Is this a guy thing?
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Question Is this a guy thing?

I've been with my partner for 8 years now and I'm not happy.

We don't communicate well which is a huge problem. Sometimes there's lack of communication on his end and other times he's just really bad at communicating what he really means. I've discovered this to be the case sometimes after a huge argument when I say something and he says "but that's what I mean" when that wasn't what he had been actually saying that whole time. So sometimes were on the same page but the way he explains it sometimes makes it sound like he's against me and what I am saying. It's hard to deal with because I usually end up getting really worked up over something I didn't need to and it's a huge waste of time.

When it comes to my marriage a lot of my needs aren't being met emotionally or sexually. Honestly I could write a list but I wont. I think all of our problems are workable. What bothers me is that he doesn't work on any of our problems with me. He and I are opposites in personality so whereas he could see a problem and ignore it I see one and fixate on it until it's worked through.

I feel like the weight of the marriage is almost completely on my shoulders and he wants the benefits of being married without any of the work. When we talk about what we want for ourselves we seem to be on the same track. But when it comes to working on being happy and taking care of each others needs he seems to shut down.

The thing is, I love him very much. I want to be with him for the rest of my life which is why I married him and I get that were young (he's 25) but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I cant function like this. Is this normal? Is this a guy thing? Should I stick around and wait til it gets better?
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:01 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

You're talking about problems but havent actually listed any specific ones. Communication is a constant battle between any two people. Its not a guy thing, its not even a couple thing, its a people thing. Everyone has their own unique way of communicating. Some people are more articulate than others. Thats just something you have to learn and you will have to learn just the same with any one you are with.

What are these other problems? You're sexually not satisfied? Why? Does he have sex with you? If the desire is all still there, but its just not very good, then see a counselor that work with sex lives. Sex is kind of like communication, some times it takes work because everyone is different.

If you arent sexually satisfied because you arent attracted to him or something like that, well then you have problem. Try to be romantic and see if the spark comes back.

How are you not emotionally satisfied?

You say that you could write a list, so write one. You arent going to get very good advice if we dont know what these problems you speak of are. Right now, based on what you've said, it sounds more like you are unhappy because of you and it has very little to do with him. Which is okay, it just means that you need to figure out how to be happy, without relying on someone else to make you happy.
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Old 01-31-2012, 05:02 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

My biggest problem is that he doesn't cooperate with me to solve our issues. We aren't a team because he doesn't work with me. So if I do have a problem the first thing I do is go to him and tell him x y & z is bothering me. Then I ask him what are we going to do about it? He never has any suggestions so i suggest something. Sometimes he'll agree to try what I suggest other times he doesn't. The times he has agreed he doesn't go through with it anyway. My problem is that we dont work anything out. Im here 8 years with him now and we still cant work out our problems. I thought by now we would be more comfortable together.

Im asking if it's a guy thing to do that. You always here about guys "not wanting to change" and im not trying to change him but im trying to change us so we function better together. But he wont work with me.

But to answer your question yes i'm very attracted to him that's not the issue. And yes we have sex. I'm just not satisfied sexually. That also takes teamwork, i believe, and we have the same issues there. He wont work with me.

He is a nice guy, he really is. With the right intentions also but he doesn't act on it.
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Old 01-31-2012, 06:50 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

He's not sexually satisfying you and he's not emotionally satisfying you, and yet, you love him. That makes no sense.
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Old 01-31-2012, 07:00 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

Try reading the 5 Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs together and doing the questionaires about each other's needs.

That can be helpful in showing him that you are not trying to change him, but asking each other to modify your behaviors so that there is a balance in the relationship and you are both happy.

It can be really useful to fill out that questionaire and read each other's responses.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:17 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

I'll be honest, yes I think this is a guy thing. We tend to live happy lives with the status quo. For many years I was content with my marriage and situation even though my wife was miserable. It bothers me that many times it takes something drastic to happen for us to "snap out of it", but I suppose that's the way life works.

I ask myself now what it would have taken, outside of my wife getting involved with someone else, to snap me out of it. And honestly, I think one of the few things that would have hit me, is if she said she told me she was leaving unless I did X,Y, and Z. I really didn't get how unhappy she was until I heard her say some of the things she did in counseling, and this was only because she was seeing someone else. If she would have been serious about leaving, I think I would have come around (maybe not right away, but certainly as she left).

