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post #61 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 12:02 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

I am trying to get him to dig into why exactly he has such strong feelings right now. If he were to leave her, he would likely be dating or marrying a woman with a similar past as his wife now has in terms of not being a virgin. I thought this question might prompt him to reflect on exactly what his issue is.

I completely understand the honest/trust issue. It is huge for me, and if it is his problem it is not something to ignore. My situation is one where had she been forthcoming at first, the marriage might not have happened. Certainly my entire adult life would have been different had she fully informed me and truthfully answered questions before the wedding.

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post #62 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 12:13 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

I wish that was all I had to deal with in my marriage.
You have a loving wife and two beautiful children. You have built your marriage all these years and you both love each other. Keep what you have together and lose the poor me attitude.
There are much worse situations that happen in a marriage and people work through them.
Maybe to her your expectations were unrealistic but at the time she could see no other way to hold onto you and what she felt for you than to tell an untruth. Not that it was the right thing to do but it happened so many years ago it really isn't a big deal. She is a good person. This is something she carried around with her for years and felt that you would be able to forgive her and she could continue on with your lives knowing you loved her and would forgive her. If you need help ask for it but do not walk away from a woman who loves you.
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post #63 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 01:55 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

the woman , wanted to lead a life with a loving man, a good man , she really loved, so she in her desperation,even made the swearing,(perhaps asking forgiveness ,from The Lord,while she did it)..

this woman, had a wrecking past , a life of loneliness, seeking solace ending up with wrong guys...but when you found her, her hopes and aspirations of being a good wife of a loving man, whom she loved as well for his mannerisms, prevented her from telling you the truth, thinking you will reject her, once again, putting her into the lost world of Unsure Life ..darkening her she did it desperation...You infact in her Saviour and Life gave her a Life ...of being a Family...which otherwise would have been a broken dream , a shattered ,battered life ,which would have been destruction for her...

Its you who gave her Life , and its you , now under these crcumstances ,destroying the woman's life, infact the life of your kid's mother...

But, I feel she should be honest here after and always and ever...

When , she is CONTRITE , which she already is, you should not be stone hearted, but forgiving and accepting her , to start afresh...and In True Love...which already both of you have found in each other....

let her be with you and be one and let nothing come in between any more ..and Love be forever...
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post #64 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 02:07 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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post #65 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 02:31 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Dude read the book of Hosea, read "Redeeming Love". Why are you worried about your wife's past mistakes? View her as perfect and unblemished because according to God, she is. Ask God to help you forgive her and love her as he loves your wife, as he loves you even though you've screwed up and been unfaithful to him.
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post #66 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-29-2012, 03:08 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Originally Posted by RR1024 View Post
All, please understand my feelings and depression. I am deeply hurt. she had 3 sexual partners in the past according to her, i think is more, but i am not asking that question. I cannot stand to know my wife was such a B. in the past. I can't get it over my head. i can't get it out my chest. I do not see her the same way. i felt that i was sleeping with the devil for 13 years.

understand i made wrong things and was forgiven for my acts which i am not proud of and feel ashame.
Please leave your wife immediately.

She deserves a real man.

Set her free from this madness.
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post #67 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-30-2012, 08:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

All, There is a lot of truth said in this forum. my feelings now are exactly as explained by SPOCK above. there are two sides of me. A my hearts believes in loving, forgiveness and moving on with my family. B my head is spinning and having horrible thoughts about her past. Again, she explained to me she was young and naive which did not last long, it was months. nothing was serious.

all happened when she was 15-19 years old (tood young without guidance from parents/family). Then she stopped and relialize was making a huge mistake. she never felt in love for any of them according to her. all she was looking to be love becuase she was living with abusive brothers, her mom left the country, so she was basically left a alone with people who never care about her. trust me i know them and this is truth. When we met she was 21 years old. according to her, she felft in love and protected by me. she was scare to loose me, that is why she swallowed this burden and suffered for all these years and took it as a punishment upon her. I really love her. we have a very good relationship. everyone admires and look up to us. My daughter is adorable and her only wish is to have a family, the same for my son. all they want is a family nothing else. I know I will overcome this and I am sincerely thanksfull for all of your kinds words, some were a beating to me, but i accepted. this is reasy why i reach out to all in this great forum. again I appreciate and will look forward for your continue support to overcome this horrible moment in my life.

