General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I need opinions on how to set this boundary. My husband has always taken communication hostage in order to maintain control of situations. Needless to say this is destroying our marriage. I want to set the following limits with him. I need to know if I am wording this right. Here goes:
I view your apology letter as a positive step. As you can tell the last few days have been hard on me. I am now ready to respond to your letter.
I was hit with every negative emotion I have ever felt over the problems we have with communication. I now feel much better and stronger.
One of the reasons it was so hard was because you apologized for something and then proceeded to do the exact same thing. I consider the way you behaved with planning the New Mexico trip to be deceitful. You refused to tell me your thoughts so you could control how it was done. This is a tactic you have used throughout our relationship.
From now on I will not be in a relationship with someone who takes communication hostage. I will not stay with someone who operates with hidden agendas. I will not tolerate being told you don’t know how you feel about something only to find out you have talked about the subject with someone else. I will not tolerate being kept in the dark about how you want to do things. This is a boundary. I sincerely hope you take this seriously. I am.
If you continue to employ these tactics I will take that to mean this relationship does not matter to you and is not worth your being in it.
I am prepared to back this up, but I want to make sure he understands what I'm saying.
Limbogirl, at least to me, your letter comes across very harsh. I am hearing that you are frustrated with his control of situations; I worry that you letter comes across very controlling as well.
I'd try something like this:
When you apologize for something and then repeat the same action you apologized for, I feel very disrespected and have a hard time trusting what you say since your actions don't back up your words. I want a relationship where we can trust one another. If you persist in telling me one thing and then doing another, I will have to admit to myself that I do not trust you and move on from the relationship.
I made some suggested changes. By the way, I'm proud of you standing up for you and your happiness! : )
I view your apology letter as a positive step. Yet in comparison with your actions, it falls short of being trustworthy. As you can likely tell, the last few days have been hard on me. I am now ready to respond to your letter.
Your behavior resulted in me being hit with every negative emotion I have ever felt, related to the problems we have with communication. Now that time has passed, and I have had time to think, I now feel much better and stronger.
One of the reasons it was so hard on me was because you apologized for something and then proceeded to do the exact same thing. This is not the action of some who has regrets for their behavior. A “regret” is a feeling that is born from a negative event you learn from, and you subsequently put changes in place to ensure that the event does not happen again. Your actions show no sign of regret. I also consider the way you behaved with planning the New Mexico trip to be deceitful. You refused to tell me your thoughts so you could control how it was done. This is a tactic you have used throughout our relationship. If this is a tactic you enjoy using, you will have to experience it alone. I refuse to be on the receiving end of deceitful behavior.
Here are my terms and conditions from which I will now operate my life.
- From now on I will not be in a relationship with someone who takes communication hostage.
- I will not stay with someone who operates with hidden agendas.
- I will not tolerate being told you don’t know how you feel about something only to find out you have talked about the subject with someone else.
- I will not tolerate being kept in the dark about how you want to do things.
These are my terms and conditions. It is a boundary to protect myself from the actions of others.
I sincerely hope you take these terms and conditions seriously. I do, and will from now on.
If you continue to employ any of the tactics I referenced, I will take that to mean this relationship does not matter to you and is not worth your being in it. Although you have this decision to make, I reserve the right to make my own decision without your input
I wondered if it sounded too harsh. I have to be very firm though. He has known this was a problem for a long time. I have to get him to wake up. This is a very ingrained behavior pattern that I hope he will get I/C for. He is considering it.
The reason he recognized this is because he agreed to read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." He saw himself this way. He said he realized he takes things off the table.
The most extreme example during our relationship is he hid the fact that he didn't want to purchase a house unless we paid cash for it. He never told me about this during an eleven year period. I'm not a spender because we did save the money while paying rent and without my knowledge of his plan. He would go look at houses with me and find reasons we couldn't buy them. He admitted all this in his apology letter. But he refused to tell me his plans about the trip. He gave me the letter while "we" were trying to plan this.
I made some suggested changes. By the way, I'm proud of you standing up for you and your happiness! : )
I view your apology letter as a positive step. Yet in comparison with your actions, it falls short of being trustworthy. As you can likely tell, the last few days have been hard on me. I am now ready to respond to your letter.
