General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 14 years we have two boys 10 & 13.
The sex in our marriage I say is mediocre at best and this does effect our relationship. I do not feel that my wife loves me, like many guys I am basing this on the lack of interest in sex and lack of affection. I have tried hinting to my wife about the sex and in the last 5 years or so I get so frustrated and upset so we fight over the sex issue. I tell her it is the lack of sex and affection she tells me that it can not be that simple but she still will not do anything about it. This issues happens over and over again.
Last year my wife had an affair that included infidelity. My wife was meeting a so called family friend (that is also married) after she would drop the boys off at school and when I was gone at bars for drinks. My wife says that they were only friends and their was no affair until the last month when heavy kissing and sex came into the relationship. This relationship lasted 8 months, my wife argues that the affair was only the last month because the rest of the time they were only friends. I argue that if you were only friends then why would the both of you have to hide this friendship from you husband and his wife. I do not mean to be an ******* or trivial about this but I believe that my wife needs to understand the difference between an affair and a casual friendship and how a married person should conduct themselves in a marriage. The I day I found out about their affair I first confronted my wife, she denying it until I told her that I had proof then my wife admitted to the affair, telling me it was an accident and only this single issue. I knew their was more to it from her phone records so once I confronted her on the dates I found out their was heavy affection over the last month and their was the only one actual sex act, I believe my wife. After our conversation I called my wife’s boyfriend’s wife waking her up telling her about her husband and my wife’s affair. I felt she desired to know and it would also kill this relationship in its track.
We soon went to marriage counseling then a marriage retreat. This seemed to bring out some issues and we had tools to work on our marriage but when we got home all work was over. As long as I pretend all is good then we do not have a problem. Nothing in our relationship has changed.
I am unhappy and lonely in my marriage. I cry out for affection and she tells me that she can not just turn it on and blames it on me and the past 8 or so years. I do not claim to be the best husband or the greatest guy, and of course the way I see it is: if she would be more affectionate and sexual then I would not be moping around and getting frustrated as I do. I do believe I am a pretty good husband and great provider and great dad. I wish I could be a better husband but I need reinsurance of love and affection that I do not get. It is a viscous circle. Since our marriage retreat I have made a concense effort to control my emotions but they do still flair up because I am still trying to get some kind of affection from my wife and my wife seems unwilling to commit to the marriage or efforts to save it.
After a night out or if we have guest over my wife drinks, I do not. When the night ends and we go to bed this is what I get more then not: “Go away and find someone else, I do not want to be with you, I want to do my own thing you need to do your thing, why don’t you just leave me, I want out of the marriage, I am only in this marriage because I am screwed if we get a divorce”, and so on. In the morning she does not remember ever saying these things and says that she is sorry and did not mean what she said. I think these are things she actual does mean but does not want to come out and say them.
I am trying to find some reason to keep trying to save this marriage but I am also realizing that maybe it is time to move on. I am experiencing insecurity, rejection, and loneliness in my marriage and I am becoming a person I do not want to be. I have never cheated on my wife and cheating is not an option for me, guilt would ravish me inside so I must separate before I look elsewhere for companionship.
I know this looks a lot one side and I sure there is another side but I still feel like I am being played for a fool.
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
Time to look after yourself . Your wife quickly turned on the affection for the OM she has no excuse not to do everything to help recover your marriage. Where do you see your relationship in ten years or so, can you ever forgive her and as she is not willing to help you heal will you be able to move on and experience a happy marriage.
It's to soon to talk or R or D however to help your wife understand and learn what she must do have her read the book "his needs, her need" by Harley.
On a side side note , it is rare that an affair stops after a confrontation , be aware they may have taken this underground. If your wife is truly remorseful she will answer every question you ask and will do what is required to help heal the damage she has caused. If she does not show true remorse then I suspect your marriage is over .
To help both of you speak to her parents and yours and let them know of her affair ask for their support .
To save your marriage you must be prepared to lose it as it stands now you have lost it , your decision should be how to move forward without your wife . If she chooses to be with you she has some seriouse work to do. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
Quote:
Originally Posted by Husban441
After a night out or if we have guest over my wife drinks, I do not. When the night ends and we go to bed this is what I get more then not: “Go away and find someone else, I do not want to be with you, I want to do my own thing you need to do your thing, why don’t you just leave me, I want out of the marriage, I am only in this marriage because I am screwed if we get a divorce”, and so on. In the morning she does not remember ever saying these things and says that she is sorry and did not mean what she said.
I still feel like I am being played for a fool.
Trust your feelings. I believe you are right. And unless your wife is drinking to the point of blackouts, she DOES remember some, if not all, of the stuff she is telling you. The alcohol just lowers her inhibitions to tell you how she really feels.
