Hiding things
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Old 01-25-2012, 09:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Hiding things

My wife is very critical of me. She does not like my friends over but hers are fine.

Many people have described her as being jealous of me. I have no idea why she would be.

On this forum I have seen many posts where it was said "if you feel like you need to hide it from your partner, then it's wrong."

Well I hide a lot of things. Most of them are silly but she would be scared, angry, ect if she found out. The fact I am on this forum is another thing I hide from her.

Some of the things I hide are trust issues. 25 years ago as a kid I attempted suicide. Obviously I failed. Nobody knew this, everybody thought it was a freak accident. I could have never told anybody about that it was so many years ago. But I felt guilty that I was hiding this from my wife. So I told her about that time in my life. Well it only took two weeks for her to tell my parents. The last people I wanted to know. They were great parents. They are getting up there in age and do not need to worry about if they raised me correctly. I wonder now who else knows.

So is it wrong that I hide things?
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Old 01-26-2012, 05:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hiding things

I have been in a situation such as yourself, when you say you hide a lot of things that are silly as she would be scared, angry, I know that, have done that, even to the point of neglecting to say I have 2 email addresses, but have come off worse for it as well.
My wife lives by trust and total honesty, and things like not telling her something when it does come out just compounds things I found, particularly as I had nothing to hide or doing any wrong at all, but just in my head felt like I shouldn't be doing it so ended up hiding it, but then as it goes on, the more that becomes hidden which makes it further difficult.

In terms of your trust issues I would say that in a partnership you should be able to discuss these kind of personal things together, but also be understanding about keeping certain things personal. It may well be your wife had a genuine interest of care when telling your parents, but it may also have been unnecessary, but that is perhaps a line that needs to be drawn when discussing things and the two of you can honour that.

I would say that you should not hide things, especially as there is no need, but you may have to sit down and talk openly about your concerns of things coming out, or that you have such fears of the repercussions and criticisms that you get when being honest.
I would also say that if it is the case that your wife is unjustly critical of you, that may need to be a point of discussion and resolution.
Best of luck to you.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:50 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hiding things

I could not live with someone who criticizes me. I find that belittling and wrong. Your wife has a big ego, selfish and sounds controlling. I personally would not put up with it. I'd put down my foot and set down rules, number one rule is to be respected. Your wife has zero respect for you.

My husband and I have a fabulous marriage. We communicate very well and we do keep to ourselves. My husband does not like others knowing his business, I respect that fully. We both have great respect for each other. We have no reasons to hide anything from one another. We are 100% transparency. The belittling is just plain wrong.

Good luck. If she doesn't change, your going to live a miserable life.
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Old 01-26-2012, 07:49 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I also have to hide things especially that I come on here. The trick of course is that she doesnt even know that I am hiding anything from her. She hides a very lot of things from me and is quite open about the fact. In a 'decent' marriage it shouldnt happen but one can one do.
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Old 01-26-2012, 10:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hiding things

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I could not live with someone who criticizes me. I find that belittling and wrong. Your wife has a big ego, selfish and sounds controlling. I personally would not put up with it. I'd put down my foot and set down rules, number one rule is to be respected. Your wife has zero respect for you.
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Yes to controlling and selfish. Big ego I do not think so. I think it is the opposite. Low self esteem and jealousy. Although I do not get the jealousy part. I have done a lot of digging, talked to a lot of her family that does not even talk to her. She was abused as a child, I am sure of that. This too is a secret that I am hiding from her. I think she does respect me but she is trying to protect her deep down secrets. That and she has ADD and will not get help.

This is why I exposed my own deep down secret to her. Perhaps she would open up. But she went to my parents and told them. She also told them not to say anything that they knew about it. So good intentions were not there. She does not know that I know all of this because it is a multiple layer of secrets that were broken. This information digged away at them until they thought that I needed to be confronted about it out of concern.

The walls need to come down on her end. I can not tell her that I do not trust her because my parents were not supposed to tell me. I want her to think my parents can keep there mouth shut so she tells them more. This is a repeated problem about trust though. She put our problems up on facebook...crap.... She just can not get to the real issues. She is actually playing a good wife now. But it will not last, there are demons that need to come out yet and put to rest. Things will not be good until they are addressed.
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Old 01-26-2012, 10:38 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes to controlling and selfish. Big ego I do not think so. I think it is the opposite. Low self esteem and jealousy. Although I do not get the jealousy part. I have done a lot of digging, talked to a lot of her family that does not even talk to her. She was abused as a child, I am sure of that. This too is a secret that I am hiding from her. I think she does respect me but she is trying to protect her deep down secrets. That and she has ADD and will not get help.

