General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
New member here, a little back story. My wife is 33 I'm 29, we have a 4 year old and an 8 month old. We've been married 3 years, together for 5 years. I am a police officer and works nights, she is an apartment manager and works 9-5 Mon through Fri. Before she got pregnant with the youngest one, everything was going great. She started being different during the pregnancy of our 8 month old. Halfway through the pregnancy she stopped having sex with me and was much less affectionate with me. Now after the baby was born everything continued to be different. We still haven't had sex even one time, she doesn't kiss me hardly ever at all, we don't cuddle up in bed, etc etc etc.
For the past week or so I could tell her attitude towards me became worse, she seemed more frustrated and stressed out than normal. I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, and she dropped the bomb on me. She said that I'm never home to help and that she does everything on her own. She said it doesn't even feel like we are married. I asked her if she wanted to be married to me and if she loved me. She said that she loves me but doesn't feel like she is in love me. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said no, that she wants to stay with me and hopes that things will get better.
I know its tough for her dealing with kids mostly on her own. I hate not being home more than I am, but there isn't much more I can do unless I quit my job. When i am home I help out as much as I can. I do most of the cleaning in the house and take care of the stuff outside like the grass, flowers etc. I don't want our marriage to end, but I don't how much more frustrated she can get before she wants a divorce. Any advice on what I should do? I don't believe she is having an affair, I have checked her phone,ipad, computer, etc. I've used my experience in law enforcement to check and make sure. I'm just torn on what to do.
There are three books you need to get and more other posters can recommend. The first "Love Busters" (may be free to read online", "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs". People here have said they are wonderful and it sounds like your wife is motivated.
On the affair side make sure she is not doingsomething close to home that she doesn't need the equipment for. Also s secret affair phone might be used. She may be being super careful because you are a police officer.
She also needs to be checked by her doctor (go with her).
There are three books you need to get and more other posters can recommend. The first "Love Busters" (may be free to read online", "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs". People here have said they are wonderful and it sounds like your wife is motivated.
On the affair side make sure she is not doingsomething close to home that she doesn't need the equipment for. Also s secret affair phone might be used. She may be being super careful because you are a police officer.
She also needs to be checked by her doctor (go with her).
I'll be sure to read those. Also on the affair thing, she she doesn't do anything to make me think there is someone else. I know it sounds weird but she doesn't pretty her self up. She will go several days without shaving her legs which I think if she was cheating that'd be the first thing she'd do. I know that she goes to work, after work picks up the kids and goes home. She doesn't have any time for someone else.
I know she hates the way she looks. She won't even let me see her naked, she always closes the door when she changes clothes and covers herself up if I walk into the bathroom. She gained weight after the baby was born and is the heaviest she's ever been. I try to tell her how beautiful she is and all that but it doesn't matter. we haven't had sex since November 2010 when she was pregnant. I'm 29, not having sex is hard... I've asked her to talk to her doctor about post-partum depression but she has done nothing about it.
So sorry to hear about your situation... It sounds like things are rough. I used to be a police officer and know too well the difficulties the Job can cause to a marriage. I've been together with the wife for 20+ years. I'm new to posting but have been a lurker on this site for quite a while.
I have a laundry list of questions I am going to throw out there for you to try to help you and everyone else problem solve this.
When you say she became more frustrated and stressed out, what do you mean? Can you be more specific? Frustrated towards life in general, or just towards you? Have you gotten specific complaints, or is it a general thing? Is it directed towards outsiders and/or the children, or just you? How frustrated was she before things got worse this week on a scale of 1-10, and how frustrated is she now on a scale of 1-10?
Have you specifically discussed with her the fact that you aren't getting any sex or affection and it is important to you? What was the response?
Is your wife back to working? Full time? Part time?
What kind of support system do you and your wife have in place as far as family and friends? How is it working, in your opinion?
How much are you home when you aren't working? Do you have many other activities that keep you away from the house when you aren't working? (choir practices, outside interests, etc)
Are you working 8's, 10's, or 12's? How many days off do you have at a time and how do they sync with her schedule? Do you have a lot of mandatory or non-mandatory overtime? Second job?
Have you suffered any Critical Incidents affecting you during this time?
Do you take the job home with you or do you leave it at the station? Has anything changed in that regard that could be part of the situation at home?
