My wife lied about her past, what should I do?
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:34 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Hi,
I am going through a very delicate problem which is causing anxiety,depresion problems to me. My wife lied about her past sexual partners. we've been together 16 years, 13 years married. when we've met I've told her that due to my religious belief, I would not marry any girls that is not virgin, so she was crying and told me that she wasn't a virgin because she was rape in the past. In order for me to believe her and feel better about the situation back then, we went to church and there she swear to god and her family that she was telling the truth. after 16 years and two kids (9 years and 6 years old), she told me that she lied about her past and that she has been suffering for all these years thinking how to tell me the truth, but was afraid because she love me very much and did not want to loose me. so now what am i suppose to do? I am extremely hurt by her actions and lie. I feel that i should been told the truth back then when i asked her and not wait this long to put me in a dead end situation with no space to scape. I am destroyed, can't sleep, have mix feelings about her. Our kids are the reason why i haven't run away from her. she is a very nice person, has respected me all these years. good mother, everybody in my family likes her. I NEED PROFESIONAL HELP TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE. I CAN'T THINK RIGHT, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AT WORK. I AM EXTREMELY DESTROYED. NEED HELP!
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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Originally Posted by RR1024 View Post
Hi,
My wife lied about her past...

we've been together 16 years, 13 years married. after 16 years and two kids (9 years and 6 years old), she told me that she lied about her past and that she has been suffering for all these years thinking how to tell me the truth, but was afraid because she love me very much and did not want to loose me. so now what am i suppose to do?

I am destroyed, can't sleep, have mix feelings about her. Our kids are the reason why i haven't run away from her. she is a very nice person, has respected me all these years. good mother, everybody in my family likes her. I NEED PROFESIONAL HELP TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE. I CAN'T THINK RIGHT, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AT WORK. I AM EXTREMELY DESTROYED. NEED HELP!
WOW!! I'm sorry, but all of this about the past? After 16 years you want to just run away from your wife, but won't because of the kids?

Sounds to me like you don't even love your wife. Do you? Would you have loved her even if she told you she was not a virgin when you met - and been totally upfront with you?

It also sounds to me like she has been very good to you, loves you, and has been a great mother to the kids. What more can a man ask for?
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Understand, I do love her, but have mix feelings. sometimes I am in love, sometimes I hate her for lying to me. we have two beautifull kids and would not want to hurt them, they will suffer the most by this. But i am destroyed, hurt, going crazy. I told her, she should have keft that secret untold forever. I was very happy. now I am destroyed and feel betrayed, wasted all my time with her. I should have been given the option to decide whether to accept her the way she was back when we've met.
she told me the reason she lied was because she was deeply in loved with me and did not want to loose for her past mistakes, that she cannot live with the idea that i am not around her. She told me that she would accept any decision i take, but she will always love me forever, but would take the punisheshments for lying to me. she is also destroyed. i can see in her eyes. she knee on me asking for forgiveness, but i can't. i am so hurt inside that i can't. only our kids are keeping me from runnign away. PLEASE HELP, I NEED PROFESSIONAL ADVISE.
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Old 01-27-2012, 10:57 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

If you are as religious as you claim, I have a couple of assignments for you.

1) Read about forgiveness

2) Grow up

You have a woman who loves you and wants to be your partner through life.

Be grateful. Consider yourself lucky. If you don't think you are, read a bit more on this board.

Quit making this about you. It's the most selfish thing imaginable.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:05 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
If you are as religious as you claim, I have a couple of assignments for you.

1) Read about forgiveness

2) Grow up

You have a woman who loves you and wants to be your partner through life.

Be grateful. Consider yourself lucky. If you don't think you are, read a bit more on this board.

Quit making this about you. It's the most selfish thing imaginable.


And apparently, you DID accept her the way she was when you met her. Her past is her past. Not yours, and you had nothing to do with it. By not being a virgin, does not mean she is damaged in any way. It just means she lived her life and experienced life in a different way than you did!

So, were YOU a virgin when you met her?
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Conrad, I am aware of all of you points. why i am feeling so hurt. i cannot imaging my wife has slept with others guys. she told me that she was young and naive, all happened on her teenagers years 15-19 years. I understand her family background are not the best. her mother never care about her, lost her father when she was 3 years old. have brothers/sisters that are stranger to her. so basically she said she group up alone with no advise or role model to look for. she says, i am her life, everything, that i gave her all she wanted in life and family. she is very hurt for seeing me going into depression. i am also scare that she would commit something stupid.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:14 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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Conrad, I am aware of all of you points. why i am feeling so hurt. i cannot imaging my wife has slept with others guys. she told me that she was young and naive, all happened on her teenagers years 15-19 years. I understand her family background are not the best. her mother never care about her, lost her father when she was 3 years old. have brothers/sisters that are stranger to her. so basically she said she group up alone with no advise or role model to look for. she says, i am her life, everything, that i gave her all she wanted in life and family. she is very hurt for seeing me going into depression. i am also scare that she would commit something stupid.
Are you capable of seeing you already have everything you need to be happy?

Just let it go.

It's about as unimportant as anything can be.

My wife has had many more partners than I ever will.

Does that mean she wins? Does that mean anything about me at all?

No, it's simply part of her experience. She also came from a broken past with abuse and idiot parents.

The thing she and I should be focusing on is being nice to each other and building a life!

That's what you should focus on as well.

Nothing about your current situation has changed. She unburdened herself to feel less guilty.

What would the Savior do in this circumstance?

Aren't you commanded to follow His path?

