VeryMuchConfused

Long story short I hurt my husband for some years in the past (I was going through some bad stuff happening with my stepfather molesting me and as a result I was in a very dark place in my life to say the least and my husband beared the pain of all of it) and now I've been so sorrowful and trying to show him how sorry I am and how much I love him for the past year and a half and he says nothing I'm doing is what he wants me to do and that he's not going to tell me what it is that he really wants that will make it up to him. He says go think about what I would want if it were me. Clearly I don't know and in a year and a half obviously I won't figure it out. What do you think he wants?

lady1

So, you have told him you want to make it up to him, and he knows what you can do to make it up to him, and he won't tell you? That is messed up.

I don't know what you did to hurt him before, so I can't really guess what he wants you to do. If you cheated, are you still in touch with there person you cheated with? If so, maybe he wants you to not have contact with them. Short of that, I'm at a loss.

Maybe he wants you to address the issues from your childhood that put you in that dark place, like seeing counseling?

I really don't like it that he won't tell you what he wants you to do, when you are asking him directly (I'm assuming). If you are willing to address the issue, and want to talk to him about it, what more can he ask of you?

VeryMuchConfused

I treated him very badly things like:
Scratched his car
Cheated on him(one night stand with someone he hates)
put him out my car numerous times
called him every name in the book
pushed him away constantly
rarely wanted to have sex
made him feel he didn't turn me on
constant attitude
never appreciated anything he did for me

I was horrible. I was hurt, angry and didn't care about life anymore or anyone in life.
The only way I got past the molestation was through counseling. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He wants me to figure it out he said its common sense what he wants. What things could I possibly do that are common sense that I haven't already done?

waiwera

Sorry your going through this, especially after the molestation issues you have had to deal. Well done for getting out of your dark place though.

Without knowing what you did that was so terrible it's difficult to understand the situation very well but my thoughts are that your H is playing mind games with you...what does he realistically expect?
You to read his mind? Or maybe use your crystal ball?? How can you just 'know'?

Does he often try to mess with your head? Or is this only over whatever it is that you did to him during your 'dark times'?

If I were in your place I'd insist he stop playing silly games and TALK/communicate with me what he needs/wants.

That what grown ups would do.

If he finds talking difficult maybe suggest he writes it down?

Goodluck!

VeryMuchConfused

This all happened over a 13 year span. He says my problem is I just want him to get over it. He says that if he tells me what he wants me to do he may as well do it himself.

What would you guys want your wife or husband to do if it were you?

VeryMuchConfused

I think he wants me to grovel at his feet and kiss his behind!
After looking at this list I'm starting to think he deserved me kissing his behind.

lady1

If my husband treated me badly because he was working through horrible issues from his past, and I knew that was why he had treated me so badly, I would want for us both to talk about it openly and honestly. I would probably want him to take responsibility for treating me so poorly. And I would want him to be nice to me in the future. And probably see a counselor to work things out, so I knew he was okay - but you said you already did that on your own. I honestly don't know what more he could be asking for you to do. Certainly nothing that is 'common sense.'

You may have been mean to him for awhile. But he is being mean to you now. It isn't fair that he won't just tell you what he wants. I agree with waiwera, it sounds like he is playing mind games.

Badsmit

He wants you to show him he matters and that you have changed. He may not know what you need to do and your past actions put you relationship (his feelings for you on life support). He wants to see that you know you were/ are wrong and that you can say/show you are sorry without being defensive and pathetic. It sounds like you made his life a living hell and he stayed that counts for something.. Most men are visual touchy feely creature (Hint). Stoke his ego without being patronizing. In short show him you love and are into him and say I know I hurt you and I am will to do what it takes to make it better (and be willing to do it). It took you 13 years to break him how long do you think it will take to rebuild his love and connection with you? DATE and DESIRE YOUR HUSBAND….

Jellybeans

Theonly person who can answer what it is that he needs from you is HIM.

Acorn

I wouldn't be surprised if he is repressing years worth of resentment, anger, and frustration for what you put him through. I bet deep down he really wants to move on from it, but he's afraid if he opens up again, he'll just get burned.

VeryMuchConfused

What kind of things (specific) should I do to show this? I'm really clueless and I love him so much I don't want to mess this up. I would spend the rest of my life making this up to him...I just need some examples of specific things he might like as a man to show him this.

Thor

VMC, I am sorry for what you went through as a child. I hope you have found peace through therapy.

What you did to your husband was very hurtful to him, but you should not be held hostage to it forever. My wife is an abuse survivor, too, so I have a particular perspective on this. I can know that she did things which where driven by or related to the psychological fallout of her abuse. Now that I know of the abuse it is easy to see how things are related to it.

So what does your husband need or want from you? Really the only way to know is for him to tell you. In some way you have to make up for what you did, but as I have said because of your abuse history there are mitigating circumstances. A sincere apology goes a long way, and you have been to therapy. That seems like you have done a ton already to make up for your past behavior.

So now I think a lot of the burden shifts to your husband. He has to communicate to you what he is thinking and feeling. Then you can decide if you are able or willing to do those things. You two need good marriage therapy so you can work together to rebuild your relationship.

And now I step out onto a limb. With a disclosure that I am not a therapist. *Possible trigger warning for abuse victims*

Abused children frequently pair up with abusive partners, and become further victims. The child abuse victim becomes the future rape victim, or the child abuse victim marries the man who batters her. I think you should evaluate and use your own judgment on whether your husband is in some way emotionally abusive to you. Have you discussed your marriage situation with a therapist who knows of your abuse history? What do your trusted friends and advisors say about your husband's actions in general towards you?

There are a lot of possibilities as to why he isn't beings specific with you. Ultimately he has to communicate his needs and desires if you are to know what they are.

Thor

Two excellent books for the do-it-yourself approach are "5 Love Languages", and "Getting the Love You Want" (and the workbook to Getting the Love You Want).

If he buys into really wanting to work on the marriage these books might help.

CH

13 years of being treated like a fool. Slept with his most hated enemy to spite him. And he should just get over it?

IMO, he's only there to torment you give you a taste of the same medicine. It's not right if he's doing that but it seems like it.

You have a choice

Leave him and just get it over with.

Give him an ultimatum (will most likely blow up in your face though, because he literally has nothing to lose at this point) for him to get his act together and get back in the marriage.

BTW just can't GET OVER IT after being treated like a piece of crap for 13 entire years.

And the past 1 1/2 years you've been good, what's your definition of being good?

IMO, he's suffered 13 years of abuse and he's done with the marriage and is only looking to make your life a living hell as payback. Well that's my opinion anyways.

southern wife

Maybe he wants a divorce?