tacoma

This is another mantra this place spouts constantly that simply isn`t true.

It is more than possible that one spouse is cruising along living life being all they can be and their spouse cheats or leaves them anyway.

In my case I am the one who maintains this relationship, I am the one always making sure we`re both happy and healthy.

So if I discover a burner phone full of sexy texts tomorrow in my wife's car am I to believe that the problems in my marriage (Which I had no clue existed) were 50% my fault?

It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy.

CantePe

Couldn't have said it better than you did.

SimplyAmorous

I agree with you very much in what you say here ... I think many times one person has issues that near noone, no matter how good of a spouse they are , attentively, lovingly, affectionately , financially, even being the best of parents - would be able to stop the other from screwing up the marraige... many times people have mental issues that cause them to slip into bad behaviors even, addictions , unresoved trama from the past, plaguing insecurities , never taught healthy commuication skills, the list is endless.

It is not always 50/50. I think many spouses give way more & still get left out in the cold and cheated on- just cause the other may have a lessor value system, less self control, selfishness, not being in tune with their own weaknesses, etc.

Some of the best men & best women have been burned through no fault of thier own.

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

waiwera

I think in a perfect marriage... marital issues would be 50/50.
But heck who is perfect and who has a perfect marriage?

Mistys dad

Broken people, tend to find broken people.

That doesn't mean that everyone is broken evenly, just that most problems have more than one cause.

CWM0842

Agree totally. This idea is a PC cliche in a world where no one is fully accountable or completely in the wrong. Every situation must be qualified and explained away rather than calling the situation as it is. Applies to more than just marriage.

Acorn

I am coming around to thinking that although the blame for any one particular act may not be 50/50, it was the dynamic itself that was the problem most of the time.

If you found your wife's phone full of sexy texts, obviously that is a complete betrayal and completely her choice. That being said, why weren't the texts yours? Why didn't you know she needed that? If she could be comfortable with OM's texts and not yours, what resentments did she build up with you that broke her down enough to not accept your advances? Why couldn't you guys work out the resentments before she turned away from the marriage to meet needs?

Or, if she is just generally an awful person, what warning signs did she give you while dating that you overlooked that could have helped you see her flaw? What attracted you to this type of person? Why was she able to shield this dimension of her personality from you so easily?

I think the 50/50 thinking helps you to learn from things so the same mistakes aren't repeated.

Mavash.

I believe that my marital problems are 100% MINE. To give away 50% of the responsibility for MY happiness to my husband won't work for me. I am the one who has to take complete ownership of making sure MY needs are met in this marriage.

This includes not being blind to what is going on around me. I may be happy but my husband isn't. And while it would be ideal if he immediately spoke up and said something I'm aware he won't. Therefore it's up to me to be sensitive to that 'nice guy' aspect of his personality or heaven forbid anything else he might be up to.

Having said this though I no longer believe I'm responsible for maintaining this relationship. When I want him to do something I ask for it. Again I take responsibility for that. Before I was the engine of the marriage but that was on me because I never specifically told him what I wanted. Now I do.

Conrad

They find each other like bees in a hive.

Until one truly reconciles with oneself, they are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in every single relationship they enter.

Think about it.

tacoma

You may be right about "most of the time" but I`m unsure.

They would be if I was looking at her primary phone because I text her loving sexy stuff all the time.

I wouldn`t know about any resentments she has towards me because she tells me she has none.
I do open discussions with her about these things often.
This is why I say I`m the one who maintains this marriage.
If there are resentments that would lead her to betray me I could do nothing about them because to me they don`t exist even though I`ve asked about it.

I don`t believe you have to be an "awful person" to cheat.
I believe you merely have to be self centered, weak or non-commital.

But that`s just it, there need be no mistakes made by the betrayed for their spouse to cheat.

I`ve been a cheater (Not in my marriage) and I`ve been cheated on.
I know most of the women/girls I cheated on did absolutely nothing to cause me to do so.
I was simply young, dumb, and....self centered.

None of these women could have possibly thought there might be a problem in the relationship because there usually wasn`t.
They couldn`t have possibly known this was my MO because I was very loving, attentive, and on the outset a very secure mate, I was never caught.

I just get bothered by some of the relationship dogma around here that I know is simply false.

It bothers me because it can cause a BS who has done nothing to begin blaming themselves for their WS infidelities which is simply unfair and often wrong.

Hell many of them here start searching for what they could have done wrong just "knowing" they drove their WS to it.

It`s wrong.

tacoma

I believe we are all "broken" to some extent.

Mavash.

I agree with this.

Jen's Husband

This is the part that gets to me given the problems in my own marriage. I really think that one partner can be the best spouse they can be and it doesn't necessarily matter. I think for husbands this is becoming a problem today because a lot of wives really expect the world from them, unlike the past. I've done my best to live up to the standard that my wife and our families set for me, but in the end it hasn't made a difference. Maybe the opposite in fact since I'm discovering that when I treat her poorly she likes it for some reason and I get rewarded. In response to the 50/50 claim I agree that this isn't the case, though I cling to the belief (and maybe I'm naive) that it's always maybe 70/30 or something (meaning each spouse has some culpability, even if that amounts to having been too giving or whatever).

Acorn

If a spouse chooses to cheat, it's 100% on them. I don't think the BS should sit around blaming themselves for their spouses' weaknesses.

I do think the BS should spend some time evaluating how they got to that point. You don't ask those questions to blame yourself for her cheating. You ask them because you want to learn from the experience and be even better the next time. If she cheats, I would imagine she would either be sporting some serious red flags which you did not see, or gradually becoming more and more unhappy as the marriage went on without you realizing it. In either case, your eyes will be open next time.

Just my .02. My world opened up when I realized the happy marriage I thought I was maintaining was an illusion. In no small part driven by the fact that I prided myself on being the caretaker of the marriage. YMMV.

This is me

The one theme I have witnessed over and over in my situation relates to the comment "It`s a simple fact that you just can`t make some people happy."

Unhappy with me, the house, the furniture we just bought and just about every thing she wanted and agreed to buy, her teeth, her own boobs, her clothes, the neighbors, and on and on.

When pointing out that we can only make ourselves happy, this made her very unhappy.

The question is will she ever become content again as she once was?

All I know is that this past year has now made me very unhappy.