(I can tell you. He would forgive your wife and tell her to go forth and sin no more. You know this too.)

Get about doing it.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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Understand, I do love her, but have mix feelings. sometimes I am in love, sometimes I hate her for lying to me. we have two beautifull kids and would not want to hurt them, they will suffer the most by this. But i am destroyed, hurt, going crazy. I told her, she should have keft that secret untold forever. I was very happy. now I am destroyed and feel betrayed, wasted all my time with her. I should have been given the option to decide whether to accept her the way she was back when we've met.
she told me the reason she lied was because she was deeply in loved with me and did not want to loose for her past mistakes, that she cannot live with the idea that i am not around her. She told me that she would accept any decision i take, but she will always love me forever, but would take the punisheshments for lying to me. she is also destroyed. i can see in her eyes. she knee on me asking for forgiveness, but i can't. i am so hurt inside that i can't. only our kids are keeping me from runnign away. PLEASE HELP, I NEED PROFESSIONAL ADVISE.
You are absolutely correct, she lied to you. It was very hurtful. You have every right to chose the criteria for the woman you want to be your wife. You were honest and she was not. It is a hard thing to deal with, because now you question the other things she said to you.

So now, the question is what do you want to do about it? What result do you want? Telling you to grow up and let the past be the past does not help when these types of emotions are involved, so work to get where you need to go. Some questions to consider:

Do you believe her story that she loved you and did not want to lose her?
Do you believe that she loves you?
Has she done other things wrong in the relationship? Were you able to forgive her?
Have you done things wrong in the relationship? Was she able to forgive you?
Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
What things could she do to help re-establish your trust in her? What things has she offered to do?
Why did she choose now to reveal this to you?

No matter what, there is no magic pill or solution. It will take some time to deal with this. Perhaps it is wishful thinking, but I think you want to resolve this so that you can stay with your wife. That is commendable, but it will take some work. If that is the case, tell her that you want to stay, but are hurt and betrayed and need to work through this. I would suggest counseling for the two of you to work on this.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:22 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

RR, I can understand you feel pretty betrayed in a retro-active sort of way. Your wife lied to you. That can be a tough one to take.

Yes, she made a mistake.

Don't compound the mistake by making it more than it is.

Like Conrad said, if you go through life and this is the worst thing your spouse does to you, most people here would be extremely jealous and think you a fool for doing something crazy because of this.

Forgive her and remember she's with you now and has been for many many years... by your side, with you.

You don't need professional help, you need to forgive her, forget this and get on with what sounds like a very happy life.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:22 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Conrad, you are absolutely correct on all of your points. however how can i overcome my feelings, depression and believe in her again? i understand, that I am not perfect, only god is perfect. but I am in deep pain that is killing me. Had i know this before we had our kids, i would have walked away from her life.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Considering that the sex started when she was well under the age of consent, it's highly probable that she's confused about what really happened to her during those years. Rape is not always some kind of forcible, physically violent event. It can be one person taking advantage of another's vulnerability for sexual control and personal gratification. It can then be prolonged with blackmail or various forms of bondage, such as always exposing the victim to possibility of pregnancy, loss of job or social status, exposure, physical threatening, control of money, etc.

Since your wife probably didn't get any therapy for what happened to her during these years, she is now blaming herself for how she sees her past behavior from an adult perspective.

And she is an evil person now becasuse she decided to marry someone who would not subject her to some kind of bondage due to her vulnerability...she feels loved enough by you to tell you her secrets and problems, that she never could tell anyone else before, and what do you do? You show her that your love is contingent upon a sexual premise! She will now feel as though she's living in some kind of nightmare, from which she can never escape. Half her life now she has lived in a blessed marital state, and you will now change her history. Because why? I don't get it. You have a chance to be a hero, but given the opportunity, you will become someone like those from her past. :-( There is no hope then for a woman like me, who made many mistakes due to vulnerabilities and blind spots.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:28 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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You don't need professional help, you need to forgive her, forget this and get on with what sounds like a very happy life.
I really disagree with this. She did not just lie to her about beign a virgin. She made up a story about being raped and swore that it was true.

To me, the issue is not about being a virgin (that is up to the poster to decide for himself if that is important) it is about the dishonesty. She lied to him and now he is not sure what to believe. He is questioning her love for him and everything she has ever said. That is normal.

I hope he can forgive her, though it will not be something he likely every forgets. I do think he needs to work through this with her to try and save their marriage and regain his trust in her.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:31 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Do you believe her story that she loved you and did not want to lose her?
yes, I do believe herDo you believe that she loves you?
yes, I doHas she done other things wrong in the relationship? Were you able to forgive her?
no, she has respected me.Have you done things wrong in the relationship? Was she able to forgive you?
yes, like i say i am not perfect. i had an affair in the past and she forgave me for the love she has for me.Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
i believe in forgiveness.What things could she do to help re-establish your trust in her? What things has she offered to do?
reach our to marriage counseling offer by the church.
Why did she choose now to reveal this to you?
because i questioned her, tormented her for two months to tell me the truth, thus she says she wanted to feel free and take it out of her chest.
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

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=southern wife;567019
So, were YOU a virgin when you met her?
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Old 01-27-2012, 11:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife lied about her past, what should I do?

Hey RR, can I ask a practical question?

How the heck did you not notice she was not a virgin the first time you had sex with her?

My wife was virgin when we married. How do I know? Blood... on me and on the sheets.

You must have been the most ignorant guy in the world to have not known this.

Your wife has spent the last 13 years proving her worth to you. Quit being an idiot, be a man and let it go.
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