Your behavior resulted in me being hit with every negative emotion I have ever felt, related to the problems we have with communication. Now that time has passed, and I have had time to think, I now feel much better and stronger.
One of the reasons it was so hard on me was because you apologized for something and then proceeded to do the exact same thing. This is not the action of some who has regrets for their behavior. A “regret” is a feeling that is born from a negative event you learn from, and you subsequently put changes in place to ensure that the event does not happen again. Your actions show no sign of regret. I also consider the way you behaved with planning the New Mexico trip to be deceitful. You refused to tell me your thoughts so you could control how it was done. This is a tactic you have used throughout our relationship. If this is a tactic you enjoy using, you will have to experience it alone. I refuse to be on the receiving end of deceitful behavior.
Here are my terms and conditions from which I will now operate my life.
- From now on I will not be in a relationship with someone who takes communication hostage.
- I will not stay with someone who operates with hidden agendas.
- I will not tolerate being told you don’t know how you feel about something only to find out you have talked about the subject with someone else.
- I will not tolerate being kept in the dark about how you want to do things.
These are my terms and conditions. It is a boundary to protect myself from the actions of others.
I sincerely hope you take these terms and conditions seriously. I do, and will from now on.
If you continue to employ any of the tactics I referenced, I will take that to mean this relationship does not matter to you and is not worth your being in it. Although you have this decision to make, I reserve the right to make my own decision without your input
I think this sounds better than mine. Thank you. I'm going to think on it some more. I'm going to give him the letter tomorrow.
Limbogirl, at least to me, your letter comes across very harsh. I am hearing that you are frustrated with his control of situations; I worry that you letter comes across very controlling as well.
I'd try something like this:
When you apologize for something and then repeat the same action you apologized for, I feel very disrespected and have a hard time trusting what you say since your actions don't back up your words. I want a relationship where we can trust one another. If you persist in telling me one thing and then doing another, I will have to admit to myself that I do not trust you and move on from the relationship.
Just my .02.
Acorn
I'm going to think about what you said about my letter sounding controlling. As a man, your perspective may be how most men would take it. My husband is controlling so he may see it as a threat. I actually think it is more fair to him to tell him where I'm at mentally. As far as the trust, he already knows this has broken my trust in him. Not the latest incident, but the countless others.
Do you think if I am too soft about it, the letter will even work? He is used to me just putting up with his behavior.
Well, this board has taught me that I don't really think like most guys, lol.
I really liked HerToo's rewrite of the beginning down to the bullet points a lot. I thought it was as direct but much more constructive.
I do not really like the bullet points as written. As an example, I don't like "I will not stay with someone who operates with hidden agendas.", because he can argue he had no hidden agendas, and that just leads to a stupid argument about whether these hidden agendas actually exist. I'm sure you can almost play it out in your head if you wanted to. "I will not stay with someone who I feel is intentionally withholding information from me" is better to me, because the responsibility has been shifted to what he is communicating through his actions.
You sound very determined and fed up - so be true to yourself and err on the side of being too strong if need be. Again, just my .02.
Well, this board has taught me that I don't really think like most guys, lol.
I really liked HerToo's rewrite of the beginning down to the bullet points a lot. I thought it was as direct but much more constructive.
I do not really like the bullet points as written. As an example, I don't like "I will not stay with someone who operates with hidden agendas.", because he can argue he had no hidden agendas, and that just leads to a stupid argument about whether these hidden agendas actually exist. I'm sure you can almost play it out in your head if you wanted to. "I will not stay with someone who I feel is intentionally withholding information from me" is better to me, because the responsibility has been shifted to what he is communicating through his actions.
You sound very determined and fed up - so be true to yourself and err on the side of being too strong if need be. Again, just my .02.
I looked on your profile to see if you were a man. I didn't want to offend you.
I see what you mean about the hidden agenda thing. And that is what I'm trying to avoid. I want it to be very concrete.
I am determined. I've decided that I deserve to have a shot at happiness.
Don't know how much of my story you are familiar with, but I will tell you, that I was and am, a very effective communicator.
How effective you are as a communicator, doesn't much matter unless the individual you are communicating with is willing to LISTEN and RESPOND.
