Laura, welcome to the TAM forum. The behaviors you describe -- lack of impulse control, temper tantrums, event-triggered rages, fights "over nothing at all," fear of abandonment, and unwillingness to negotiate reasonably -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if they are emotionally healthy.
These traits become a problem only when they are so strong that they distort the person's perception of other peoples' intentions, thereby undermining a marriage and other LTRs. It sounds like your H may have several BPD traits at a moderate to strong level. If so, it is extremely unlikely he will improve substantially because it is rare for such a person to be willing to stay in therapy long enough (several years at least) to make a difference. I therefore suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most of them describe your H's behavior.
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He would go off on a rampage and call me names and yes, hit me.
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Temper tantrums are one of the hallmarks of a BPDer. To avoid triggering those rages, the partners and spouses of BPDers often feel they must keep walking on eggshells. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is called
Stop Walking on Eggshells. Quote:
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He cusses me out through texting at least twice a week and gets violent speaking when I tell him my true feelings of "I want out." ... but he will not accept I want a divorce. He just won't.
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Because a BPDer does black-white thinking, it is common for him to demean his spouse while at the same time refusing to divorce her. This is why the #2 best selling BPD book is called
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. The black-white thinking will be evident in the way a BPDer categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- i.e., as "with me" or "against me." There is no middle ground or grey area. Moreover, a BPDer will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or infraction.
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Originally Posted by Laura898  We are heavily involved in our church, done bible studies, couple retreat and prayer groups. |
As a group, BPDers (i.e., the folks having moderate to strong BPD traits) are just as religious and moral as any other group of people. Moreover, the BPDer's dark side typically will never be seen by the church members, casual friends, business associates, or strangers. It is difficult for those people to trigger his anger because they pose no threat to his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Namely, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause a feeling of engulfment and suffocation.
Heaven help them, however, if they make the mistake of trying to draw close to him. When they become close friends, they will pose a threat. This is why BPDers tend not to have any close LTRs (unless the friend lives a long distance away). And this is why a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long to total strangers -- or other church members -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.
If this discussion rings a bell, I suggest you read more about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. If you want a good book on the subject, either of the two titles I mention above would be excellent. I also suggest you look at my description of BPD traits in Maybe's thread at
My list of hell!. Finally, if your are reluctant to leave your H, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- on your own for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Take care, Laura.
I seriously need some help! 
