General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Due to me being laid off over the last couple of years, I have had to rely on unemployment. I also was able to find a part time as needed job that gave me some extra money in the interim. Recently, my unemployment lapsed and lost about two week worth of money. I have now had to find more hours in my as needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills.
This week I had to work a 12 hour over night shift (after 4 hours of sleep) on Thursday, a 12 hour overnight shift on Friday (after a fragmented 6 hours of sleep), a few hours Saturday night, and I am on my way to do a 12 hour day shift for Sunday (after five hours of sleep).
Saturday morning when I got home, my husband was upset that I was too tired to have sex. Um, really? So I have to work to help with the finances around here, plus keep up with my nursing school studies, plus take care of our toddler, plus take care of the home, all while you spend a good amount of your free time watching tv and on youtube. You're upset?!
Not too mention, the main reason I'm having to really hustle these hours is because he made a "family" decision to buy a car that we weren't financially ready to buy. But you're upset because I'm working to help keep the car from being repossessed. How quickly we forget.
I can imagine the tension at your home. Have y'all sat down to discuss this in a serious manner? This situation will create resentment that will effect your sex life long after the situation resolves itself.
What does your husband say about sitting at home "playing", while your being stretched thin? Posted via Mobile Device
My husband really does not understand the amount of work it takes into being successful in nursing school. I have already resolved in myself that I don't have to have perfect grades, but I do need to study. When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." Um, so you're saying you can't take a break from the tv and computer to let me read for a couple of hours? But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.
With me working too, I do ask for my husband to help as much as he can around the house, but when you have time to watch over four hours of tv every night after work, you have time to help a little more. I really don't want that much. I don't ask that often, but when I do ask, please don't be so inconvenienced to miss your tv show. I miss them all the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry
I can imagine the tension at your home. Have y'all sat down to discuss this in a serious manner? This situation will create resentment that will effect your sex life long after the situation resolves itself.
What does your husband say about sitting at home "playing", while your being stretched thin? Posted via Mobile Device
I completely understand, this is something that needs resolved now. I've never had to deal with my husband not pitching in, so I'm not sure how to bring it up with your hubby. I personally would lay it out to mine.... But then again our household can be pretty blunt in our conversations. Good luck and hopefully someone with more experience with this will come along shortly. Posted via Mobile Device
At first I was not going to have any sympathy for you. I worked similar hours when my wife was a stay at home mom.
But then you mentioned the car. It is one thing to work hard to get ahead. It is another thing to work hard over poor buying decisions. Especially if you voiced your opinion before it was bought.
You did not mention how many hours he works. If he is not willing to work as hard as you, get rid of the car. Let his butt walk.
People that buy things they are not willing to work for bug me. Have a talk with him why he is not willing to work hard for the things he wants.
but I do need to study. When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." Um, so you're saying you can't take a break from the tv and computer to let me read for a couple of hours? But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.
See this would've been an excellent opportunity in my house to lay it out to him. Posted via Mobile Device
This is someone I would leave. Just sayin'. I'd rather do it alone and make it alone then have some guat like this reminding me that I could have help, but don't.
When I ask for him to watch the baby so I can get some reading done, I always get a reply "you can study tomorrow or you can study at work." ... But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse.
Sounds like you've got yourself a real peach of a guy there.
Another red flag. Your first post you said "needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills."
And the second post you said "But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse."
Wow you are stepping up to do what is needed and he is already trying to figure out how to spend more money.
He sounds very immature. You do not mention your ages. Did he ever have the responsibility of living on his own? Paying everything for himself.
That I think is the problem with my own wife. She can't follow a budget. She just thinks the money I earn his hers and feels entitled to it. She also wants a new car, sofa, ect as soon as I start my new job. Well it is not going to happen that way. If she gets upset about so what. I am taking control for what is best for the family. If she can not see that I know she can at least see the door.
Oh trust me, I did lay into him. I can see him trying to make a little effort to "support" what I'm doing, but right now its mostly in word. I'm confident the deeds will follow. Its just that when you do stuff that you think is helping someone and its not helping them, you can't get mad.
E.g. yesterday he cooked instead of me cooking. Um, all we did was switch roles, I washed dishes and watched the baby, which is what you would have done if I had cooked. I really didn't get anything extra done. After that, he asked me if he was supporting me enough by cooking. In this case, I see the effort, but nothing additional was accomplished.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherry
See this would've been an excellent opportunity in my house to lay it out to him. Posted via Mobile Device
He does work full time. I give him that, but no matter how many hours you work, if something is not affordable, it is not affordable. I told him that buying a car before tax time while I am still mostly drawing unemployment was not a wise decision. Unemployment is not a reliable and steady source of income and can end at anytime. What do you know, come January, my unemployment ended. We were going to be short on the car note anyway with or without my unemployment, but now to cover the other basics I was covering, I have to really take as many hours as I can at work, in addition to keeping up with school.
I'm not really interested in changing him, but the situation is going to have to change him or I'm not tolerating it. Please believe I will cut the cable off, don't ask me for extra spending money, don't ask me why we can only eat certain food. Bills have to be covered.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyGuy
At first I was not going to have any sympathy for you. I worked similar hours when my wife was a stay at home mom.
But then you mentioned the car. It is one thing to work hard to get ahead. It is another thing to work hard over poor buying decisions. Especially if you voiced your opinion before it was bought.
You did not mention how many hours he works. If he is not willing to work as hard as you, get rid of the car. Let his butt walk.
People that buy things they are not willing to work for bug me. Have a talk with him why he is not willing to work hard for the things he wants.
Trust me, I let him know. I can understand him being anxious since we are in such a tight situation, but just because I am going to be making more money, does not mean I'm interested in going crazy. We have a child to take care of. We are barely making it now with are one 15 year old car and our newly acquired car. I'm not interested in as soon as I get a job jumping ito a new BMW (just an example.) I still want to keep it simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CrazyGuy
Another red flag. Your first post you said "needed job to help keep up with my part of the bills."
And the second post you said "But yet, you want to tell me how you're going to spend the money when I become a nurse."
Wow you are stepping up to do what is needed and he is already trying to figure out how to spend more money.
He sounds very immature. You do not mention your ages. Did he ever have the responsibility of living on his own? Paying everything for himself.
That I think is the problem with my own wife. She can't follow a budget. She just thinks the money I earn his hers and feels entitled to it. She also wants a new car, sofa, ect as soon as I start my new job. Well it is not going to happen that way. If she gets upset about so what. I am taking control for what is best for the family. If she can not see that I know she can at least see the door.
I'm not really interested in changing him, but the situation is going to have to change him or I'm not tolerating it. Please believe I will cut the cable off, don't ask me for extra spending money, don't ask me why we can only eat certain food. Bills have to be covered.
Something tells me he is going to eat a lot of macaroni and cheese.
Really? Bills Are High...I have to work 