This is why I exposed my own deep down secret to her. Perhaps she would open up. But she went to my parents and told them. She also told them not to say anything that they knew about it. So good intentions were not there. She does not know that I know all of this because it is a multiple layer of secrets that were broken. This information digged away at them until they thought that I needed to be confronted about it out of concern.

The walls need to come down on her end. I can not tell her that I do not trust her because my parents were not supposed to tell me. I want her to think my parents can keep there mouth shut so she tells them more. This is a repeated problem about trust though. She put our problems up on facebook...crap.... She just can not get to the real issues. She is actually playing a good wife now. But it will not last, there are demons that need to come out yet and put to rest. Things will not be good until they are addressed.
Wow, did you read what you just wrote...I can't tell her that I don't trust HER because your mommy and daddy didn't keep their mouths shut. I have to lie to her so that she can trust?

I do agree that she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut about your personal problems. You should feel 100% comfortable confiding in the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. That said...YOU SHOULD CONFIDE 100% in the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with!!

I see that you and my h have similar issues, the negative mind reading of your spouse. You think she will be upset or critical so you hide your true feelings. However, by you doing that, you are creating an even greater resentment. Even if she were to get upset it's far worse when she finds out afterwards right?

It was fantastic that you shared with her something that you hadn't shared with anyone. It was wrong that she shared it, but you need to tell her that it was wrong and that you want to be able to trust her with your personal issues.

I hope that you BOTH learn how to communicate openly with each other. It is the most important thing in a marriage to be able to rely on each other and not have to question.

good luck!
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Old 01-26-2012, 11:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hiding things

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Wow, did you read what you just wrote...I can't tell her that I don't trust HER because your mommy and daddy didn't keep their mouths shut. I have to lie to her so that she can trust?

I do agree that she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut about your personal problems. You should feel 100% comfortable confiding in the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. That said...YOU SHOULD CONFIDE 100% in the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with!!

I see that you and my h have similar issues, the negative mind reading of your spouse. You think she will be upset or critical so you hide your true feelings. However, by you doing that, you are creating an even greater resentment. Even if she were to get upset it's far worse when she finds out afterwards right?

It was fantastic that you shared with her something that you hadn't shared with anyone. It was wrong that she shared it, but you need to tell her that it was wrong and that you want to be able to trust her with your personal issues.

I hope that you BOTH learn how to communicate openly with each other. It is the most important thing in a marriage to be able to rely on each other and not have to question.

good luck!
I agree 100% with you. I am being hypocritical. How ever this is repeated proven track record. Trust me, I can keep my mouth shut about her personal problems. But she can not do the same for me. It is a old game and I hate it, I do not want any part of it. If I try to end it though it always backfires. I can see the posts on facebook now, how sneaky and manipulative I am if I were to come clean. Until she addresses her problems nothing will change. There is no correct move I can take to address her problems. Her problems are causing my problems.

I am the one seeking help. I am the one that made us go to marriage counseling again. Sorry but I think it is time she needs to step up to the plate.

I have not lied to her, I just do not let her know everything I know. If she would ask I would tell her. I have asked her questions and got nothing but BS excuses.

Last edited by CrazyGuy; 01-26-2012 at 11:41 AM.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Hiding things

