General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In the five love languages I am highest in physical touch/sex.(big surprise there) My wife is highest in acts of service.
I admit that I do not do enough cleaning around the house. It is something I try to work on. However.....I get overwhelmed easy when I try to clean up. If I do the dishes the sink is filled up with garbage,water,and dirty dishes. I do not understand why people throw garbage in the sink instead of the trash can that is two feet away. Like paper plates, the box frozen food comes in, plastic wrappers from bacon, ect. It takes me an half hour just to make a clean work surface. It can be perfectly clean and the next day it will be real bad again.
Normally I would work 12 to 14 hour days. The last thing I would love to do after work is clean when it is this bad. Regardless of the room it is this bad. It is the last thing I want to do on the weekends. This is not my current situation though, I lost my job in November. I should be at another job shortly.
It is funny because it seems like my wife could care less about cleaning except when I am home. She can go out and have fun ect. Then all of a sudden it is the most important thing in the world. Currently she works from 8:00 and is home around 2:00 on week days. She does have a second job on the weekends that are 8 hour days, but not always everyday of the weekend. So some times she will work two part time jobs 13 days in a row. She tells me how unfair this is. IN THE SUMMERTIME SHE ONLY WORKS THE WEEKENDS. The house is still a mess, but when I get home......I AM LAZY. She calls me lazy all the time to everybody.
So now she tells me that cleaning up the house is to her like sex is for me. I do not know, do people have affairs so that they can clean an house together?
I admit I am bad at helping clean up the house. But I think this is just another excuse for her to get rid of responsibility. It is so she does not have to clean or have sex.
Correct me if I am wrong. Give me some advice how to handle this please. It is the only area in my marriage that I do feel guilt.
You shouldnt have to do the house work all the time it should be shared. If you can draw up a rota that is fair to both of you also fits around both your jobs. If she doesnt stick to her part then show her the rota just so you can both get into a routine and once you both are comfortable with it throw it away. Both of you should agree to the rota and who does what just so its fair
My wife slacks on the cleaning as well, but she doesn't work. It tends to go in cycles. The better she feels about herself, the more likely it is that she'll clean.
I'm like you when it comes to cleaning. I clean as I go, rather than building up and spending a ton of time tearing down. I also work 12hrs+ a day.
One day, try biting the bullet and cleaning at least one room completely spotless. I did that, and she has done a much better job cleaning ever since.
All you can do is try and see where it goes. Maybe you'll clean and have some knockout sex.
Just to give you more perspective about my faults. I am also a messy type person. If I have a lot of stuff it is not organized it is every place. How I deal with it is I prefer not to have many things around. What I do have is researched and the best bang for the buck and is used often.
The only time the house is clean she has done it...sort of. It is cleaned by shoving what I would call junk into every hidden spot, spare room ect. At the same time I think it is junk, I also realize it is crap that she bought with our limited money. So I also feel guilt throwing junk out knowing how many hours I worked to purchase it.
When I try to clean the house the first thing I do is collect garbage that should not be there. Then I collect the things that should be in a proper spot, like dishes that are in the living room. What remains is junk. I have no idea what to do with it. She sees the house and tells me "you did not do anything." But I tried
Really it is almost a fantasy for me to get my own place. A modest home on a few acres. Big 80" screen TV and a bed. Table to eat at. Enough clothes to last a few days, just wash and wear them over again. You get the idea. Minimal stuff but high quality and usage.
I don't do everything on one day. I do vacuum every day becasue our Labrador sheds so much! but the bathrooms are cleaned on Mondays and Thursdays now...and laundry--- I do one load a day. We have two hampers to sort it (whites and darks)...makes it easier.
I clean the kitchen while dinner is cooking...
Maybe if you have a house cleaning day and everyone takes that day to clean, then you can just maintain. I know its' overwhelming when there's SOOO much to do! I have been there...you just don't want to do anything! You don't know where to start! I took one day and just got to it. I've been maintaining for 4 months.
Break it down room by room. Its obviously going to take a LOT of time at first, because of the way you described things. You just have to get the house fully done, room by room, and then clean as you go to maintain.
I honestly think your housework should be split in half. If you have kids, make them help! You both work very hard outside the home.
We give chores 8 and up. I do not give allowance either, it's expected everyone pulls their fair share. I'm disabled with a spine injury. I broke my neck 4.5 years ago and am disabled in pain. Any activity increases pain, so the housework takes all day with resting in between. My husband does not like to clean. Usually he will do supper dishes, but with him working extra lately, he leaves them in the sink. By evening I have an ice pack on my neck, so I'm done for the night. They get done first thing in the morning.
I'm unable to work, but I do keep the housework up when I'm felling well enough. I don't like looking at messes and my youngest has OCD where everything needs to be in its place and clean. Posted via Mobile Device
Make a chore list together. For each day, on a week calendar, write your name and her name down. Then write the chores you are both responsible for that day.
Make it REALISTIC and stick to it. If you stick to your side of the bargain she will have no more excuses to blame you. Maybe clean the livingroom one day, clean the bathroom the next... Alternate dishes by day... eat dinner earlier so that you can get the dishes done and still have a couple hours to relax before bed.
If you do your half of things she can't possibly complain. Seriously she sounds like a slob - I'd put a trash can next to the sink and tell everyone NOT to put trash in the sink. If it continues I'd put a huge red sign or something like that.
I generally clean my entire house top to bottom everyday. My H helps as well. I get up at 4am for work and usually get to bed around 11pm. Then again, I have OCD. Posted via Mobile Device
The only hang up, cleaning the house? 
