General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Are you guys all serious?? I see NO problem with him having a co workers phone number. I also have worked in MANY environments in which we all had each others numbers. Its better to keep in touch if shifts need to be covered or someone needs help.
Its not that phones and emails should be OFF limits, as in he should be hiding everything. Its that there should be trust in a marriage. And if he hasnt been unfaithful to her, than by snooping in his phone while he was gone shows they she doesnt trust her. A marriage with that kind of distrust will fail. Why did she feel the need to snoop in his phone while he was gone? If she had a question about who he was talking to or something, she could have asked. Or asked to see it. Instead she felt to the need to be sneaky behind his back. If he has given her reason to not trust him, then they need to seek help and conversations need to be had. Snooping in his phone is still not the way to handle it. This is so dysfunctional.
I would be heartbroken if my husband felt that he couldnt trust me and needed to look through me messages when I was gone. Its not that he's not allowed to see them...why does he feel the need to? Does he really think I'm cheating?
And I already said, a couple times now, that if the OP has given her reason to not trust him than they NEED help! How does allowing her to see all his messages rebuild trust? He has the ability to delete stuff before she sees it? He can get another phone, another email acct. This does NOT keep him accountable or rebuild trust. It furthers distrust and insecurity.
AGAIN... I have known MANY cheaters. (I have never been cheated on personally) But cheaters will cheat no matter what. I've never seen a person refrain from cheating or heard of a person refrain from cheating because their wife snooped around. In fact, that just causes resentment and a further wedge in the relationship causing more risk of infidelity.
I'm very sorry that you are having such a hard time. It must be intolerable to know your spouse does not trust you. Especially if you are a loving devoted husband. (I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here)
Marriage should NOT be about snooping around in every part of each others lives. I get the feeling from your posts so far, that if she had come to you with concerns, or asked to see something specific on your phone (because maybe you were getting a lot of messages or phone calls) you would have been open to showing her or talking about it. Am I right?? But the going behind your back and snooping is in and of itself a betrayal. She obviously doesnt trust you and that hurts.
My advice is that while you are both in counseling, that you don't hold back your feelings for fear of her getting upset. If she does something, like this, and it bothers you, make sure she knows about it. Otherwise you're just going to be harboring resentment for your entire marriage.
Now this is a good piece of advice. And something that I have been trying to work on. Because if all I worry about are about her feelings, then unfortunately my own feelings get neglected. Like the psychiatrist said that I can't keep on rescuing her. And yes, I even feel responsible sometimes that my wife needs to take psychiatric medication.
That must be very tough. It is absolutely important that you are able to speak to her without fear of her reaction. This is also a type of trust in a relationship that you two are obviously missing. COguy is correct, during counseling is probably the best place to start doing that. Do you feel your wife can learn to trust and get over her insecurities??? Over time?
Marriage should NOT be about snooping around in every part of each others lives. I get the feeling from your posts so far, that if she had come to you with concerns, or asked to see something specific on your phone (because maybe you were getting a lot of messages or phone calls) you would have been open to showing her or talking about it. Am I right?? But the going behind your back and snooping is in and of itself a betrayal. She obviously doesnt trust you and that hurts.
I hope that the two of you can work this out.
Yes, it's one thing to ask about messages, and completely another to go around looking yourself.
This time, once she finally was able to say it out loud, I explained to her what the message was about. Eventually she did calm down.
But then later on, sometimes hours, sometimes days, she will start feeling really depressed about herself and having done that. Which does not help her self esteem one bit, because then she feels that why should I stay with someone like her.
See the pattern already?
I'm not necessarily looking for any advice for her per se. But more for me. I'm trying to find ways of coping with the cycles, and really finding a sympathetic ear so far has been very helpful.
Of course you could say that I should talk it out with my wife. And I'm working on that as well. But in the mean time I do need some other ways of getting it out as well.
Okay, I see what you are saying. That advice is harder to give. Haha. She has a self destructive cycle, and that is VERY hard to deal with. You naturally want to feel responsible for each of her emotions. I hope that you are able to separate yourself from that responsibility. Remind yourself that you are doing what you need to as a husband. You are supporting her by standing by her while the two of you get help. That is a good thing. You obviously care for her, or else you wouldn't tolerate this and just leave. This is also an admirable trait. Do you see a counselor by yourself? (sorry if you already answered that question) Having someone to validate you feelings and talk to away from your wife can help. I would also suggest finding some sort of physical activity you can do. Physical activity raises your serotonin levels in the brain which help you cope with all types of stresses. It can actually physically help your mind During this time, try to focus on something else. Giving yourself down time from this problem is necessary in staying sane
In a committed, loving LT relationship where there is no reason to snoop on your other half, then why do cell phones and e-mail accounts need to be open books - is there no measure of privacy allowed just because you're in a committed lT relationship - is that in the vows somewhere - did I miss it?
I too, was a snooping wife at one time - not because my husband cheated or anything that warranted it - the problem - it took me a while to acknowledge and figure out - was ME.
I was getting older, feeling uneasy, that I didn't "have it" anymore, my self-esteem was in the toilet - I had no confidence - all brought on by myself and about myself - but I projected it onto him and it nearly destroyed my marriage - my INSECURITY.
Once my counselor and I got through it, I realized that I brought it on myself - so I worked to increase my own self-esteem and feel better about me and guess what happened when I did - the fear and snooping went away - so did the suspicions, etc.
My husband (and I for that matter) have a reason to expect some privacy - I did not give up my rights, nor did he to be my own person when we married or my own privacy.
If he wants to see my cell phone and e-mail, then I will open them to him because I don't have anything to hide - but I also expect him to respect my privacy to have my OWN cell phone and my OWN e-mail without him as a joint partner in those endeavors unless there is a need for there to be.
People who believe that a partner does not deserve any privacy have their own issues to work out...everyone deserves the right to privacy unless they do something that gives up that right - if not, then my e-mail is mine and yours is yours.
Also, I have learned that I have to take care of myself first.
Yes, my wife may have an illness. But if I'm not well myself, how could I even start to help her?
Illnesses sometimes become scapegoats to excuse all behavior when they are not at the root of someone's all encompassing bad behavior.
My husband has had a previous stroke and brain trauma. While it is an excuse for when he speaks incorrectly, walks abnormally, forgets where he is going, what he is doing, etc., it is NOT an excuse for when he's acting like a jerk, etc.
His counselor has warned me NOT to accept bad behavior as a result of his medical conditions.
I suggest you think about doing the same...while she may have a real and diagnosed condition - not everything she does can be blamed on it - some of it may just her being a b$tch and blaming her illness for it.
I got caught up in this thinking that I had to excuse "everything" my husband did because he's sick, but his own counselor disagreed - accept what is actually the illness, but do not accept them using it to behave badly.
MarriedWifeinLove I absolutely agree with you! And kudos to you for working on yourself and overcoming a struggle. That is so hard to do. I admire you. I also agree with you on the illness.
I too have a chronic illness and although that limits the amount of stuff I can do, it doesnt give me license to be disrespectful to my husband.
Yes Angel...my things are not locked up, and neither are my husbands. They arent locked because neither of us feels the need to hide it from each other, and neither of us feels the need to snoop. If I ever had a concern or started feeling insecure or worried, I give my husband enough respect to talk to him about. Even if I felt I needed to see something, I would ask him and express what I was going through. Not snoop around behind his back
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Re: Suspicions, suspicions 
During this time, try to focus on something else. Giving yourself down time from this problem is necessary in staying sane
