s.k

I think you just need to show him that yo ulove him and you made a mistake. If he is still with after all that thats his way of showing he loves you I think you need to find a way to show it him back few ideas:

write a love note explaining what he means to you
tell him what he means to you
weekend away
cooking favourite food etc...

Im guessing that because you treated him a certain way for a number of years he probably feels useless and drained you need to get that energy back

TBT

The first thing that came to your mind when you made this list was that you scratched his car.Really?? I'm pretty sure that's not the first thing that comes to his mind.

Voiceofreason

Here's what you do:
--Wash and wax his car every week
--Be completely transparent about your whereabouts including online and be remorseful and supportive regarding the pain of cuckholding him with his enemy
--Don't put him out your car
--don't call him every name in the book, or any names other than handsome, tiger, sweetie etc
--hold him close and listen to him without arguing when he wants to tell you something--really listen and then repeat it back to him so he knows you get it
--give him great sex all the time
--let him know how much he turns you on
--lose the attitude
--offer thanks and appreciation--sincerely--for what he does for you
--periodically ask him how you are doing, let him know you will make your past transgressions up to him for the rest of his life by putting him first
--read Dr. Laura's Care and Feeding of Husbands, 5 Love Languages, etc....

...having said all that...your list of outrageous behavior would be difficult for any guy to overcome in my opinion...you may just have broken him

Complexity

Stonewall

I was on the receiving end of most of what you did to him for several years myself and I can honestly say all I wanted was for her to change and ask for forgiveness. She did that many years ago and we have been great ever since.

as simple as it may sound have you literally ask him for forgiveness?

abk

This is bang on the mark!
OK, first things first - you are free to private message me.

I have been put through tough times by my wife, she too has a nasty element to her history and did bad things to me and the past is her "excuse". I know "excuse" here seems harsh after what yu have been through, but that's exactly how your husband sees it. I think I understand your husband.

He has spent years telling you that what you are doing has been damaging - you ignored it that time.

I know other posters mean well here saying he should tell you but he already spend years doing that. It's too late for that now.

It is not his job to fix your actions, it is not his job to find out what to do for you - Can't you see? In his mind that is just more sign of you not taking responsibility for your actions...

In his mind, if he tells you what to do, then you have not taken the time to understand the damage you have done .. just looked for a "shortcut".

Show him what I just wrote and he'll tell you "That's right!" I believe - that would be the test if I am on the mark or not.

What you need to accept now, is two wrongs don't make a right, but because someone did wrong to you does not make it better what you did to him for all those years! This is what he wants - to truely believe you accept this fact.

Badsmit

Disclaimer, I don’t know him and cannot tell you what to do… Jelly Bean is right only he can say.. You are going to have to listen and get to know your husband (The things you should have been doing for the first 13 years)
With that said here is a very general short list of things that (some) men like
Listen
Stroke his ego without being patronizing
Only fight when it’s absolutely necessary
Sit next to him
In a loving/affectionately way touch him
Be sexy and do special things for him
Respect his wished and privacy but try to include yourself in his life
Show him you love and are into him (do what he likes)
Talk about your future (give a vision of how you want to be and follow through)
Take a trip (to where he wants to go)
Show him what you want but let it be a different (new) you
Be prepared for him to not respond and not believe you in the beginning. It is going to take time oh say 13 years…
And yes you could have already blown it and he is buying his time. You SHOULD KNOW HIM BEST after 13 years, so you are going to have date him and earn you man/husband love affection and trust.

Lydia

Think about what you would want him to do if roles were reversed.

Then do it.

__________________
*Lydia

soulseeking

As a woman who was sexually molested by my brothers, I can relate to the up and down emotions you probably experienced over the years. In your right mind, you would never have done the things you did, but in your repressed fear, you acted out and your hubby was the receiver of that. Obviously, you know that was a damaging and unintentionally abusive way to treat him. I know the fear of being afraid that you are being taken for a ride by someone you are opening yourself up to. It's scary and I'm glad you have been working through the demons of your abuse.

Your hubby is still there. He doesn't "have" to be there and I honestly don't believe he is there to torture you as a payback. If he is, then that's very twisted and messed up. I think he's scared to trust you. He's afraid of getting into a comfortable routine with you and feeling safe and then you trigger for whatever reason and he's back to living on eggshells.

My husband seems to be similar to your husband as far as personality. And while some joke about the car thing, I know my husband would feel very wronged if I did something like that. He takes great pride in his car and even if it were just a hunk of junk, it's something that he values. Scratching it would be, in his mind, a sign that I didn't care about something that he cares about. It would be an act of betraying trust that I would protect what matters to him.

I think what your husband craves is CONSISTENCY! Don't go back and forth on what you can do to fix the past or make it up to him. Bringing it up over and over is clearly bringing you both back to those days and those feelings. You hurt him and he wants you to prove that you aren't going to set him up to be hurt again. To win his trust, you need to be trustworthy. Don't worry about if you are being true to yourself in that moment. Learn from your past. Acknowledge the patterns that got you into an unhealthy cycle leading to your actions.

I had no idea how much the molestation I went through effected my decision making and reactions to situations. Don't excuse your actions or reactions. Show your husband you are a better woman today than before because you are willing to OWN those actions/reactions. Don't squabble and beg forgiveness. Put your energy into giving him security, but don't go overboard. Continue to work on yourself and invite your husband to learn why you acted the way you did. It's amazing how clear you can see and correct the course when you understand the "why" in the choices you make.

I am a huge Dr. Phil lover. I think the man is genius when it comes to his common-sense approach to relationships. One of my favorite sayings of his is "be your partner's soft place to fall." Your husband wants to fall to you and accept that you are not going to abuse his faith and trust in you. I told my husband that while I always wanted to be his soft place to fall, I needed some softening up. In working through my issues that stem from my molestation, the hardness and walls that I put up to protect myself have been crumbling and I'm exposing my softness more than ever. He's worth taking that chance.

Be consistent. Offer him a ticket to join you while you heal. Let him feel he is capable of protecting you. Show him that you aren't disappointed in him if he decides he can't expose himself to completely trusting you right now. Don't hold him to a standard of "saving" you when you know deep down you cannot even hold up to that standard for yourself. Allow yourself to accept that you made huge mistakes, but every day forward is an opportunity to love him for still standing beside you through it. Honor your marriage and give it everything you can while you still have a chance. Don't worry about if you could be hurt by giving up your walls/self defense mechanisms. Recognize that the only way to prove to him that you will be there for him is to be there for him.

Good luck, honey. I got the same bum deal you did. Regardless of the details, we both have to undo years of coping mechanisms that were damaging to our relationship with our husbands. But it's worth it. It's worth knowing you are not going to succumb to being an abuser yourself and that the runaway train stops with you. Your stepfather doesn't deserve the satisfaction of taking away your trust and derailing you for life. Stop letting him control you TODAY! Despite your flaws, I know how much love you have to offer your husband. Like an abused puppy, he's probably so afraid to trust that you can making lasting change that he rolls over and pees or cowers/retreats when you get angry/set off. Earn his trust by being loyal and committed to a consistent relationship.