General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I am in somewhat of a dilemma right now. I am not even close to being married but I need some opinions now, so i just registered to an active forum, and it is about a relationship
Here is the situation.
I have been single for a very long time. I never was a relationship person. I actually laughed at it and said that I will never be in one. Just recently I met a guy, less than a month ago. And it is just crazy. I don't believe in love at first sight and I don't think that I am in love or anything. But it is just amazing. We see each other almost every day, I feel like a different person with a different attitude. I want to be with him all the time and I miss him when he is not there. It goes beyond lust, if it was just sexual attraction I wouldn't have a problem, I would know what to do. But he is everything I ever wanted (but didn't expect to find). we have the same moral values, same interstes, pretty much the same life experiences. I feel like I am talking to myself in male form whenh I am with him.
But, an older guy I know just called me and told me he has a ticket to go with him on a vacation. And I really want to. At the same time I feel bad about it. I can come up with a lie, but I am not sure I can look at him and not feel guilty if I agree. I feel like we could have something and starting a relationship with a lie is not a good thing, i think it would also change the atmosphere because of my guilt plus i may tell it. And yet since I have never been in a serious relationship because of my own attitude (and I am not a young kid, I am closer to 30) I wonder if I can make it anyways and if by the time of the vacation I will still be with that guy.
I am afraid that I will lose the guy if I go and that I will lose both if I don't. I need to answer by tomorrow night if I go on vacation. Any opinions will be very much appreciated
I am confused. Is the guy you like your boyfriend? Is there a commitment? If not, dont assume you are the only one.
Why do you want to go on vacation with the other guy if you really like the first guy? I need more info to give you good advice.
yes, i would say he is my boyfriend. we never said though that we would be monogamous (do people actually have this conversation?lol) and it is pretty new. at the same time i know that it is mutual. first of all because we were supposed to be in a different kind of relationship with each other which we decided not to go for because it may complicate the romantic relationship start. and also because one of the things we have in common is very hard to find, it is about 5% of the population. i don't want to say what it is because i am a bit paranoid to give to much detail in case someone i know reads it and he finds out (thats why i also went for a forum i never posted on before), i will just say it is not a disease and or anything illegal, just a moral view.
and the reason because i want to go on vacation is simply because it is cold, i want to be on the beacha nd because i like to travel and see new places. plust its free
Which is more important right now--a free vacation, or the new guy? At one month, I'd be picking the vacation--but then, I would not have jumped into "seeing each other every day" so quickly. It gives a sense of knowing each other much, much better than you really do--b/c you can ONLY know someone well if time has passed and you have seen them through all sorts of experiences. In one month, you have talked a TON but real life hasn't changed much, not even the weather. (Example: you meet a guy in September and all is sooooo amazing--only to discover, come November, that he complains about the cold all day, every day, driving you nuts. Kind of a silly example, but I hope you get the point). He has told you all sorts of stuff--but you have no idea how he behaves under serious life pressure, when there are accidents or --God forbid--tragedies, or real hardships that try a person's character. Heck, you probably don't even know if he gives back change when a cashier gives him too much (again, just another example). These are the little things that reveal a person's character MUCH more than anything they say, and it is character, ultimately, not personality, that will establish whether or not he is "the one."
But, if you decide not to go, please let me have your friend's number so I can claim the free vacation!
if you go on vacation with the other guy is he expecting a relationship to develop?
if you consider the other guy your boyfriend, why would you even consider going on vacation with the other?
that would be starting your new relationship with cheating on the side.
Yes, I agree that seeing each other that often was a mistake. It just worries me a bit that if it goes on like this, then at the time the vacation comes I will really regret having accepted it
Me and that guy know each other for a few years. He is the guy who gave me the "poor student" money and yes we have sex sometimes. Most likely he will expect it on vacation. He told me today that he already said that he is coming with his "younger girlfriend" so we will have to pretend that I am
But it is just amazing. We see each other almost every day, I feel like a different person with a different attitude. I want to be with him all the time and I miss him when he is not there. It goes beyond lust, if it was just sexual attraction I wouldn't have a problem, I would know what to do. But he is everything I ever wanted
Looking at this at the start of your post I was thinking to myself if this new guy is everything you ever wanted why would you even consider someone else?
To me I would expect that if you go on holiday and lie about it, it will come out at some point with this new guy and that will be destructive to an end I suspect, so my thoughts would be to politely decline the holiday and concentrate on something that may well be for the longer term.
seriously, you like the bf, you can see potential in the relationship, even though you're not a "relationship person", you admit that he's so different & amazing to everyone else you've dated before- BUT you still want to sacrifice this for a free holiday? Self sabotaging much?!
It's cold, light a fire, stick up some pictures of the beach, go to a tanning salon, but DONT lie to someone you care about for something as stupid as a free holiday!
I'm not saying grab the bf & run down the aisle, but morally sneaking off to have sex with someone on holiday while with someone else is wrong. so what if the relationship is over by the time the holiday comes around, at least you would have expereinced a diffrent kind of relationship from what you normally have (for a few months at least).
In life you can't have your cake & eat it too, meaning you cant have bf & make plans to go on holiday just in case.
My best friend told me that I am crazy, I should go, that she knows me and that it would be stupid if I don't because by the time its on I will be single again. I feel I would look bad in front of my friends if it really happens, especially if he is the one who ends it. I would hate the fact that I got weak because of a guy
On the other hand if it works out, losing him seems like a much bigger thing than losing a vacation.
Quote:
I'm not saying grab the bf & run down the aisle, but morally sneaking off to have sex with someone on holiday while with someone else is wrong. so what if the relationship is over by the time the holiday comes around, at least you would have expereinced a diffrent kind of relationship from what you normally have (for a few months at least).
This is a great point as well
Yeah I have a feeling I will make the decision at the moment I talk to the guy about tickets. At this point I am leaning towards "no"
I wish I could ask him about it. Like what he would do in this situation without making it look like I am in the situation or make myself appear clingy
Yes, I agree that seeing each other that often was a mistake. It just worries me a bit that if it goes on like this, then at the time the vacation comes I will really regret having accepted it
Me and that guy know each other for a few years. He is the guy who gave me the "poor student" money and yes we have sex sometimes. Most likely he will expect it on vacation. He told me today that he already said that he is coming with his "younger girlfriend" so we will have to pretend that I am
The older guy and you seemed to have already decided.Why do you have to pretend to be his girlfriend? Are you and him uneasy about being seen as FWB's?
The new guy may really care about you and hoping for more,but probably not if you go with older guy.
We didn't decide. It was in plans for a while though since he heard about the trip (its a coworker trip that is done every year). I didn't know the guy yet though, and me and the older guy haven't really talked since Christmas. I am really not uneasy about having FWB, as someone who never really dates I had a few. It just that this feels kind of dsifferent, I don't know...
and about your question about FWB, i understood it differently. The older guy just told me he wants to show off so we should hold hands etc. and public and we should go over a story about how long we have been together etc. When it first came up I didn't care either way
Just assumed it was FWB as you said in previous post that he probably expected sex.
Maybe you should just tell new guy so he can decide whether he can live with it or not,as its still early in that relationship.If you're having an amazing time with him then he is probably feeling the same,so he deserves some input if it goes forward,with all the blinders off.
I really need help please 