Are there other indicators that would lead you to suspect your wife might be suffering from depression?
Have you talked to family or friends to see if you can gain any information about her state of mind?
What did you say to her exactly when you asked her to follow up with her Doctor to screen for depression? How did she respond? How long ago did you ask? Did you only ask once, or have you asked more than once?
When the sex and affection stopped flowing, were there any significant events that occurred? (fight between you, any comments you could have made that would upset her, pregnancy scare, work problem, etc?)
It sounds like you are doing a lot of household tasks. How much of the childcare are you doing when you aren't working?
How long has her increased modesty been present? Was it going on during the pregnancy, did it start immediately after, or is it recent?
I finally got her to tell me what was wrong, and she dropped the bomb on me. She said that I'm never home to help and that she does everything on her own. She said it doesn't even feel like we are married. .
She gave you everything you need here. You have to create a happy scenario in your home, with togetherness and fun between you and your wife being a central focus of your life.
Wives fall out of love with their husbands anywhere between the 5-10 year mark. Many times earlier. It rarely goes longer. And contrary to all of the advice you'll get here, they RARELY come back. Didn't they tell you this would happen in your pre-marriage classes? No? Mine neither. Maybe they should start.
So get used to your new room mate and get yourself some new hobbies. You take your shift, let her have hers. Your kind of lucky that way. You don't have to see a miserably depressed woman bringing the house down all for those hours you're apart. I kind of consider you lucky.
Wives fall out of love with their husbands anywhere between the 5-10 year mark. Many times earlier. It rarely goes longer. And contrary to all of the advice you'll get here, they RARELY come back. Didn't they tell you this would happen in your pre-marriage classes? No? Mine neither. Maybe they should start.
So get used to your new room mate and get yourself some new hobbies. You take your shift, let her have hers. Your kind of lucky that way. You don't have to see a miserably depressed woman bringing the house down all for those hours you're apart. I kind of consider you lucky.
That's a good attitude...don't try because you'll just end up failing... Contrary to bitters, there are people in happy, long-term marriages. It takes work and commitment from both parties.
You took the first step, you listened to your wife. Now you're taking the second step, finding out what's wrong and fixing it. His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and the 5 Love languages are all really good books to try. So is the Love Dare.
The point is that you open the lines of communication to find out what's really upsetting her, and you work to meet that need for her. Sounds like she is asking to spend more time with you and have more help around the house. What can you do to pick it up in those areas? Maybe you can't change your work schedule, but can you commit to more when you are at home?
I feel happy for you that you caught this while she's still willing to work on it and before it looks like she found someone else. Go gung-ho with this and you'll see a major change in your life. For me the light-bulb went off when I realized that I was trying to blame my wife for her unhappiness, thinking she was just an unhappy person. When I realized that all the nice things I said to her, the I love you's and encouragement, they meant absolutely nothing to her if I wasn't helping around the house. I realized that doing the dishes for her or taking the kids without her having to ask felt the same to her as if she jumped me when I walked in the door.
When that clicked for me, I started enjoying doing all the things that I had been reluctant to. Now I actually enjoy picking up the house, doing the laundry, doing the dishes, I know it makes her feel loved. Also, it helped me express my needs more clearly, and now that she sees that I'm working on making her feel loved, she works harder to do the same for me.
My takeaway is that you work hard at a dangerous job (and perhaps long hours as well) to support your family and still pitch in a great deal around the home.
I think you need to both sit down and figure out what are her issues and both your priorities for this marriage. For instance, are you working much more than 40 hours or does it just seem like it to her? Does she really resent you not being around more, or is she just overwhelmed being a mother and needing time away from the kids? Is she resentful that you are gone nights, weekends, and holidays when many other families are together?
Once you've identified the issues, reassure her that you are willing to work these issues out with her. But advise her that a solution might involve compromise on her part as well; that's just reality and you might be surprised on her willingness to rework things. If she is not happy with your current career, is she suggesting that you change jobs? Would she accept a lower standard of living in order to have you home more? Would she be willing to give up some luxuries in order to pay for some domestic help or a baby sitter? If she really wants to reclaim her identity as an adult / individual, perhaps she could get a job to help out if you decide to shift gears and be home more?
Unfortunately, resources and time are finite and there are no easy answers. Let us know how it goes, and good luck to you!
wife is frustraded, not in love anymore 