I hide food in the house so my H doesn't eat it all! But he knows I do this. He just doesn't know where the goodies are!
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:34 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I also hide food since my W has put me on a diet. She has a large freezer which she stocks up only rarely cooking and baking. She cant keep check so I 'steal' regulary from there. She still cant work out my weight doesnt go down.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Woah there. If she was abused as a child and has family who don't talk to her, chances are that's because she doesn't want to talk to them. As someone who has used an attorney/judge to get letters sent to family not to contact me, and had to have police enforce those letters, and having had to change my name (and had the judge recommend also changing social security number), what gives you the right to go contacting her family and giving them and soliciting from them information about your wife behind her back? Then condemn her for telling your parents that you're suicidal, or were? You can't have two different sets of rules. You guys have a HUGE problem going on. And I can see why she doesn't trust you. She probably FEELS that you're going behind her back, and then using any information you get from her family, about her past, to somehow manipulate her. Even if you think she doesn't know, she can probably tell that you do have information about her past, information that she didn't want you to know, and that somehow you thought you'd just go and dig it up, meanwhile probably telling her she needs to be forward thinking, not go to your parents about even current stuff, encouraging your parents in this underhanded information gathering and BAITING her to keep discussing stuff with them. OK, I'll say it. All of this is really f'd up and it's not your wife. You don't go digging up family from an adult who was abused as a child. Who the h*ll do you think you are that you have that right? O.M.G. I bet every time you two have a disagreement you use information about her past against her, even though she probably invested a lot of time, money, energy, thought into moving on from that past, to have a marriage with someone. Imagine going through all that to end up with another sneaky relative, one who you find out isn't quite right in the head, who tried to commit suicide and even though it was in his past, 'confessed' it to someone he knew had an abusive childhood...ohhhhhhh, great, show her you're unstable, because you know how REASSURING it will be for her. On top of the fact that you're going behind her back talking to people about her that she doesn't choose to share with on her own. I won't say what I think about you, but it isn't pleasant.
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Old 01-26-2012, 04:48 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Crazy Guy,

You're missing the boat on this one.

It has to do with her past.

You think you understand the problem, but you're not even close.
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Old 01-26-2012, 05:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I also hide food since my W has put me on a diet. She has a large freezer which she stocks up only rarely cooking and baking. She cant keep check so I 'steal' regulary from there. She still cant work out my weight doesnt go down.
Well, at least you're not on a strict list-only diet at home because of wanting to lose weight, in order to meet your affair partner at Wendy's or McD's or Taco-H*ll. I feel bad for the woman who posted that. Here she was cooking special for her H, only to find out on a GPS tracker that he stopped off at a fast-food joint. I guess some people on diets have no will power. I guess when the AP gets pregnant she'll pass it off as one too many large fries. Sad, sad, this sneaky business.

Oh, if you have kids you should lock the freezer. Not because of snacking but because of entrapment. Make sure the key is somewhere the kids can't get to. Especially in between stocking up when the freezer's near empty.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Woah there. If she was abused as a child and has family who don't talk to her, chances are that's because she doesn't want to talk to them. As someone who has used an attorney/judge to get letters sent to family not to contact me, and had to have police enforce those letters, and having had to change my name (and had the judge recommend also changing social security number), what gives you the right to go contacting her family and giving them and soliciting from them information about your wife behind her back? Then condemn her for telling your parents that you're suicidal, or were? You can't have two different sets of rules. You guys have a HUGE problem going on. And I can see why she doesn't trust you. She probably FEELS that you're going behind her back, and then using any information you get from her family, about her past, to somehow manipulate her. Even if you think she doesn't know, she can probably tell that you do have information about her past, information that she didn't want you to know, and that somehow you thought you'd just go and dig it up, meanwhile probably telling her she needs to be forward thinking, not go to your parents about even current stuff, encouraging your parents in this underhanded information gathering and BAITING her to keep discussing stuff with them. OK, I'll say it. All of this is really f'd up and it's not your wife. You don't go digging up family from an adult who was abused as a child. Who the h*ll do you think you are that you have that right? O.M.G. I bet every time you two have a disagreement you use information about her past against her, even though she probably invested a lot of time, money, energy, thought into moving on from that past, to have a marriage with someone. Imagine going through all that to end up with another sneaky relative, one who you find out isn't quite right in the head, who tried to commit suicide and even though it was in his past, 'confessed' it to someone he knew had an abusive childhood...ohhhhhhh, great, show her you're unstable, because you know how REASSURING it will be for her. On top of the fact that you're going behind her back talking to people about her that she doesn't choose to share with on her own. I won't say what I think about you, but it isn't pleasant.
Wow yes, I am a bad guy. 17 years in a sexless marriage. Working 12 hours a day 100 miles from home to provide for my family and getting nasty calls cursing me out for taking a yogurt for breakfast at a time she was not working. Arguments that would end with her telling me "I hope you choke" as I am trying to finish my meal. Not to mention all the financial trouble she has caused and the fact I am not allowed to have friends over. Only a select amount of friends I am even allowed to talk to. She has made my son cry by telling him how much she hates me.

