trying to work things out

Desperate Hubby · 02-02-2009, 01:25 AM

my wife and i are going threw some hard times right now. first off I left for a night because I was mad that she didn't tell me that a guy tryed to kiss her at a party I know this is stupid. When we talked the next day she siad that she was no longer happy in are marriage. She let me come back home and siad that I have one year and if she still is not happy then she is gone. since then she has been very distant and stand off ish. this all happendabout a month ago. I have been doing every thing I can to change but she is still as cold as ice. about a week ago I caught her planing to meet a guy in vegas when she go's there with some friends in april. when I tald her I knew about it she siad she was sorry but needed a week to think about wether or not she was going to go to vegas or not. she finally a week latter told me that she was not going to go and is willing to give me a chance but she is still just as cold and stand off ish as before.

I just wanted some feed back on what I should do. I love her and do not want to lose her. but I'm feeling as if I'm the only one trying. please help

broken · 02-02-2009, 03:14 AM

She gave you a time line? Really? She said 1 year or its quits? That is no way to work on things. It is called talking, communicating and expressing how you feel to each other. Her being cold and stand offish is her trying to push you away. So your going to sit around and let her make the decisions? You love her, but the real question does she love you? What do you want? You said you love her, but do you want to be with her while she doesn't even know if she wants you? What you need to do is talk to her. If she is all distant from you continously then well move out, or have her move out. Do something, don't just let her control your life by waiting around to see what she does.

Right now you don't know what the real deep problem is, do you?

Desperate Hubby · 02-02-2009, 09:50 PM

I hear what your saying but I am realy afraid of losing her or growing more distance from each other. she says that i don't lisen to her and that she has been unhappy for years. on thursday we are going to a marriage counsler but we have to do these like marriage coucling group thing with other couples. I think I would feel alot better about are marriage if so just showed me a little affection. I had to start on anti depression meds because I was not able function as normal at work. I have told her about how I feel but it doesn't even seem to afect her.

wonder · 02-03-2009, 07:58 AM

i hear you. my husband gave me an impossible timeline and i didn't make it. so now he's out and i just have to snap out of the grief i'm going through. to me it sounds like your wife made up her mind and is just stringing you along like my husband did to me. nothing good will happen as long as you 2 stay how you are. if she goes, she goes. that's her problem she needs to deal w/. you did all you can. it's going to hurt like hell, believe me i know. and it' going to take a long time, and people are going to tell you to get over it, and you'll want to rip their heads off (don't do it)

Amplexor · 02-03-2009, 08:20 AM

You cannot put a timeline on the repair of a marriage. Your relationship didn’t get into this condition in a year, I might not recover in that time frame either. If you have told her you will change to be a better husband then commit to those changes and be unwavering. Sustained and consistent behavior will do more good than any words you can speak. She in turn must put efforts in recovery. Meeting a guy in Vegas, not a chance. She won’t resolve her issues with involvement of other men. Glad you set the boundaries. While you feel you may be the cause of the problems in your marriage there are deal breakers and she needs to know that. Try reading Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. Also, there is nothing wrong with telling your wife you need more affection but it may be hard for her to display. This is a two way street. Good luck

Desperate Hubby · 02-03-2009, 10:56 PM

I told her that this guy she is talking to online is doing alot of damage and she areed to stop talking to him in one months time. I could not believe this a month that just seems like bs. I have a program on are computer so that i can read her IM's ( I know this is not very healthy). She talks about going up there in about a year, she letts him talk very desrespectfull about me, and she even told him that she loved him.

Greatermindset · 02-03-2009, 11:25 PM

So when your wife nags or complains, how do you respond?

Desperate Hubby · 02-04-2009, 03:40 AM

well in the past I would some time put things off that I didn't want to do but I have been much much better about that now. I she says she doesn't want to talk then we don't talk.

Greatermindset · 02-04-2009, 04:48 AM

When she says that she doesn't want to talk, but you know something is bothering her, you need to talk to her. Let her know in your own way that you love her and you want to understand her.

Walking away when she's upset in her mind will only reinforce you don't understand her and you don't love her enough to seek what's troubling her.

So for you to understand her, what's the best thing you can do when she keeps on resisting to talk to you?

Amplexor · 02-04-2009, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desperate Hubby

I told her that this guy she is talking to online is doing alot of damage and she areed to stop talking to him in one months time......She talks about going up there in about a year, she letts him talk very desrespectfull about me, and she even told him that she loved him.

This is definitely an EA and contact must stop. If she’s asked for a month then grant that to her. He is poisoning your marriage and she needs to get out of contact to realize that. Good luck.

StrongEnough · 02-04-2009, 09:03 AM

Desperate Hubby · 02-04-2009, 08:06 PM

thank you all so much it's realy great to have a place like this where i can talk to people about my problems and get realy helpful answers to my probles. talking about this and geting the resonses from other people has been very theriputic for me and I thank you all for this. I will let every one know how are therapy gos tomarrow. i will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

this will not be easy but i am not prepared to lose my wife with out a fight.

thank you all so much

Amplexor · 02-05-2009, 08:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desperate Hubby

this will not be easy but i am not prepared to lose my wife with out a fight.

Kudos for you!!!