I don't want to tell you to leave your husband, I think a good start is writing a letter and letting him know just how unhappy you are and SPECIFICALLY what he needs to do to change it. Give it to him when he's not stressed out and you guys aren't fighting, and be as respectful and caring as you can. If that doesn't work, then you can look at escalating it.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:37 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

I do not think it is just a guy thing either - my wife is a lot like this...I have to move mountains to get her to really hear me and work with me, even about the smallest things.

One thing that I have found that helps is to be very specific. Even I'm having trouble understanding the problems you are having based on what your wrote. Do you and he have difficulty working on problems together, or do you have difficulty agreeing on what the problems are?

Forgive me for nitpicking but like Hicks said, if you are having sex but are not satisfied, that would be hard for me to understand - what exactly do you need from him? What exactly are the problems you want to work on? What exactly do you need him to change to meet your needs? etc.
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:05 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I don't think it's a guy thing. I was like your husband when I first got married and it took therapy to teach me how to work together to solve problems. Prior to that I expected my husband to do it all. I didn't want to do any work. I was lazy and selfish.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:32 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

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Originally Posted by Hicks View Post
He's not sexually satisfying you and he's not emotionally satisfying you, and yet, you love him. That makes no sense.
He hasn't always not satisfied me emotionally. I've been with him since I was 15 yes I love him very much. I don't expect him to be perfect. I just want him to work on our issues.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by deejov View Post
Try reading the 5 Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs together and doing the questionaires about each other's needs.

That can be helpful in showing him that you are not trying to change him, but asking each other to modify your behaviors so that there is a balance in the relationship and you are both happy.

It can be really useful to fill out that questionaire and read each other's responses.
Thanks for your advice, I am going to look into both of those books and see if we can do it together. Hopefully he'll agree.
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Old 01-31-2012, 03:39 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this a guy thing?

Yes, this is normal. Guys sometimes don't communicate well because they believe the problem is not poor communication of problems (which can be solved), but genuine conflicts of interest (which only lead to bigger problems). When a problem seems unsolvable, alot of guys clam up and repress their feelings. We just try to deal.

Also, some guys (I have and sometimes do) converse by bouncing ideas off of others, having no attachment to the success of their ideas. To most women I know, this is demoralizing, as they will tend to be attached to their ideas, and when an idea is met with ANOTHER idea, it creates conflict.

I have no idea why a guy would not be interested in sexually satisfying his wife. That to me is basically inhuman, mean, manipulative, and evil, and a place where there is no room to compromise. Granted, you might need some wierd stuff that he isn't into, but that is about the only place where he gets a pass. In other words, I have no advise there.
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Old 01-31-2012, 07:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I have no idea why a guy would not be interested in sexually satisfying his wife. That to me is basically inhuman, mean, manipulative, and evil, and a place where there is no room to compromise. Granted, you might need some wierd stuff that he isn't into, but that is about the only place where he gets a pass. In other words, I have no advise there.

Um i didn't say that it doesn't feel good or pleasurable... it does im just not satisfied. ahem

he wants the right things but he doesn't do the work to get the right things. I hope that makes sense. Funny thing is he is the same way in our relationship. Things between us would be so much better if he'd just try at least tried to make it better.
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by COguy View Post
I'll be honest, yes I think this is a guy thing. We tend to live happy lives with the status quo. For many years I was content with my marriage and situation even though my wife was miserable. It bothers me that many times it takes something drastic to happen for us to "snap out of it", but I suppose that's the way life works.

I ask myself now what it would have taken, outside of my wife getting involved with someone else, to snap me out of it. And honestly, I think one of the few things that would have hit me, is if she said she told me she was leaving unless I did X,Y, and Z. I really didn't get how unhappy she was until I heard her say some of the things she did in counseling, and this was only because she was seeing someone else. If she would have been serious about leaving, I think I would have come around (maybe not right away, but certainly as she left).

I don't want to tell you to leave your husband, I think a good start is writing a letter and letting him know just how unhappy you are and SPECIFICALLY what he needs to do to change it. Give it to him when he's not stressed out and you guys aren't fighting, and be as respectful and caring as you can. If that doesn't work, then you can look at escalating it.
The longer this goes on the more I think that is my only option, to leave and "snap him out of it" and I keep trying to ignore it but that seems the only option I have left. Unfortunately I've told him I would leave if x y& z doesn't happen. And when it didn't happen I was too afraid of hurting him to leave.

So although that might be considered an empty threat now I'll try the letter exercise. Ive never tried that before and if it doesn't work I guess I'll know what options I have left. I'm also going to try reading The 5 Love Languages & His Needs Her Needs with him. All of these seem to be the only optionS I have left. Sigh.
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