thank you again.
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post #68 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-30-2012, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

to answer your question, and make it clear to everyone. I do not care about the virgintiy factor. what hurst me and bother the most was the lied. I lived 16 years beliving something that was not truth and it hurts me that the person that I love the most have lied to me. And yes, I should have been given the option to make a decision back then and accepted her mistakes. Again the lied is what hurts me the most. I was very honest and put all my cards on the table to show my love for her. had she been honest to me! who knows maybe we will be together or maybe not. but in my opinion telling the truth is a key factor in a marriage. I had always told the truth, even when i dropped the ball, I asked my wife for forgiveness and came clean. i cannot live with guilt inside of me.
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post #69 of 101 (permalink) Old 01-30-2012, 11:28 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

The Problem is The Lie , hence The Trust Issue, Those crap guys...and YOUR DOUBT on her being in "love and s .." with those like a give away woman..?

You still think , that she might have "loved" those craps..and also that she might still remember them and while in Coitus, she might be thinking of them and the acts...and while all these 16 years , she was with you , she dint tell about them , owing to her own "secret joy" about it?Why shud you torment yourself like that???

See Pal, In the novel Tess D Uberville, Tess was seduced by Alec D'Uberville...and later when she was with Angel ,( whom she Loved as her Life), and she was about to tell him through a letter, which she actually wrote.but was not handed over..and eventually when Angel( he had his affair ) found it, he disowned her for the "Lie"...and you might know what happened to Tess and her tragedy...had Angel forgiven her at the first instance, she would have had her Life with Angel( though, it was finally some days,it was too very late), her Love and Life..but ....


Do you wish such things happen to your Wife..? wont she be destroyed likewise in this modern world , even though she might not have a tragedy that of Tess, but a True Tragedy for herself. your Family, Kids and yourself...?

How many women are virgins or without former love affairs these days....? say a 10 % or max 15% in the entire world population...?? ponder here...

Its understandable on your emotional BELIEVED her, LOVED her...much for her Love and Truth..and on the latter, you are shattered...since you are not able to get over, fight against The ONSLAUGHTS of her been with those craps..? ?though its nothing anymore ?

Well, its all over with them and they are mere nothing , she wont be even interested even to think of any of them,not even remembering them at all..But only you and her world around you n kids and the family...

She will need to be convincing you for tell Absolute Truth hereafter...and Live in naturally it shud be..

Now get your Mind , Set...ASAP

Have a Broad, Understanding,Tolerating, Forgiving, Heart and Head...Leave aside on the Tormenting thoughts, for they are Past and nothing any more...

All is Well...if only you will have understood the "Past","Present" and "The Future would be"...Organize yourself ,Be Sensible ...and Start your Second Journey in All Truth...Trust and Love...till The End of Times..and into Eternity at The City of Twelve Gates....meeting The Living Tree..

May God Guide and God Speed..

Last edited by Claude Veritas; 01-30-2012 at 10:45 PM.
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post #70 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 01:56 PM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

I am absolutely amazed at the "SHUT UP AND GET OVER IT!" type of comments I am reading. That is not only ignorant but heartless too. RR is soliciting help on how to deal with the pain his wife's lying has caused, not to get your advice on how badly he should punish her. HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN!! You may as well berate him for having cancer. He's seeking relief, not judgmental verbal abuse.

I believe because his wife really loves him and he also really loves her, that together, with the help of a therapist or counselor, they can overcome this.

Godspeed, my friend!

