MollyMcBudda

First of all, thanks for reading this. I am not sure where to start. But I will try. I apologize for the length of this...

My DH and I were married after finding out I was pregnant. .I had moved in with him about 6 months previous to our marriage and 3 months previous to our pregnancy. We had been together off and on for 3 1/2 years and had a very rocky relationship but it was always clear that DH loved me very much and would come to my rescue often. We enjoyed each other but I always thought I could do better. To be honest, his friends are trashy, and he isn't at all what I thought I would end up with.

DH lost his job when I was 8 months pregnant and with no money in the bank and about $15,000 worth of debt, he decided to start his own business. Discussing it with me was never a consideration. So, I kept my own COBRA in order to have our child, and luckily was getting unemployment at the time.

Now my unemployment is over and marriage has been very difficult for me. I am in my mid-thirties and was used to being on my own. Same with him. We are currently uninsured, although I have government aid for our child. All the money he brings in goes back to his business. His credit score is very low, in the 400-500 range because he doesn't pay his bills on time. I know he is under a lot of pressure. I have asked him to do a budget with me, and he refuses to hand over any money to me except $50 here and there when he gets paid. I have no access to his money or his accounts.

When we were newly married and I was pregnant, I was able to save $6500 in a savings account, $1500 that we each put in and then the rest was gifts. That account has $15 in it now and I have never touched it. He says he took "his" $1500 out when we were having trouble 8 months ago. He spent the rest on "bills".

I enrolled us, with the $ we were given at Xmas, into a Financial class, but DH says that he cannot create a budget or save, when the money has to go back into his business.

Last night I asked him what he thought his legacy was, and he said it was "my business". I asked him why he didn't think our child was his legacy and had no answer.

Also, things have been violent before. He has hit me. Twice when we were drunk during our dating times (he pulled my necklace off of me which did leave my neck black and blue from the necklace tearing off of my neck), and he attacked me when I was 8 months pregnant. He never left marks on me but he did pull a chunk of my hair out the last time. It almost always stems from money and my worry over it.

I know that I might have provoked some of this by being so worried all of the time about money and our future. I can't stop talking about it. We have no money in the bank.

He waits until the last minute with things, for example, he owes $1000 on a speeding ticket this month. It was due 5 months ago for $600 but he didn't have the money then, he went to court, got it postponed but it has turned into $1000. He is constantly paying late payments which I feel brings us down.

I personally have no debt. My credit score is in the 700's.
He has about $15,000 in debt which he brought to the marriage including the car.

I obsess over his debt and how we will pay it. We are still in a 1 room apartment, and he hasn't paid rent since August. His parents own the building, so they let it slide...

Every penny he makes almost goes back to the business and he swears it will be profitable but I feel like he isn't providing for us. At the same time, I haven't found a job I can take and afford childcare with and he has made it clear that that is my responsibility and unless I can pay for it, I am not entitled to a job. I have asked about night work and he is not willing to commit to being with the baby at night so I can work, because if he gets a job call, he has to be available. I do believe in his success, BUT I have never seen him profit from all of his hard work. He knows how to work but it seems like he has no idea how to keep money.

He also goes out with a couple of his friends and will not come home until the next morning. That happens about once every 3 months.
Last night I asked him when or if I get a say in the money and he point blank said No.

I am at my wits end.
He also has a tendency to call me names, has told me I am a sh#### mother, a f-ing B, the C word, and several other words, and uses them readily and whenever he is upset. He also tells me I am negative, I worry too much, I suck all the joy out of life, I am a bad person, and that I am the reason he is not
succeeding. Could this be true? Could my negativity and worry be killing my family?

I keep wondering if this all stems from how I felt before we were married. That he wasn't "good enough" to be with me....
Is there any hope that this will work?

What will this do to our child if we stay together? Or if we break up? How do I break up with him and when will I know it is over?
I am so lost.

Thanks for any help and I am sorry this is SO LONG.

abandonedcompletely

Hi Molly,

Yes, your husband is abusive. He has been physically abusive with you and is emotionally abusive.

And, his abusive behavior is not your fault. We might upset our loved ones at time, but we also choose how we act. Your husband chooses to be abusive, that is his issue and his alone. Please, do not take the blame for his awful behavior.

As far as your child, the dynamics in your home is not a good example of how relationships work and damage will be done to your child's psyche.

Leaving an abusive relationship is far better for you and your child than staying.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

When I divorced my husband, he spent thousands of dollars without telling me. He took my only credit card without my permission and maxed it out. When I left him, he took another credit card in my name(stole my checkbook and license out of my car) and maxed that as well. When we divorced, I took over the credit cards on my side and he took his. That was better then splitting it 50/50.
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Mavash.

Yes he is abusive and you need to get out before he does something bad to your child.

COguy

Yes your husband is abusive emotionally and physically. Once is enough, and it will only get worse as you stay together longer.

I'm not near qualified to give advice on that, but I would say that you either need to leave, or at the minimum, get him checked into counselling/anger management.

I would not stay together for your kids while he is abusive. All you are doing is modelling to your child that that behavior is OK and they will grow up in the same cycle if you put up with it. There are many resources for abused women to go to if you need help with a place to stay, finances, etc. Might be a good idea to take advantage of one of these until you can get on your feet.

I wish you the best but please understand you deserve to be in a loving, safe, relationship with someone and this is not it. Also, do not blame yourself for his outbursts, nothing a woman does makes it OK to hurt a woman.

Cherry

How old is your child? If your child is very young, it will have less of an impact if you choose to end your marriage now.

Your H is abusive. And it does not matter if you've done anything to provoke his hateful words (so long as you aren't the one doing the name calling first - that's also a no no). Him putting his hands on you is also unacceptable. If he was drunk when he did it, so be it, he should never be allowed to drink around you again then.

As for the finances, your H does not seem willing to get it under control and he doesn't see you as a partner in his business, figuratively. That certainly needs to be addressed with him being the sole breadwinner. You will need to lay it out for him, you are his family and you deserve to know what's going on with the household bills, period. If he is unwilling to address the issue, you have two options - separate (let him know that you are serious) or live with it and hope that it gets better.

Best wishes to you!

s.k

You are married couple so money should be a joint thing not seperate. If he is not supporting you and your child wouldnt you be better off alone so that you and your child ae not part of his debt. Im shocked that he doesnt think that his child is his legacy if his business went bust it would no longer be a legacy you need to get marriage counselling also you need to put your foot down with the money issues things will only get worse. His debt becomes your debt. I dont understand why he doesnt let you sort out the finances and he works that way you are both contributing the mariage instead of you being worried all the time and him thinking that he is doing you a favour by going to wok. Good luck