glad you're still going to the conference, but he's got a lot of spinning plates in the air. Do you want to be the feather on his nose?
With all due respect - in this regard, you are incorrect. I know that you are basing your assumptions on your own experience and the limited information I have given.
Our marital issues were ongoing but culminated in him having a PA with my (former) best friend and me having a revenge exit affair. This all came out in September and we began reconciling in November. Now is not the time for either of us to check out of the process.
With all due respect - in this regard, you are incorrect. I know that you are basing your assumptions on your own experience and the limited information I have given.
Our marital issues were ongoing but culminated in him having a PA with my (former) best friend and me having a revenge exit affair. This all came out in September and we began reconciling in November. Now is not the time for either of us to check out of the process.
I am an excellent multi-tasker. Doing it now.
My apologies!! That's a hot mess right there.
Weeeeellll in that case, he needs to figure out a way to manage his time better with the cards he's been dealt. Man up!!!
Work Issues causing Marital Issues 
That's a hot mess right there. 