She wouldn't get "screwed" in a divorce. To begin with, there is longevity of marriage (over 10 years is considered "longevity" by most states), and you sound like you would be an upstanding guy when it comes to division of property.
She messed around, got caught, and is hanging on to you for financial security. Other than that, it doesn't sound as if she feels particularly remorseful for her affair.
Quit wasting your time with someone who doesn't treat you with respect. You're miserable, and I daresay so is she (for her own reasons). Time to call a family law attorney and get the ball rolling. You deserve a whole lot better than this.
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
Thank you everyone for such a quick response. One thing more their still is love, i am trying in my last effort to have my wife show that she loves me. We also do have two boys that are in school and will need to cause the least damage to their life.
One of the issues my wife brings up is that when we married i had her sign a pre-num because i owned a home an i own businesses. Upon divorce the home we now live in is community property but our 2 vacations homes and commercial property is my sole and separate property in addition to company funds. in addition the pre-nup does not provide for spousal support. I do understand that this sound terrible . . . how can you commit to a marriage and at the same time negotiate your divorce… I call it being responsible and taking the threat of “I am going to take you for all you got” out of the fight. I also think this is some of the reason why my wife would be open to work thing out but as one of you said you have to be prepared to walk away to make changes (paraphrasing of course).
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
She has checked out of this marriage a long time ago. The only reason she is staying is financial. Tell me, if you didn't have a pre-nup, do you think that she would still be here?
HELL NO!
There is the possibility that her drunken rants are designed to get you to give up and leave (or throw her out), then she could play the "shocked, helpless victim" who was abandoned with nothing and get a judge to rule in her favor.
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
Yes, I agree with the others. She has already checked out of the marriage. It's not that she doesn't want sex, she does, she just doesn't want sex with you.
You swept her affair under the rug, which does nothing except enable the cheater (her), and build up resentment for the betrayed spouse (you). She is going to continue mentally abusing you for as long as you allow it. The reason for this is that you are in LIMBO. You are not heading for divorce, and yet you're not fulled reconciled after her affair. Limbo is HELL.
She doesn't want the divorce, why should she? She has the best of both worlds, she gets to keep the financial security of marriage, yet continue to play around with other men. In the infidelity world, she is known as a cake eater, taken from having her cake and eating it too. It wouldn't surprise me if she's had previous affairs before this one that were never discovered. I would guess it was around 5 years ago when she started to withdraw from you emotionally and sexually. That is always a huge red flag.
Your WWs affair SUPPOSEDLY ended last year, yet she has not recommitted to the marriage. This shows she is either still in contact with the OM by taking the affair underground, or she has fully checked out.
Now you have to take away her cake. She needs to see the repercussions of her actions. You have to let her go by filing for divorce. Its time to draw the line. You can always put the divorce on hold or cancel should she recommit to the marriage. She also needs to willingly be fully transparent by handing over any and all passwords to all accounts - because she has completely broken trust.
This is the only way to see if she will recommit to the marriage. If she doesn't commit to the marriage even in the face of divorce, you will have lost nothing because she already checked out. The problem is she knows you will always be there for her, no matter what mental abuse or affairs she might have. Its time for her to have a dose of reality. Whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE OUT of the house. This is seen as abandonment by the courts and you will be screwed in any divorce proceedings.
Let her know that you will no longer tolerate having a cheating wife who refuses to commit herself to the marriage by serving her with divorce papers. Start doing the 180. If you need help on looking up the 180, just ask.
Otherwise, you can continue to live in a loveless, sexless marriage, with a wife who goes out and has affairs with other men. Once she finds the right OM, she will inevitably leave you. She didn't leave you for this OM because this one is married. But she will find the OM who she can leave you for.
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
“Go away and find someone else, I do not want to be with you, I want to do my own thing you need to do your thing, why don’t you just leave me, I want out of the marriage, I am only in this marriage because I am screwed if we get a divorce”, and so on. In the morning she does not remember ever saying these things and says that she is sorry and did not mean what she said. I think these are things she actual does mean but does not want to come out and say them.
She's got ice water running through her body buddy, cool, ice water.
Ditch her and let her find her own way. From what she's posted it looks like you might have a pre-nup drawn up. But you know what, sucks to be her because you didn't cheat, she did.
Re: marriage after an affair is it time to move on
Time to start getting angry buddy, because you need some serious motivation in the form of "kick in the azz" to start leaving this woman ASAP.
If it helps fuel your fire, try to use your imagination picturing her in scenes where she's getting in on with other guys while they both laugh at you. Essentially, that's what she's actually doing to you right now, but you haven't put your mind into that scenario just yet.
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marriage after an affair is it time to move on 