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post #71 of 101 (permalink) Old 02-15-2012, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

thank you. we are seeking help from a counselor. it is not easy to get over this. I have gone thru a huge depression and anxiety problems. I know I will get over this. but it take help from a counselor. again thank you.
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post #72 of 101 (permalink) Old 09-15-2012, 05:26 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

I know your story
girls lies is a speciality on that matter.
It destroyed my first marriage
it is about to destroing my second marriage.
Do not imagine that you will be able to live with your wife as if nothing happened.
You have values
Your wife did not match them.
She knew that and she manipulates you.If she really loved you she will not had manipulate you, she would not have been so egoist.
So you are a victim because you naively trust in an unreliable person.
3 bad solutions for you
1 you stay with her and spend a fortune with therapist,in 20 years of unhappiness later, you will understood there no solution , because you are too old
2 you divorce, it is costly money and emotion, but it is a radical solution.You CAN find a younger wife, under 20 ready to marry you, but instead of spending money for a therapist, invest in a private investigator to know her past (I am NOT joking)
3 you stay with her and **** every girls around, because otherwise you will feel like just the "next" the one who has to be happy with your wife ex's leftovers and tht is the most humiliating way to live.I know what I am saying.
Good luck! I know what is your pain!
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post #73 of 101 (permalink) Old 09-15-2012, 06:49 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Originally Posted by RR1024 View Post
no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.
I'm sorry, I have not read all of these posts... but this right here is ....well... just NOT OK... I do not feel any man has the moral right to expect anything more from a woman that he has not expected from HIMSELF. You are dead wrong here and I call BS on such a belief.

but if you all were my shoes today. perhaps you would not say the same. I am truly appreciate it of all the comments
No, not at all, if I was in your shoes, I know I'd be looking at myself in the mirror before judging another .... You've had an AFFAIR on your wife after the vows...YOU BETRAYED her in the worst way, something worthy of divorce....and this was BEFORE you even learned of her in fact you screwed around on your virgin wife (LORDY Be... what the hell does that make YOU!@#$).... this clearly shows your moral compass & integrity as a man....

Learn this ....the fact she has forgiven YOU .... is ...well.... something you didn't deserve at all..... a pure act of Love on her behalf....a forgiveness MOST wives wouldn't even bestow you... so in ought to feel at HER mercy and be dancing in the streets she still wants to be with you. Depression... how do you feel she felt for the 1st 16 yrs knowing you would have thrown her out on her ear -not accepting her for who she was, having to hide a peice of her -from her own husband, hell she has had 16 yrs of depression.

I think you can handle what you have been delt here.

NextTimeAround said: Sadly, your wife made the mistake of trying to be someone that she wasn't to try to keep you and it caught up with her. A good lesson for all of us to remember

So that women won't ever feel the need to make up lies like this, they should remember that any guy in this day and age who values virginity is just a piece of **** who likely go screwing around anyway because he constantly needs new *****.
You know what I HATE about threads like this... it gives others THIS idea right here ^^^^ Just because a man may value a virgin does NOT always make him a Hypocrite.... this TROLL clearly WAS a Hypocrite... as he also slept with women before he married /then ran out & had an affair after the vows, the height of hypocricy here is staggering. No wonder the anger in the replies.

BUt the men who DO save themselves for the love of thier lives ...has every right in this world to desire a woman who feels the same - waiting for her one & only....

Not all men like this = a Peice of Sh** Nor are their reasons for wanting a woman with such values have anything at all to do with insecurities, though I do feel this man has PLENTY....this TROLL that is.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents anyhow.
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post #74 of 101 (permalink) Old 09-15-2012, 07:33 AM
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You are right SA. This right here is exactly what I referred to in that "other" thread. It is waaaay too common for men to feel/act this way. I can't put into words how much this angers me.

To the OP, yes I agree honesty is one of the most important things two people can give to one another BUT considering your past before marriage and events after marriage, maybe a little self introspection needs to be done.
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post #75 of 101 (permalink) Old 09-15-2012, 07:36 AM
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Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Religion my a**. Thats just an excuse for you to hold her to a certain standard while being exempt from it yourself.

I'm with SA "BS flag on the play!"

The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
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