BreatheLove

Some of you might have read & posted on my previous thread. A little recap "we're both 21. i'm in final year & he's in merchant navy. we don't see each other for 6 MONTHs at a stretch due to his profession. he has been unstable always. We had a minor fight on 16 jan & 24 jan he calls me up & tells me he wasn't in love with me for the past 6 years. He came back from the ship & would patch up because I was easy. he wanted to be physically intimate but we never had sex because I wasn't prepared. we had an 8 year relationship. for the first two years we were together at school he was so in love with me. he cried when we left school because he knew that meant we wouldn't be able to see each other. things were up down from 2007 to 2010. then he came back & said he wanted to finally settle with me & not go. his whole family knew that i was his girlfriend. 6 MONTHs after that he started getting unstable but I held on. we would fight because we're both possessive. we both restricted each other's social life. but this year start he said he would fight & threaten me because he would get angry at a certain behaviour or intrusion of space but he wanted to be with me & could not imagine a life without me. and 15 days later this. He never forced me to have sex, neither did he take advantage of situations like when i was drunk. i think he's making up excuses that he didn't love me. 6 months ago he was crying miserably when he had to leave the country because he would miss me. i dont know what's wrong with me. he's coming back home tomorrow. he's deleted me from his facebook & is making his relationship status to single & public. also his roommate writing on his profile in capitals "you broke up with <my name>" seems planned. he's a very private person. this is bothering me now. what went wrong? what's coming next?
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BreatheLove

Also, he says that those little moments were just outbursts of love "in the moment". He thinks its all dead. He says he hates me now. I don't know what for! I haven't cheated or anything. Just loved him made him my priority. gave my life & emotions into this relationship.
I am struggling. will he come back? will i move on? will i be able to love again? i get so irritated if someone approaches me. like "don't touch me get away" like i don't want to go close to anyone.
dunno where i'm heading!
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that_girl

You guys were very young when you started out. You're very young now. While it sucks that you're going through this (heartbreak is horrible at any age), it's somewhat normal and probably good that he did this because you can see what else is out there. I know my words don't bring comfort and maybe they even piss you off. But you have so much to learn and live...as does he.

While his way of doing it isn't cool...he's 21. Better it happen now then when you're married with kids.

He doesn't hate you. Trust me. It's just his defense mechanism. Lame, but...it is.

You will be able to move on and love again. It doesn't seem like it now, but believe me, you will...and it will be right.

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desert-rose

People can be immature and foolish and use anger as a defense at any age, but you're quite lucky to be young and resilient. 7.5 years together, my WH did the cheating, and when I asked him to show me some remorse about it and quit doing so, he decided he hates me...and we're actually married (well, separated now) and not just dating. Trust me, it's a horrible thing no matter how old or young you are, but you're going to get through this and you're going to be fine.

Let him go. I know eight years is a long time, and if you need to cry and be sad and vent, come here and write about it, but please don't beg or plead or try to get him to stay. Maybe he will grow up and come back to you, maybe not, but your best bet is to let him go and just try to heal. Seriously. It sounds horrible and counter-intuitive, but it isn't. Don't fight it. Let go.

You don't deserve to be treated badly, so be glad you're not married with kids and much older and just try and recognize that you're better off with someone who is actually willing and enthusiastic to be with you than someone you have to hold on to with a tight grip to keep from wandering away. You seem committed and loving....give that love to someone deserving, even if that someone is just yourself!

BreatheLove

That's the one thing I'm happy about. I never had sex. May be if I did it would have broken me down. I would probably have been sitting at a bar drinking because he dumped me. He used me emotionally, he would come back to me for emotional support, that he confesSed too. thank god we're not married. this guy could have walked out on me after marriage without even giving me a proper reason!
Yes, my self esteem & confidence have suffered a lot, but I'm working on it. Going to a behaviour therapist so i can get a better hold of my emotions.
Its a tough time. I ignored the signs that he was giving, all of us make this mistake. but whatever i still have life ahead. I'm a beautiful girl, I have guys craving for attention. I should be able to get out of this.
I feel NUMB for now, literally but everyone goes through this right? Don't feel like eating, meeting anyone, getting hugs. just want to be alone.
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desert-rose

Everyone goes through heart-break at some point or another. It feels like hell, like it's the end of the world, but it really isn't. Focus on you. Do things you enjoy. Go out with friends, go dancing, go shopping, watch movies, hang out with family, whatever makes you feel better. Don't isolate yourself. You're going to get through it!

that_girl

great attitude! You will be ok.

It wouldn't be a bad idea to get some therapy just for you and to look at why you stayed with someone who used you, etc. That way, you will be more determined not to let it happen again and you'll be emotionally healthy for yourself and the next person you fall in love with.

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BreatheLove

Exactly. I don't want myself or someone I will marry to be bothered by my past relationship failure. Its not my mistake that it ended. I do have outbursts of tears at times & start feeling lonely, but I don't want to be stuck here. The relationship from the past year was hell. I was crying all the while because of his rude & selfish behaviour. It was all in front of me, I chose to overlook it! I was foolish haha! I do feel relaxed, like i can breathe again, in between when I'm not crying. This relationship was emotionally abusive to me! I am recovering.
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BreatheLove

Just one thing bothering me. I want to know what went wrong. Why did he say he never felt anything over past 6 years when he was so intense for first 2 years. Nobody can fake love for 6 years. that's a huge amount of time. This thing is killing me. And will he come back? Because yes it will affect me if he suddenly tries to bounce back!
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blissful

he probably will come back. when things get lonely & he needs an emotional crutch he'll come running back. that's when you really have to be strong. he'll send you mixed signals, cos he'll want you there as a back up, while he goes about his single life. You will have to be firm here. You deserve better. He treated you badly, esp after such a long relationship, so walk away now & make sure it's for good. You don't want to be wasting another 8 years on this fool.

And as for the "I havent loved you in 6 years", that's cr@p. Right now he's gonna say anything to convince you (& more likely himself) that he's doing the right thing. If I was you I wouldn't put much stock in anything he says right now.

You'll be ok, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.

BreatheLove

I do. But its not easy. I get second thoughts about it. One minute I want to move on. Another minute I want him. I am just so sandwich-ed right now between the two choices.
I have this big big curiosity over things he said while leaving me. Not in love for 6 years seems bull****! I want to know what went wrong. I was nagging at times, he thought I was a control freak. I was insecure. So was he. Sometimes it just feels like he went away because he had tried to stop me from talking to a close guyfriend & he was very insecure about that. He would never miss a chance to taunt me over this guyfriend. The last fight, I put updates on facebook, relating to what that guyfriend had said to me. Could it be that? Could my boyfriend be thinking that I have an affair with that guyfriend? And he tried to stop me but I would end up talking to the guyfriend.
I won't be at peace until I find out the real reason.
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that_girl

I didn't mean get help for this relationship...but get help for you and why you let someone use you that way.

Hope you're doing better today. every day get a little bit easier.

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