I was unstable 25 years ago, yes. I am not unstable now. I am however extremely stressed. As I had mental health issues I am way more understanding then most other partners she could have found. I knew she came from a broken family. I have seen the stupid fighting with her side of the family at any event such as weddings. I contacted her brothers and sisters. I asked them what they remembered about there parents divorce. That's all. The stories I got back were filled with emotional, physical and sexual abuse and they all matched each others stories.

So yeah, I guess after so many years of sh@t I finally did a minimum amount of investigation. That makes me bad for trying to figure out what all this crap is in my marriage. Read some of my other threads before you make a judgement on me.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow yes, I am a bad guy. 17 years in a sexless marriage. Working 12 hours a day 100 miles from home to provide for my family and getting nasty calls cursing me out for taking a yogurt for breakfast at a time she was not working. Arguments that would end with her telling me "I hope you choke" as I am trying to finish my meal. Not to mention all the financial trouble she has caused and the fact I am not allowed to have friends over. Only a select amount of friends I am even allowed to talk to. She has made my son cry by telling him how much she hates me.

I was unstable 25 years ago, yes. I am not unstable now. I am however extremely stressed. As I had mental health issues I am way more understanding then most other partners she could have found. I knew she came from a broken family. I have seen the stupid fighting with her side of the family at any event such as weddings. I contacted her brothers and sisters. I asked them what they remembered about there parents divorce. That's all. The stories I got back were filled with emotional, physical and sexual abuse and they all matched each others stories.

So yeah, I guess after so many years of sh@t I finally did a minimum amount of investigation. That makes me bad for trying to figure out what all this crap is in my marriage. Read some of my other threads before you make a judgement on me.
Staying in a bad marriage with a person who controls you through your kid and yells at you about yogurt is just a different version of suicide. If you can't believe your wife when she tells you something personal, then probably you shouldn't be married to her. If there is no sex, and she's withholding, what's the point?
She's probably waiting for you to cheat at this far-away job of yours, so she can pin the blame on you. Again, being passive is just another form of suicide. Only you don't die, so you can continue to do it every single day.

If your marriage is abusive, leave. That's what the guys tell the women, ususally. Stop making excuses and get real about what's going on. Then do what is best for you. You can eat yogurt in peace, and if you do happen to choke on it, at least you don't have to die to the sound of someone laughing while they hand you the phone and tell you to call 911. I really can't see how you would want to eat anything out of your own fridge. It might be poisoned or at least pee'd in.

I don't think it's required to read other posts before replying to one. On a forum that's a lot of work. It struck me as that you had different rules for yourself than for her. That's not cool. I can see you're anxious and of course you have cause for it. But you brought part of that on by choosing to need to verify what your W told you. It was a choice that you made.
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Old 01-26-2012, 06:50 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Staying in a bad marriage with a person who controls you through your kid and yells at you about yogurt is just a different version of suicide. If you can't believe your wife when she tells you something personal, then probably you shouldn't be married to her. If there is no sex, and she's withholding, what's the point?
She's probably waiting for you to cheat at this far-away job of yours, so she can pin the blame on you. Again, being passive is just another form of suicide. Only you don't die, so you can continue to do it every single day.

If your marriage is abusive, leave. That's what the guys tell the women, ususally. Stop making excuses and get real about what's going on. Then do what is best for you. You can eat yogurt in peace, and if you do happen to choke on it, at least you don't have to die to the sound of someone laughing while they hand you the phone and tell you to call 911. I really can't see how you would want to eat anything out of your own fridge. It might be poisoned or at least pee'd in.

I don't think it's required to read other posts before replying to one. On a forum that's a lot of work. It struck me as that you had different rules for yourself than for her. That's not cool. I can see you're anxious and of course you have cause for it. But you brought part of that on by choosing to need to verify what your W told you. It was a choice that you made.
Well, you gave me something to ponder over. I never looked at it from that angle.

Since you did not read my other threads I will state it here. This is hopefully my last attempt to save this marriage. Yes I am trying to save it yet, however I am not very hopeful. We spent a lot of time together, it would be a shame to throw it all away. It would also be a shame to stay together as it is now. I am going to put my foot down and take command. I have always been a "nice guy". If she does not like this change then it is time for divorce. Just trying one last time before moving on so I do not feel guilty later on.
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