When my ex did neither of those things to my satisfaction, and I got 'fed up' my reaction was extraordinarily harsh. Too harsh. Basically I behaved in the manner that I perceived her behavior ... and she didn't much like it at all.
I had hoped it would make her see that we desperately needed a change. However, it didn't play out that way. She distanced herself more. It alienated us further.
Thus ... why she and I are ex's.
Simply something to be aware of. Personally, I think your letter is just fine. Don't overthink how he is going to take it, because at the end of the day, you have no control whatsoever over how he chooses to respond. I think a degree of harsh is good. If anything, I would remove the language about it being a boundary.
The one sure-fire way people come to acknowledge and respect your boundaries is based upon what happens when they cross them.
So, the bigger question is whether or not you are fully prepared to deliver on the consequences. If you are ... then that's really the most important piece at this juncture.
I am prepared to back this up, but I want to make sure he understands what I'm saying.
This is the most important part, otherwise your letter is only so many words floating around ungrounded.
I've read through some of your other posts. Your H sounds like a classic passive-aggressive person - what with all of the hidden agendas and such.
I started to research passive-aggression a few months ago. Not because of my H or all of the times I read about it on TAM, but because of a work situation. I have a man on my project team who is a classic case (several other people mentioned, "Oh, have fun with him - he's so passive aggressive" )and it has been very trying to deal with to say the least. And that is only in a work situation - I could not tolerate this in my home life. In desperation I even bought and read this book, even though there is only one chapter about the work environment.
But, the whole point is that you can't change him. You can only set the boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate and then enforce them. If that means you are willing to back it up by leaving, then so be it.
I hope that you can get out of being in limbo, and it sounds like this may be a good step toward that.
Don't know how much of my story you are familiar with, but I will tell you, that I was and am, a very effective communicator.
How effective you are as a communicator, doesn't much matter unless the individual you are communicating with is willing to LISTEN and RESPOND.
When my ex did neither of those things to my satisfaction, and I got 'fed up' my reaction was extraordinarily harsh. Too harsh. Basically I behaved in the manner that I perceived her behavior ... and she didn't much like it at all.
I had hoped it would make her see that we desperately needed a change. However, it didn't play out that way. She distanced herself more. It alienated us further.
Thus ... why she and I are ex's.
Simply something to be aware of. Personally, I think your letter is just fine. Don't overthink how he is going to take it, because at the end of the day, you have no control whatsoever over how he chooses to respond. I think a degree of harsh is good. If anything, I would remove the language about it being a boundary.
The one sure-fire way people come to acknowledge and respect your boundaries is based upon what happens when they cross them.
So, the bigger question is whether or not you are fully prepared to deliver on the consequences. If you are ... then that's really the most important piece at this juncture.
Thanks for your post. I have made some of the suggested changes. I just gave him this about a half hour ago.
He read it and thanked me for it. I am hoping he will tell me his reaction, but I will not ask for it.
I am prepared to back this up. I feel very strong right now. I just hope I can recognize when it starts so I can call him out on it before it goes to far.
This is the most important part, otherwise your letter is only so many words floating around ungrounded.
I've read through some of your other posts. Your H sounds like a classic passive-aggressive person - what with all of the hidden agendas and such.
I started to research passive-aggression a few months ago. Not because of my H or all of the times I read about it on TAM, but because of a work situation. I have a man on my project team who is a classic case (several other people mentioned, "Oh, have fun with him - he's so passive aggressive" )and it has been very trying to deal with to say the least. And that is only in a work situation - I could not tolerate this in my home life. In desperation I even bought and read this book, even though there is only one chapter about the work environment.
But, the whole point is that you can't change him. You can only set the boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate and then enforce them. If that means you are willing to back it up by leaving, then so be it.
I hope that you can get out of being in limbo, and it sounds like this may be a good step toward that.
Best wishes.
Yes, he is passive-aggressive. He is considering going to I/C. I have started going to I/C. I think we both carry some very dysfunctional behaviors with us from the way we were raised.
I am determined that I will change. I just have to get rid of some of my co-dependency issues. He doesn't have addiction problems or anything. But we both have some of the same characteristics of co-dependency.
Communication Boundary Help 
